Tuesday, June 21, 2016

And You're so Vain...

Dear Sir,

I hope when i am finally gone you miss me like hell...all the little things about me , every touch, every moment of laughter.I hope you sit in sadness and depression for hours, staring at walls unable to move like i do almost every day.I hope that when u cook a meal, watch a movie, drive past some special spot, smell a familiar smell , see a picture,or even get groceries- it reminds you- and u get that knot in the pit of your stomache.

I hope when u wake up several times during the night my face comes to your mind and when u reach over i'm not there. And then you remember what it felt like to hold me , and be touched lovingly by me.I hope when you wake up your heart immediately jumps into your throat and stays there all day long as you try to go through the motions somehow.

I hope you hear my voice everywhere, remember words we spoke, and plans we made.I pray you thank god every chance you get for even the brief time we shared together, and ask him to please please fix things.

I hope that while i'm still there you cant stand to hear me talk and you cant stand me being silent, and that you don't even know what to say because you are afraid your eyes will fill with tears and nothing will come out- but that you somehow you manage to say a few neutral words- hoping to sound normal.

I hope that every time we have sex and everytime we dont, you question yourself about why the things happened the way they did, and you try to find a reason for all the  time you gave yourself to me, and trusted me with your heart.And wonder why we never committed to a real future together.

But most of all i hope that you miss me, the way i missed you almost every minute, even before you were gone - impatient to see you again and be held, to hug and kiss you, and talk..yes, just talk...and believe that life was somehow ok because i had you in mine, and that you loved me.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Endless River Of Change

So, the other days' revelation led me to changing some of the dynamics in our relationship and it did NOT go over well. I decided i was "taking back" my own time that i had spent every evening preparing meals and doing housework, while he was out running around till whenever...i decided to use the time i usally spent doing that 630 - 9p( aproximately) to relax and listen to music and either draw or do needle work before leaving for work at 10pm..last night, he actually got home before 8 pm( around 730) and went upstairs to shower , barely even said hi to me...i was sewing and listening to music, when he went up i put in a mosh album i havent listened to for about 2 years- know he hates mosh , so i never play it..but i was very upset(sad) and i needed not to cry..he was showering so i figured why not..its only a half hr...huge huge argument ensued later online..over & over i was told to get out- and it isnt the first or even 30th time ive been threatened with that..he has always known i was trying to rebuild myself from the financial devastation of my last relationship and the two huge unexpected bills( medical & irs) this past year..so he had that over me, always.

well since i sobered up almost completely , the fog really cleared and i saved up some money , plus paid down a bunch on bills, re did all my budget( a previous post) and i was finally somewhere closer to being ok...now THIS.

i have to find a place , use up what i DID save for rent and a security deposit..and move( a tremendous burden(including getting the help, packing, getting boxes, etc)..i cant afford a moving company. In the mean time im expected to help with the bills where im at until i move which i hope will be by july 11th since thats our monthly rent date. i have no idea what he will do, probably stay for a few months- he can afford it.AAND, its summer so the family/case im at goes away alot about 1 week out of each month plus some saturdays..so, just great.

i keep wondering if i will ever see the end of the tunnel..i worked so freaking hard to be what he wanted and now, i'm being pissed away like some used garbage.He left before i got up again today and didnt even bother to come home tonight before i left so we could discuss anything..i guess that may have been a good thing in a way..Now i leave tomorrow night with my brother for Kentucky and our annual family tribal gathering- i get home sunday night, then im off for the week.i will, of course be looking for appartments.

So thats the straight story-in a nut shell.

Now for the emotional hell.It finally has hit home that he is a very manipulative, self-centered and controlling person..he knows the game so well, he hides it behind a facde of intelligence and skills he picked up from counseling etc while he was in rehab and NA ( when he was a heroin addict many many years ago).he was totally clean for 15 years, now basically just smokes pot. Every single arguement he would tell me what was wrong with me , analyzing me, and telling me how i should be. I bought into it- the guilt and criticism - i beleived it was mostly my fault because i was drinking heavily for about a year after leaving a truly toxic previous relationship.he took advantage of that and made me feel so insecure  that he was able to mold me into what he wanted constantly..the clincher being that everytime he got what he wanted something would change or it wouldnt be good enough.i never truly undertsood until this past week just how really controlling he is and how he has been a habitual liar since his childhood.

i explained above a tiny tidbit of the control issue..and past posts explain the lies and secrecy of his porn addiction...i have kept trying to push past that betrayal and trust him again but the lies and secercy never stopped with so many other things, even down to this week..and this will sound trivial , but it actually took this stupid incident for it to really sink in -how deep this pattern goes.

He played a gig saturday night, leaving at 4pm to play 530-730. At 845 i hadnt heard from him at all i didnt know whether he was getting home before i left or what..So i texted him because i had made dinner( 2 dinners in fact because one was a crock meal that i figured would take 8 hrs and i dont want him to starve)as it turned out the crock was done before he got home at 905pm.( no explaination about why he didnt let me know anything- as usual)Well , he ate the crock meal...the other meal was fish, veggies and some other side..later in the night we started chatting online and i aksed him if he ate the fish..he said no, so i asked him to please pitch it instead of putting it in the fridge over night since it smelled up the fridge when ive done that..plus he never ever eats the leftovers he says he will and then i have to deal with them- either eating them myself or pitching them before they mold..he forgets about them.He started arguing with me that he would eat them the next day but after a few minutes agreed to pitch them..Well, he didnt....instead the next night i find out he deliberately hid them and lied.He even admitted to hiding them, and said it was because he disagreed with me and just said he would pitch them so i wouldnt keep talking about it .

that's when it hit home that he has and always will do whatever it takes to be in control, despite how small and petty it is.I finally confronted him with this, and we have hit rock bottm since then..

I dont know at this point how i will manage, but i do know i have tried every single thing in my power to make tthis work with him at every cost. But i cant anymore..i am just done and am determined to live alone for a very long time.i need some time and space of my own.and to answer only to myself...

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Simplicity..

It still amazes me how little i write here anymore...and how much things change in between. Last post i was just at the tail end of a long period of sobriety..It is now June..3months  later ..ive done well maintaining my sobriety and not over doing any kind of alcohol...i really have had to try to get to this point, and ive had a few moments where i was close to slipping..but i keep myself at one and only one small bottle of wine , once a week...no more.Some weeks none at all.

But thats not really why i decided to write tonight. My relationship , what has been up & down , over & over..just made sense all at once to me and i just have to write it down somewhere..After basiaclly being told by my boyfriend that he feels like i take too much of his time( which is barely anytime at all)  i finally realized what exactly i have been missing .After struggling to be his" perfect woman" in everyway, changing my life, my personality, my freinds, my habits, virtually EVERYTHING and struggling daily --in turmoil over why doesnt he even give me credit or love me any better...i realized;

There are only 2 things he needs/wants for me...
1.sex...
2.and cuddling on the couch...
He needs me for nothing else, and to be his perfect girlfreind i need to just leave him alone except for those two things...wow..what a revelation...and ive been working so hard.Even when i present it to him exactly like that-"so i've been doing all this changing and trying for nothing?"- he just nods his head!!!

well at any rate , as sad as i was to learn that, it was the understanding of what that means for me that has finally freed me. I DONT have to work hard...at anything.I can be who and what i want to be. I no longer have to spend hours making meals for him, trying to stay sober, dressing conservatively ,waiting around for him to come home, obsessivley cleaning , and trying my hardest to look independent or impress him in some way....because none of that matters.

Of course he doesnt want to argue, and doesnt want me having sex with others( except in his fantasies).I guess thats really the only 2 things i gotta remember and deal with...other than that..just forget about him..leave him alone...and provide the 2 things he needs, dont break the other 2 rules...pretty simple.

In light of all that i started to see that i havent been taking care of my own needs at all, especially the little nagging resentments ive been building up..ive hidden them , let them simmer, boiled about them and muttered under my breath till i gave and just accepted them..well..NO MORE:)
i will no longer leave leftovers in the fridge, or even eat them at work unless i truly truly want to...i will buy and eat what i WANT to eat!Additionally, i am just starting to slowly go thru the house and get rid of the annoying little nic nack things and rugs and shit that have been making my cleaning more difficult.Who cares if my rooms are plain....so much easier. And there's gonna be a lot more changes, whether he likes it or not- most likely he wont even notice tho.

so all in all my life just got and is about to get easier and more peaceful, i believe..we will see..things change...namaste!