Thursday, January 28, 2016

In the past, there is a Past

And the arguing continues...maybe i am wrong...but i need to vent anyway...all i had planned ( again ) on my night off was to stay home, do housework, cook and watch movies tonight. i was fine with that..

last night we get into an argument over a post about a blow up mattress for a car.I stated ( after a few minutes of joking, lighthearted conversation) that i wouldnt trust any man who was on the road over nights all the time with one of those, but more importantly i would never chose to be with someone who was out on the road over nights all the time..(too many temptations)  WELL, that started a whole issue about my insecurities and trust issues. Mind you, not that i have ANY reason at all not to trust..espcially him, and especially in light of our history.I didnt say that least not until i was being accused over & over of having too many insecurities.

to me, its like, he doesn't acknowledge what he did to lose my trust..many many times...most recently( a few days ago) i found out he had watched a soft porn video on you tube back in december- well at LEAST one..there was a whole thread of sub videos.I didnt even say anything for days...i wanted to process it. Of course when i calmly confronted him the backlash was awful.Denial. Accusations. Even though the proof was right in front of both of us, he denies still watching it.Whatever.

The only reason i asked him was to see if he would admit it truthfully and move on. I also wanted to know why in Alllll of his activities , he keeps choosing to watch black and spanish women most consistently...i mean why would he pick me if he wants a dark skinned chick with dark hair, bigger boobs, taller and younger than me- this is his normal, most consistent choice. So of course i have cause to wonder or question it.

I would question it if it were asian woman, or men, or redheads, or fat women...i Why would a man chose to be with someone totally the opposite of what his deepest sexual desires were?

In addition, why would he chose to watch women who are always with more than one man, or getting gang banged if he wants nothing to do with that in his own relationship?Even though its been offered and I've been completely open minded about it?

Its like some big secret taboo thing that he gets all excited about getting away with.And he cant get aroused with any intensity without it..Just wants plain old boring sex.In fact , yesterday morning i hinted around about having sex before we went to sleep..this time, he didnt reject me but guess what? He climbs on top..fucks me for 3 minutes, cums and then rolls over.I barely knew what to say..But i said "i hope you don't mind if i finish myself" He says no, go ahead..and lays there half asleep not even touching me..i finish in about 8 minutes..he then snuggles up next to me to go to sleep..

Its as if he has no interest, no clue about what he just made me feel like.Ive never done that to him..gotten off and not cared at all if he was satisfied or not and told him go ahead and finish yourself....again...WTH.

Anyway, thats not even why I'm so pissed tonight..just a recent as i said ihad planned on a nice relaxing non alcohol related evening at home doing pretty much nothing, but happy just to spend time together . Then we got into the whole argument last when i get home he is sleeping in the guest room.I woke up..we tried to work it out.

I get an invite for us to go to a friends house..and again he starts up about how he doesn't wanna go because he doesn't enjoy playing guitar with that person.And then starts about how bad a person i am when i drink.And stuff that happened two years ago, and not accepting  responsibility for his part in making me snap.

All I've wanted to do was move forward and find some sense of balance, peace and happiness..But its impossible when he lives in the past. I am like a rat in a cage. I cant have friends, or leave the house. I cant relax if i drink because he starts all kinds of BS about it prior to me even "thinking" about it that sets us up for failure . I mean, who wants to try to relax and have fun when you know you are being watched and scrutinized the whole time, every time..and that shit started from the beginning with him..way before any freak outs on my part. I was always being judged and told what i was doing was wrong or what i did was wrong.I suddenly could have no friends, never go out, nor express any "feelings' that were uncomfortable for him to hear.I no longer know who i even am. Im certain that i was once someone else. But what have i become?A puppet.. A molded creation of what he daily changes his mind that he wants me to be. i never know from one week or month to the next- its all at his whim based on his current feelings.

So now, i sit here, again..on my might off after working a full time night shift schedule all week being unable to relax or enjoy my evening.Its been full of arguing, threats, and accusations...And i still haven't had a drink...But i'd bet my life i'll be doing the same thing I've done for 3 months, even if e stop arguing...sitting here staring at the walls, drinking water and tea, while watching him get high all night and do whatever the hell he wants with his time..and thats after he gets back from running around seeing his friends and shopping for whatever comforts he will need for the evening...things i cant even think about doing much less afford to this house ....again and again and again..feeling miserable and judged.Feeling the unfairness of it all.
The only things  i am allowed to do( at least this month) are housework, cooking, needlework, watch movies and smoke cigarettes .Theres got to be a better way.

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