Monday, May 18, 2015

Beauty and the Liar

Before you go thinking i am calling myself beautiful out of vanity. Take some time to read the whole post.

So, when i blogged last..it was to admit failure, and to start over ..never giving up. I know i can do this. But on that very day the following unfolded.

I get up and come downstairs at 5pm. He had gotten up at about 430pm , he stated..He was on his laptop...as usual.I thought nothing of it, this is our routine whether i like it or not.Anyway, eventually he comes to the table to talk and we re-hash the whole "home/house" thing. By 8:30pm..he decides we are ordering food and while he is out he will get me some claritin..Great.

While he is out i notice he has left his computer on..i go to shut it down and notice a second tab open besides the Facebook log in page(which he always logs out of) So i click on that tab and my whole world comes crashing down around me.The tab was open to a live web cam ..some girls porn web cam. I started looking further into it..thru his history and realized that he has been spending hours every single day on this stuff even though we have sex everyday, sometimes several times a day.
he has been doing it when i leave for work, before i get home and before i get out of bed in the afternoon..and not just web cams..all kinds of other shit that started to hit me like a brick.Like that fact that he never ever had his mail sent to our address.,he always has it sent to his mom's. even after all this time. and how the activities he has been telling me he spends time doing every night/morning just don't add up to the time it takes a normal person. The fact that he is always late and takes longer than anyone I've ever known to complete a few simple errands.For instance, when he left tonite..at 830..his stops were to include only 2 things..a pizza shop 5 minutes away and a store 8 minutes away. He always has some excuse.This time he said the pharmacy wasn't open..Didnt matter, because even if that are true and he went to the next grocery store ..that one was only a few minutes way as well. what time did he get home? after 10pm.
I found out as well he has many email addresses, of course i have to wonder why someone needs more than one or two.But i couldn't access them- gee..wonder what i would've found there.
Too much.

On top of it all i had asked him several times during our relationship if he watched porn at all, because i said i would like to watch it with him. He said No..over and over and denied he watched it.Well, on that afternoon alone, in less than half an hour , he visited 20 different webcams, and about 5 other porn sites.And his history back to three weeks ago showed this was the case, several times a day, every day.

Now i know that men watch some porn every now and then, and i have absolutely no problem with it.But when u are lying about it, hiding it and doing it this excess, and have been doing so almost the entire relationship..i can't forgive that. Its deceitful, it's hurtful, its wrong. I have been completely honest with him about every thing- good bad and ugly.Because i'd rather be hurt with the truth than deceived with lies. If he had been upfront and open, maybe we could have had a chance to work this out. But when someone loses your trust, it's gone.Truth is the real beauty in anything.Lies are the ugliness.

All i can think is of all those times i was waiting waiting waiting for him t get home , what was he really doing? who was he really with?  Always an hour or two late- with either no explanation or a very weak one..

sigh..i will never ever get my happy ending..FML.

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