Sunday, January 10, 2016

One day at a time

today is really difficult day for me..i woke up way too early( as usual on my work nights) and had nothing i really needed or wanted to i puttered around the house , scrolled through Facebook and dwelled on my internal morbidity for a few hours . Then decided i wanted to start painting again.

Now , first of all this is a difficult decision because I'm over 60 days into my sobriety and painting has always been one of my triggers..So there's THAT. I really , really wanna drink while i paint.Secondly there is the issue of where.I used to have an area in the kitchen..( i paint on the patio when its warm and thats awesome but winters suck)..but i took it down when  i started the quest to stop drinking.I liked for a while that it opened up space for my grandson to play when he came over and i didn't have to put everything way frantically prior to his arrivals.So i moved everything back to the art area in the basement..its an average room and very adequate EXCEPT theres no ventilation, and i would have to take a cd player and air purifier down and thats very limiting in many ways.

I was so frustrated by the time my bf got up( 4 hrs later) that we almost got into an argument. Finally , we decided to set everything back up in the kitchen area..i'm still waiting for him to bring up the carpet and my cart.

Over all I'm just so disheartened that i am caught between wanting to drink and not wanting to.I am having a very bad day. On one hand i want and NEED desperately to reclaim a piece of myself that has been in seclusion for so long- the artist me. Ive been substituting with embroidery and buckskin scraping and cooking and household tasking projects(organizing and cleaning).Its been a sad and weak distraction. But it sufficed to get me through the first months. Now I'm bored, depressed and frustrated.

Part 2

It's set up.I feel a little better. I ate dinner and pondered that even though i no longer ave the urge to start painting tonite( i have to go to work) it is ready to go another day. I really hate days when i get all uptight like this..yet i know it's just an on going struggle.Having projects I'm passionate about helps me through some of the tough times..It's just so hard to turn off my own mind.

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