Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Let's Talk

I have avoided writing for several days because things have been so stressful since the recent event. After many days of up and down emotions ..i spent most of my 4 days off doing almost nothing except being sick , angry, sad, and confused.I was fine all the way through wednesday- i was working, sleeping ..mostly maintaining my numb state.Then Thursday came and the following occurred:
I had planned my thursday night off to be alone and paint , maybe enjoy a movie and get to bed..so that i could get up the next day and go see houses with a  realtor. I had some tentative plans for visiting a friend Friday night..possibly even staying over.If not fri then saturday..so that saturday i could go to a huge community yard sale and look for toys for my grandson.

Those plans may as well have been written with disappearing ink..I got home from a hair appointment and a short visit with a friend..i was pretty exhausted since i hadn't slept well the night(day) before.. i ate some mac and cheese and took a nap from 830p-10p..Got up , turned on some tunes, set up to paint and did so until about 1 am ,i believe ,out on the patio. Well, i was almost finished but it was getting so cold my fingers were numb.. i could not find a portable heater - it had been moved. So i had to text Scott to ask where it was..By the time he texted back i had already moved indoors. Since i moved indoors  then wanted to play music through my laptop onto speakers..Scott had left a 2 page typed out instruction sheet of the various ways things need to be hooked up to play cd's, dvd's ,vHS tapes , laptop to speakers, etc. etc,ect...i had been asking for this instruction list for months since it basically takes a PHD in technology to figure it  out without detailed instructions until you get used to the 4-5 components, cords, 5 remotes, etc..its has been pretty much a nightmare for me.

Anyway, i am able to follow these instructions until i get to the cord that used to be available to link the laptop to the soundboard  & speakers.So, again i have to call to ask where it is.He tells me, i  find it ..all is well..
Until about 3 am..
I was done painting and just wanted to watch a few episodes on dvd's of the Beverly Hillbillies so i could laugh to keep my spirits up ,..then get to bed. Well after 2 hours of trying to follow these instructions and getting no where and getting more upset ( as well as drinking more wine) i furiously texted him ( again)to come and help me. After all , pay my share of the bills..and being this helpless in my own home is pretty ridiculous. He kept trying to sway me form him coming and wanted me to follow instructions over text or by phone. I explained that NO..that was not going to work..i had tried and in the state i was currently in it definitely wasn't an option..

He kept insisting until i finally threatened to smash the TV. I figured if he didnt care about coming to help me for 10 minutes, maybe he would come save his precious TV.He had put me off for over half an hour so i pulled the Tv off the wall bracket laid it on the floor, pulled out the connecting cords .He had been warned. I didnt smash it..but bent a few connections on the connecting cords.In the mean time i felt somewhat satisfied but still angry and hurt..so i got into the jacuzzi and just cried.Somehow during this time he made it over and texted that he had seen the TV..i got out now upset that he had come and not done anything to fix it or tell me he  was there.
However, when i got dried off..i found out he was , in fact still there..So of course we had  MAJOR blow out.
Additionally because i was totally pissed it by this point..he took it upon himself to call my pregnant daughter and mother of a 3 year old at 5 am or so and make it sound like i was a crazy lunatic and maybe she should come get me or something.I had no idea he called until i had gone to bed, locked the door and got a call from my daughter.. Again..i was truly insanely pissed..and rightly so.We were up until 10 am arguing.

 Needless to say the next few days did not go as planned and i basically was having a hard time even functioning..my nerves causing IBS issues , the constant drama..took its toll..i cancelled everything. I barely remembered to turn my time slips in..i  ate less than i full meal TOTAL in 3 days time.Smoked like a chimney, drank  more, etc.

Finally, yesterday, we have talked a little and cleared the air as to make it more tolerable to co habitat for the next few months.Its not great..not even stable..but its a start.We are still going to stay officially separated and not a couple at this point..but try to compromise and work certain necessary issues out. All i can say is..i need prayers..Thanks>

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