Sunday, November 29, 2015

Healthy Anger to Motivate Change

So many things to say today..screaming in my head.Best to write them all down i believe.And be forewarned..this will offend just about do what and think what you will..i'm not afraid of being "unfriended" on Facebook, being gossiped about or not being "included"in things. I'm done being a doormat.My opinion is that it's just too damn scary for some people to take a good hard look at themselves, their environment/community/nation, and their behaviors... and be honest.Disclaimer: i am NOT singling anyone out here or pointing fingers at individuals specifically. I welcome challenges, always up for a good discussion. And think about this- if you are offended, often the root issue is within, not with the other person.

1.First of all , it sickens me that health insurance in our country is such a scam. It feeds the insurance industry, the pharmacies, and the federal government through investments on Wall street.The bottom of the pyramid feeds the top..and when the top gets too top heavy it will tip. You will be crushed under their weight and become collateral damage unless you have built a strong foundation.
2. It makes me angry that deregulation has enabled our county to feed the rich by allowing them to create their own money through debt( the $ isn't even's an illusion they've made us believe).
3.Apathy( the most common ailment in this country) is crippling the masses.No change comes from apathy. Simply sitting around with your head in the sand and stating you just wanna be happy and not angry is exactly what the wealthy count on to become even richer. Complacency( idiocracy) comes from apathy. Real change means healthy anger (not misdirected) and action.I means suffering, pain and sacrifice.If you have kids, think about your future generations, if you don't, maybe you care about animals or the planet. If you care about none of this you are a waste of human life and a huge part of the problem.
4. It starts with the man in the mirror and people helping people. Look at your self- ask honest questions. If you think you're happy at the moment, wait until this vicious cycle hits home. Then be "forced" to re evaluate. P.S.- sitting around in a some esoteric bubble helps no one, and eventually your own bubble will burst- no man is an island unto himself.Inner peace in and of itself is just that-
its all about you...again, a huge part of the problem.It's not a bad thing, but its not the ONLY thing thats important.
5. When i say look in the mirror, i mean make sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and doing nothing to change your circumstances. Eliminate the things you don't need. Stop buying on credit and f*ck your credit score( living on a credit based economy isn't good for anyone). Take the $ u save and pay off whatever debt you can and let the government and corporations take on what you can't- most likely its their fault you have that debt anyway-enabling consumers to buy on credit , tricking/forcing them into health care plans that are scams, etc- let them eventually topple- "starving the troll" in a sense).Take the rest of that $ and save it so you have cash on hand..not sitting somewhere allowing the hierarchy to use it to create more wealth while giving you back nothing or some paltry amount to "placate" you into apathy.I can give a ton of examples here- IRA's,401k's, health insurance premiums, savings accounts mutual funds,credit spending, etc)
6. When i say people helping people, i mean start in your own back yard( literally or figuratively- could mean in your community).And not just "family"- it takes a village as they say. When you help someone, the potential and probability of them helping back is much higher.It may not happen every time, but the ratios won't lie over time.Help people directly, not just through donating ( and this should be done privately- tooting your own horn creates resentment).
7. Stop sitting behind a computer bitching and doing nothing..educate yourself ..theres a wealth of info out and off(libraries, friends, experience).Then use that info to empower yourself and others.Social media is one way, but its not the only way you should be addressing the issues.Anyone with questions about what i personally/specifically have done may feel free to contact me.I'll give u a run down . Wasted space in this format.
8. Don't accept government assistance- chances are you really don't need it- and it keeps them in control.And lines their pockets through false "subsidy " programs where the majority of the $ goes to the higher ups who do very little. These are also partly or mainly funded by the taxpayer. Can you walk and talk and post coherently on Facebook? Can you make it out to social events , go on vacation, do anything physically active?Then you aren't disabled.There's a job for you. You have back pain, anxiety, depression,  feel "suicidal" everyday-  but- welcome to the rest of the world- this doesn't entitle you.I deal with those things daily, and many many do along with other issues. Get help, or help yourself- but not at the expense of the rest of us.
9. Can't work because minimum wage isn't worth it? Do something about that.Again, gather info, work and save,make expenditure changes, lifestyle changes( seriously- while everyone deserves a "little " something for pleasure/sanity-do you really need that cup of Starbucks several times a week?, do you need a ton of resource consuming lights on your house for the holidays?Then don't bitch about the cost of things and your electric bill.).Stop covering up your discomfort by.self medicating.I did this, it doesn't work in the long run.You need to be clear, focused, and in discomfort to be motivated to make changes.Which leads to another issue in this country....
10.Stop just having kids,without thinking about your personal responsibility to provide for them-it's not everyone else obligation to pay for them through taxes, inflation etc..or even the "governments" had them, step up. And/or if you already do- teach them about morals, ethics, work, responsibility, and helping others.Lead by example.Don't promote: race rage,  anger about unfairness while doing nothing but whining or bitching, fear, or  apathy.Stop blaming the police, and learn about why they have become what they have.I guarantee you it's not what you think, and then put yourself in their position.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Day 18- Improvements

Today i woke overjoyed that i had actually gotten 12 hrs of sleep.I still haven't drank and have been slowly slowly getting used to some herbal relaxation. It seems to keep me less agitated and helps me to sleep better, altho i do still take my 50 mgs of trazadone if i wake after only a few hours..but the combination has been good. Additionally i was able to nap well from 815p-915p tonite before work( with no meds or herbals) and i am actually awake and motivated tonight.I even did some extra cleaning and organizing at my case. 

My back still hurts but didnt really start until after 7 tonight. I watched Jonah from 3p-730p and actually had ENERGY to play well with him the whole time! Awesome! good things this week.I am still so glad i quit drinking.Have had no temptations or  wrestlings with my conscience about it..even on the 3 thursday nights off so far:)

I got another  doctor bill on thursday for a regular dr. visit..another $115..that was the final straw..i paid out $2470 for medical / hospital insurance plus dental, vision this past covered almost nothing at i am in the hole for an extra 5,000 in medical bills on top of it. Because it was through my employer and not the marketplace, i won't even get a tax credit. I may even get a penalty because a letter was sent at one point stating my insurance does not meet the minimum requirements by the government. So, if i stay uncovered i will be paying a $375 penalty for 2016 and a $695 penalty for 2017. Still i will save the medical premiums and i will actually know upfront what the cost of anything is since i'll have to pay out of pocket as i go. And usually self- pay gets a discount.I will save on the premiums= $1976/yr.

 i  have also cancelled my gym membership (359.40/year) and stopped tanning (514.80/year) as well as gave up my gallery space at King's Courtyard(600/yr) .I added up all i had spent through the year on alcohol..amazingly $1632..and that was just what i bought, not including Scotts i'll be saving that $ as well.Additionally i will save the extra vehicle maintenance, registration fee, and my CRV gets about 28-30 my gas cost are way down as well.instead of approximately $50/week, i can fill up for approximately $25/week.So theres another $1300/yr. And my insurance will be around $100 instead of $126 ( and will go down more in February when the garage door incident from 2013 comes off my record) So thats another $1362.But the biggest immediate savings was the lower total car payments-from $639 down to $469 a month = $2040per year.

BAM- just like that i saved myself $9783/yr a year.

The last few weeks i have been paying extra on my credit card debt which is down to $1200, and i have been putting $ into savings . i think im up to around $700 .

When i look back at all the crap i paid out unnecessarily i have to say it's taught me a new lesson...never be too lazy to make some phone calls, check around for better deals, and know what you are paying for. I knew all this but have been too complacent in my alcohol soaked brain to even deal with it. Now i am.

So Halleluja and Praise God...I'm finally doing something better:)

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Day 14-better!

Even though 14 isn't a big # i feel pretty good about this and myself..14 days sober...first time in years.. Still feeling adamant about quitting and no desire to withdrawal after the first 2 days( dealing with that awful hangover).

Staring to see my skin improve, but still have dark circles..this possibly may also be from nightshift insomnia..but who knows..maybe in a few weeks i will start sleeping much better and not so much broken sleep.

I don't feel anymore energy yet, but i figure that will take time. I also have weighed myself but at times i feel thinner..i've ben cutting back on my carbs so far by reducing breads and pastas...i have to get a bit stricter with this though if i'm gonna lose this muffin top. I surely don't feel like execising right now, especially because i had to cancel my gym membership due to financial strains. But i think over time i may feel like starting a walking program.

I have been more focused and gotten wayyyyyy more done each day. taken care of trying to get financial help for the huge medical bill, calling about discrepancies and making calls in general to take care of stuff..,worked out some financial things on line; preparation for taxes etc.It's great- when i think about how difficult it was for me to even make one phone call not long ago..

Drinking more water and herbal teas, altho i have to figure out something for before bed since i wind up waking in an hour to pee , and have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Scott seems happier with me and we haven't argued hardly at all. I've been sketching, watching documentaries fishing needle work along with other household organization projects that i'd put off for so long.

All in all though, i am being cautious with my joy...i wouldnt want to put it all out there then look like a fool if i fail... but I WON'T...

Enough for now....

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Hopes & Prayers

I've decided today to make a list of probable, possible benefits of quitting alcohol.Some of these are mainly "hopes" i have , for small things:
1. better skin & hair
2. lose weight
3. clearer mind( a definite )
4. aches &pains go away
5. less need for OTC meds
6. eventually work on quitting smoking
7. less nausea and better digestion
8.better vision
9.better  quality of sleep

I hope to have more motivation, get more stuff done, be more active and alive, go outdoors more, walk more.I hope to have some definitive goals, and be able to actively work on them. For 2 weeks now, for instance, i have paid $100 on my CC balance and put $50 into my savings..i plan to put at least $20 in very week.

Eventually i want to be able to contribute more financially in household expenses, and know that i could survive on my own if i had to.

I've been experimenting with pot..its going ok, better than i thought..i just have to go slow..the hardest part is getting over the fear and paranoia..then letting the tension go in my body. Im still fighting these things.I definitely have to not take the lexapro( terrible side effects).I pray this next doctor can help me with my nerves and anxiety issues.

Thats all for now.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Struggling to Keep from Drowning

The last two days my ex has gotten desperate since i haven't responded to him in months..First he posted a threat to Scott..well , really he just "called him out" on Fb saying he was a piece of shit and still does acid. Then he proceeded to post a pic of a neck bruise i had sent him a few months ago and insinuated publicly that Scott had done that to me..he did not..It's complicated.

I sent 2 pics to craig on the night i flipped out on Scott over the second time i caught him watching porn and hiding  it..i got terribly drunk and was destroying laptops and other things..i was throwing chairs. Scott did push me down , but that was all and it was warranted because i was trying to hit him.I slipped and fell on the dining table.Anyway because i was out of control and angry- i sent pics of my injuries to Craig to piss Scott off. I did tell him(Craig) though that even though scott pushed me, the injuries were my fault. Now he is using those pics against me and scott.

Following all of this i contacted my brother and between him and scott i committed to not responding to Craig at all.It has made him escalate..he posted what i just wrote, then deleted it..Then later sent me a nasty text saying he wasn't done..basically because he somehow accessed a secret page i have where i vented my emotions to a small group of women i know..its my personal place to go when i cant vent anywhere else..its private and closed to the public..but somehow he found out..i deleted a few people on it, but still have no idea if theres a leak(troll) or he just somehow has been able to access my fb somehow.

It's hell living this way..knowing i can't even report him because she has some things over my head that could destroy me..for instance -losing my nursing license.Sex pics, past info, etc.So i sit here scared and panicked and frustrated.

what's worse is my brother questioning me about my part in the matter, as if i provoked this or deserved this.I explained the whole thing to him..i'm glad he is level headed and seems to ask questions but to constantly question my motives and action makes me upset and  i feel misunderstood.

Yes, i am guilty of continuing to trust Craig and go to him in times of desperation way too long after we split.I acknowledged that. But Craig and i discussed back in Oct. of 2014 that i would not be coming back to him or ever be in a relationship with him again..we would remain just friends and that is all..He took advantage of my trust and friendship, sending those pics to my BF and brother one night..that was august. At that point i told him i was done communicating and cut him off completely.This is what has come of it.

Lat week ( as i just posted) i committed to quit drinking. I am doing fine with that. I don't even miss it.It's going to be a long road as it is.I don't need these emotional upheavals and questions right now.

Note to self- October 7th-2015

The time has come..i know this..i must never drink again, not even a little.I cannot handle it or process it anymore. I don’t know what happened but my body and mind have changed.i made a huge mistake last night and drank a whole big bottle of wine plus some mixed drinks. i almost made some irreversible decisions and bad choices. I did, in fact, do many really stupid things. They are so painful to remember i don’t want to remember them. But the worst part is , again, i cannot remember half of the night at all. I blacked out.

Right now this is all i can think to do…write. Even after about 15 hours of sleep( disturbed sleep) i feel like crap.And in a few hours we are taking his mom to see a documentary at a theatre. I don't even know how i am going to make it throughout that then go to work as well.I feel like a zombie. My nerves are bad and my head is swimming. 

Thursday night i was having a hard time emotionally when i woke up. Scotts mom had decided not to come to our thanksgiving dinner because she wants to spend the time with her own family.For some reason, this really affected me. (that i found out in the morning before bed..i suppressed my feelings and said nothing to Scott) So when i woke i was already unstable. Then the dark cloud of mistrust over came me. I started dwelling on the porn thing. As i ran a few errands i was able to talk myself into a better place. When i got home i dressed up, fixed my hair and make up and planned on having a great evening . It  was not t be. I started drinking. The last thing i remember is a second game of trivia, then hours went by till i recall anything. The next memory is watching Tv with scott and getting pissed off at him for not making me something to eat. at some point i was upset because i thought we hadn't even had sex, when in fact we had sex twice .I cant remember either time. I do remember dancing. I remember pretending to call the police and report him. I remember calling crisis intervention.i remember looking at the clock and seeing 9;00 and thinking how could it be so light out at 9pm..when in fact it was 9am.i went to bed. Scott woke me about 2 . I was still a wreck, beating myself up for my behavior. i laid back down as he went out to run errands from 5p-730 or so.i couldn't sleep..i was scared and panicking.Even after he finally came up and held me and we slept together until he got up around 12am to come downstairs, i stayed in bed, waking frequently in a panic.I got up briefly at 5am and went back to bed. I got up at 10 am. Scott came down briefly. I told him I'm quitting drinking. He went back to bed and is still up there.

I lost 2 whole days. and i feel like today is gone also.I cant do this anymore. I just cant. there is no returns whatsoever anymore.It’s no longer fun. Theres no fun in it at all. I just drink too much and get out of control and don't remember much. when i do remember things, the reality is so dreadful i don't want to even get out of bed. I couldn't eat.In fact i didn’t eat hardly anything since sometime on thursday ( a small portion of a sandwich , most of which i trashed). about 1030 am today i ate 1/4 of a sub Scott bought for me.

I look back at all the things alcohol has robbed me of. A good marriage, my 401k and savings, a clear mind..and many other things. Oh how i wish i could go back in time and do it all over..what i wouldn’t give to be the person i was before i started drinking.Im sure i’d still have a good life, a stable one, and a clear head. I would've enjoyed my first grandson more. i would've accomplished so much.I would still have all that i had worked so hard for.

Now i have a second grandson.I want to enjoy them both. I want and need to be a better person.Not just for everyone else but for myself as well.In the past 6 weeks i had been making some progress.It was a real struggle..everyday. Trying not to dwell on the porn thing, trying to deal with financial and health frustrations, and dealing with my own mind. Everyday i was journalling even if just a little.I have been trying, and now i feel like i blew it all in one night.Why did i make such a stupid choice? i never should've gotten a big bottle..i cant control myself. I remember looking at that empty bottle last night and thinking how in the world could i have drank it all.And then made some mixed drinks on top of it.What a fool i am.

I am torn right now. I wish could sleep more but i cant, somewhat because i had coffee.I almost don't feel like attending this movie today but what would i do with that time anyway?Probably dwell and beat myself up.I need to get a turkey for thanksgiving today so we can store it in his moms freezer. I also don't feel like going to work, but i know getting out will help..and feeling like i have a purpose. Plus i desperately need the money.

I am so frustrated that i cant contribute financially here anymore.I am working on changing that. working regular 5 shift weeks will help, as well as canceling my gym membership, gallery space and lowering my car payments.additionally , i wont be spending $ on alcohol now.I have other plans.i want to change my cell carrier when the contract is up. i want to put $ in my savings and also pay off the credit card. But i need to figure out how to pay this huge hospital bill and do something about my health not sure what.I just know at least that with a clear mind i can deal with things better.

Part of my frustrations is not being able to tell anyone the whole truth, especially about Scotts business. The other part is trying to get over the porn thing and mistrust.So besides finances, I'm dealing with so much emotionally and don't know where to turn most of the time.I get to be a nightmare, and take it out on Scott. I know he was wrong, but he is trying. I was wrong also.I believe somewhat that this is my karma for hurting Jim.Again, so many thoughts still swirling in my head.

I truly hope this Lexapro helps me with the depression and anxiety. I am not so upset anymore that the doctor didnt give me zanax. Perhaps an SSRI is what i really do need.Ive been depressed all my life, but especially so the past 2 years.I constantly feel miserable and usually don't have any clue as to why.Why cant i just be happy and appreciate all i have?

I should probably try to lay down now again..and part of me thinks writing this was for nothing.I hope not.Maybe a nap will help.