Thursday, February 4, 2016

Another night of Misery

Frankly, i'd rather be working on my nights of anymore.There"s really no reason to look forward to them anymore.After not speaking to each other since last night before i left for work( and all that was was an explosion right before i left after hours of silence) i get up again today to silence for an hour before another explosion..and again being threatened with having to move out and being told "i hate you" whilst he jumps around like a child( literally- jumping up and down yelling). I said barely anything. I get out of the tub and he is gone.

What kind of a life is this? I have never been with someone who put so many conditions on me. I cant say, do, think , feel, need or want anything from my own brain. It has to be whatever he wants, it's all about him.We cant go out together without a million prerequisites on his end. I cant dress as i like, i cant be around certain friends or invite them, i cant talk about certain subjects with them,we cant give rides, there has to be  a plan (for him to call someone if i am "acting up"..and of course the control factor is that it has to be my brother so that i would be humiliated if i got "out of control").I wouldnt mind him having a Plan..but i know he would call someone in a NY minute if things weren't going his way and make a mess of the whole situation.Therefore, i would be under a microscope all night. Who can  relax and have fun like that? And who wouldnt have a bad attitude going into anything KNOWING they are under all these restrictions?

I will be sitting at home, hopefully alone, tonight. Not drinking or doing anything fun..just housework, cooking, needle work, etc. Then i will likely take a few sleeping pills and get to bed early.Then tomorrow be up early and do all of that again..all day and night..and again sunday until thankfully i can leave the house and go to work. My life is such fun.

I am to the point where i really don't care if he  goes fact i prefer it. At least i don't have to look at him and be around the tension all night.It's sad our relationship has come to this, and that financially i am unable to change it.Unless i am forced- which is a constant threat- it's his way or the highway.

Maybe i can eventually get myself to a space where i can numb all of this out and just go about my days/nights nit being upset or frustrated. Maybe some cosmic cloud will settle over me and i'll be able to meditate my way through it all. Or maybe i can become so self reliant that my time alone and all of his anger will not affect me.I will "be at peace within myself".it's likely the best i can hope for...nothing else has worked.

It's pretty amazing to me that i lived like this with my husband for 10 years( minus the explosive arguments) and was able to get out of it to have happiness for a few years without all the repression. I made lots of friends, had fun, and became less miserable and more productive( at least until things got way out of control with the drinking).All i want now is to be again happy and not depressed everyday.I want to have friends and be able to do things, feel things, say things that are all a part of my real self without always walking on eggshells.

I don't even know who i am anymore and neither do most of the people who got to know me the past few years. I know they wonder what the hell happened to me.I am no longer sociable, outgoing, smiling, and passionate. I am now a dull, depressed, stay at home, boring shell of what i was.

I agree that needed to quit drinking..i and to take some time to get clean and focus on other things. Ive done that. And i have no desire to return to being an out of control drunk. I have proven i can do anything, over and over and over again. The Issue with that becomes an expectation and constant reminders and reprimands on the part of my partner. It's like, now he feels like he has to be in charge of everything , and control it all because i admitted i had a problem. So instead of supporting my changes, i get humiliated by any past issues. News flash: most of those explosions happened because of something my ex or he had done or been doing to me.

I wanted to move past all of the issues, even the ones he created ( like the porn and lying).I put my trust back into him twice. I didnt follow him around or spy or nag or put limitations on him, or conditions about him leaving the house, who he hangs out with, when he will be home or what he does with his time.I don't tell him what he can discuss with his friends, how he can dress, or where he can go.I don't get  those rights or privileges.
It's insane that i am an adult and don't have any freedom like this. And i have no idea what i can or am going to do about any of it.

No comments: