Friday, November 13, 2015

Note to self- October 7th-2015

The time has come..i know this..i must never drink again, not even a little.I cannot handle it or process it anymore. I don’t know what happened but my body and mind have changed.i made a huge mistake last night and drank a whole big bottle of wine plus some mixed drinks. i almost made some irreversible decisions and bad choices. I did, in fact, do many really stupid things. They are so painful to remember i don’t want to remember them. But the worst part is , again, i cannot remember half of the night at all. I blacked out.

Right now this is all i can think to do…write. Even after about 15 hours of sleep( disturbed sleep) i feel like crap.And in a few hours we are taking his mom to see a documentary at a theatre. I don't even know how i am going to make it throughout that then go to work as well.I feel like a zombie. My nerves are bad and my head is swimming. 

Thursday night i was having a hard time emotionally when i woke up. Scotts mom had decided not to come to our thanksgiving dinner because she wants to spend the time with her own family.For some reason, this really affected me. (that i found out in the morning before bed..i suppressed my feelings and said nothing to Scott) So when i woke i was already unstable. Then the dark cloud of mistrust over came me. I started dwelling on the porn thing. As i ran a few errands i was able to talk myself into a better place. When i got home i dressed up, fixed my hair and make up and planned on having a great evening . It  was not t be. I started drinking. The last thing i remember is a second game of trivia, then hours went by till i recall anything. The next memory is watching Tv with scott and getting pissed off at him for not making me something to eat. at some point i was upset because i thought we hadn't even had sex, when in fact we had sex twice .I cant remember either time. I do remember dancing. I remember pretending to call the police and report him. I remember calling crisis intervention.i remember looking at the clock and seeing 9;00 and thinking how could it be so light out at 9pm..when in fact it was 9am.i went to bed. Scott woke me about 2 . I was still a wreck, beating myself up for my behavior. i laid back down as he went out to run errands from 5p-730 or so.i couldn't sleep..i was scared and panicking.Even after he finally came up and held me and we slept together until he got up around 12am to come downstairs, i stayed in bed, waking frequently in a panic.I got up briefly at 5am and went back to bed. I got up at 10 am. Scott came down briefly. I told him I'm quitting drinking. He went back to bed and is still up there.

I lost 2 whole days. and i feel like today is gone also.I cant do this anymore. I just cant. there is no returns whatsoever anymore.It’s no longer fun. Theres no fun in it at all. I just drink too much and get out of control and don't remember much. when i do remember things, the reality is so dreadful i don't want to even get out of bed. I couldn't eat.In fact i didn’t eat hardly anything since sometime on thursday ( a small portion of a sandwich , most of which i trashed). about 1030 am today i ate 1/4 of a sub Scott bought for me.

I look back at all the things alcohol has robbed me of. A good marriage, my 401k and savings, a clear mind..and many other things. Oh how i wish i could go back in time and do it all over..what i wouldn’t give to be the person i was before i started drinking.Im sure i’d still have a good life, a stable one, and a clear head. I would've enjoyed my first grandson more. i would've accomplished so much.I would still have all that i had worked so hard for.

Now i have a second grandson.I want to enjoy them both. I want and need to be a better person.Not just for everyone else but for myself as well.In the past 6 weeks i had been making some progress.It was a real struggle..everyday. Trying not to dwell on the porn thing, trying to deal with financial and health frustrations, and dealing with my own mind. Everyday i was journalling even if just a little.I have been trying, and now i feel like i blew it all in one night.Why did i make such a stupid choice? i never should've gotten a big bottle..i cant control myself. I remember looking at that empty bottle last night and thinking how in the world could i have drank it all.And then made some mixed drinks on top of it.What a fool i am.

I am torn right now. I wish could sleep more but i cant, somewhat because i had coffee.I almost don't feel like attending this movie today but what would i do with that time anyway?Probably dwell and beat myself up.I need to get a turkey for thanksgiving today so we can store it in his moms freezer. I also don't feel like going to work, but i know getting out will help..and feeling like i have a purpose. Plus i desperately need the money.

I am so frustrated that i cant contribute financially here anymore.I am working on changing that. working regular 5 shift weeks will help, as well as canceling my gym membership, gallery space and lowering my car payments.additionally , i wont be spending $ on alcohol now.I have other plans.i want to change my cell carrier when the contract is up. i want to put $ in my savings and also pay off the credit card. But i need to figure out how to pay this huge hospital bill and do something about my health not sure what.I just know at least that with a clear mind i can deal with things better.

Part of my frustrations is not being able to tell anyone the whole truth, especially about Scotts business. The other part is trying to get over the porn thing and mistrust.So besides finances, I'm dealing with so much emotionally and don't know where to turn most of the time.I get to be a nightmare, and take it out on Scott. I know he was wrong, but he is trying. I was wrong also.I believe somewhat that this is my karma for hurting Jim.Again, so many thoughts still swirling in my head.

I truly hope this Lexapro helps me with the depression and anxiety. I am not so upset anymore that the doctor didnt give me zanax. Perhaps an SSRI is what i really do need.Ive been depressed all my life, but especially so the past 2 years.I constantly feel miserable and usually don't have any clue as to why.Why cant i just be happy and appreciate all i have?

I should probably try to lay down now again..and part of me thinks writing this was for nothing.I hope not.Maybe a nap will help.

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