Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Halloween and Survivalist Thoughts

Well, its Halloween, and so far i have been unable to give up the Nicodemon completely...At one point i had gone 12 days then failed miserably , and after that well its been up and down..So far the pattern is i smoke only 3-4 daily, except  on my nights off ,mainly because i am drinking...I have to say 2 things here though.

1. considering i had been smoking a pack a day or more , i am proud i have maintained only 3-4 a day 5 days a week.

2. it took me two years to fully quit before with many ups & downs ,so giving up is not an option.

There's more than one thing i need to work on- i still need to cut back even more on the drinking.Its another thing i have been up & down with for a few years now. This year has actually been my most successful year at cutting back. And again, i am not giving up.

I have learned that over the past two years i really have done a lot of work on myself. I have left toxic situations, learned how to survive on my own again(financially),kept all of my medical, dental and eye appointments and started seeing the chiropractor regularly , gotten back into my art( and making a profit, at that!), I've revisited my poetry, meditation, and Yoga, started listening to CD books again,as well as stayed committed to not being committed( most dramatically since June of this year).I've also set up a home that i love, and have begun doing events in our own personal venue:)

I've taken a lot of tumbles and pulled myself back up.It's a step by step process, and i am no longer a young chicken.So , even if it takes me two years to :

1. quit smoking
2. keep drinking at a very sensible level
3. start exercising regularly
4.get my finances in complete order
5. decide where i want to live
6. stay single or not
7.start eating better( been on junk food for a year)

I will persevere..That is all...

Monday, October 9, 2017

The Pits & The Pride

So, here's how it is..

I am on day 2 of quitting smoking. Yup i am at 1 day plus 23 hrs , 25 niuntes, 59 seconds..and counting. It sucks...and thats a MILd way to put it.This is the longest i have gone without a cigarette since February of 2012, when, after 10 years of being quit, i stupidly started again.I keep asking myself why, but i know why.

It had to do with separating from my husband of 10 years, as well as moving in with a smoker.Not that i can blame either of them..i alone am responsible.I knew even then, the statistics of taking that first puff..and they were dead on.

I've so far spent the last 2 days in an extremely depressed state of mind...barely making it from one minute to the next.I cannot even imagine heroin or crack addictions...because at least i am not in physical pain, and my habit didn't lose me a job, a child, or my life in general.It merely stole years of my health, some of my money, and put me back in the "addict" category.

The main reason i decided to quit is because for the last 5 weeks or so i had been unable to sleep well due to waking up from coughing fits, even throughout vacation..this due to getting bronchitis for the 3rd year in a row at this time of year. If i cant sleep, my whole being suffers.So i could not go on in denial and suffering.If it had not been for that, i would have ignored it for years longer.

I am trying the patches but so far they do NOT seem to be helping at all.I have vape pen and am using a 0% nicotine blend, and i have the gun for extreme urges( even though that barely helps).On the positive side, one of my 2 roommates is also quitting, and the support is extremely helpful. The other one is trying but really has only "cut back". All ashtrays , lighters, etc are outside, car is cleaned out.Right now though, i am resentful( stupidly so) that the one roomie still has the means to relieve extreme urges by having a puff here  and there, and the child in me is whining "it's not fair!"...sigh.i have lollipops and regular gum, cut up straws, snacks, etc.I ahem been trying to drink extra ice cold water , stretch and get outside for fresh air, and busy myself with housework. i keep going online to support sites and have an app as well on my phone ( i check it several times a day)But it's not enough and i don't know what else to do. So here i am, blogging about it.

tonight i just had to get away from everyone , and i am up in my room alone..because i feel pathetic and weak. My mind keeps telling me i cant do this, and i have to fight back constantly.So here is a list ( as suggested by some sites) of why i need/want to quit.This si supposed to help as a reminder.

1. so i can sleep better in general, with less nicotine in my system
2. less or no coughing fits
3. less bad breath and could smelling clothes and hands
4. being able to go to smoke free places without worrying
5.not feeling toxic all the time
7.not feeling ashamed of my addiction
8.the feeling of victory over something that has controlled me for so long-discipline and strength
9.better example for my grandkids
10.less being sick

i'm sure there are more.i keep reading other peoples insights, that does help. There have been a few moments where i have felt stronger, and the 24 hr mark made me feel like a winner- at least temporarily.My next "goal" is 3 days, then 7 , then 2 weeks, 30 days, and so on..i kind feel like i am in an AA support group - without getting any chips.I know i have to think of some realistic rewards as well..

All i can say is..i will keep trying, praying not to fail..Namaste

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Being your "Best Person"

I have a huge sign on my refrigerator ..it has 3 #'d questions i ask myself everyday as a reminder:

1.What are you doing to make the world a better place?
2. How are you going to give/give back?
3. Are you being your best person?

The last few months of my life( well years actually but more specific to this blog post) have been a virtual hell...a few moments of enlightenment , for sure...but honestly -hell.

At the end of June i made a commitment to stay out of ANY emotional entanglements/involvements /intimacies with anyone( mostly male..but also toxic female persons) . I put my best foot forward and dived headlong into healing myself in a myriad of ways. This encompassed my physical, mental, emotional and financial health.I have mentioned some of the spiritual and physical accomplishments previously. But let me expand on some other stuff.

In addition to treating my body better by getting the new bed, starting chiropractic treatment , yoga classes and increased meditations..my roommates and i ventured out more into the community and became more involved in general..Then we started our own venue, The Purple Giraffe Artists Loft.This was a huge endeavor and we committed to a team effort to get it up and going. We started with a once a month open mic poetry event.

Now this is at our actual home, so set up, expenses , and advertising was all on us.I have to say here, that since i have the most past experience with doing events, as well as the largest income..a huge chunk of my time and money went into this.So far we have done 3 open mic events..two have been semi successful..one was an absolute disappointment. When i say successful, i mean i solicited several featured poets, for two of the events, and have 3 for Novembers reserved. Also we actually had some unknown/new people( about 3-4 ) show up at each one, in addition to the featured performers and the vendors, which i also solicited.

Now , at the 2 "successful" ones, even though there was maybe a total of 10-15 people, everyone had a good time and left happy. So thats success in and of itself..plus we have had a a few say they will definitely return.

However, in spite the many years and many many people i have supported in this arts/music/poetry community - only about 5 have bothered to show up, help, promote or support us.Its beyond disappointing. I feel no repayment on my years of investment..only rejection, insecurity and and ostracization (if thats a word).I feel ignored and pushed aside.Its depressing and horrible.

After ruminating for months now ( and with all of the other issues- life, bills, problems, etc all piling up along side of this) i finally let some of it out today in a Facebook post. As expected, almost completely ignored.So..what does one do from this point?

Be your best person.

That means going on, surviving, re assessing , taking a deeper look at the reality and making adjustments necessary for ones mental, physical and spiritual health.

It won't be easy. I will face more of the same( criticism, difficulties, challenges, and at times, despair)..but i will be more set on a realistic outcome.I will regroup and make goals, plans, and progress. I won't give up.

I may have to , at some point, realize that the area i have been investing in is not where i need to be, where i will grow and flourish. or i may ( and i hope) to find a better, more mature, open minded group to affiliate with .a group previously unknown who are not always"up in arms" about everything and are actually wanting to improve things, not make everything an offense or something to spend time arguing about.People who want to enjoy life, sometimes agree to disagree, be healthy, balanced and well rounded in their lives and thinking.

Its all just a matter of looking at those questions, everyday and truly asking them of myself..


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

There once was a Fly in my Soup

Time to take that into perspective...exactly what IS a fly in your soup?

I'm not talking literally- which of course has happened to some.
I mean what is that ANNOYANCE that really makes you angry at times, the one you know is just one of those "little" things? The one that is just part of life and never really goes away, but doesn't give you the right to be grumpy or mean to people?

Yeah, we all have at least one, if not a few.

One of mine is people who are so long winded, rambling, topic jumping, or self centered that you really, seriously have to be rude at a certain point and interrupt them just to try to get a few words in or ask a question.
Another one is waiting a long time for a simple service....like a scheduled car service, a hair appointment, dental appointment, or a simple meal at a restaurant or drive through.

Additionally, i have been known to lose my patience when trying to explain something to someone who is constantly interrupting me and re directing...asking a million questions, or refocusing the conversation on their own, unrelated issues over and over.

yet even i can be guilty of all the above and-

yup, and i probably have a few more..

The thing is how do we deal with these inevitable nuisances and keep our own selves in check?How do we 'grin and bear it" or come up with the courage to civilly address them ? And what do we do when we lose it, our patience and common courtesy ? Can we simply apologize? Even if we know it
has caused some damage?

I think the answer is cloudy.  First, quite possibly , the solution lies within our own internal vision of what is "acceptable" , "correct", or "wrong".Our "expectations". In my case, many times i have been able to reflect on a situation and see that it was my individual ( perhaps subconscious) judgement or mood at the moment. For instance:

Waiting for a meal at a diner as a consumer:"i" expect prompt , efficient service. "i" am paying for the privilege of being "served". I expect courtesy, great food, reasonable prices and ,GOD forbid... it better not take more than 10 minutes!! haha...


Waiting on someone at a restaurant as a waitress: "i " expect to be treated like a human being, not a slave or servant. "i" expect the customer to make up his or her mind in a reasonable amount of time once i return and they start to order( not humming and hawing through the menu as if they were choosing a place to travel to in Europe some day in the future). "i" expect to be tipped appropriately for good service.

Ok...compare the two ideals.

Same person (me), two very different situations.

sometimes we get caught up so much in our own selfish needs( imaginary or not) that we forget to to take perspective .

The customer :may have had a long day at work and just needs to decompress, he/she may not usually be able to afford to go out and wants to feel special that night, he/she may be coming down with an illness or maybe has a chronic painful illness , he/she may be dealing with young , over active children or even a disabled family member, he or she may be going through a dramatic, stressful life event( death, divorce, loss of income, etc).

The Waitress: some of the above may also apply...but: he/she may have been on the shift for a long time that day, may have more than one job, may be new in the position, or may be having some conflicts with other staff or employer.She/he may not be getting many tips, may be under paid that  or getting the courtesy deserved, and may be taking the heat for other staff's inadequacies.

I guess the bottom line is..stepping out of your own scenario and at least trying to see/understand the other side is usually the best thing. Not making assessments based on your own views, or mood, or habits, expectations.

All in all, i also believe that what we do outside of stressful situations directly impacts how we deal with them when confronted. do we sit around in  self-loathing, blaming the world for not catering to us? Do we see other people, or things as the problem? Do we challenge ourselves to understand other points of view and actually embrace them rather than defend our own 90% of the time?

What we do when we are at calm..or alone...or even in meditation makes a huge difference when we are faced with situations that challenge us.It is not just something to deal with each time it happens, especially if one is prone to being reactive.. I hope to use my time wisely, and become better at locating or avoiding the flies in my own soup.


Friday, September 1, 2017

Body Image

Along a winding path we travel, feeling our way we are brave, even if fearful- but we persist..until one day, we discover

"The Mirror"

now we start to question ourselves,ask if we are normal..if we are good looking or pretty...if we are good enough.now we start to compare ourselves to other "selves".now, every time we pass this damn thing , we compulsively look, assess, worry, and usually walk away in disgust-or at least with a lowered opinion of ourselves.

So our path becomes a circle in which we are drawn back to this mirror for validation time and time again. We no longer walk half as much down the confident , exhilarating path of discovery , learning from experiences, and enjoying our human-ness. Instead we look to others for opinions and approval.Instead we learn , over and over, that we will never be "quite" good enough no matter how hard we strive, contrive, achieve ,believe , accomplish,or relinquish- there will always be something lacking.

And no matter how internal this becomes, we keep seeking external validation- foolishly.
It's a wonder we survive past our teen years.

At best we go through many decades beyond this attempting to over come the intensity of pubescent angst. We dress, groom, and behave as we are taught by those in our environment so that we can "fit in". We watch and imitate our parents, siblings, peers, fashion models, celebrities, and even admired strangers.Sometimes we are even able to convince ourselves we are semi comfortable in our own skin, all the while knowing deep down inside that insecurity still exists, and we are just talking around it.

And no matter how much we overcome , we will always be conscious of those stretch marks, those increasing wrinkles, the ever growing spare tire,the bald patch, the saggy _____, the too large or too small_____, being too tall , being too short, not having the right______, etc etc etc.

Eventually , we lose ourselves-our truest self- to the world and its opinions-of-the-day.

As i sit here in my 50th year, i am not gonna tell you i have somehow discovered some secret to becoming youthful again. Nor will i say i have overcome my insecurities and magically become comfortable with myself.I will not pretend i go through each day confident and without anxiety or mild depression.It is present,it is part of us all , whether we chose to acknowledge it or try to assume an air of indifference.We lie to ourselves. We go on.

But i will say a few other things. It's never NOT time to strive for self acceptance, self love, or self esteem.It is never ok to continue to circle the drain of self loathing. It is not acceptable to remain toxic to yourself, or to give up and drown in self pity.

It IS ok to keep "plugging away" , everyday.It is ok to keep walking the walk, putting on your big girl/big boy pants, and facing the world.It is ok to constantly struggle and strive to be better,to learn, to grow, to experience life...no matter what your age or conditions.

Along the way we have achieved more than we can even remember or acknowledge. Some of us experience that if we raise children, watching them begin to talk, take steps, eat with utensils,sort out simple words or math problems, dress for a job interview, drive a car.

See, every single step, no matter how small is important.Some are uphill, some are like floating on air.Yet, balance comes in time.

Again, at age 50..i'm just actually "starting" to learn and grow, and realize i have so much more to learn , to do, to achieve .Not so much externally, as most of the past decades, but internally.Every failure, is a success in disguise.Every discovery is magic.Every memory is part of my resume.

As God wills it, our lives will go on. And we have to decide with each breath what we will make of it, how we will love ourselves, and therefore love others.We need to be our "best person", living examples,grateful stewards, and fierce warriors- peaceful , but unrelenting.

This is how we teach ourselves, honor our selves and our creator, grow our children, and finally..fall in love with our life-all of it.Because not one single thing is wrong with us, we are an ongoing project- tweaking ourselves, perspiring, hurting, enjoying, thinking, expressing, and most of all worthy!

Sunday, August 20, 2017


the last few weeks have been a total roller coaster..in a GOOD way! Ive made many decisions and have changed so many things in my life, little each day.From adding yoga and meditation, staying totally away from men and relationships,to vitamins and herbs , to seeing a chiropractor and loving my new temper pedic bed- I've even invested in  TENS unit-and these are just the major changes:)i have thus far stuck to my plan to reduce alcohol consumption as well..now let me fully explain this..

A while back i realized i was an alcoholic, and probably always have been- not that i have always indulged..Many years in my life i was totally alcohol free.and hadn't even thought about it.But around age 43 i began a journey with it that led to many bad things.Nothing major like a DUI or losing a job or becoming homeless..but many many minor issues- emotional, mental, and physical. Last year , if you recall, i went for 90 days without it & it gave me a whole new perspective . i consider THIS the beginning of my journey. It has not been without failures, obstacles, elations, and discoveries( both good and bad). For instance,i started drinking beer instead of wine,which was cool at first- less hangover, cheaper, etc, but as the song goes"sooner or later God's gonna cut you down" and in the past few months , it has. I started becoming rude and belligerent , drinking way more than i should on my nights off, and the hangovers got worse and worse- sometimes lasting 2 days , with anxiety and depression to boot.

at the beginning of this month i decided i would cut back a whole lot, with a plan- 1st 2 weeks , only a 6 pack on ONE night, not 2...then this past week down to 3 beers total on my nights off...done it, and done really well- even foregoing any  at all the first of 3 nights off and instead- spending it painting and organizing. These last 2 nights i drank 3- friday slowly, tonight quickly..its kind of an experiment... ..learning a lot about myself, my tolerance and the various effects.

anyway, wasn't meaning to post about alcoholism, but rather the things that have gotten my to a point where i finally was able to address it. That being some of the above, along with talking to my roommates, saying mantras constantly, researching, and keeping myself busy with healthful things.

I have many goals yet to attain- including quitting smoking, and starting to exercise regularly again. Not to lose weight or look better, but to FEEL better, more focused, and centered.I write all this down to get it out and as a reference for myself, but if you are reading this , know that we are all on our own journey..make it about peace, love, and happiness!

Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Irony of Criticism

I really need to write about this before i explode.

In the last few weeks i made the decision to cut someone out of my life who constantly gave me shit about offending them. The irony here is that it was the very same person who was a major contributor to the problem.It's upsetting and confusing. I spent most of our relationship feeling absolutely horrible about myself. It started almost from day one- i was constantly being reminded i wasn't behaving appropriately, my feelings and ways of expressing myself were unacceptable and everything the person initially seemed to like about me and fell in love with me for were no longer allowed and were wrong. From the way i dressed, spoke, acted and thought to things i posted on Facebook,wrote about here in my blog, said to my friends, or ..well you get the picture..i endured this for 3 years as it progressed and magnified and  no matter how many changes i made, there was always, always something more that i was or wasn't doing that displeased him..

Funny thing is, his last complaints about me were that i offended him when i drank..i was critical of him, etc..(mainly just off handed remarks i made were turned into major issues) .So the person who in fact formed me into a defensive and "mean " person because of the persistent humiliations and criticisms is trying to reverse the issue and place that on me.( google D.A.R.V.O.- the personality is real).Not having it...I have at last realized the issue is within the person themselves- its their own problem, not mine, and nothing i change about me will resolve it. It's on them.I could be mother theresa and daughter of Ghandi in all ways and there would still be issues.

Yes, i am a much meaner person when i drink these days, and i know i need to work on that. ..Because i never ever used to be this angry or mean when i drank. In fact i was more lovable and fun because i finally was relaxed.But over the years of unrelenting criticism, and having to be on the defense at all times..Ive gotten much worse, and usually theres a particular "trigger"---gee, is the picture becoming clear?Is there any reason to believe that there isn't a connection to the condition  as well with the escalation in my drinking , such as covering up my deep insecurities stemming from all of this?

Additionally i realized that my own mother was the same way, further creating the monster that i have become. I have fortunately gotten her as well as another" ego feeder" out of my life and i am now working, finally, on healing ME. The criticizer has continued to find ways to demean and under mine me, even finding ways around all of my communication blocks to do it.The last 3 emails i received, though, all nasty and condemning , i refused to feed into and did not engage in the battle as usual . I am finally done with poisoning my soul, and numbing my brain and body to deal with it.

I am on a sabbatical from alcohol for awhile( short goal of 30 days this time)  to focus on lief and clear my head without any unnecessary distractions- i have been adding many other healing things into my life.Meditation, art work and projects, honest discussions with my roommates, my new bed is still awesome, yoga..and oh! NO men!I can't even deal with any of that right now..So basically i am abstaining from sex, relationships and alcohol.

I have to get back to someone i can love inside, and theres a long long road of recovery ahead..Namaste!

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

The Journey

As i have continued to explore my meditation practice i have discovered the possibilities of going as deeply as i've previously read about( years ago and was unable to achieve) and possibly even as deep as some of the stories i have heard from those who take hallucinogens. In the last several weeks i have meditated at least 2-3 times per day with the exceptions of my first night off during the week( i reserve that for enjoyments of a different nature).

During these weeks i have had  3 very deep and fantastic journeys..

 It doesn't happen every time. It takes daily practice..and i never know when the experiences will come....It's extremely random and bizarre, but worth every single minute. I am given so much information, and am coming to so many new truths about life, my life, this world ..so much.

I can only begin to describe these adventures. They are sincerely difficult to put into words..However the first journey i was able to write down immediately afterwards and post on my poetry/writing page on Facebook..i will copy and paste it here ( the 2nd and 3rd i will write about in future posts in a much different format):

Once upon a vibration a creature of the feminine was in repose. The creature had always manifested the feminine- sometimes fierce, sometimes vulnerable. Around her in the dimension she had chosen was the vivid waterfall and forest, the creatures therein, and the rocks. Feelings, as they are often called, of the bubbling liquids, cracks in the stones, translucency of leaves, and treks of tiny beings marching about permeated the air. The elements swirled casually pushing around the essences and acoustic extensions lended their symphonies to the environment.
A voice added to the knowledge plane:
Feelings aren’t a real thing- just a lingering vibration. Entities of nature connect with the vibrations at various times for various reasons…mainly to experience a specific sensation. The why’s are never important, nor are the circumstances. Involvement is the motivation.
The creature was drawn into the voice of wisdom: The rock – which spoke as an authority, being the oldest manifestation. She listened, the conversed, asking questions, receiving answers of great depth. The rock explained that he had birthed her, as well as all life coming after he himself was created. He had began as the foundation for many of the manifestations known to the visual world as trees, water, wind, fire, earth. All of those things were formed in order to nourish and nuture each one of the creatures known commonly as life forms. These are noticed in her current state usually as humans ..but also animals, insects, etc. Most of these forms move to our visible eye without effort, but the original manifestations are also moving at all times, just at such a slow rate it is often undetectable without special aids.When the rock commenced his oration, she then understood the connectedness of all, and how all are actually one.
Transported and transformed -the beginning of her own creation was revealed. A warm glowing and vibrant light eminated from her core. So amazed and awed ,she stayed in that state for moments of linear time…experiencing it.
Suddenly the connection she had heard of began to manifest at her own will, her feet grew into leaves , then branches, ..her arms formed into vines and her core into rock and water. She came to understand the power give to her- the ability for all beings ( all originating from a light form) have the power to manifest into any other form they chose, in order to experience the values of life .She began to ask questions again , can I become a tree? A waterfall? An animal?
Yes, indeed she and all beings can and chose throughout linear time which to become. She could not see herself as a crawling critter of the earth, no matter how she tried..the wisdom answered..”that is because you manifest as a bird, and that is because you are not bound to the solid. Not every creature is bound to one thing or another, yet some are- by choice from their origin”.
So overwhelmed by the knowledge gained, her mind almost heightened to exhaustion she asked to rest from it and immediately the rocks and trees again became solid and from her vantage point of the visual she saw the colors and vibrations of them for the first time. 
Slowly she came back to the vibration she had chosen for this life. Her fears of whether to share the knowledge came to light upon her shoulder, whispering quietly. She decided to give the fears no voice, but to use her own voice to share.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Binaural Puretones

This will officially begin my log of research concerning the most recent amazing discovery in my life.I am talking about the use of an ALL natural, chemical free, money free,guilt free way to achieve pain relief when you need it.

I ran into this method by accident approximately 2 weeks ago while one night after driving to work i was once again in such pain i could barely imagine making it through another shift of mainly sitting, sitting, sitting. Driving for me is even worse and i dread it every night and especially in the morning.

Anyway, i was in such desperation i was willing to try anything ( outside of narcotics-bad experiences)...i i have been using all manner of treatments for years and years with varying degrees of effectiveness - from daily prescriptions of arthritis/anxiety/muscle relaxer meds, to all 4 over the counter pain pills(aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen and naproxen sodium-rotating them throughout the day), heat pads, cold compresses, yoga,meditation, mild to vigorous exercise, many, many relaxation techniques..none of it lasted very long with the exception of yoga & mediation which i stupidly gave up years ago and am now revisiting.

So ,i was in an almost crippled state, including in the equation that the mattress i have been forced to use since july has contributed exponentially to my pain factor. I went online to find a youtube video about SOMETHING....ANYTHING different i could try. i typed in" extreme pain  relief"...the 1st video that came up was something i'd never heard of...binaural tones...i thought.."what the hell..it cant hurt".

I was stunned and amazed....within 15 minutes my pain had been cut in half...no meds..no stretches, no 1 hr mediation....no visualization..In fact, no effort at all on my part..just earplug in, listening passively..

so i continued to search through various videos and learned that the most effective were the PURE tones( no music overlays)..and i googled all the textual info i  could as well.I read about the different tones ( delta, theta , beta, alpha, gamma) and their effects, origin of discovery, uses, and physiology.

i used the same initial video 5 nights in a row with increasing effectiveness, then tried a second round in a row - discovering COMPLETE pain relief within 25 minutes...my brain was reeling with excitement..I have not been pain free for decades, with the exception of my addiction to muscle relaxers over a decade ago and, well- we all know where that leads..Cold turkey was a bitch.

In the next week i discovered monaural tones...also very useful..then discovered isochromic tones..Insane....the more i experimented the more precise the effects. Finding the right ones for "me" was key, and i saved them in my bookmarks.
i have been trying them with and without OTC meds, heat/cold, etc....they were no more or less effective with them, so who needs the chemicals?Hooray!

i did learn also that they absolutely do NOT work with alcohol, caffeine,nerve or anxiety meds, etc.
Reclining is essential for me, closing my eyes is helpful but not necessary. Distractions and interruptions can decrease the effects drastically.

At any rate i continue my search daily..this morning and tonight i tried an SMR pure isochromic tone for anxiety and depression- i believe i will be able to actually replace my use of sleep meds with these pulsing tones.I continue with daily sessions of the extreme pain relief original video with wonderful results.And i am just getting ready to use a 40Hz Gamma pure tone for "the brains operating system". i want to log my own effects without reading any info first or other feedback so it will be purely result oriented and in my own words/experience- then check out what others say.

Additionally this has motivated me to look into other methods of self healing including a return to the newer biofeedback tools, flotation/sensory deprivation tanks, salt rooms/salt lamps, as well as inversion tables and TENS units..oh and a damn new mattress...Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Dating Life

In the past month i decide i would try..yes, i said TRY, to date...here's a little something about my experiences

I tried to date casually by picking some random person on my Facebook page who seemed to be very nice and i had chatted with a  few times...we met at a group event and it was a pretty decent evening. The next date was him coming over to hang out with my roomie and i for the evening and that was ok, altho we were drinking and he spent the night on my sofa..drooling, snoring, and otherwise not being very attractive. The next time he came over to just hang out with me, got too drunk, kept making inappropriate advances until i finally had enough and made him leave. He got DUI on the way home.Lovely.We are still friends online but , no thanks.

Ok , so i go on two dating sites..started getting over 3oo messages a day and mostly form unacceptable persons who did not even bother to read my profile...they had kids at home, and were way over the age limit i specified..so i went ack in to change a few things..I got a few nasty comments that i ws demanding( owing to requiring the basics of having ones own car, their own place, a cell phone , and a job) wow....

I did meet  3-4 fairly nice guys and began chatting with them on Facebook..after a few weeks i made a date with one of them and we met at an event. It was pretty cool but he left early and i wound up having an awful evening after that(not his fault).In the next several weeks we dated casually and it was ok, but there were some obstacles and red flags. In the end , he decided he was homesick for his home town and was moving back in a month..it was kind of a relief. I really didn't have much time for him due to our opposite work schedules and my other obligations. We are still friends.

Then i went on a very casual date with someone i dated a few times about 2 summers ago. It was a quick dinner at a local bistro and we had fun catching up, but when he came over for "just a few minutes" afterwards..he started trying to make out with me..no....no...no...not ready for that and not interested in doing that stuff for a while.

So..now, i am back at square one.. trying to decide if i want to pursue the other 2 guys i met..i am really kind of down about it though..one has such bad work schedule we were never even able to set up a coffee date and usually just chat online at night. the other one lives in maryland and has a busy life as well..even though he seems like a decent choice..the distance and schedule are almost too daunting.

I am still in contact with my ex and we are always up and down in the friends vs. enemies department..and i hope that finally we have at least reached a stalemate or some loving civility.But i never know from day to day..He runs hot and cold.

I am starting to think i am doomed.I really don't want to get back on a dating site( i had disabled those two) and i will not date in my local community /area because of potential conflicts.


Friday, April 21, 2017

Free and Dark?

The weirdest thing is chasing your obscenities, as an artist..you have to go into the deepest darkest hole of humanity to get there...then when done... drag , scrape, and screech your way out of it...

how to connect with the darkness of art, yet not become it?

you go to the rabbit hole, ask it to suck you down and sign a contract ..that u will not hold it responsible..then digging upward..u find a way to day light..

from creepy doll music, to pipe organs to serial killer confessions (all on you tube) you descend..

then ...reach, claw and scramble to the surface with circus music and some Lurch music..maybe some steam punk giraffe, or Joe Satriani

you go to bed drunk or already hungover...

Maintain "innocent but obscene"..rearing and lassoing that Halo...

Thursday, April 6, 2017

I am Old but not Invisible

I am old, but not invisible
I am tired , but not invincible

While in the mirror the signs may be seen
At my feet lay the crown of a Queen

My love has travelled thru many a Heart
My body has been cast in many a part

From mother, to wife, to nurse to artist
The best is yet to come, and maybe the hardest

I will yet be a force with which to be reckoned
I will not be commanded , but i will be beckoned

The past, present and future are all team players
My home, my friends , and lovers are surveyors

Not everyone will see, but the best of them will
The courageous, the daring, the ones who thrill

I am old but not invisible
My soul remains true , and is indivisible...

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Rebel for Life

Last week i got kicked out of a bar. Yup, me...age 50. First time ever...The weirdest part was, i had nothing to do with it!.it was both devastating ..and exhilarating.That part came later...Read on.

When it first happened i was in a complete state of shock and confusion. I had attended a charity event nearby earlier in the evening and walked over to may favorite bar for the event after party on a first date with someone. About 200 of my local arts/music friends had gone to both events. I was having a wonderful time. I love this bar. Been going there for years.The bar maid was friendly and knew me by name shouting out "heyyyyy lovie!" when i came in and was  pleasant with me for the first few hours whenever i came  up to order a round. At some point, around 1130pm, i realized my friend had disappeared. I looked all over the bar then went outside to look and call  where i could hear. I came back inside a few times through the back entrance, figuring maybe they had gone home or had run out for something and might be back. I sat with friends for awhile then eventually went back out to call.This time i came back in through the front.It was about 130 am and so i figured i would either order one more beer or close out my tab so this time i went up to the bar.The aforementioned bar maid began screaming at me that i need to close out my tab and get out. What? i asked what i had done, she would not say, she just kept saying"Just get out, you need to leave NOW"..it was unreal, like i had slipped into an alternate universe. At first i thought i had been ruffied and had blacked out and done something insane.. but everyone i asked said they had seen nothing, that they hadn't seen me behaving badly , just sitting at a back table  as usual, chatting with friends..no one could even get a straight answer out of the bar maid or bouncer.So i was a mess...i ubered home alone and broke down crying from humiliation and astonishment.THANK GOD my roommate was there to comfort me.

Over the next day or two i was able, thanks to a few friends who stepped up( privately )to help me, i was able to piece it all together. A friend of mine, who has a reputation for being drunk and aggressive anyway, had copped an attitude with the bar maid at some point ( she had gone outside with me the last time since i didn't want to be standing alone outside a bar at night in the city), who was already completely stressed out with the unexpected volume of people there. So, she snapped, and kicked us  out. Next i found out she did this to a few other people that same night-well known and respectable people in the community. So I was not alone. My roommate messaged her the next day and she stated it was my friend who was rude and that we were both barred for a month..no explanation as to why "i " was taking the brunt of it as well. So there it is.

i have finally gotten over it, and it is now tuesday. It took that long. But heres where a moment of clarity and serendipity occurred. I had spent all of those days wallowing in self pity, blaming others , feeling like a victim, and bemoaning how unfair the whole situation was. Then  2 other things occurred..TODAY

My mother decided to harass my daughter for something concerning me for the umpteenth time, even though i had asked, and out right told her over the past year or two to stop going to her when it concerned me. I realized how much of a drain in so many ways my own mother has been to me all my life, a tremendous negative force which has created a lifelong sense of guilt and low self esteem, not to mention anger and an almost complete inability to have a normal relationship with anyone.

 my recent Ex of 3 years ( yes, you've heard a lot about him on here) dropped off a box with a note in it also reinforcing the years of guilt tripping he had been laying on me over just about everything since we began as a couple..actually blaming me for trying to "steal his soul" .


I blocked my mom, totally cut her off. Refused to respond to my ex anymore and play the blaming/ guilt game. And i put a HUGE psychological barrier between the  friend who got me into all of that at the bar - because i realized she has been doing  horrible stuff like this to me for years  and i was just putting up with it.

In fact, i was putting up with  these 3 for way way too long and all it has done is held me down and made me miserable.. Guess what? i feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted. I feel 15 years younger , and as if i am floating..

Sometimes all you have to do to keep from hanging yourself is let go of the rope...and thats what it means to have more, by having less:)

Monday, March 13, 2017

Grace Under Fire

In the past week or so i have experienced the return of some old and destructive patterns in my life. I had begun to place a confidence in a relationship that was past its expiration date even at this time last year . i had begun to feel as though i had no motivation to continue with the pursuit of my art. And i had again started to look in the mirror with sadness depression and self pity.It is time to reign that all in before it takes hold.

If i stated here that i have a solid plan, i would be lying. But what i can say is that in recognizing the pattern immediately for what it is , i have a far greater chance at rectifying it. It is certainly odd that one has to repeat old patterns so many times before learning to adhere to or change them as necessary. 

I have turned down so many offers in these past 8 months( since my separation) . i had started a brief and disastrous dalliance , and surely learned my lesson form that hasty decision. I tried once more to resurrect the dead with my ex. All of these things have been mistakes, but at least they were brief.I can also say with confidence that i was at least able to get myself in a much more desirable and viable position to stand on my own and maintain my sense of self and freedom. I am grateful i used my head in this respect and that God has given me the strength to persevere and stand my ground.

For now, i have my own home.I have a wonderful friend and roommate . i am mostly financially secure , at least from week to week.I have food, a job, a vehicle ,heat, electric, clean water, and uncountable luxuries that could easily be taken for granted.I have had the presence of mind to dodge some reactionary measures i may have taken, and the peace to get me through each crisis. Unlike even a few months ago when i was barely able to even think about doing such things, especially on my own.

So thank you, God, for your grace, your mercy..your strength and your love. I do not deserve the blessings . Amen.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Of Old and New Dreams..

Today I started something new..a poetry page!.I used to write poetry in my teen and young adult years and have written a handful in the years following. Sometime about 2 years ago, i started down the path of typing them all out, as previously they had all been only hand written. I'm still working on that.

Getting out of my box at least a few times a year and trying something new has always been a thing for me. It's helped me to grow and learn.

But there's something else.

In times of deep sorrow, deep thinking , and even deeper memories , there is a comfort in knowing i have felt a certain way before. It reminds me that life is not all good, not all bad, and not all in between.

I've had many loves and many lovers. I've had many homes and many places to live. I have had many jobs and s few careers. I have many family members by blood and many that are not. Hell, i've even had many pets, and many stuffed animals( hahaha).

But with each coming and going, there are always dark secrets to be told or kept inside..those kept inside can be written, hidden, and later taken in by the heart.

In this latest endeavor, i will seek to unleash the bonds that have held me for many years . I have pieces written as early as 1985, and pieces written only a few months ago. I've combined these with some dark art and photography of my own as well. Enjoy! https://www.facebook.com/The-Vidalias-Voice-1437039306330442/

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Peace and Growth

Since January 1st, i have had a roommate. She is wonderful.I've known her  for 5 years . She is an artist like myself- a real one- not just a dabbler.We can sit for hours and talk about paint colors, textures, mediums, techniques, the best companies for supplies,galleries, and other artists. We are both liberal and conservative and bring to the table many topics of deep discussion...and we never argue, sometimes just agree to disagree.We discuss projects, plans, life goals , family and friends.She has her own art space/studio up stairs and i have mine on the second floor- sometimes we are both painting and other times we are both doing something else.. It's almost a shame we will never be a couple! haha! But yet, thats a good thing as well:)

Aside from that, my time in my new home as a single woman has been all growth and the stability, security and satisfaction in my life has been wonderfully increasing since day 1.I have had time to evaluate my own feelings , self worth, and the underlying motivation of my actions and feelings. I have been able to redirect myself at a smooth and casual pace to come into a better place and frame of mind for the now..and for the future. No relationship is standing in my way..i can date, i can have sex if i want, i can stay home, i can go out with friends ..its MY decision...i never had such independence and it is FABULOUS.

If i had know decades ago how insightful and focused i could have been on my own for certain time frames, i am convinced i would be a much healthier person in every way.

I am not saying there haven't been some bumps, and definitely a learning curve..I have experienced a lot of financial shake ups before during and since the move..but its all coming around.Having the extra $ from the roomie and working more FT hours since after the new year has really helped to get me back on track.Always crossing my fingers though that some new crisis isn't lurking, i remain ever hopefull.

Another thing i have learned is that i do indeed paint better when sober. I can still do basic forms and backgrounds while drinking( only beer these days) but my best work has been the evenings before work , when i can NOT drink at all..and i can take several days , a few hours at a time to focus.This year i have committed to working on textures and using different mediums..