Saturday, February 27, 2016

End of February

Things are still pretty miserable...on thursday night we had his mom for dinner( my suggestion) . She stayed from 615p-930p.I spent my time ( not counting all the dinner prep and serving beforehand) solely concentrating on conversing with his mom politely and then watching him help her with something online for an hour an a half..then i went to bed early since i had to get up and watch my grandson the next day. He, on the other hand , as usual, didnt come to bed until 430 am.
Next morning he gets up at 11 am( before me) because he has to make a deposit he says. I get up at 12 and start getting myself an the house ready.To his knowledge my grandson is coming at 130pm. i tell him no, its at about 2.I reconfirm this at 115pm.So at 145, he gets in the shower and leaves at 5 of.I shake my head, when he tells me he will be about 45 minutes.I mean, WTF..he had all morning and , as usual, he leaves right when he knows my grandson is coming and knowing he will only be here an hour. my grandson was REALLY coming at 230p.i figured he would leave at 130 then and get back on time..but , no. Anyway, he gets back at 3pm.. fortunately my grandson was already here at 230pm and didnt  leave until after 4..BUT..the whole time my bf spends eating and on his laptop not interacting with him at all..as soon as he leaves, my bf goes out again.This time for another hour.

He also knows we are to have my niece overbite tonight who is 12. We are gonna take her out to Mexitaly for dinner and some live music at a place where lots of his friends usually hang out( so this was HIS suggestion). oh, and i forgot- he tried to get out of this also, saying he might have "business" to do around 6or 7 pm...ugh..

Anyway he does actually stay home but again, he spends his entire time on his laptop, not interacting with us at all.At the restaurant he mingles around leaving us to sit and after an hour and a half we want to leave but he insists on staying to hear this "one last song" so we do, go home and again he gets on his laptop ALL night..I decide my niece and i will paint, he doesn't even come out to say hi or make any conversation.Next at 10 or 11 i put in a movie, after about 30 minutes i say" are u gonna watch this with us or what?" He grumbles and puts the laptop away. Then proceeds to fall asleep several times in the first half hour. Mind you its only 1230 when i finally say something.Because on ANY other night he usually stays up till 430/5am, even if i go to bed.I leave him down here with her watching it and after about 40 minutes he comes to bed.I am mostly asleep so i say nothing. He sleeps as far from me as possible...no snuggling, nothing. In fact the whole time my family was here he barely says two words to me or shows any affection at a all. He ate like he doesn't even wanna hold my hand in the car like we usually do.

This morning he gets up before me and guess what? yup i come down, he is on his laptop. I watch what he is doing here  and there.. It's nothing important- just him deleting bunch of "favorites" on his list, then looking at guitars and apartments. He barely speaks to me despite my attempts at casual conversation.And here i am typing this in the other room since when i went in to sit beside him he ignored me. Has he come out to say anything to me? nope.

I just don't know what to do anymore.If i say something he explodes, if i don't he just continues to ignore me and be cold/distant.
I have been a "good little girl" for months now..doing what he has stated he wants in a woman , etc. Ive changed my whole life around.I feel like theres nothing left.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Another night of Misery

Frankly, i'd rather be working on my nights of anymore.There"s really no reason to look forward to them anymore.After not speaking to each other since last night before i left for work( and all that was was an explosion right before i left after hours of silence) i get up again today to silence for an hour before another explosion..and again being threatened with having to move out and being told "i hate you" whilst he jumps around like a child( literally- jumping up and down yelling). I said barely anything. I get out of the tub and he is gone.

What kind of a life is this? I have never been with someone who put so many conditions on me. I cant say, do, think , feel, need or want anything from my own brain. It has to be whatever he wants, it's all about him.We cant go out together without a million prerequisites on his end. I cant dress as i like, i cant be around certain friends or invite them, i cant talk about certain subjects with them,we cant give rides, there has to be  a plan (for him to call someone if i am "acting up"..and of course the control factor is that it has to be my brother so that i would be humiliated if i got "out of control").I wouldnt mind him having a Plan..but i know he would call someone in a NY minute if things weren't going his way and make a mess of the whole situation.Therefore, i would be under a microscope all night. Who can  relax and have fun like that? And who wouldnt have a bad attitude going into anything KNOWING they are under all these restrictions?

I will be sitting at home, hopefully alone, tonight. Not drinking or doing anything fun..just housework, cooking, needle work, etc. Then i will likely take a few sleeping pills and get to bed early.Then tomorrow be up early and do all of that again..all day and night..and again sunday until thankfully i can leave the house and go to work. My life is such fun.

I am to the point where i really don't care if he  goes out..in fact i prefer it. At least i don't have to look at him and be around the tension all night.It's sad our relationship has come to this, and that financially i am unable to change it.Unless i am forced- which is a constant threat- it's his way or the highway.

Maybe i can eventually get myself to a space where i can numb all of this out and just go about my days/nights nit being upset or frustrated. Maybe some cosmic cloud will settle over me and i'll be able to meditate my way through it all. Or maybe i can become so self reliant that my time alone and all of his anger will not affect me.I will "be at peace within myself".it's likely the best i can hope for...nothing else has worked.

It's pretty amazing to me that i lived like this with my husband for 10 years( minus the explosive arguments) and was able to get out of it to have happiness for a few years without all the repression. I made lots of friends, had fun, and became less miserable and more productive( at least until things got way out of control with the drinking).All i want now is to be again happy and not depressed everyday.I want to have friends and be able to do things, feel things, say things that are all a part of my real self without always walking on eggshells.

I don't even know who i am anymore and neither do most of the people who got to know me the past few years. I know they wonder what the hell happened to me.I am no longer sociable, outgoing, smiling, and passionate. I am now a dull, depressed, stay at home, boring shell of what i was.

I agree that needed to quit drinking..i and to take some time to get clean and focus on other things. Ive done that. And i have no desire to return to being an out of control drunk. I have proven i can do anything, over and over and over again. The Issue with that becomes an expectation and constant reminders and reprimands on the part of my partner. It's like, now he feels like he has to be in charge of everything , and control it all because i admitted i had a problem. So instead of supporting my changes, i get humiliated by any past issues. News flash: most of those explosions happened because of something my ex or he had done or been doing to me.

I wanted to move past all of the issues, even the ones he created ( like the porn and lying).I put my trust back into him twice. I didnt follow him around or spy or nag or put limitations on him, or conditions about him leaving the house, who he hangs out with, when he will be home or what he does with his time.I don't tell him what he can discuss with his friends, how he can dress, or where he can go.I don't get  those rights or privileges.
'
It's insane that i am an adult and don't have any freedom like this. And i have no idea what i can or am going to do about any of it.




Exasperation

So tired of the constant disagreements. Three weeks in a row now, the night or day before my day off he starts crap. First it was over me having a small amount of wine at home during a blizzard when we would be snowed in for 3 days. The next week i suggested we go out to a friends we were invited to that he always suggested we go to ( previous post) but he did'nt want to play guitar with someone who would be there( the host).So this week i suggest we do something he's been pushing to do- go to an open mic to play with his friends- which is at a bar(yay). I wanted one of my friends to go along( someone he suggested i invite) so i wouldn't be sitting there alone doing nothing. Well, as he knows , she has no car and would need  a ride. Well, that was the next issue..he did'nt wanna be a "taxi service" for my friends.

So, again i cancelled any plans to actually go anywhere or have any fun on my night off..Again i will sit and stare at the walls. I told him to still go . I'd rather sit home alone than with  him. And i cancelled with my friend again who will probably stop talking to me after this.( I've said no to her about a dozen times this year because of him).I haven't been out since October at this point( and of course there were hassles)..before that it was about 5 months- and again- not fun- just more issues and hassles, its always something)

I have almost no friends already. I have been put on a leash for 2 years now and its getting shorter and shorter..in fact now i even have a muzzle and a choke collar and can only go about 2 feet from the tree without causing a hassle.I have become completely isolated.

The few friends i have left( at least i think i still have them) are so tired of me canceling and complaining  i won't have any before long. And i will in fact become a long lost legend , a myth, invisible..and hopeless.

At this point, i'm just done trying to fight for the things i should have as an independent adult. I stopped talking to him tonight.My plan is just to continue saving my money , and paying off some bills so that someday i can get my own place and finally be able to do what i want without answering to someone else..I'm sick of relationships.I want to finally make my own choices.