Sunday, August 20, 2017

Mindfulness

the last few weeks have been a total roller coaster..in a GOOD way! Ive made many decisions and have changed so many things in my life, little each day.From adding yoga and meditation, staying totally away from men and relationships,to vitamins and herbs , to seeing a chiropractor and loving my new temper pedic bed- I've even invested in  TENS unit-and these are just the major changes:)i have thus far stuck to my plan to reduce alcohol consumption as well..now let me fully explain this..

A while back i realized i was an alcoholic, and probably always have been- not that i have always indulged..Many years in my life i was totally alcohol free.and hadn't even thought about it.But around age 43 i began a journey with it that led to many bad things.Nothing major like a DUI or losing a job or becoming homeless..but many many minor issues- emotional, mental, and physical. Last year , if you recall, i went for 90 days without it & it gave me a whole new perspective . i consider THIS the beginning of my journey. It has not been without failures, obstacles, elations, and discoveries( both good and bad). For instance,i started drinking beer instead of wine,which was cool at first- less hangover, cheaper, etc, but as the song goes"sooner or later God's gonna cut you down" and in the past few months , it has. I started becoming rude and belligerent , drinking way more than i should on my nights off, and the hangovers got worse and worse- sometimes lasting 2 days , with anxiety and depression to boot.

at the beginning of this month i decided i would cut back a whole lot, with a plan- 1st 2 weeks , only a 6 pack on ONE night, not 2...then this past week down to 3 beers total on my nights off...done it, and done really well- even foregoing any  at all the first of 3 nights off and instead- spending it painting and organizing. These last 2 nights i drank 3- friday slowly, tonight quickly..its kind of an experiment... ..learning a lot about myself, my tolerance and the various effects.

anyway, wasn't meaning to post about alcoholism, but rather the things that have gotten my to a point where i finally was able to address it. That being some of the above, along with talking to my roommates, saying mantras constantly, researching, and keeping myself busy with healthful things.

I have many goals yet to attain- including quitting smoking, and starting to exercise regularly again. Not to lose weight or look better, but to FEEL better, more focused, and centered.I write all this down to get it out and as a reference for myself, but if you are reading this , know that we are all on our own journey..make it about peace, love, and happiness!


Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Irony of Criticism

I really need to write about this before i explode.

In the last few weeks i made the decision to cut someone out of my life who constantly gave me shit about offending them. The irony here is that it was the very same person who was a major contributor to the problem.It's upsetting and confusing. I spent most of our relationship feeling absolutely horrible about myself. It started almost from day one- i was constantly being reminded i wasn't behaving appropriately, my feelings and ways of expressing myself were unacceptable and everything the person initially seemed to like about me and fell in love with me for were no longer allowed and were wrong. From the way i dressed, spoke, acted and thought to things i posted on Facebook,wrote about here in my blog, said to my friends, or ..well you get the picture..i endured this for 3 years as it progressed and magnified and  no matter how many changes i made, there was always, always something more that i was or wasn't doing that displeased him..

Funny thing is, his last complaints about me were that i offended him when i drank..i was critical of him, etc..(mainly just off handed remarks i made were turned into major issues) .So the person who in fact formed me into a defensive and "mean " person because of the persistent humiliations and criticisms is trying to reverse the issue and place that on me.( google D.A.R.V.O.- the personality is real).Not having it...I have at last realized the issue is within the person themselves- its their own problem, not mine, and nothing i change about me will resolve it. It's on them.I could be mother theresa and daughter of Ghandi in all ways and there would still be issues.

Yes, i am a much meaner person when i drink these days, and i know i need to work on that. ..Because i never ever used to be this angry or mean when i drank. In fact i was more lovable and fun because i finally was relaxed.But over the years of unrelenting criticism, and having to be on the defense at all times..Ive gotten much worse, and usually theres a particular "trigger"---gee, is the picture becoming clear?Is there any reason to believe that there isn't a connection to the condition  as well with the escalation in my drinking , such as covering up my deep insecurities stemming from all of this?


Additionally i realized that my own mother was the same way, further creating the monster that i have become. I have fortunately gotten her as well as another" ego feeder" out of my life and i am now working, finally, on healing ME. The criticizer has continued to find ways to demean and under mine me, even finding ways around all of my communication blocks to do it.The last 3 emails i received, though, all nasty and condemning , i refused to feed into and did not engage in the battle as usual . I am finally done with poisoning my soul, and numbing my brain and body to deal with it.

I am on a sabbatical from alcohol for awhile( short goal of 30 days this time)  to focus on lief and clear my head without any unnecessary distractions- i have been adding many other healing things into my life.Meditation, art work and projects, honest discussions with my roommates, my new bed is still awesome, yoga..and oh! NO men!I can't even deal with any of that right now..So basically i am abstaining from sex, relationships and alcohol.

I have to get back to someone i can love inside, and theres a long long road of recovery ahead..Namaste!