Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Irony of Criticism

I really need to write about this before i explode.

In the last few weeks i made the decision to cut someone out of my life who constantly gave me shit about offending them. The irony here is that it was the very same person who was a major contributor to the problem.It's upsetting and confusing. I spent most of our relationship feeling absolutely horrible about myself. It started almost from day one- i was constantly being reminded i wasn't behaving appropriately, my feelings and ways of expressing myself were unacceptable and everything the person initially seemed to like about me and fell in love with me for were no longer allowed and were wrong. From the way i dressed, spoke, acted and thought to things i posted on Facebook,wrote about here in my blog, said to my friends, or ..well you get the picture..i endured this for 3 years as it progressed and magnified and  no matter how many changes i made, there was always, always something more that i was or wasn't doing that displeased him..

Funny thing is, his last complaints about me were that i offended him when i drank..i was critical of him, etc..(mainly just off handed remarks i made were turned into major issues) .So the person who in fact formed me into a defensive and "mean " person because of the persistent humiliations and criticisms is trying to reverse the issue and place that on me.( google D.A.R.V.O.- the personality is real).Not having it...I have at last realized the issue is within the person themselves- its their own problem, not mine, and nothing i change about me will resolve it. It's on them.I could be mother theresa and daughter of Ghandi in all ways and there would still be issues.

Yes, i am a much meaner person when i drink these days, and i know i need to work on that. ..Because i never ever used to be this angry or mean when i drank. In fact i was more lovable and fun because i finally was relaxed.But over the years of unrelenting criticism, and having to be on the defense at all times..Ive gotten much worse, and usually theres a particular "trigger"---gee, is the picture becoming clear?Is there any reason to believe that there isn't a connection to the condition  as well with the escalation in my drinking , such as covering up my deep insecurities stemming from all of this?


Additionally i realized that my own mother was the same way, further creating the monster that i have become. I have fortunately gotten her as well as another" ego feeder" out of my life and i am now working, finally, on healing ME. The criticizer has continued to find ways to demean and under mine me, even finding ways around all of my communication blocks to do it.The last 3 emails i received, though, all nasty and condemning , i refused to feed into and did not engage in the battle as usual . I am finally done with poisoning my soul, and numbing my brain and body to deal with it.

I am on a sabbatical from alcohol for awhile( short goal of 30 days this time)  to focus on lief and clear my head without any unnecessary distractions- i have been adding many other healing things into my life.Meditation, art work and projects, honest discussions with my roommates, my new bed is still awesome, yoga..and oh! NO men!I can't even deal with any of that right now..So basically i am abstaining from sex, relationships and alcohol.

I have to get back to someone i can love inside, and theres a long long road of recovery ahead..Namaste!

1 comment:

pa2ndgear said...
This comment has been removed by the author.