Monday, March 13, 2017
In the past week or so i have experienced the return of some old and destructive patterns in my life. I had begun to place a confidence in a relationship that was past its expiration date even at this time last year . i had begun to feel as though i had no motivation to continue with the pursuit of my art. And i had again started to look in the mirror with sadness depression and self pity.It is time to reign that all in before it takes hold.
If i stated here that i have a solid plan, i would be lying. But what i can say is that in recognizing the pattern immediately for what it is , i have a far greater chance at rectifying it. It is certainly odd that one has to repeat old patterns so many times before learning to adhere to or change them as necessary.
I have turned down so many offers in these past 8 months( since my separation) . i had started a brief and disastrous dalliance , and surely learned my lesson form that hasty decision. I tried once more to resurrect the dead with my ex. All of these things have been mistakes, but at least they were brief.I can also say with confidence that i was at least able to get myself in a much more desirable and viable position to stand on my own and maintain my sense of self and freedom. I am grateful i used my head in this respect and that God has given me the strength to persevere and stand my ground.
For now, i have my own home.I have a wonderful friend and roommate . i am mostly financially secure , at least from week to week.I have food, a job, a vehicle ,heat, electric, clean water, and uncountable luxuries that could easily be taken for granted.I have had the presence of mind to dodge some reactionary measures i may have taken, and the peace to get me through each crisis. Unlike even a few months ago when i was barely able to even think about doing such things, especially on my own.
So thank you, God, for your grace, your mercy..your strength and your love. I do not deserve the blessings . Amen.