Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Time is Twisty like the Wind

I havent posted for a bit because, honestly i kept thinking - "Damn, i know who reads these , who has access to them and also who will judge me for what i write." But after much consideration, i have decided i really don't care . It's my blog, it's always been my blog and if you don't like my private thoughts or whatever - Don't Go Looking For Them...enough said..

Now, to go on....i have been through a lot inside in the last month or so. It's really been a struggle to remain functional at all.I have felt betrayed and lost, useless, and unstable. The battle is uphill every single day. Sure, i do little things like have lunch with a friend or keep my grandson for a few hours.Or i research ways to cope online, or talk/chat with people to vent some.But that hasn't really resolved most things.

I have also felt pressured in so many ways to do things someone else's way- be this person, do this or that, accept things just because that's the way they feel, and/or behave as someone else wishes. And its not just one person, but several....all coming from different angles.

All i can really say is that i am trying. Some of the things i have been doing may seem small or insignificant but they are hurdles for me. For example- calling the dentist, doctor, or most other general calls- also including getting to appointments.Its stressful for me to do..mainly because i feel too depressed to deal with calls and to leave my house.i have even made my first attempt to call a counselor and looked up AA online meeting times- this is a huge step for me.

Today i started a small daily journal i am calling "baby steps", Where i can write down progress towards my many goals, triggers for things like smoking and anxiety, etc.It will take vigilance to remember to write in it.

Mostly i want to lay in bed and stare at the wall or sleep.I want my heart to stop palpitating all the time which scares me. I want to be able to trust people again.I want to feel strong and confident again.

I want to feel peace...deep inside i know no outside person is going to give me that..its all within myself..i just keep turning my back to that and ignoring all the work i have to do now.I don't even know what else to say at this time so , i'll just sign off.

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