Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Rebel for Life

Last week i got kicked out of a bar. Yup, me...age 50. First time ever...The weirdest part was, i had nothing to do with it!.it was both devastating ..and exhilarating.That part came later...Read on.

When it first happened i was in a complete state of shock and confusion. I had attended a charity event nearby earlier in the evening and walked over to may favorite bar for the event after party on a first date with someone. About 200 of my local arts/music friends had gone to both events. I was having a wonderful time. I love this bar. Been going there for years.The bar maid was friendly and knew me by name shouting out "heyyyyy lovie!" when i came in and was  pleasant with me for the first few hours whenever i came  up to order a round. At some point, around 1130pm, i realized my friend had disappeared. I looked all over the bar then went outside to look and call  where i could hear. I came back inside a few times through the back entrance, figuring maybe they had gone home or had run out for something and might be back. I sat with friends for awhile then eventually went back out to call.This time i came back in through the front.It was about 130 am and so i figured i would either order one more beer or close out my tab so this time i went up to the bar.The aforementioned bar maid began screaming at me that i need to close out my tab and get out. What? i asked what i had done, she would not say, she just kept saying"Just get out, you need to leave NOW"..it was unreal, like i had slipped into an alternate universe. At first i thought i had been ruffied and had blacked out and done something insane.. but everyone i asked said they had seen nothing, that they hadn't seen me behaving badly , just sitting at a back table  as usual, chatting with friends..no one could even get a straight answer out of the bar maid or bouncer.So i was a mess...i ubered home alone and broke down crying from humiliation and astonishment.THANK GOD my roommate was there to comfort me.

Over the next day or two i was able, thanks to a few friends who stepped up( privately )to help me, i was able to piece it all together. A friend of mine, who has a reputation for being drunk and aggressive anyway, had copped an attitude with the bar maid at some point ( she had gone outside with me the last time since i didn't want to be standing alone outside a bar at night in the city), who was already completely stressed out with the unexpected volume of people there. So, she snapped, and kicked us  out. Next i found out she did this to a few other people that same night-well known and respectable people in the community. So I was not alone. My roommate messaged her the next day and she stated it was my friend who was rude and that we were both barred for a month..no explanation as to why "i " was taking the brunt of it as well. So there it is.

i have finally gotten over it, and it is now tuesday. It took that long. But heres where a moment of clarity and serendipity occurred. I had spent all of those days wallowing in self pity, blaming others , feeling like a victim, and bemoaning how unfair the whole situation was. Then  2 other things occurred..TODAY

My mother decided to harass my daughter for something concerning me for the umpteenth time, even though i had asked, and out right told her over the past year or two to stop going to her when it concerned me. I realized how much of a drain in so many ways my own mother has been to me all my life, a tremendous negative force which has created a lifelong sense of guilt and low self esteem, not to mention anger and an almost complete inability to have a normal relationship with anyone.

THEN
 my recent Ex of 3 years ( yes, you've heard a lot about him on here) dropped off a box with a note in it also reinforcing the years of guilt tripping he had been laying on me over just about everything since we began as a couple..actually blaming me for trying to "steal his soul" .

SO

I blocked my mom, totally cut her off. Refused to respond to my ex anymore and play the blaming/ guilt game. And i put a HUGE psychological barrier between the  friend who got me into all of that at the bar - because i realized she has been doing  horrible stuff like this to me for years  and i was just putting up with it.

In fact, i was putting up with  these 3 for way way too long and all it has done is held me down and made me miserable.. Guess what? i feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted. I feel 15 years younger , and as if i am floating..

Sometimes all you have to do to keep from hanging yourself is let go of the rope...and thats what it means to have more, by having less:)

2 comments:

pa2ndgear said...

something i read every single day now.. page 417 of a book called "the big book" And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When i am disturbed, it is because i find some person, place,thing, or situation ----some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and i can find no serenty until i accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake, Until i could accept my....replace with whatever word fits, my word is alcholism...I could not stay sober;unless i accept life completely on life's terms, i cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.. i won't call you by your real name but you know who i am.. this was suggested to me that i read this paragraph EVERYDAY, which i do, and really it does help when i stress about certain things, people etc..so far, out of the last 14 months i have been sober 8 of those 14 months, not consecutive, but its a whole new life for me...i read this and it made me think for a couple weeks...If you need help, reach out and ask! i have only drank once since before thanksgiving.. maybe you don't need what i have been doing,but i can tell you this, if you ever have thought about seeking help, then you might need help. do me a favor, find a copy of "the big book" and read some of it..peace to you and blessing

nirvana diva said...

ty for your input..im not sure how you took this post but i didn't get kicked out of a bar for being drunk..it was nothing to do with that but rather the person who happened to be there with me using my tab and getting wasted.As far as some of these people- it was time to let go. I am finding that many of the ones i called friends, etc have just been sucking the life out of me and /or using me. i feel much better without all of that..i will look for that book however because i have been reading a lot myself.Peace to you.