Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Day 6

My brain has been on fire since late in my shift last night..maybe its the nerve endings regenerating, maybe its the brain drying out process- who knows.All i know is it has been very difficult to sleep with the monkey mind and the increased awareness of physical pain. In many ways i realized this week that after i go to the gym i feel so much better- pain free, energized- all those endorphins and clarity of mind...this , so far, lasts a few hours each time.Then the pains creep back in, irritation rears it's ugly head, and exhaustion begins to turn into delusion and frustration.My brain and nerves under go attack.

I close my eyes but see only the things that unnerve and anger me,my mind questions all the things i have previously believed or was blinding myself to.As i truly begin this journey i want to assert here-THINGS ARE CHANGING.

In the coming days , not only will my friends, and facebook friends begin to see a new and different me..but also those in my immediate environment as well as my family. Perhaps they will be stunned, upset, happy, sad, shocked, or ultimately moved or inspired.I wish for them all whatever they wish for themselves..I am not in control of that nor do i have the energy to be burdened by trying to sort out their feelings and/or trying to please and appease.

What i have begun to feel is an awakening of sorts..not the kind that makes me smile either. The kind that will move me into a place/space of my own doing rather than one controlled by my fears, my environment, the media, other people and other outside factors.I intend to become who i was meant to be at this time in my life.

In this( my mental health at least) i will answer to no one.It is a day-to-day excruciating process- the realizations- about myself, about my choices, about my environment,about my own feelings are coming at me full speed. They are firing at me left and right, bombs are being dropped.It is very difficult to explain fully.

I will not apologize for finally trying to understand myself, and to make a better person out of this one. I may fail at times. But , truly, the enemy and the savior exist only in one place- OURSELVES.This was the first of my revelations and here is the second one-

Fear is the only enemy- i let that sink in.

Fear can create a lot of things- anger, hatred, apathy, violence, depression, withdrawal, insecurity..all of these and more..sometimes one leading to the other until there is a vicious cycle.But fear must not only be conquered, it must be harnessed, and used as a tool- for motivation, for positive change, and self examination.In that way, we defeat the enemy self and become our savior self.

I welcome the ones who will now say- perhaps she is losing her mind..because i say YES.I am. I am losing the mind ,by choice, that has not served me well and am busy creating one that will.

Sweet dreams!

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