Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Life Update..

So, let me catch up the reader about the last few tumultuous months of my life.After my last post in June i did actually move out and became a single woman. I moved into a 2 room finished basement area with a bathroom in a friends house. Rent included everything as well as internet so it was a pretty good deal, and 15 minutes closer to work.I did have to adjust to sharing the laundry, doing dishes in my shower and going upstairs /outside to smoke.But i did. All was well until about 2 weeks into it and then the wife decided she was leaving the husband( my friend from high school). It became a nightmare..All i ever heard about was thier problems ,when i had my own fresh little shit world of emotions to deal with. I could barely sneak in and out of the house without being cornered.This stayed the same for the first 3 months.Also there was an issue of a certain bark happy pug who kept me awake for hours on end when i needed to sleep in the morning.The last month or so , my roomie and i barely spoke at all.

Anyway,my ex and i argued constantly. Our problems would ebb and then suddenly blow up. Additionally, very good freind of mine moved into the area..about 1/4 mile away to be exact. We began as freinds, then turned into lovers. By the end of september or so i had ceased going back to my ex and was basically just spending time with this new one. We had agreed on many occasions to be in a non-commited, uncomplicated , no "bullshit"relationship of sorts .And all was going well until the dude, without warning, did a 360 on me within a week and a half's time at the end of November, becoming possessive, jealous, and constantly brooding.After a few arguments we agreed to start over and just being friends for awhile . We also discussed that i still had feelings for my ex. He appeared to understand and even expressed the desire to continue to be involved should i decide to again sleep with my ex.It did not go over well, however,when i  did actually sleep with my ex. The dude BLEW UP and became an insane night mare for the next week- i was so totally taken aback and shocked that i had never seen this side of him and never suspected its existance.

On top of this night mare , i was told by the roommate that we all had 2 -4 weeks to vacate because his estranged wife wasn't paying her half of stuff and he couldn't afford to keep the place..So i had to hustle and stress and get into debt to find a place, basically all by myself, and move in 2 weeks.It totally wiped out all of the hard earned financial work i had just done to recover since June after that fiasco of moving .It cost me over $3800 this time including the movers -who took 12 hours.I had only one person  actually helping personally with anything and that was my ex, because , at the worst and most stressful time in my life as of recent years, the new  guy ,who had promised me eternal  support and love in spite of anything that might happen(us being "best freinds" and all), did a nose dive into being the biggest jerk out of anyone i have ever dated.Not only did he not lift a finger to help, he insisted on harrassing me by text every other day and making me miserable and heart broken. i wont go further into the details of his mania.But I learned a huge lesson.

At this point i have just moved into my new home . Its in the city and very spacious. I have a roach infestation that is being taken care of , and a few fixture issues, but over all a wonderful place. The neighbors are lovely and very quiet. I'm all unpacked and decorated and am trying to settle into a routine. My ex is continuing to help me out and i am ever grateful.

HOWEVER>>

My biggest fear now is that he will ignore my constant reminders that i am NOT committing to him or any relationship for a very long time. I have insisted he understand this over and over and even offered to tattoo it to my forehead. But alas, i know men..they never believe you and start thinking they own you and your time.So i'm just waiting for the inevitable..and the ensuing storm. I pray every time that it doesn't happen but they always get too attached ,and then the control issues and jealousy rear their ugly heads. I swear, i don't know WTF to do about this.I have been standing firm on it ,but its extremely stressful and seems to always hurt anyone involved...no matter what they say in the beginning.

So anyway..i'm going be focusing on my budget , my art and my friends and family for a while.Trying to find myself again , make some goals and changes in my life. I am finally alone, and its about time. Namaste.



Tuesday, June 21, 2016

And You're so Vain...

Dear Sir,

I hope when i am finally gone you miss me like hell...all the little things about me , every touch, every moment of laughter.I hope you sit in sadness and depression for hours, staring at walls unable to move like i do almost every day.I hope that when u cook a meal, watch a movie, drive past some special spot, smell a familiar smell , see a picture,or even get groceries- it reminds you- and u get that knot in the pit of your stomache.

I hope when u wake up several times during the night my face comes to your mind and when u reach over i'm not there. And then you remember what it felt like to hold me , and be touched lovingly by me.I hope when you wake up your heart immediately jumps into your throat and stays there all day long as you try to go through the motions somehow.

I hope you hear my voice everywhere, remember words we spoke, and plans we made.I pray you thank god every chance you get for even the brief time we shared together, and ask him to please please fix things.

I hope that while i'm still there you cant stand to hear me talk and you cant stand me being silent, and that you don't even know what to say because you are afraid your eyes will fill with tears and nothing will come out- but that you somehow you manage to say a few neutral words- hoping to sound normal.

I hope that every time we have sex and everytime we dont, you question yourself about why the things happened the way they did, and you try to find a reason for all the  time you gave yourself to me, and trusted me with your heart.And wonder why we never committed to a real future together.

But most of all i hope that you miss me, the way i missed you almost every minute, even before you were gone - impatient to see you again and be held, to hug and kiss you, and talk..yes, just talk...and believe that life was somehow ok because i had you in mine, and that you loved me.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Endless River Of Change

So, the other days' revelation led me to changing some of the dynamics in our relationship and it did NOT go over well. I decided i was "taking back" my own time that i had spent every evening preparing meals and doing housework, while he was out running around till whenever...i decided to use the time i usally spent doing that 630 - 9p( aproximately) to relax and listen to music and either draw or do needle work before leaving for work at 10pm..last night, he actually got home before 8 pm( around 730) and went upstairs to shower , barely even said hi to me...i was sewing and listening to music, when he went up i put in a mosh album i havent listened to for about 2 years- know he hates mosh , so i never play it..but i was very upset(sad) and i needed not to cry..he was showering so i figured why not..its only a half hr...huge huge argument ensued later online..over & over i was told to get out- and it isnt the first or even 30th time ive been threatened with that..he has always known i was trying to rebuild myself from the financial devastation of my last relationship and the two huge unexpected bills( medical & irs) this past year..so he had that over me, always.

well since i sobered up almost completely , the fog really cleared and i saved up some money , plus paid down a bunch on bills, re did all my budget( a previous post) and i was finally somewhere closer to being ok...now THIS.

i have to find a place , use up what i DID save for rent and a security deposit..and move( a tremendous burden(including getting the help, packing, getting boxes, etc)..i cant afford a moving company. In the mean time im expected to help with the bills where im at until i move which i hope will be by july 11th since thats our monthly rent date. i have no idea what he will do, probably stay for a few months- he can afford it.AAND, its summer so the family/case im at goes away alot about 1 week out of each month plus some saturdays..so, just great.

i keep wondering if i will ever see the end of the tunnel..i worked so freaking hard to be what he wanted and now, i'm being pissed away like some used garbage.He left before i got up again today and didnt even bother to come home tonight before i left so we could discuss anything..i guess that may have been a good thing in a way..Now i leave tomorrow night with my brother for Kentucky and our annual family tribal gathering- i get home sunday night, then im off for the week.i will, of course be looking for appartments.

So thats the straight story-in a nut shell.

Now for the emotional hell.It finally has hit home that he is a very manipulative, self-centered and controlling person..he knows the game so well, he hides it behind a facde of intelligence and skills he picked up from counseling etc while he was in rehab and NA ( when he was a heroin addict many many years ago).he was totally clean for 15 years, now basically just smokes pot. Every single arguement he would tell me what was wrong with me , analyzing me, and telling me how i should be. I bought into it- the guilt and criticism - i beleived it was mostly my fault because i was drinking heavily for about a year after leaving a truly toxic previous relationship.he took advantage of that and made me feel so insecure  that he was able to mold me into what he wanted constantly..the clincher being that everytime he got what he wanted something would change or it wouldnt be good enough.i never truly undertsood until this past week just how really controlling he is and how he has been a habitual liar since his childhood.

i explained above a tiny tidbit of the control issue..and past posts explain the lies and secrecy of his porn addiction...i have kept trying to push past that betrayal and trust him again but the lies and secercy never stopped with so many other things, even down to this week..and this will sound trivial , but it actually took this stupid incident for it to really sink in -how deep this pattern goes.

He played a gig saturday night, leaving at 4pm to play 530-730. At 845 i hadnt heard from him at all i didnt know whether he was getting home before i left or what..So i texted him because i had made dinner( 2 dinners in fact because one was a crock meal that i figured would take 8 hrs and i dont want him to starve)as it turned out the crock was done before he got home at 905pm.( no explaination about why he didnt let me know anything- as usual)Well , he ate the crock meal...the other meal was fish, veggies and some other side..later in the night we started chatting online and i aksed him if he ate the fish..he said no, so i asked him to please pitch it instead of putting it in the fridge over night since it smelled up the fridge when ive done that..plus he never ever eats the leftovers he says he will and then i have to deal with them- either eating them myself or pitching them before they mold..he forgets about them.He started arguing with me that he would eat them the next day but after a few minutes agreed to pitch them..Well, he didnt....instead the next night i find out he deliberately hid them and lied.He even admitted to hiding them, and said it was because he disagreed with me and just said he would pitch them so i wouldnt keep talking about it .

that's when it hit home that he has and always will do whatever it takes to be in control, despite how small and petty it is.I finally confronted him with this, and we have hit rock bottm since then..

I dont know at this point how i will manage, but i do know i have tried every single thing in my power to make tthis work with him at every cost. But i cant anymore..i am just done and am determined to live alone for a very long time.i need some time and space of my own.and to answer only to myself...

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Simplicity..

It still amazes me how little i write here anymore...and how much things change in between. Last post i was just at the tail end of a long period of sobriety..It is now June..3months  later ..ive done well maintaining my sobriety and not over doing any kind of alcohol...i really have had to try to get to this point, and ive had a few moments where i was close to slipping..but i keep myself at one and only one small bottle of wine , once a week...no more.Some weeks none at all.

But thats not really why i decided to write tonight. My relationship , what has been up & down , over & over..just made sense all at once to me and i just have to write it down somewhere..After basiaclly being told by my boyfriend that he feels like i take too much of his time( which is barely anytime at all)  i finally realized what exactly i have been missing .After struggling to be his" perfect woman" in everyway, changing my life, my personality, my freinds, my habits, virtually EVERYTHING and struggling daily --in turmoil over why doesnt he even give me credit or love me any better...i realized;

There are only 2 things he needs/wants for me...
1.sex...
2.and cuddling on the couch...
He needs me for nothing else, and to be his perfect girlfreind i need to just leave him alone except for those two things...wow..what a revelation...and ive been working so hard.Even when i present it to him exactly like that-"so i've been doing all this changing and trying for nothing?"- he just nods his head!!!

well at any rate , as sad as i was to learn that, it was the understanding of what that means for me that has finally freed me. I DONT have to work hard...at anything.I can be who and what i want to be. I no longer have to spend hours making meals for him, trying to stay sober, dressing conservatively ,waiting around for him to come home, obsessivley cleaning , and trying my hardest to look independent or impress him in some way....because none of that matters.

Of course he doesnt want to argue, and doesnt want me having sex with others( except in his fantasies).I guess thats really the only 2 things i gotta remember and deal with...other than that..just forget about him..leave him alone...and provide the 2 things he needs, dont break the other 2 rules...pretty simple.

In light of all that i started to see that i havent been taking care of my own needs at all, especially the little nagging resentments ive been building up..ive hidden them , let them simmer, boiled about them and muttered under my breath till i gave and just accepted them..well..NO MORE:)
i will no longer leave leftovers in the fridge, or even eat them at work unless i truly truly want to...i will buy and eat what i WANT to eat!Additionally, i am just starting to slowly go thru the house and get rid of the annoying little nic nack things and rugs and shit that have been making my cleaning more difficult.Who cares if my rooms are plain....so much easier. And there's gonna be a lot more changes, whether he likes it or not- most likely he wont even notice tho.

so all in all my life just got and is about to get easier and more peaceful, i believe..we will see..things change...namaste!

Saturday, February 27, 2016

End of February

Things are still pretty miserable...on thursday night we had his mom for dinner( my suggestion) . She stayed from 615p-930p.I spent my time ( not counting all the dinner prep and serving beforehand) solely concentrating on conversing with his mom politely and then watching him help her with something online for an hour an a half..then i went to bed early since i had to get up and watch my grandson the next day. He, on the other hand , as usual, didnt come to bed until 430 am.
Next morning he gets up at 11 am( before me) because he has to make a deposit he says. I get up at 12 and start getting myself an the house ready.To his knowledge my grandson is coming at 130pm. i tell him no, its at about 2.I reconfirm this at 115pm.So at 145, he gets in the shower and leaves at 5 of.I shake my head, when he tells me he will be about 45 minutes.I mean, WTF..he had all morning and , as usual, he leaves right when he knows my grandson is coming and knowing he will only be here an hour. my grandson was REALLY coming at 230p.i figured he would leave at 130 then and get back on time..but , no. Anyway, he gets back at 3pm.. fortunately my grandson was already here at 230pm and didnt  leave until after 4..BUT..the whole time my bf spends eating and on his laptop not interacting with him at all..as soon as he leaves, my bf goes out again.This time for another hour.

He also knows we are to have my niece overbite tonight who is 12. We are gonna take her out to Mexitaly for dinner and some live music at a place where lots of his friends usually hang out( so this was HIS suggestion). oh, and i forgot- he tried to get out of this also, saying he might have "business" to do around 6or 7 pm...ugh..

Anyway he does actually stay home but again, he spends his entire time on his laptop, not interacting with us at all.At the restaurant he mingles around leaving us to sit and after an hour and a half we want to leave but he insists on staying to hear this "one last song" so we do, go home and again he gets on his laptop ALL night..I decide my niece and i will paint, he doesn't even come out to say hi or make any conversation.Next at 10 or 11 i put in a movie, after about 30 minutes i say" are u gonna watch this with us or what?" He grumbles and puts the laptop away. Then proceeds to fall asleep several times in the first half hour. Mind you its only 1230 when i finally say something.Because on ANY other night he usually stays up till 430/5am, even if i go to bed.I leave him down here with her watching it and after about 40 minutes he comes to bed.I am mostly asleep so i say nothing. He sleeps as far from me as possible...no snuggling, nothing. In fact the whole time my family was here he barely says two words to me or shows any affection at a all. He ate like he doesn't even wanna hold my hand in the car like we usually do.

This morning he gets up before me and guess what? yup i come down, he is on his laptop. I watch what he is doing here  and there.. It's nothing important- just him deleting bunch of "favorites" on his list, then looking at guitars and apartments. He barely speaks to me despite my attempts at casual conversation.And here i am typing this in the other room since when i went in to sit beside him he ignored me. Has he come out to say anything to me? nope.

I just don't know what to do anymore.If i say something he explodes, if i don't he just continues to ignore me and be cold/distant.
I have been a "good little girl" for months now..doing what he has stated he wants in a woman , etc. Ive changed my whole life around.I feel like theres nothing left.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Another night of Misery

Frankly, i'd rather be working on my nights of anymore.There"s really no reason to look forward to them anymore.After not speaking to each other since last night before i left for work( and all that was was an explosion right before i left after hours of silence) i get up again today to silence for an hour before another explosion..and again being threatened with having to move out and being told "i hate you" whilst he jumps around like a child( literally- jumping up and down yelling). I said barely anything. I get out of the tub and he is gone.

What kind of a life is this? I have never been with someone who put so many conditions on me. I cant say, do, think , feel, need or want anything from my own brain. It has to be whatever he wants, it's all about him.We cant go out together without a million prerequisites on his end. I cant dress as i like, i cant be around certain friends or invite them, i cant talk about certain subjects with them,we cant give rides, there has to be  a plan (for him to call someone if i am "acting up"..and of course the control factor is that it has to be my brother so that i would be humiliated if i got "out of control").I wouldnt mind him having a Plan..but i know he would call someone in a NY minute if things weren't going his way and make a mess of the whole situation.Therefore, i would be under a microscope all night. Who can  relax and have fun like that? And who wouldnt have a bad attitude going into anything KNOWING they are under all these restrictions?

I will be sitting at home, hopefully alone, tonight. Not drinking or doing anything fun..just housework, cooking, needle work, etc. Then i will likely take a few sleeping pills and get to bed early.Then tomorrow be up early and do all of that again..all day and night..and again sunday until thankfully i can leave the house and go to work. My life is such fun.

I am to the point where i really don't care if he  goes out..in fact i prefer it. At least i don't have to look at him and be around the tension all night.It's sad our relationship has come to this, and that financially i am unable to change it.Unless i am forced- which is a constant threat- it's his way or the highway.

Maybe i can eventually get myself to a space where i can numb all of this out and just go about my days/nights nit being upset or frustrated. Maybe some cosmic cloud will settle over me and i'll be able to meditate my way through it all. Or maybe i can become so self reliant that my time alone and all of his anger will not affect me.I will "be at peace within myself".it's likely the best i can hope for...nothing else has worked.

It's pretty amazing to me that i lived like this with my husband for 10 years( minus the explosive arguments) and was able to get out of it to have happiness for a few years without all the repression. I made lots of friends, had fun, and became less miserable and more productive( at least until things got way out of control with the drinking).All i want now is to be again happy and not depressed everyday.I want to have friends and be able to do things, feel things, say things that are all a part of my real self without always walking on eggshells.

I don't even know who i am anymore and neither do most of the people who got to know me the past few years. I know they wonder what the hell happened to me.I am no longer sociable, outgoing, smiling, and passionate. I am now a dull, depressed, stay at home, boring shell of what i was.

I agree that needed to quit drinking..i and to take some time to get clean and focus on other things. Ive done that. And i have no desire to return to being an out of control drunk. I have proven i can do anything, over and over and over again. The Issue with that becomes an expectation and constant reminders and reprimands on the part of my partner. It's like, now he feels like he has to be in charge of everything , and control it all because i admitted i had a problem. So instead of supporting my changes, i get humiliated by any past issues. News flash: most of those explosions happened because of something my ex or he had done or been doing to me.

I wanted to move past all of the issues, even the ones he created ( like the porn and lying).I put my trust back into him twice. I didnt follow him around or spy or nag or put limitations on him, or conditions about him leaving the house, who he hangs out with, when he will be home or what he does with his time.I don't tell him what he can discuss with his friends, how he can dress, or where he can go.I don't get  those rights or privileges.
'
It's insane that i am an adult and don't have any freedom like this. And i have no idea what i can or am going to do about any of it.




Exasperation

So tired of the constant disagreements. Three weeks in a row now, the night or day before my day off he starts crap. First it was over me having a small amount of wine at home during a blizzard when we would be snowed in for 3 days. The next week i suggested we go out to a friends we were invited to that he always suggested we go to ( previous post) but he did'nt want to play guitar with someone who would be there( the host).So this week i suggest we do something he's been pushing to do- go to an open mic to play with his friends- which is at a bar(yay). I wanted one of my friends to go along( someone he suggested i invite) so i wouldn't be sitting there alone doing nothing. Well, as he knows , she has no car and would need  a ride. Well, that was the next issue..he did'nt wanna be a "taxi service" for my friends.

So, again i cancelled any plans to actually go anywhere or have any fun on my night off..Again i will sit and stare at the walls. I told him to still go . I'd rather sit home alone than with  him. And i cancelled with my friend again who will probably stop talking to me after this.( I've said no to her about a dozen times this year because of him).I haven't been out since October at this point( and of course there were hassles)..before that it was about 5 months- and again- not fun- just more issues and hassles, its always something)

I have almost no friends already. I have been put on a leash for 2 years now and its getting shorter and shorter..in fact now i even have a muzzle and a choke collar and can only go about 2 feet from the tree without causing a hassle.I have become completely isolated.

The few friends i have left( at least i think i still have them) are so tired of me canceling and complaining  i won't have any before long. And i will in fact become a long lost legend , a myth, invisible..and hopeless.

At this point, i'm just done trying to fight for the things i should have as an independent adult. I stopped talking to him tonight.My plan is just to continue saving my money , and paying off some bills so that someday i can get my own place and finally be able to do what i want without answering to someone else..I'm sick of relationships.I want to finally make my own choices.





Thursday, January 28, 2016

In the past, there is a Past

And the arguing continues...maybe i am wrong...but i need to vent anyway...all i had planned ( again ) on my night off was to stay home, do housework, cook and watch movies tonight. i was fine with that..

last night we get into an argument over a post about a blow up mattress for a car.I stated ( after a few minutes of joking, lighthearted conversation) that i wouldnt trust any man who was on the road over nights all the time with one of those, but more importantly i would never chose to be with someone who was out on the road over nights all the time..(too many temptations)  WELL, that started a whole issue about my insecurities and trust issues. Mind you, not that i have ANY reason at all not to trust..espcially him, and especially in light of our history.I didnt say that though...at least not until i was being accused over & over of having too many insecurities.

to me, its like, he doesn't acknowledge what he did to lose my trust..many many times...most recently( a few days ago) i found out he had watched a soft porn video on you tube back in december- well at LEAST one..there was a whole thread of sub videos.I didnt even say anything for days...i wanted to process it. Of course when i calmly confronted him the backlash was awful.Denial. Accusations. Even though the proof was right in front of both of us, he denies still watching it.Whatever.

The only reason i asked him was to se if he would admit it truthfully and move on. I also wanted to know why in Alllll of his activities , he keeps choosing to watch black and spanish women most consistently...i mean why would he pick me if he wants a dark skinned chick with dark hair, bigger boobs, taller and younger than me- this is his normal, most consistent choice. So of course i have cause to wonder or question it.

I would question it if it were asian woman, or men, or redheads, or fat women...i mean..wtf. Why would a man chose to be with someone totally the opposite of what his deepest sexual desires were?

In addition, why would he chose to watch women who are always with more than one man, or getting gang banged if he wants nothing to do with that in his own relationship?Even though its been offered and I've been completely open minded about it?

Its like some big secret taboo thing that he gets all excited about getting away with.And he cant get aroused with any intensity without it..Just wants plain old boring sex.In fact , yesterday morning i hinted around about having sex before we went to sleep..this time, he didnt reject me but guess what? He climbs on top..fucks me for 3 minutes, cums and then rolls over.I barely knew what to say..But i said "i hope you don't mind if i finish myself" He says no, go ahead..and lays there half asleep not even touching me..i finish in about 8 minutes..he then snuggles up next to me to go to sleep..

Its as if he has no interest, no clue about what he just made me feel like.Ive never done that to him..gotten off and not cared at all if he was satisfied or not and told him go ahead and finish yourself....again...WTH.

Anyway, thats not even why I'm so pissed tonight..just a recent background.so as i said ihad planned on a nice relaxing non alcohol related evening at home doing pretty much nothing, but happy just to spend time together . Then we got into the whole argument last night..so when i get home he is sleeping in the guest room.I woke up..we tried to work it out.

I get an invite for us to go to a friends house..and again he starts up about how he doesn't wanna go because he doesn't enjoy playing guitar with that person.And then starts about how bad a person i am when i drink.And stuff that happened two years ago, and not accepting  responsibility for his part in making me snap.

All I've wanted to do was move forward and find some sense of balance, peace and happiness..But its impossible when he lives in the past. I am like a rat in a cage. I cant have friends, or leave the house. I cant relax if i drink because he starts all kinds of BS about it prior to me even "thinking" about it that sets us up for failure . I mean, who wants to try to relax and have fun when you know you are being watched and scrutinized the whole time, every time..and that shit started from the beginning with him..way before any freak outs on my part. I was always being judged and told what i was doing was wrong or what i did was wrong.I suddenly could have no friends, never go out, nor express any "feelings' that were uncomfortable for him to hear.I no longer know who i even am. Im certain that i was once someone else. But what have i become?A puppet.. A molded creation of what he daily changes his mind that he wants me to be. i never know from one week or month to the next- its all at his whim based on his current feelings.

So now, i sit here, again..on my might off after working a full time night shift schedule all week being unable to relax or enjoy my evening.Its been full of arguing, threats, and accusations...And i still haven't had a drink...But i'd bet my life i'll be doing the same thing I've done for 3 months, even if e stop arguing...sitting here staring at the walls, drinking water and tea, while watching him get high all night and do whatever the hell he wants with his time..and thats after he gets back from running around seeing his friends and shopping for whatever comforts he will need for the evening...things i cant even think about doing much less afford to do.Stuck..in this house ....again and again and again..feeling miserable and judged.Feeling the unfairness of it all.
The only things  i am allowed to do( at least this month) are housework, cooking, needlework, watch movies and smoke cigarettes .Theres got to be a better way.


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Sometime last week

I currently have this blog closed to the public and all others must be invited by email, including my boyfriend. I had even him blocked until last week sometime since he asked to be added..unfortunately, even though i had deleted two of my previous posts, we got into an argument and i removed him again.
Now I've had this blog for about 2007- thats 9 years or so...it's basically been my diary/journal...somewhere i can vent whenever and however i want.His issue was that he felt it was rude of me to "publicly" humiliate him or talk about any issues with our intimate life..I ask anyone this...what the hell is the point of having somewhere to let off steam , if its going to be edited and monitored by someone else? How is that a personal diary? And didnt us girls share our diaries with whom we liked when we were "that age"?

I do understand the need to not feel as though others are hearing negative stuff about ourselves.But i will bring this to the table in our current situation. I speak about of private life, including sex , to hardly anyone, ever. Not my mom, my daughter, my BFF....co workers...no one. I pretty much keep things to myself..It is here that i have vented over the months and years..However, constantly and  frequently our intimate life, including sex, shared feelings and arguments we have had , are being shared with many of HIS friends...i never know about this until its been done..and sometimes months down the road, it will come out- usually accidentally...

So again, i ask you..is this fair of him to ask that i do not say anything negative about him in this format?
whatever....

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Sleepy Time

Today i finally slept- but i and to take double my sleeping pill so now i feel hungover( the old one- the new one actually KEPT me awake). The doctor prescribed another hypnotic yesterday but its $330..i cant afford that...so it is back to the drawing board.

One theory i have is that with all the detoxing I've been doing for two months, my body is now way more "awake" which makes it difficult to sleep..I am hoping that if this is the answer that eventually my body will balance out . I have quit drinking( today is 67 days!) and quit caffeine( weaned off over a period of two months) Now i only drink 1-2 cups of decaf each day. Next goal with that is NO decaf- since there is a tiny amount of caffeine even in decaf.

Also- all the supplements I've been taking- Curcumin, B-50, B-12, Glucosamine, Chlorophyll, Bee pollen, Kefir, vinegar,etc have to be having an effect. I have started eating a lot better as well- fresher foods, less processed, and more water. Almost all of my "meds" are natural remedies- like arnica, willow bark and valerian.

Im trying to weed out anything that isn't working, and anything i may be allergic to.Next i will be trying a candida cleanse.

Anyway, just an update as to where i am at health-wise. Still trying, Still praying.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

One day at a time

today is really difficult day for me..i woke up way too early( as usual on my work nights) and had nothing i really needed or wanted to do.....so i puttered around the house , scrolled through Facebook and dwelled on my internal morbidity for a few hours . Then decided i wanted to start painting again.

Now , first of all this is a difficult decision because I'm over 60 days into my sobriety and painting has always been one of my triggers..So there's THAT. I really , really wanna drink while i paint.Secondly there is the issue of where.I used to have an area in the kitchen..( i paint on the patio when its warm and thats awesome but winters suck)..but i took it down when  i started the quest to stop drinking.I liked for a while that it opened up space for my grandson to play when he came over and i didn't have to put everything way frantically prior to his arrivals.So i moved everything back to the art area in the basement..its an average room and very adequate EXCEPT theres no ventilation, and i would have to take a cd player and air purifier down and thats very limiting in many ways.

I was so frustrated by the time my bf got up( 4 hrs later) that we almost got into an argument. Finally , we decided to set everything back up in the kitchen area..i'm still waiting for him to bring up the carpet and my cart.

Over all I'm just so disheartened that i am caught between wanting to drink and not wanting to.I am having a very bad day. On one hand i want and NEED desperately to reclaim a piece of myself that has been in seclusion for so long- the artist me. Ive been substituting with embroidery and buckskin scraping and cooking and household tasking projects(organizing and cleaning).Its been a sad and weak distraction. But it sufficed to get me through the first months. Now I'm bored, depressed and frustrated.


Part 2

It's set up.I feel a little better. I ate dinner and pondered that even though i no longer ave the urge to start painting tonite( i have to go to work) it is ready to go another day. I really hate days when i get all uptight like this..yet i know it's just an on going struggle.Having projects I'm passionate about helps me through some of the tough times..It's just so hard to turn off my own mind.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

What a girl wants, What a girls needs

Before i get into my own version i'd like to include THIS link , which(although written from a man's perspective) is very good and to the point on a few things most guys never consider.

http://www.themodernman.com/what_women_want.html

Now here's my assertion:

A lot of women will state specific things they want in a man: a sense of humor, good hygiene, stability and security,honesty and appreciation. And all that is fine and good.Most men will attempt to comprise a list which usually includes: being good in bed, good looks, having a job, treating her with respect, listening to her, etc. Again..these are all fine and good in and of themselves. But i'd like to present it in a different light.

Think of a tree.


A tree is not grown from the branches down. It starts with a seed.It grows in a steady and sure manner , eventually becoming a small sapling. Later it becomes a trunk and the branches become thicker, more durable, stronger..and eventually even grow the beautiful foliage of its species.

No one desires  tree with soft rotting spots, or barren branches, or one that contains an infestation.No one usually desires a fake tree over a real one( there are exceptions of course). And no one wants an invasive species that takes away from something they love and cherish- whether its a view, a garden, a healthy home, or a place/time to relax.


On the other hand, no one usually wants a tree thats too much maintenance either.(I can assume at this point you see where i'm going with this.) Growing anything takes time, perseverance and a passion to what you're doing.It takes commitment, enduring the pain, the disappointment, seeing things from a timeline standpoint rather than immediate satisfaction.But it also encompasses feelings of joy and elation...security and self validation.

So how do you become that tree? It starts with knowing your own self worth and then understanding someone else's.In the beginning a seed seems to have very little value.Think about that.Think then about the value of a strong, mature, and faithful tree.

Many relationships i have had, and many that i see fail ultimately because most want immediate satisfaction, ongoing and continuous elations, and constant rewards.This thinking leads to easy disappointments and a search for something new and different that "might" be the answer.We want no struggles, no down time, no boredom, no insecurities, and no deep thinking.It should just "happen"..if its "meant to be", right? WRONG!

Does a tree grow without any of these things that we perceive as negative out comes and unwanted energy? No. Trees fail to grow with a lack of care. And care is a very complex thing.

So, what does a girl want? She wants a man complex enough to understand her own complexities. She wants loyalty. She wants to know she will be the most important thing in your world,in spite of the difficulties.And the only way to be that for her starts with knowing and loving yourself.

It's not enough to feel like you "love " her...or to provide for her, or be there for her..or any of those lesser qualities. They don't stand the test of time and have a lot less value.Loving yourself isn't easy, some don't even realize their difficulties stem from a lack of deep self love.

Oddly enough..a tree grows from a seed into a majestic and powerful thing , but only through years and years many ups and downs.

And i haven't even begun to talk about the roots.