Sunday, June 5, 2016

Simplicity..

It still amazes me how little i write here anymore...and how much things change in between. Last post i was just at the tail end of a long period of sobriety..It is now June..3months  later ..ive done well maintaining my sobriety and not over doing any kind of alcohol...i really have had to try to get to this point, and ive had a few moments where i was close to slipping..but i keep myself at one and only one small bottle of wine , once a week...no more.Some weeks none at all.

But thats not really why i decided to write tonight. My relationship , what has been up & down , over & over..just made sense all at once to me and i just have to write it down somewhere..After basiaclly being told by my boyfriend that he feels like i take too much of his time( which is barely anytime at all)  i finally realized what exactly i have been missing .After struggling to be his" perfect woman" in everyway, changing my life, my personality, my freinds, my habits, virtually EVERYTHING and struggling daily --in turmoil over why doesnt he even give me credit or love me any better...i realized;

There are only 2 things he needs/wants for me...
1.sex...
2.and cuddling on the couch...
He needs me for nothing else, and to be his perfect girlfreind i need to just leave him alone except for those two things...wow..what a revelation...and ive been working so hard.Even when i present it to him exactly like that-"so i've been doing all this changing and trying for nothing?"- he just nods his head!!!

well at any rate , as sad as i was to learn that, it was the understanding of what that means for me that has finally freed me. I DONT have to work hard...at anything.I can be who and what i want to be. I no longer have to spend hours making meals for him, trying to stay sober, dressing conservatively ,waiting around for him to come home, obsessivley cleaning , and trying my hardest to look independent or impress him in some way....because none of that matters.

Of course he doesnt want to argue, and doesnt want me having sex with others( except in his fantasies).I guess thats really the only 2 things i gotta remember and deal with...other than that..just forget about him..leave him alone...and provide the 2 things he needs, dont break the other 2 rules...pretty simple.

In light of all that i started to see that i havent been taking care of my own needs at all, especially the little nagging resentments ive been building up..ive hidden them , let them simmer, boiled about them and muttered under my breath till i gave and just accepted them..well..NO MORE:)
i will no longer leave leftovers in the fridge, or even eat them at work unless i truly truly want to...i will buy and eat what i WANT to eat!Additionally, i am just starting to slowly go thru the house and get rid of the annoying little nic nack things and rugs and shit that have been making my cleaning more difficult.Who cares if my rooms are plain....so much easier. And there's gonna be a lot more changes, whether he likes it or not- most likely he wont even notice tho.

so all in all my life just got and is about to get easier and more peaceful, i believe..we will see..things change...namaste!

No comments: