Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Brain Game

So many things to bitch about tonight..i couldn't possibly list them allMy brain is on overload..Seriously...i have a whole list and then some..that have been working their way into my brain over the past month or so..and some more recent.

i have been struggling with sooooo  many things over this past year..from relationship changes, and issues from that, moving(3 times), finding and keeping a job, getting a 4wd for work, and finally getting medical insurance.Then taking care of medical, eye and dental needs that i had been putting off.i have cut back my drinking drastically-- had been drinking everyday before..for about a year or so..and have attempted(not succeeded) in quitting smoking.I have been trying very hard to spend more time with family and get back/maintain some sort of normalcy in life inspite of all the complications and stress.This, my friends, is ALOT for one person to go through in a year...

Now throw in major depression( not a clue what from) and a worsening heart condition of some sort(or maybe its just anxiety - but my heart skips beats almost constantly). Add in the cancer, and feeling like i don't want to hardly ever leave my house or be around other people at all.Also include that when i do drink i binge drink all on one night, and instead of being happy, peaceful and creative like i used to be..i get upset, sad, angry, and occasionally ( not as much as did at one time) get violent at a certain point.I have even lately been thinking"NO one should be around me when i drink on thursdays". I have told my Bf he should just go out on those days and leave me to my devices. I am fine on the other days( after my friday recovery time).I even act normal..all week this perimenopause?

Here's another thing: My periods are getting worse...i feel like hell when i am getting them..moody, violent, and more physical symptoms as well..I mean, what the hell? Cant i just go through menopause already?And why do i hate all men?Just kidding, but when i'm riding the crimson wave i literally hate everyone.

Next up: what ever happened to the romance? Is there an unwritten law that relationships go into a rut after 6 months to a year?so many times lately i have tried to ramp up the romance and it has utterly failed.I have rented a cabin, i have tried to get his attention in many ways(other than sex- which is always successful- imagine that- although it lacks the romance factor it once had), i have sent him music videos, poems( sometimes he doesn't even look at them or watch them until i push), posted romantic stuff on his Fb wall( that he doesn't even see unless i tell him to go look at)When we get up anymore instead of hugging, kisses on the cheek and a good morning...we are in separate rooms on laptops...not talking.I used to get texts when i got to work telling me how much he missed me already and at first he seemed to enjoy chatting with me online when i am working- now I'm lucky to get two hours and i wait 5 just to hear from him.i frequently try to drop hints that go unnoticed..and it just feels like a brick just drops on my heart.

Also, i am disgusted with the stupid crap i have to deal with in my chosen career of "nursing".Specifically "home care" and more specifically"pediatric home care".It's not enough that i work 5 nights a week, drive an hour each way, work saturday through wednesday.And that i got through the winter with no illnesses and only 3 call offs for sever weather. As far as the agencies go there are constant requirements and inconveniences(and no rewards) , especially being a night shifter...having to get up after 6 or less hours of sleep to get to the office for something is ridiculous when it could easily be done either online, or at a supervisory visit.I am also getting tired of all the "re-educations"- some of them are just plain silly, yet it shows up an my annual eval that i have been"re-educated" x amount of times.In the clients home theres always the "walking around on eggshells" wondering if u will say or do or not say or not do something that will offend the family and get u fired.For instance..i was getting bites of some sort around my ankles, the client has constant rashes.They have 3 cats and a dog. When i suggested they might wonder about fleas, (and i put that as delicately as possible) it was instant defense mode "Aint no fleas in THIS house"- yeah-ok- i don't go anywhere outside of work and home usually and definitely nowhere to get bug bites on my ankles.

anyway, just thought i would vent a bit and finally get some things off my chest.

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