Thursday, January 28, 2016

In the past, there is a Past

And the arguing continues...maybe i am wrong...but i need to vent anyway...all i had planned ( again ) on my night off was to stay home, do housework, cook and watch movies tonight. i was fine with that..

last night we get into an argument over a post about a blow up mattress for a car.I stated ( after a few minutes of joking, lighthearted conversation) that i wouldnt trust any man who was on the road over nights all the time with one of those, but more importantly i would never chose to be with someone who was out on the road over nights all the time..(too many temptations)  WELL, that started a whole issue about my insecurities and trust issues. Mind you, not that i have ANY reason at all not to trust..espcially him, and especially in light of our history.I didnt say that least not until i was being accused over & over of having too many insecurities.

to me, its like, he doesn't acknowledge what he did to lose my trust..many many times...most recently( a few days ago) i found out he had watched a soft porn video on you tube back in december- well at LEAST one..there was a whole thread of sub videos.I didnt even say anything for days...i wanted to process it. Of course when i calmly confronted him the backlash was awful.Denial. Accusations. Even though the proof was right in front of both of us, he denies still watching it.Whatever.

The only reason i asked him was to see if he would admit it truthfully and move on. I also wanted to know why in Alllll of his activities , he keeps choosing to watch black and spanish women most consistently...i mean why would he pick me if he wants a dark skinned chick with dark hair, bigger boobs, taller and younger than me- this is his normal, most consistent choice. So of course i have cause to wonder or question it.

I would question it if it were asian woman, or men, or redheads, or fat women...i Why would a man chose to be with someone totally the opposite of what his deepest sexual desires were?

In addition, why would he chose to watch women who are always with more than one man, or getting gang banged if he wants nothing to do with that in his own relationship?Even though its been offered and I've been completely open minded about it?

Its like some big secret taboo thing that he gets all excited about getting away with.And he cant get aroused with any intensity without it..Just wants plain old boring sex.In fact , yesterday morning i hinted around about having sex before we went to sleep..this time, he didnt reject me but guess what? He climbs on top..fucks me for 3 minutes, cums and then rolls over.I barely knew what to say..But i said "i hope you don't mind if i finish myself" He says no, go ahead..and lays there half asleep not even touching me..i finish in about 8 minutes..he then snuggles up next to me to go to sleep..

Its as if he has no interest, no clue about what he just made me feel like.Ive never done that to him..gotten off and not cared at all if he was satisfied or not and told him go ahead and finish yourself....again...WTH.

Anyway, thats not even why I'm so pissed tonight..just a recent as i said ihad planned on a nice relaxing non alcohol related evening at home doing pretty much nothing, but happy just to spend time together . Then we got into the whole argument last when i get home he is sleeping in the guest room.I woke up..we tried to work it out.

I get an invite for us to go to a friends house..and again he starts up about how he doesn't wanna go because he doesn't enjoy playing guitar with that person.And then starts about how bad a person i am when i drink.And stuff that happened two years ago, and not accepting  responsibility for his part in making me snap.

All I've wanted to do was move forward and find some sense of balance, peace and happiness..But its impossible when he lives in the past. I am like a rat in a cage. I cant have friends, or leave the house. I cant relax if i drink because he starts all kinds of BS about it prior to me even "thinking" about it that sets us up for failure . I mean, who wants to try to relax and have fun when you know you are being watched and scrutinized the whole time, every time..and that shit started from the beginning with him..way before any freak outs on my part. I was always being judged and told what i was doing was wrong or what i did was wrong.I suddenly could have no friends, never go out, nor express any "feelings' that were uncomfortable for him to hear.I no longer know who i even am. Im certain that i was once someone else. But what have i become?A puppet.. A molded creation of what he daily changes his mind that he wants me to be. i never know from one week or month to the next- its all at his whim based on his current feelings.

So now, i sit here, again..on my might off after working a full time night shift schedule all week being unable to relax or enjoy my evening.Its been full of arguing, threats, and accusations...And i still haven't had a drink...But i'd bet my life i'll be doing the same thing I've done for 3 months, even if e stop arguing...sitting here staring at the walls, drinking water and tea, while watching him get high all night and do whatever the hell he wants with his time..and thats after he gets back from running around seeing his friends and shopping for whatever comforts he will need for the evening...things i cant even think about doing much less afford to this house ....again and again and again..feeling miserable and judged.Feeling the unfairness of it all.
The only things  i am allowed to do( at least this month) are housework, cooking, needlework, watch movies and smoke cigarettes .Theres got to be a better way.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Sometime last week

I currently have this blog closed to the public and all others must be invited by email, including my boyfriend. I had even him blocked until last week sometime since he asked to be added..unfortunately, even though i had deleted two of my previous posts, we got into an argument and i removed him again.
Now I've had this blog for about 2007- thats 9 years or's basically been my diary/journal...somewhere i can vent whenever and however i want.His issue was that he felt it was rude of me to "publicly" humiliate him or talk about any issues with our intimate life..I ask anyone this...what the hell is the point of having somewhere to let off steam , if its going to be edited and monitored by someone else? How is that a personal diary? And didnt us girls share our diaries with whom we liked when we were "that age"?

I do understand the need to not feel as though others are hearing negative stuff about ourselves.But i will bring this to the table in our current situation. I speak about of private life, including sex , to hardly anyone, ever. Not my mom, my daughter, my one. I pretty much keep things to myself..It is here that i have vented over the months and years..However, constantly and  frequently our intimate life, including sex, shared feelings and arguments we have had , are being shared with many of HIS friends...i never know about this until its been done..and sometimes months down the road, it will come out- usually accidentally...

So again, i ask this fair of him to ask that i do not say anything negative about him in this format?

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Sleepy Time

Today i finally slept- but i and to take double my sleeping pill so now i feel hungover( the old one- the new one actually KEPT me awake). The doctor prescribed another hypnotic yesterday but its $330..i cant afford it is back to the drawing board.

One theory i have is that with all the detoxing I've been doing for two months, my body is now way more "awake" which makes it difficult to sleep..I am hoping that if this is the answer that eventually my body will balance out . I have quit drinking( today is 67 days!) and quit caffeine( weaned off over a period of two months) Now i only drink 1-2 cups of decaf each day. Next goal with that is NO decaf- since there is a tiny amount of caffeine even in decaf.

Also- all the supplements I've been taking- Curcumin, B-50, B-12, Glucosamine, Chlorophyll, Bee pollen, Kefir, vinegar,etc have to be having an effect. I have started eating a lot better as well- fresher foods, less processed, and more water. Almost all of my "meds" are natural remedies- like arnica, willow bark and valerian.

Im trying to weed out anything that isn't working, and anything i may be allergic to.Next i will be trying a candida cleanse.

Anyway, just an update as to where i am at health-wise. Still trying, Still praying.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

One day at a time

today is really difficult day for me..i woke up way too early( as usual on my work nights) and had nothing i really needed or wanted to i puttered around the house , scrolled through Facebook and dwelled on my internal morbidity for a few hours . Then decided i wanted to start painting again.

Now , first of all this is a difficult decision because I'm over 60 days into my sobriety and painting has always been one of my triggers..So there's THAT. I really , really wanna drink while i paint.Secondly there is the issue of where.I used to have an area in the kitchen..( i paint on the patio when its warm and thats awesome but winters suck)..but i took it down when  i started the quest to stop drinking.I liked for a while that it opened up space for my grandson to play when he came over and i didn't have to put everything way frantically prior to his arrivals.So i moved everything back to the art area in the basement..its an average room and very adequate EXCEPT theres no ventilation, and i would have to take a cd player and air purifier down and thats very limiting in many ways.

I was so frustrated by the time my bf got up( 4 hrs later) that we almost got into an argument. Finally , we decided to set everything back up in the kitchen area..i'm still waiting for him to bring up the carpet and my cart.

Over all I'm just so disheartened that i am caught between wanting to drink and not wanting to.I am having a very bad day. On one hand i want and NEED desperately to reclaim a piece of myself that has been in seclusion for so long- the artist me. Ive been substituting with embroidery and buckskin scraping and cooking and household tasking projects(organizing and cleaning).Its been a sad and weak distraction. But it sufficed to get me through the first months. Now I'm bored, depressed and frustrated.

Part 2

It's set up.I feel a little better. I ate dinner and pondered that even though i no longer ave the urge to start painting tonite( i have to go to work) it is ready to go another day. I really hate days when i get all uptight like this..yet i know it's just an on going struggle.Having projects I'm passionate about helps me through some of the tough times..It's just so hard to turn off my own mind.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

What a girl wants, What a girls needs

Before i get into my own version i'd like to include THIS link , which(although written from a man's perspective) is very good and to the point on a few things most guys never consider.

Now here's my assertion:

A lot of women will state specific things they want in a man: a sense of humor, good hygiene, stability and security,honesty and appreciation. And all that is fine and good.Most men will attempt to comprise a list which usually includes: being good in bed, good looks, having a job, treating her with respect, listening to her, etc. Again..these are all fine and good in and of themselves. But i'd like to present it in a different light.

Think of a tree.

A tree is not grown from the branches down. It starts with a seed.It grows in a steady and sure manner , eventually becoming a small sapling. Later it becomes a trunk and the branches become thicker, more durable, stronger..and eventually even grow the beautiful foliage of its species.

No one desires  tree with soft rotting spots, or barren branches, or one that contains an infestation.No one usually desires a fake tree over a real one( there are exceptions of course). And no one wants an invasive species that takes away from something they love and cherish- whether its a view, a garden, a healthy home, or a place/time to relax.

On the other hand, no one usually wants a tree thats too much maintenance either.(I can assume at this point you see where i'm going with this.) Growing anything takes time, perseverance and a passion to what you're doing.It takes commitment, enduring the pain, the disappointment, seeing things from a timeline standpoint rather than immediate satisfaction.But it also encompasses feelings of joy and and self validation.

So how do you become that tree? It starts with knowing your own self worth and then understanding someone else's.In the beginning a seed seems to have very little value.Think about that.Think then about the value of a strong, mature, and faithful tree.

Many relationships i have had, and many that i see fail ultimately because most want immediate satisfaction, ongoing and continuous elations, and constant rewards.This thinking leads to easy disappointments and a search for something new and different that "might" be the answer.We want no struggles, no down time, no boredom, no insecurities, and no deep thinking.It should just "happen"..if its "meant to be", right? WRONG!

Does a tree grow without any of these things that we perceive as negative out comes and unwanted energy? No. Trees fail to grow with a lack of care. And care is a very complex thing.

So, what does a girl want? She wants a man complex enough to understand her own complexities. She wants loyalty. She wants to know she will be the most important thing in your world,in spite of the difficulties.And the only way to be that for her starts with knowing and loving yourself.

It's not enough to feel like you "love " her...or to provide for her, or be there for her..or any of those lesser qualities. They don't stand the test of time and have a lot less value.Loving yourself isn't easy, some don't even realize their difficulties stem from a lack of deep self love.

Oddly enough..a tree grows from a seed into a majestic and powerful thing , but only through years and years many ups and downs.

And i haven't even begun to talk about the roots.