Thursday, October 22, 2015

Inspiration vs. Hope

Now, what is ridiculous about that definition is that 1-4 and #7 use the word itself as part of the definition-- wrong...not allowed!The only real effort put into that definition was #5- the theology.

Let's start with 

a.) a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul..

well now..this could entail many things. i personally feel sleep is probably MY #1 inspiration- when i can get it. This past week has , once again, screwed me on shut eye. And given the additional blessing of sinus /allergy issues..i don't feel too excited about using either my state of health as a tool for growth.

So i suppose i shall have to find a few more "inspirations"..let me see...positives, positives..ok..

1. i am still alive house is clean
3.i have food
4. i have a job
5.i have a car

nope...not about some quotes.. only live once , but if you do it right, once is enough
2.if opportunity doesn't knock, make a door
3.remind yourself that it's ok not to be perfect
4.fall seven times, stand up eight
5.Life begins at the end of your comfort zone( now this one i can live with)

Generally though, my issue here is that i am finding very little joy in life at the moment. I keep looking up, looking around, centering myself, trying again...nothing is working..Everything just feels like a big drag.

What i do have right now though is this:HOPE.

this is because i will be on week 3 of my diabolical plan to change my entire life, starting with how i react to scott, and how much i drink.
Firstly, i will explain my initial and ongoing "scott plan"-initially  i said to myself  "Self, just stop caring so much. Just walk away or change the subjectKeep everything neutral or make small talk. Never get upset, it's not worth it".Along the way i added " Self, let scott do whatever he wants, in the end, he will chose if he really wants it or not, or if he really wants YOU".So far, tis has worked very well..i haven't gotten upset even once..The times i almost did, i easily reigned it in with self talk and/or leaving the conversation.
Secondly, the drinking plan- i started only buying one small bottle to drink on my nights off...a time or 2 i have added a white russian..(or two..but usually only one) and it has helped tremendously with my emotions getting out of control. I have also been ( SLOWLY) experimenting with pot, in hopes that i can quit drinking totally and just do the getting high thing...its going very  slowly..but better than before.

Ive also been tasking a lot since i have the extra time when scott is ( always) gone.Plus he seems to like seeing me do lots of meaningless chores( like he does- not that they are bad, just not priority stuff)As i said though,, I've been battling sleeplessness and sinus stuff so its been a total struggle.

Additionally i have made it a point to go out with scott more( mexitaly, waterway, olive garden, etc..and soon we will be seeing Dracula live at York Little theater and thenHex Hollow with his mom  at the strand.

And ,now, for the latest..he just now tells me maybe i should be a phone sex worker..sigh..back to low self esteem:(

What is inspiration?

an inspiring or animating action or influence:
I cannot write poetry without inspiration.
something inspired, as an idea.
a result of inspired activity.
a thing or person that inspires.

  1. a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mindor soul.
  2. the divine quality of the writings or words of a person soinfluenced.
the drawing of air into the lungs; inhalation.
the act of inspiring; quality or state of being inspired.

courtesy of dictionary .com

well, i have to use their format if i copy and i'll restart on a new post, keeping this definition in mind. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Insomnia and Such

This past 3 day weekend was again calm..i drank only a little each night..I did almost over do it saturday and rested most of the day sunday but was still wiped out.The fact that there was no arguing is my touch point.

I've been doing well writing in my Baby Steps book each day, even if its just a few lines.Right now i am awake after once again thinking i'd sleep well. I worked last night,went to bed right away in the morning.Awoke at 1130 , took another half sleeping pill..did not 1215p i took half hit of pot, which relaxed me but didnt put me to 2pm i got up.This sucks..and  worse, Scott is still sleeping. Any other time he is up before me.So now i sit scrolling though Facebook and blogging, drinking coffee and smoking cigs all by my bored, worn out self.

I know if i could just get some good regular sleep my life would improve dramatically.But between insomnia, neck/back pain ,, and allergies..( not to mention night shift) i believe its a futile goal.

On another note, i have been doing well dealing with Scott. I have been doing lots of extra tasking, only talking about neutral subjects and making small talk, and not allowing myself to dwell on negative emotions.I got a lot accomplished and theres been no tension. So- i will take that as a measure of success.Baby steps. That's all I got.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Return to Calm

It was a pretty calm weekend..and for the first time in years i didn't wake with a hangover any of the 3 days off..yes, i had a few drinks...but very few..we actually went out to see a friend play at a local restaurant and saw several old friends there as well, the house stayed clean and tasks were completed..we even got to use our new fire pit last night on a beautiful starry evening.I spent 2 hours embroidering the project for Elijah( who is due this weekend).And i did not once check Scott's phone or laptop.I took all my supplements and meds and even got groceries so i was able to make some awesome meals.

Now tonight, back to work..a few negative things..although i slept well yesterday i went to bed last night at 2am and am awake at 11am ..not good for night shifters.Also,'s pretty discouraging that i get no paid vacation time. After an entire summer with most saturdays off and several full weeks off, now the vacation week off, i am feeling really discouraged about catching up on my bills and trying to start saving money again.All i can hope for is to be able to sell my car and trade in the truck ( so i have 4WD) and be able to work a steady 5 nights a week for awhile.

I haven't been concentrating as much on quitting smoking as i should be. But i did call a recommended counselor ( whom i have yet to actually get a hold of). The issue though now is , again, money. I went to the dentist thursday and found out i need 2 caps on my teeth..ugh..more money. This in addition to the doctor bill of $219 i have to pay.It seems like i'll never catch up.

Also, more drama with my ex. He has been continuing his stalking/spying behaviors.I have had to spend hours resting my privacy settings on Facebook and then making this blog private again.So far i haven't had to block him from emails or text, but will if necessary.He is truly day he is pining over me and wanting us back together, crying, etc..then next he gets irate about something and starts threatening and accusing . It's just too much to bear..I finally realized we cannot be "just friends".I have to cut it off entirely.

At any rate , i will try to remember the beach vacation( even though the weather sucked) We did have one good beach day. Sunny and relaxing. It's the positives sometimes that get me through.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Time is Twisty like the Wind

I havent posted for a bit because, honestly i kept thinking - "Damn, i know who reads these , who has access to them and also who will judge me for what i write." But after much consideration, i have decided i really don't care . It's my blog, it's always been my blog and if you don't like my private thoughts or whatever - Don't Go Looking For Them...enough said..

Now, to go on....i have been through a lot inside in the last month or so. It's really been a struggle to remain functional at all.I have felt betrayed and lost, useless, and unstable. The battle is uphill every single day. Sure, i do little things like have lunch with a friend or keep my grandson for a few hours.Or i research ways to cope online, or talk/chat with people to vent some.But that hasn't really resolved most things.

I have also felt pressured in so many ways to do things someone else's way- be this person, do this or that, accept things just because that's the way they feel, and/or behave as someone else wishes. And its not just one person, but several....all coming from different angles.

All i can really say is that i am trying. Some of the things i have been doing may seem small or insignificant but they are hurdles for me. For example- calling the dentist, doctor, or most other general calls- also including getting to appointments.Its stressful for me to do..mainly because i feel too depressed to deal with calls and to leave my house.i have even made my first attempt to call a counselor and looked up AA online meeting times- this is a huge step for me.

Today i started a small daily journal i am calling "baby steps", Where i can write down progress towards my many goals, triggers for things like smoking and anxiety, etc.It will take vigilance to remember to write in it.

Mostly i want to lay in bed and stare at the wall or sleep.I want my heart to stop palpitating all the time which scares me. I want to be able to trust people again.I want to feel strong and confident again.

I want to feel peace...deep inside i know no outside person is going to give me that..its all within myself..i just keep turning my back to that and ignoring all the work i have to do now.I don't even know what else to say at this time so , i'll just sign off.