Thursday, October 22, 2015

Inspiration vs. Hope

Now, what is ridiculous about that definition is that 1-4 and #7 use the word itself as part of the definition-- wrong...not allowed!The only real effort put into that definition was #5- the theology.

Let's start with 

a.) a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul..

well now..this could entail many things. i personally feel sleep is probably MY #1 inspiration- when i can get it. This past week has , once again, screwed me on shut eye. And given the additional blessing of sinus /allergy issues..i don't feel too excited about using either my state of health as a tool for growth.

So i suppose i shall have to find a few more "inspirations"..let me see...positives, positives..ok..

1. i am still alive house is clean
3.i have food
4. i have a job
5.i have a car

nope...not about some quotes.. only live once , but if you do it right, once is enough
2.if opportunity doesn't knock, make a door
3.remind yourself that it's ok not to be perfect
4.fall seven times, stand up eight
5.Life begins at the end of your comfort zone( now this one i can live with)

Generally though, my issue here is that i am finding very little joy in life at the moment. I keep looking up, looking around, centering myself, trying again...nothing is working..Everything just feels like a big drag.

What i do have right now though is this:HOPE.

this is because i will be on week 3 of my diabolical plan to change my entire life, starting with how i react to scott, and how much i drink.
Firstly, i will explain my initial and ongoing "scott plan"-initially  i said to myself  "Self, just stop caring so much. Just walk away or change the subjectKeep everything neutral or make small talk. Never get upset, it's not worth it".Along the way i added " Self, let scott do whatever he wants, in the end, he will chose if he really wants it or not, or if he really wants YOU".So far, tis has worked very well..i haven't gotten upset even once..The times i almost did, i easily reigned it in with self talk and/or leaving the conversation.
Secondly, the drinking plan- i started only buying one small bottle to drink on my nights off...a time or 2 i have added a white russian..(or two..but usually only one) and it has helped tremendously with my emotions getting out of control. I have also been ( SLOWLY) experimenting with pot, in hopes that i can quit drinking totally and just do the getting high thing...its going very  slowly..but better than before.

Ive also been tasking a lot since i have the extra time when scott is ( always) gone.Plus he seems to like seeing me do lots of meaningless chores( like he does- not that they are bad, just not priority stuff)As i said though,, I've been battling sleeplessness and sinus stuff so its been a total struggle.

Additionally i have made it a point to go out with scott more( mexitaly, waterway, olive garden, etc..and soon we will be seeing Dracula live at York Little theater and thenHex Hollow with his mom  at the strand.

And ,now, for the latest..he just now tells me maybe i should be a phone sex worker..sigh..back to low self esteem:(

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