Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Dating Life

In the past month i decide i would try..yes, i said TRY, to date...here's a little something about my experiences

I tried to date casually by picking some random person on my Facebook page who seemed to be very nice and i had chatted with a  few times...we met at a group event and it was a pretty decent evening. The next date was him coming over to hang out with my roomie and i for the evening and that was ok, altho we were drinking and he spent the night on my sofa..drooling, snoring, and otherwise not being very attractive. The next time he came over to just hang out with me, got too drunk, kept making inappropriate advances until i finally had enough and made him leave. He got DUI on the way home.Lovely.We are still friends online but , no thanks.

Ok , so i go on two dating sites..started getting over 3oo messages a day and mostly form unacceptable persons who did not even bother to read my profile...they had kids at home, and were way over the age limit i specified..so i went ack in to change a few things..I got a few nasty comments that i ws demanding( owing to requiring the basics of having ones own car, their own place, a cell phone , and a job) wow....

I did meet  3-4 fairly nice guys and began chatting with them on Facebook..after a few weeks i made a date with one of them and we met at an event. It was pretty cool but he left early and i wound up having an awful evening after that(not his fault).In the next several weeks we dated casually and it was ok, but there were some obstacles and red flags. In the end , he decided he was homesick for his home town and was moving back in a month..it was kind of a relief. I really didn't have much time for him due to our opposite work schedules and my other obligations. We are still friends.

Then i went on a very casual date with someone i dated a few times about 2 summers ago. It was a quick dinner at a local bistro and we had fun catching up, but when he came over for "just a few minutes" afterwards..he started trying to make out with me..no....no...no...not ready for that and not interested in doing that stuff for a while.

So..now, i am back at square one.. trying to decide if i want to pursue the other 2 guys i met..i am really kind of down about it though..one has such bad work schedule we were never even able to set up a coffee date and usually just chat online at night. the other one lives in maryland and has a busy life as well..even though he seems like a decent choice..the distance and schedule are almost too daunting.

I am still in contact with my ex and we are always up and down in the friends vs. enemies department..and i hope that finally we have at least reached a stalemate or some loving civility.But i never know from day to day..He runs hot and cold.

I am starting to think i am doomed.I really don't want to get back on a dating site( i had disabled those two) and i will not date in my local community /area because of potential conflicts.

Sigh....

Friday, April 21, 2017

Free and Dark?

The weirdest thing is chasing your obscenities, as an artist..you have to go into the deepest darkest hole of humanity to get there...then when done... drag , scrape, and screech your way out of it...

how to connect with the darkness of art, yet not become it?

you go to the rabbit hole, ask it to suck you down and sign a contract ..that u will not hold it responsible..then digging upward..u find a way to day light..


from creepy doll music, to pipe organs to serial killer confessions (all on you tube) you descend..


then ...reach, claw and scramble to the surface with circus music and some Lurch music..maybe some steam punk giraffe, or Joe Satriani

you go to bed drunk or already hungover...

Maintain "innocent but obscene"..rearing and lassoing that Halo...

Thursday, April 6, 2017

I am Old but not Invisible

I am old, but not invisible
I am tired , but not invincible

While in the mirror the signs may be seen
At my feet lay the crown of a Queen

My love has travelled thru many a Heart
My body has been cast in many a part

From mother, to wife, to nurse to artist
The best is yet to come, and maybe the hardest

I will yet be a force with which to be reckoned
I will not be commanded , but i will be beckoned

The past, present and future are all team players
My home, my friends , and lovers are surveyors

Not everyone will see, but the best of them will
The courageous, the daring, the ones who thrill

I am old but not invisible
My soul remains true , and is indivisible...




Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Rebel for Life

Last week i got kicked out of a bar. Yup, me...age 50. First time ever...The weirdest part was, i had nothing to do with it!.it was both devastating ..and exhilarating.That part came later...Read on.

When it first happened i was in a complete state of shock and confusion. I had attended a charity event nearby earlier in the evening and walked over to may favorite bar for the event after party on a first date with someone. About 200 of my local arts/music friends had gone to both events. I was having a wonderful time. I love this bar. Been going there for years.The bar maid was friendly and knew me by name shouting out "heyyyyy lovie!" when i came in and was  pleasant with me for the first few hours whenever i came  up to order a round. At some point, around 1130pm, i realized my friend had disappeared. I looked all over the bar then went outside to look and call  where i could hear. I came back inside a few times through the back entrance, figuring maybe they had gone home or had run out for something and might be back. I sat with friends for awhile then eventually went back out to call.This time i came back in through the front.It was about 130 am and so i figured i would either order one more beer or close out my tab so this time i went up to the bar.The aforementioned bar maid began screaming at me that i need to close out my tab and get out. What? i asked what i had done, she would not say, she just kept saying"Just get out, you need to leave NOW"..it was unreal, like i had slipped into an alternate universe. At first i thought i had been ruffied and had blacked out and done something insane.. but everyone i asked said they had seen nothing, that they hadn't seen me behaving badly , just sitting at a back table  as usual, chatting with friends..no one could even get a straight answer out of the bar maid or bouncer.So i was a mess...i ubered home alone and broke down crying from humiliation and astonishment.THANK GOD my roommate was there to comfort me.

Over the next day or two i was able, thanks to a few friends who stepped up( privately )to help me, i was able to piece it all together. A friend of mine, who has a reputation for being drunk and aggressive anyway, had copped an attitude with the bar maid at some point ( she had gone outside with me the last time since i didn't want to be standing alone outside a bar at night in the city), who was already completely stressed out with the unexpected volume of people there. So, she snapped, and kicked us  out. Next i found out she did this to a few other people that same night-well known and respectable people in the community. So I was not alone. My roommate messaged her the next day and she stated it was my friend who was rude and that we were both barred for a month..no explanation as to why "i " was taking the brunt of it as well. So there it is.

i have finally gotten over it, and it is now tuesday. It took that long. But heres where a moment of clarity and serendipity occurred. I had spent all of those days wallowing in self pity, blaming others , feeling like a victim, and bemoaning how unfair the whole situation was. Then  2 other things occurred..TODAY

My mother decided to harass my daughter for something concerning me for the umpteenth time, even though i had asked, and out right told her over the past year or two to stop going to her when it concerned me. I realized how much of a drain in so many ways my own mother has been to me all my life, a tremendous negative force which has created a lifelong sense of guilt and low self esteem, not to mention anger and an almost complete inability to have a normal relationship with anyone.

THEN
 my recent Ex of 3 years ( yes, you've heard a lot about him on here) dropped off a box with a note in it also reinforcing the years of guilt tripping he had been laying on me over just about everything since we began as a couple..actually blaming me for trying to "steal his soul" .

SO

I blocked my mom, totally cut her off. Refused to respond to my ex anymore and play the blaming/ guilt game. And i put a HUGE psychological barrier between the  friend who got me into all of that at the bar - because i realized she has been doing  horrible stuff like this to me for years  and i was just putting up with it.

In fact, i was putting up with  these 3 for way way too long and all it has done is held me down and made me miserable.. Guess what? i feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted. I feel 15 years younger , and as if i am floating..

Sometimes all you have to do to keep from hanging yourself is let go of the rope...and thats what it means to have more, by having less:)