Monday, December 28, 2015

Changes Have Happened

A few weeks ago i posted a list of hopes and expectations as i began my journey into sobriety.Since then i have seen some of those things come true or at leafs partially develop.My skin is looking are 2 before and after pics:
This was from 9/30/ the almost height of my drinking...i look like i was poisoned
Here is one from 12/12/2015

As you can see..the lines have faded and my skin has perked up..less blemishes and sagging..Unfortnately i still am dealing with dark circles mainly due to lots of insomnia..heres one form this afternoon when i awoke , once again after only 5 hours of sleep
i have been reading and researching, they say lack of sleep makes you paler and therefore the circles are more apparent. You can see from all 3 pics that i am paler in general, i have stopped tanning.i am working on this issue with tea bags, elevating my head while sleeping and switching moisturizer to coconut oil.Also contributing could be my severe allergy issues..i have not taken a Claritin in over 2 weeks, and have been using only saline.

I have also been detoxing from caffeine..i am down to one cup of half caff a day then switching to herbal tea and Caffix, etc. 

Additionally i am more focused and in control. I don't have any urges or desires to drink and mostly thinking about it makes me nauseous.I don't want to say i'll never ever drink a glass of wine agin though and may think about it for my birthday in February.
Over all my meds and supplements have changed- i take metoprolol and diuril for my heart issues now and have had no palpitations. I did not need or want anxiety meds. I am taking a b-50 capsule daily along with glucosamine chondroitin. I make my own Kefir now and sweeten with honey, and add bee pollen.I take a tabs. of apple cider vinegar with the mother several times a week( cant hurt, and seems to give me energy). 

As fare as my health i have started using willow bark and arnica to deal with pain along with a daily maintenance of using the inversion table and TENS unit...i have been mostly pain free, exceptions are usually only when i skip a day.I still drink plenty of water as well.So over all its been a journey into better all around health.I did lose weight(7.5 lbs. but probably have gained some back..i take less OTC meds and my digestion is way better as well.. 
 i have considerably less anxiety and pain.....Now just trying to conquer the sleep issue...Namaste.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

After Christmas thoughts...

Well, Christmas wasn't s bad after all, and we even have started having better sex..i am so relieved.I didn't wanna picture my life as a boring old married couple stuck in a rut.I'd rather be single than that.
We went to his moms for dinner and it was very difficult for me..I expected to be there 2-21/2 hrs..we were there 41/2..i was in so much pain and my sinuses were tired.i like his mom...but i really really wanted to leave.

Right now I'm at work dealing with a toddler who , since about september , has decided to awaken at an average of 3am( 230am tonight) ..most likely because the family lets him sleep all so frustrated with tonight, instead of just letting him in the  crib, i got him up at 230a and let him play hope is that he will be so tired he will sleep all day and be wide awake for the it should be..and eventually sleep at night..i'm even considering getting him up early every single time he starts to stir on my shift until he gets back to his normal.( which was awake between 6 and 7am.) my period on christmas as hoping to a  better brighter new year with less insomnia and PAIN:)

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Still Going Strong

34 days are the positives:
1. i no longer have to deal with the 2 day hangover after a night of drinking- and lose those two days dealing with feeling horrible.
2.not spending $ on wine
3. my skin is clearing up slowly
4. i have lost weight- 7.5 lbs
5. BP is down 98/60
6.i no longer wake up with various cuts and bruises from the night before.
7. i remember what i did the night before
8.i've started new projects- tanning buck hides, learning cherokee and doing lots of needle work.
9.I don't have to apologize for my behavior from the night before arguments

The struggles:
1. Boredom and feeling like have nothing to do
2. agitation and not feeling relaxed or having that to look forward to
3. not wanting to see friends or go out because i feel awkward around them- most drink or smoke pot
4. not being able to find something to ease my anxiety and pain
5.resentment at Scott because he can relax with pot and i cant
6.feeling like i am boring
7. worrying Scott will lose interest in me because i am boring and docile now
8.smoking too much
9.wondering how much to reveal to people about being sober( publicly)
10.still having some symptoms like disconnected thoughts, insomnia,numbness , depression and anxiety( but they are much less intense now)

Over all , i haven't been really tempted to drink. I struggle daily but only because of the above things. I don't crave alcohol, i just crave relaxation. I still would like to see improvements in some of the expectations.I think more clearly most of the time now but my brain is like a monkey brain.I get a lot more done but its still frustrating.Mainly the pain, insomnia and boredom.

I guess like anything, this is a process and i need to be patient and accept that.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Healthy Anger to Motivate Change

So many things to say today..screaming in my head.Best to write them all down i believe.And be forewarned..this will offend just about do what and think what you will..i'm not afraid of being "unfriended" on Facebook, being gossiped about or not being "included"in things. I'm done being a doormat.My opinion is that it's just too damn scary for some people to take a good hard look at themselves, their environment/community/nation, and their behaviors... and be honest.Disclaimer: i am NOT singling anyone out here or pointing fingers at individuals specifically. I welcome challenges, always up for a good discussion. And think about this- if you are offended, often the root issue is within, not with the other person.

1.First of all , it sickens me that health insurance in our country is such a scam. It feeds the insurance industry, the pharmacies, and the federal government through investments on Wall street.The bottom of the pyramid feeds the top..and when the top gets too top heavy it will tip. You will be crushed under their weight and become collateral damage unless you have built a strong foundation.
2. It makes me angry that deregulation has enabled our county to feed the rich by allowing them to create their own money through debt( the $ isn't even's an illusion they've made us believe).
3.Apathy( the most common ailment in this country) is crippling the masses.No change comes from apathy. Simply sitting around with your head in the sand and stating you just wanna be happy and not angry is exactly what the wealthy count on to become even richer. Complacency( idiocracy) comes from apathy. Real change means healthy anger (not misdirected) and action.I means suffering, pain and sacrifice.If you have kids, think about your future generations, if you don't, maybe you care about animals or the planet. If you care about none of this you are a waste of human life and a huge part of the problem.
4. It starts with the man in the mirror and people helping people. Look at your self- ask honest questions. If you think you're happy at the moment, wait until this vicious cycle hits home. Then be "forced" to re evaluate. P.S.- sitting around in a some esoteric bubble helps no one, and eventually your own bubble will burst- no man is an island unto himself.Inner peace in and of itself is just that-
its all about you...again, a huge part of the problem.It's not a bad thing, but its not the ONLY thing thats important.
5. When i say look in the mirror, i mean make sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and doing nothing to change your circumstances. Eliminate the things you don't need. Stop buying on credit and f*ck your credit score( living on a credit based economy isn't good for anyone). Take the $ u save and pay off whatever debt you can and let the government and corporations take on what you can't- most likely its their fault you have that debt anyway-enabling consumers to buy on credit , tricking/forcing them into health care plans that are scams, etc- let them eventually topple- "starving the troll" in a sense).Take the rest of that $ and save it so you have cash on hand..not sitting somewhere allowing the hierarchy to use it to create more wealth while giving you back nothing or some paltry amount to "placate" you into apathy.I can give a ton of examples here- IRA's,401k's, health insurance premiums, savings accounts mutual funds,credit spending, etc)
6. When i say people helping people, i mean start in your own back yard( literally or figuratively- could mean in your community).And not just "family"- it takes a village as they say. When you help someone, the potential and probability of them helping back is much higher.It may not happen every time, but the ratios won't lie over time.Help people directly, not just through donating ( and this should be done privately- tooting your own horn creates resentment).
7. Stop sitting behind a computer bitching and doing nothing..educate yourself ..theres a wealth of info out and off(libraries, friends, experience).Then use that info to empower yourself and others.Social media is one way, but its not the only way you should be addressing the issues.Anyone with questions about what i personally/specifically have done may feel free to contact me.I'll give u a run down . Wasted space in this format.
8. Don't accept government assistance- chances are you really don't need it- and it keeps them in control.And lines their pockets through false "subsidy " programs where the majority of the $ goes to the higher ups who do very little. These are also partly or mainly funded by the taxpayer. Can you walk and talk and post coherently on Facebook? Can you make it out to social events , go on vacation, do anything physically active?Then you aren't disabled.There's a job for you. You have back pain, anxiety, depression,  feel "suicidal" everyday-  but- welcome to the rest of the world- this doesn't entitle you.I deal with those things daily, and many many do along with other issues. Get help, or help yourself- but not at the expense of the rest of us.
9. Can't work because minimum wage isn't worth it? Do something about that.Again, gather info, work and save,make expenditure changes, lifestyle changes( seriously- while everyone deserves a "little " something for pleasure/sanity-do you really need that cup of Starbucks several times a week?, do you need a ton of resource consuming lights on your house for the holidays?Then don't bitch about the cost of things and your electric bill.).Stop covering up your discomfort by.self medicating.I did this, it doesn't work in the long run.You need to be clear, focused, and in discomfort to be motivated to make changes.Which leads to another issue in this country....
10.Stop just having kids,without thinking about your personal responsibility to provide for them-it's not everyone else obligation to pay for them through taxes, inflation etc..or even the "governments" had them, step up. And/or if you already do- teach them about morals, ethics, work, responsibility, and helping others.Lead by example.Don't promote: race rage,  anger about unfairness while doing nothing but whining or bitching, fear, or  apathy.Stop blaming the police, and learn about why they have become what they have.I guarantee you it's not what you think, and then put yourself in their position.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Day 18- Improvements

Today i woke overjoyed that i had actually gotten 12 hrs of sleep.I still haven't drank and have been slowly slowly getting used to some herbal relaxation. It seems to keep me less agitated and helps me to sleep better, altho i do still take my 50 mgs of trazadone if i wake after only a few hours..but the combination has been good. Additionally i was able to nap well from 815p-915p tonite before work( with no meds or herbals) and i am actually awake and motivated tonight.I even did some extra cleaning and organizing at my case. 

My back still hurts but didnt really start until after 7 tonight. I watched Jonah from 3p-730p and actually had ENERGY to play well with him the whole time! Awesome! good things this week.I am still so glad i quit drinking.Have had no temptations or  wrestlings with my conscience about it..even on the 3 thursday nights off so far:)

I got another  doctor bill on thursday for a regular dr. visit..another $115..that was the final straw..i paid out $2470 for medical / hospital insurance plus dental, vision this past covered almost nothing at i am in the hole for an extra 5,000 in medical bills on top of it. Because it was through my employer and not the marketplace, i won't even get a tax credit. I may even get a penalty because a letter was sent at one point stating my insurance does not meet the minimum requirements by the government. So, if i stay uncovered i will be paying a $375 penalty for 2016 and a $695 penalty for 2017. Still i will save the medical premiums and i will actually know upfront what the cost of anything is since i'll have to pay out of pocket as i go. And usually self- pay gets a discount.I will save on the premiums= $1976/yr.

 i  have also cancelled my gym membership (359.40/year) and stopped tanning (514.80/year) as well as gave up my gallery space at King's Courtyard(600/yr) .I added up all i had spent through the year on alcohol..amazingly $1632..and that was just what i bought, not including Scotts i'll be saving that $ as well.Additionally i will save the extra vehicle maintenance, registration fee, and my CRV gets about 28-30 my gas cost are way down as well.instead of approximately $50/week, i can fill up for approximately $25/week.So theres another $1300/yr. And my insurance will be around $100 instead of $126 ( and will go down more in February when the garage door incident from 2013 comes off my record) So thats another $1362.But the biggest immediate savings was the lower total car payments-from $639 down to $469 a month = $2040per year.

BAM- just like that i saved myself $9783/yr a year.

The last few weeks i have been paying extra on my credit card debt which is down to $1200, and i have been putting $ into savings . i think im up to around $700 .

When i look back at all the crap i paid out unnecessarily i have to say it's taught me a new lesson...never be too lazy to make some phone calls, check around for better deals, and know what you are paying for. I knew all this but have been too complacent in my alcohol soaked brain to even deal with it. Now i am.

So Halleluja and Praise God...I'm finally doing something better:)

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Day 14-better!

Even though 14 isn't a big # i feel pretty good about this and myself..14 days sober...first time in years.. Still feeling adamant about quitting and no desire to withdrawal after the first 2 days( dealing with that awful hangover).

Staring to see my skin improve, but still have dark circles..this possibly may also be from nightshift insomnia..but who knows..maybe in a few weeks i will start sleeping much better and not so much broken sleep.

I don't feel anymore energy yet, but i figure that will take time. I also have weighed myself but at times i feel thinner..i've ben cutting back on my carbs so far by reducing breads and pastas...i have to get a bit stricter with this though if i'm gonna lose this muffin top. I surely don't feel like execising right now, especially because i had to cancel my gym membership due to financial strains. But i think over time i may feel like starting a walking program.

I have been more focused and gotten wayyyyyy more done each day. taken care of trying to get financial help for the huge medical bill, calling about discrepancies and making calls in general to take care of stuff..,worked out some financial things on line; preparation for taxes etc.It's great- when i think about how difficult it was for me to even make one phone call not long ago..

Drinking more water and herbal teas, altho i have to figure out something for before bed since i wind up waking in an hour to pee , and have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Scott seems happier with me and we haven't argued hardly at all. I've been sketching, watching documentaries fishing needle work along with other household organization projects that i'd put off for so long.

All in all though, i am being cautious with my joy...i wouldnt want to put it all out there then look like a fool if i fail... but I WON'T...

Enough for now....

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Hopes & Prayers

I've decided today to make a list of probable, possible benefits of quitting alcohol.Some of these are mainly "hopes" i have , for small things:
1. better skin & hair
2. lose weight
3. clearer mind( a definite )
4. aches &pains go away
5. less need for OTC meds
6. eventually work on quitting smoking
7. less nausea and better digestion
8.better vision
9.better  quality of sleep

I hope to have more motivation, get more stuff done, be more active and alive, go outdoors more, walk more.I hope to have some definitive goals, and be able to actively work on them. For 2 weeks now, for instance, i have paid $100 on my CC balance and put $50 into my savings..i plan to put at least $20 in very week.

Eventually i want to be able to contribute more financially in household expenses, and know that i could survive on my own if i had to.

I've been experimenting with pot..its going ok, better than i thought..i just have to go slow..the hardest part is getting over the fear and paranoia..then letting the tension go in my body. Im still fighting these things.I definitely have to not take the lexapro( terrible side effects).I pray this next doctor can help me with my nerves and anxiety issues.

Thats all for now.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Struggling to Keep from Drowning

The last two days my ex has gotten desperate since i haven't responded to him in months..First he posted a threat to Scott..well , really he just "called him out" on Fb saying he was a piece of shit and still does acid. Then he proceeded to post a pic of a neck bruise i had sent him a few months ago and insinuated publicly that Scott had done that to me..he did not..It's complicated.

I sent 2 pics to craig on the night i flipped out on Scott over the second time i caught him watching porn and hiding  it..i got terribly drunk and was destroying laptops and other things..i was throwing chairs. Scott did push me down , but that was all and it was warranted because i was trying to hit him.I slipped and fell on the dining table.Anyway because i was out of control and angry- i sent pics of my injuries to Craig to piss Scott off. I did tell him(Craig) though that even though scott pushed me, the injuries were my fault. Now he is using those pics against me and scott.

Following all of this i contacted my brother and between him and scott i committed to not responding to Craig at all.It has made him escalate..he posted what i just wrote, then deleted it..Then later sent me a nasty text saying he wasn't done..basically because he somehow accessed a secret page i have where i vented my emotions to a small group of women i know..its my personal place to go when i cant vent anywhere else..its private and closed to the public..but somehow he found out..i deleted a few people on it, but still have no idea if theres a leak(troll) or he just somehow has been able to access my fb somehow.

It's hell living this way..knowing i can't even report him because she has some things over my head that could destroy me..for instance -losing my nursing license.Sex pics, past info, etc.So i sit here scared and panicked and frustrated.

what's worse is my brother questioning me about my part in the matter, as if i provoked this or deserved this.I explained the whole thing to him..i'm glad he is level headed and seems to ask questions but to constantly question my motives and action makes me upset and  i feel misunderstood.

Yes, i am guilty of continuing to trust Craig and go to him in times of desperation way too long after we split.I acknowledged that. But Craig and i discussed back in Oct. of 2014 that i would not be coming back to him or ever be in a relationship with him again..we would remain just friends and that is all..He took advantage of my trust and friendship, sending those pics to my BF and brother one night..that was august. At that point i told him i was done communicating and cut him off completely.This is what has come of it.

Lat week ( as i just posted) i committed to quit drinking. I am doing fine with that. I don't even miss it.It's going to be a long road as it is.I don't need these emotional upheavals and questions right now.

Note to self- October 7th-2015

The time has come..i know this..i must never drink again, not even a little.I cannot handle it or process it anymore. I don’t know what happened but my body and mind have changed.i made a huge mistake last night and drank a whole big bottle of wine plus some mixed drinks. i almost made some irreversible decisions and bad choices. I did, in fact, do many really stupid things. They are so painful to remember i don’t want to remember them. But the worst part is , again, i cannot remember half of the night at all. I blacked out.

Right now this is all i can think to do…write. Even after about 15 hours of sleep( disturbed sleep) i feel like crap.And in a few hours we are taking his mom to see a documentary at a theatre. I don't even know how i am going to make it throughout that then go to work as well.I feel like a zombie. My nerves are bad and my head is swimming. 

Thursday night i was having a hard time emotionally when i woke up. Scotts mom had decided not to come to our thanksgiving dinner because she wants to spend the time with her own family.For some reason, this really affected me. (that i found out in the morning before bed..i suppressed my feelings and said nothing to Scott) So when i woke i was already unstable. Then the dark cloud of mistrust over came me. I started dwelling on the porn thing. As i ran a few errands i was able to talk myself into a better place. When i got home i dressed up, fixed my hair and make up and planned on having a great evening . It  was not t be. I started drinking. The last thing i remember is a second game of trivia, then hours went by till i recall anything. The next memory is watching Tv with scott and getting pissed off at him for not making me something to eat. at some point i was upset because i thought we hadn't even had sex, when in fact we had sex twice .I cant remember either time. I do remember dancing. I remember pretending to call the police and report him. I remember calling crisis intervention.i remember looking at the clock and seeing 9;00 and thinking how could it be so light out at 9pm..when in fact it was 9am.i went to bed. Scott woke me about 2 . I was still a wreck, beating myself up for my behavior. i laid back down as he went out to run errands from 5p-730 or so.i couldn't sleep..i was scared and panicking.Even after he finally came up and held me and we slept together until he got up around 12am to come downstairs, i stayed in bed, waking frequently in a panic.I got up briefly at 5am and went back to bed. I got up at 10 am. Scott came down briefly. I told him I'm quitting drinking. He went back to bed and is still up there.

I lost 2 whole days. and i feel like today is gone also.I cant do this anymore. I just cant. there is no returns whatsoever anymore.It’s no longer fun. Theres no fun in it at all. I just drink too much and get out of control and don't remember much. when i do remember things, the reality is so dreadful i don't want to even get out of bed. I couldn't eat.In fact i didn’t eat hardly anything since sometime on thursday ( a small portion of a sandwich , most of which i trashed). about 1030 am today i ate 1/4 of a sub Scott bought for me.

I look back at all the things alcohol has robbed me of. A good marriage, my 401k and savings, a clear mind..and many other things. Oh how i wish i could go back in time and do it all over..what i wouldn’t give to be the person i was before i started drinking.Im sure i’d still have a good life, a stable one, and a clear head. I would've enjoyed my first grandson more. i would've accomplished so much.I would still have all that i had worked so hard for.

Now i have a second grandson.I want to enjoy them both. I want and need to be a better person.Not just for everyone else but for myself as well.In the past 6 weeks i had been making some progress.It was a real struggle..everyday. Trying not to dwell on the porn thing, trying to deal with financial and health frustrations, and dealing with my own mind. Everyday i was journalling even if just a little.I have been trying, and now i feel like i blew it all in one night.Why did i make such a stupid choice? i never should've gotten a big bottle..i cant control myself. I remember looking at that empty bottle last night and thinking how in the world could i have drank it all.And then made some mixed drinks on top of it.What a fool i am.

I am torn right now. I wish could sleep more but i cant, somewhat because i had coffee.I almost don't feel like attending this movie today but what would i do with that time anyway?Probably dwell and beat myself up.I need to get a turkey for thanksgiving today so we can store it in his moms freezer. I also don't feel like going to work, but i know getting out will help..and feeling like i have a purpose. Plus i desperately need the money.

I am so frustrated that i cant contribute financially here anymore.I am working on changing that. working regular 5 shift weeks will help, as well as canceling my gym membership, gallery space and lowering my car payments.additionally , i wont be spending $ on alcohol now.I have other plans.i want to change my cell carrier when the contract is up. i want to put $ in my savings and also pay off the credit card. But i need to figure out how to pay this huge hospital bill and do something about my health not sure what.I just know at least that with a clear mind i can deal with things better.

Part of my frustrations is not being able to tell anyone the whole truth, especially about Scotts business. The other part is trying to get over the porn thing and mistrust.So besides finances, I'm dealing with so much emotionally and don't know where to turn most of the time.I get to be a nightmare, and take it out on Scott. I know he was wrong, but he is trying. I was wrong also.I believe somewhat that this is my karma for hurting Jim.Again, so many thoughts still swirling in my head.

I truly hope this Lexapro helps me with the depression and anxiety. I am not so upset anymore that the doctor didnt give me zanax. Perhaps an SSRI is what i really do need.Ive been depressed all my life, but especially so the past 2 years.I constantly feel miserable and usually don't have any clue as to why.Why cant i just be happy and appreciate all i have?

I should probably try to lay down now again..and part of me thinks writing this was for nothing.I hope not.Maybe a nap will help.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Inspiration vs. Hope

Now, what is ridiculous about that definition is that 1-4 and #7 use the word itself as part of the definition-- wrong...not allowed!The only real effort put into that definition was #5- the theology.

Let's start with 

a.) a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul..

well now..this could entail many things. i personally feel sleep is probably MY #1 inspiration- when i can get it. This past week has , once again, screwed me on shut eye. And given the additional blessing of sinus /allergy issues..i don't feel too excited about using either my state of health as a tool for growth.

So i suppose i shall have to find a few more "inspirations"..let me see...positives, positives..ok..

1. i am still alive house is clean
3.i have food
4. i have a job
5.i have a car

nope...not about some quotes.. only live once , but if you do it right, once is enough
2.if opportunity doesn't knock, make a door
3.remind yourself that it's ok not to be perfect
4.fall seven times, stand up eight
5.Life begins at the end of your comfort zone( now this one i can live with)

Generally though, my issue here is that i am finding very little joy in life at the moment. I keep looking up, looking around, centering myself, trying again...nothing is working..Everything just feels like a big drag.

What i do have right now though is this:HOPE.

this is because i will be on week 3 of my diabolical plan to change my entire life, starting with how i react to scott, and how much i drink.
Firstly, i will explain my initial and ongoing "scott plan"-initially  i said to myself  "Self, just stop caring so much. Just walk away or change the subjectKeep everything neutral or make small talk. Never get upset, it's not worth it".Along the way i added " Self, let scott do whatever he wants, in the end, he will chose if he really wants it or not, or if he really wants YOU".So far, tis has worked very well..i haven't gotten upset even once..The times i almost did, i easily reigned it in with self talk and/or leaving the conversation.
Secondly, the drinking plan- i started only buying one small bottle to drink on my nights off...a time or 2 i have added a white russian..(or two..but usually only one) and it has helped tremendously with my emotions getting out of control. I have also been ( SLOWLY) experimenting with pot, in hopes that i can quit drinking totally and just do the getting high thing...its going very  slowly..but better than before.

Ive also been tasking a lot since i have the extra time when scott is ( always) gone.Plus he seems to like seeing me do lots of meaningless chores( like he does- not that they are bad, just not priority stuff)As i said though,, I've been battling sleeplessness and sinus stuff so its been a total struggle.

Additionally i have made it a point to go out with scott more( mexitaly, waterway, olive garden, etc..and soon we will be seeing Dracula live at York Little theater and thenHex Hollow with his mom  at the strand.

And ,now, for the latest..he just now tells me maybe i should be a phone sex worker..sigh..back to low self esteem:(

What is inspiration?

an inspiring or animating action or influence:
I cannot write poetry without inspiration.
something inspired, as an idea.
a result of inspired activity.
a thing or person that inspires.

  1. a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mindor soul.
  2. the divine quality of the writings or words of a person soinfluenced.
the drawing of air into the lungs; inhalation.
the act of inspiring; quality or state of being inspired.

courtesy of dictionary .com

well, i have to use their format if i copy and i'll restart on a new post, keeping this definition in mind. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Insomnia and Such

This past 3 day weekend was again calm..i drank only a little each night..I did almost over do it saturday and rested most of the day sunday but was still wiped out.The fact that there was no arguing is my touch point.

I've been doing well writing in my Baby Steps book each day, even if its just a few lines.Right now i am awake after once again thinking i'd sleep well. I worked last night,went to bed right away in the morning.Awoke at 1130 , took another half sleeping pill..did not 1215p i took half hit of pot, which relaxed me but didnt put me to 2pm i got up.This sucks..and  worse, Scott is still sleeping. Any other time he is up before me.So now i sit scrolling though Facebook and blogging, drinking coffee and smoking cigs all by my bored, worn out self.

I know if i could just get some good regular sleep my life would improve dramatically.But between insomnia, neck/back pain ,, and allergies..( not to mention night shift) i believe its a futile goal.

On another note, i have been doing well dealing with Scott. I have been doing lots of extra tasking, only talking about neutral subjects and making small talk, and not allowing myself to dwell on negative emotions.I got a lot accomplished and theres been no tension. So- i will take that as a measure of success.Baby steps. That's all I got.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Return to Calm

It was a pretty calm weekend..and for the first time in years i didn't wake with a hangover any of the 3 days off..yes, i had a few drinks...but very few..we actually went out to see a friend play at a local restaurant and saw several old friends there as well, the house stayed clean and tasks were completed..we even got to use our new fire pit last night on a beautiful starry evening.I spent 2 hours embroidering the project for Elijah( who is due this weekend).And i did not once check Scott's phone or laptop.I took all my supplements and meds and even got groceries so i was able to make some awesome meals.

Now tonight, back to work..a few negative things..although i slept well yesterday i went to bed last night at 2am and am awake at 11am ..not good for night shifters.Also,'s pretty discouraging that i get no paid vacation time. After an entire summer with most saturdays off and several full weeks off, now the vacation week off, i am feeling really discouraged about catching up on my bills and trying to start saving money again.All i can hope for is to be able to sell my car and trade in the truck ( so i have 4WD) and be able to work a steady 5 nights a week for awhile.

I haven't been concentrating as much on quitting smoking as i should be. But i did call a recommended counselor ( whom i have yet to actually get a hold of). The issue though now is , again, money. I went to the dentist thursday and found out i need 2 caps on my teeth..ugh..more money. This in addition to the doctor bill of $219 i have to pay.It seems like i'll never catch up.

Also, more drama with my ex. He has been continuing his stalking/spying behaviors.I have had to spend hours resting my privacy settings on Facebook and then making this blog private again.So far i haven't had to block him from emails or text, but will if necessary.He is truly day he is pining over me and wanting us back together, crying, etc..then next he gets irate about something and starts threatening and accusing . It's just too much to bear..I finally realized we cannot be "just friends".I have to cut it off entirely.

At any rate , i will try to remember the beach vacation( even though the weather sucked) We did have one good beach day. Sunny and relaxing. It's the positives sometimes that get me through.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Time is Twisty like the Wind

I havent posted for a bit because, honestly i kept thinking - "Damn, i know who reads these , who has access to them and also who will judge me for what i write." But after much consideration, i have decided i really don't care . It's my blog, it's always been my blog and if you don't like my private thoughts or whatever - Don't Go Looking For Them...enough said..

Now, to go on....i have been through a lot inside in the last month or so. It's really been a struggle to remain functional at all.I have felt betrayed and lost, useless, and unstable. The battle is uphill every single day. Sure, i do little things like have lunch with a friend or keep my grandson for a few hours.Or i research ways to cope online, or talk/chat with people to vent some.But that hasn't really resolved most things.

I have also felt pressured in so many ways to do things someone else's way- be this person, do this or that, accept things just because that's the way they feel, and/or behave as someone else wishes. And its not just one person, but several....all coming from different angles.

All i can really say is that i am trying. Some of the things i have been doing may seem small or insignificant but they are hurdles for me. For example- calling the dentist, doctor, or most other general calls- also including getting to appointments.Its stressful for me to do..mainly because i feel too depressed to deal with calls and to leave my house.i have even made my first attempt to call a counselor and looked up AA online meeting times- this is a huge step for me.

Today i started a small daily journal i am calling "baby steps", Where i can write down progress towards my many goals, triggers for things like smoking and anxiety, etc.It will take vigilance to remember to write in it.

Mostly i want to lay in bed and stare at the wall or sleep.I want my heart to stop palpitating all the time which scares me. I want to be able to trust people again.I want to feel strong and confident again.

I want to feel peace...deep inside i know no outside person is going to give me that..its all within myself..i just keep turning my back to that and ignoring all the work i have to do now.I don't even know what else to say at this time so , i'll just sign off.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Nursery Rhymes

When i wish on a  star
I wish it to take me far

Far away from all of this.
I see me walking in the mist

With my eyes open wide,
I bet there is no other side

Where i am happy
And alive..

Happy, .......and once again, alive.

Tonight i saw that shooting star.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

True story- Rats do live in the Ghetto

a few weeks ago, my partner and i decided to go out to eat at a not-so- dainty little place in the heart of the ghetto which serves very good food for the price you would pay for  shrimp fried rice in New Yorks Chinatown. Yup, i can get a great prime rib with all the trimmings(salad, mashed potatoes, etc) for about 7.99..and have leftovers. But as one might suspect , the atmosphere isn't what one would call desirable.

On the walls are decorations covered with the tarry coatings of one of the only establishments left that still allows smoking.They range from pre 70's plastic wall candle holders to randomly mixed plates-on -rack -of-some-sort, yellowed wallpaper, sub par chairs and tables.Other features include ashtrays, paper menus, and the smallest waiting area I've ever seen(stand up room only).We won't get into the bathrooms..although i do maintain that they ARE in fact, actually clean, and stocked.

This establishment only accepts cash- no checks, no credit or atm cards..The staff(or lack of it) is truly interesting.Some are friendly(barely) and others are downright indifferent or rude.

Did i say the prices are awesome? haha

So we enter and see no sign telling us to sit or wait, we don't see an open table so we , like clown fish, wander in and out , in and out..around tables then retreating to the waiting area one comes to greet us and we have to find a waitress .When we do she says(without looking up) "I have have to go back by the door and wait".ugh.

We wait several minutes, then seeing a few open tables start back the path at which point a different waitress cheerily says" you can sit wherever you like! i'll be right with you":)Hmmm.

We sit.We notice that as usual, its pretty darn busy..especially for a thursday evening. All around us are a variety of God's golden( and not so golden) creatures.Its like being a sardine in sardine hell.

At a certain point two very, very heavy women seat themselves at a table next to us.One is black, one is hispanic. Both look as if they just got in from the backstage area of Jerry Springer. Fake nails long enough to scratch the nether regions of T-rex, large style cell phone completely decked out in Ghetto rhinestones, somewhere around 3 sets of earrings per ear( large gold hoops), and purses they probably got at an online clearance auction of Paris Hiltons pre 1999 collection.

The weirdest and worst part , however , was the clothing. Now, mind you, these chics were heavy enough to tip the Titanic. So what does one chose to wear out to dinner at such glorious heights of obesity? Nothing less than halter tops and little vests to go over them, accentuated by matching stretch leggings and , of course, the latest style of sneakers. Wow.  Grossly between said top and bottom ensemble..the fleshly heaven of cellulite floated and rolled and jiggled and sagged for the delight of all dinners in the immediate area.

Ok..already i am having nausea, but not sure if its from the hunger( we have been waiting 20 minutes just to have our order taken) or the scenic view before me. Finally ,i spy one of the waitresses coming our way but at that last moment she is diverted, yes, none other than the baby mamma divas..
One actually ( in between texting and talking loudly on her cell for the past 5 minutes) reached out and grabbed the waitresses arm, and says (loudly)"hey we have been waiting for over 5 minutes for our order to be taken...we only want some sammiches"..ERMAGERD....and the waitress takes their order then finally comes to take ours...
another 15 minutes later..some of their food arrives..several bacon cheeseburgers(loaded) a piece some fries, and  large sodas. ok , fine ..we only ordered dinner faced beef sandwich and a broasted honey chicken platter..We didn't even get the salad bar.I am getting a tad pissed.

a few other tables that arrived only shortly before or after us are served as well..Finally we get our drinks, and some rolls.Next, the divas had apparently ALSO ordered stuff to go- some fried chicken and dessert, which they also got( in paper bags which they had to check through before leaving) . They stood up to leave the one started to complain about how long it took to get service here, blah blah blah.  Our food finally arrived ( cold) as the two left the establishment bumping every table and probably human elbow on their way out , chatting still on their cell phones and with each other about "what they gone make their man do when he get home".

What a freaking waste of life.Unfortunately they were speaking loud enough that i heard little tidbits about their kids( lord help them), their welfare checks being late, and where they got their last hair extensions done.

At this point , i am done.I work all week just to eat , pay rent and car payments. This is a treat - eating out..even if its only a cheap restaurant. All i want to do is simultaneously shoot bamboo rods throughout their spinal cords while ripping each fake nail off and shoving them elsewhere. But i am so astounded that life would allow these such creatures to reproduce..all i can do is giggle.

We take our leftovers out in stryofoam trays to the car and i say to Scott-"Did you see those girls who sat behind us?"
"Well, you should start praying because God just spared your eyes".
On my way home, i pray myself-thanking God he didn't give me a mother like that.


Savoring the Little Things

Yes, i used to be able to do this...and now i will endeavor to do so again.

Last night i was doing a lot of miscellaneous research online...odd topics..ionic silver, hippy communes, chronic pain syndrome, Lincoln Way(Clairton, PA)..etc..

I actually enjoyed myself and still was able to chat with my BF and work on needlework.In my research on CPS..i read over and over that many times it is psychosomatic/neurological/or psychological. I have all the symptoms so i started thinking about the ways they treat this which is multi-directional.Some said acupuncture, antidepressants, and occasionally pain meds.Some suggested medical/psychological combinations.Some said address each area separately.

I started thinking about that. Most of my pain started occurring this past year. Then i thought more deeply about when and the possible whys of it all.Yes, I've had some injuries, but as the articles described..CPS goes on long after the original injury is healed.Or the symptoms start for no particular reason and no one can pinpoint a cause.So i concentrated on that.

What i came up with is thinking about the last extended period of time that i was happy and pain free at the same time. Its was about 3 years or so ago when i first left my husband and was starting a new , totally different lifestyle. At that time i felt free, happy and excited about things.Like being able to cuss if i wanted, not feeling so insecure that in wasn't like my neighbors or church family, and dressing how i wanted. I no longer had to act like someone i wasn't. Delving deeper into that i finally came to the conclusion that if most of my current pain is psychological, how do i fix that?

Well one thing i did was force myself to relax. My whole body, my mind. Not sit around with the monkey-mind and stress. Guess what? It worked.

Usually i dread my whole ride home because my back gets so tight i can barely drive. It didnt today. Now, i don't claim that every tiny little pain and all the tightness went away. But i can say that it was about 80-90% relief.I expressed this when i got home to my BF.He agrees..relaxation can do wonders..too bad i cant smoke pot!

Anther thing i finally tried today was Breath-Right awesome.. instant relief...I cant believe i didn't try them before.

Now as i sit here at work another long night, i realize that i am still dealing with many underlying emotional issues which in turn are causing anxiety, stress, depression and all sorts of uglies.And what i need to do is just forget about them..turn off that channel and go munb for a while if i have to..or if i'm lucky find a more positive replacement. i know, i know...people say this kind of BS all the time..

I'm talking little things like focusing on a menial task or activity, going for a walk, mediatting on relaxing my body and mind that kind of crap..Hey, it worked for me before..way back when the little things still made me happy( like seeing a flock of hundreds of birds, using lollipops as coffee stirrers, watching the sunset or rise, noticing small items left along the side of the road). Yup, i used to be THAT person..

So once again i shall rise ..Welcome home, my inner Hippy:)

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Everyday I'm Hustlin' ( and 10 more secrets about me)

This particular blog is for two kinds of people: those who either want to get to know me better, or those already like or love me. But it's also for me.

You see, this blog isn't just any old's also my diary, my confidante, my venting area, and a reminder of the person i was and have become- at different times in my life. As i sometimes go back through and re read my own posts from years previous( yes, i somehow am entertained by that) i am able to gauge what has changed-for the better or for worse. Mostly i am in awe of myself at how much energy i seemed to use to have, how busy and full my life seemed( i think -"how did i do all this stuff all the time?")..which was also depressing..ugh..aging!
However , i noticed today that i MAY not be so bad and decrepit as i think..after all..every day i'm hustlin'!( caution- lots of foul language in the song)

Anyway- so here is my typical daily grind:

I work saturday through  wednesday 11p -7 i drive home( about an hour) , get in bed about 8-830. Preferably i wake at about 4-430p. It takes my brain about an hour to have my one cup of coffee, plus a cup of super antioxidant green tea with honey....i usually get on Facebook for a very brief time( to check messages etc) then check emails , texts , etc. Finally i will haul my tired ,old arse up to take a bath.

About two days a week i schedule tanning appointments for 630p and they usually coincide with the 2-3 days i get to the gym( afterwards). On other days i try to either get up before 4 to make phone calls to places that close at 5, or i have scheduled doctor /dentist appointments or any other appointments that come up to get to. On thursdays( my first night off) i usually try to NOT leave the house at all so i can drink a bit, relax& wind down, and

.Friday is typically recovery day. I keep my same work shift hours on my nights off. Somehow in "between-eth" all of this i try to fit in family( calling /emailing/etc)having my grandson over as much as possible, have friends over or attend something- ( art festival or some social outing) or get groceries , run errands, etc.

Its pretty exhausting. Especially working night shift.

So  to try to keep up ,i also have to remember to take all of my meds and supplements.I have recently started diatomaceous earth, and will be adding ionic silver also.I also take glucosamine chondroitin , a blood pressure med, and sometimes an antibiotic or an allergy med.If i have to leave the house, i split this up and take them in between preparing dinner, packing my lunch, housework, and getting other stuff ready for work( which i do almost everyday).

At 10 pm i leave to drive to work , and try to relax as much as possible in the car because my back is almost always in knots by this point, and driving makes it worse..Mostly i will try to take an OTC med for pain before i leave and/or use a heating pad, or the inversion table.These are my only relief measures really and they are only temporary.My back pain and sinus issues are the two most debilitating life issues i have.

When i get to work it takes about half hour - an hour to get everything in order that a nurse does, then i get online and do Facebooking again, do research, take care of bills and issues with bills etc. check my bank account,blog, etc. I am also currently working on a needle point project for my upcoming new grandson ( october) so i will work on this at night also, and chat with my BF.

I leave at home and it all begins again-( unless i have an early morning appointment as i sometimes do).

NOW- if you've stuck with me so far - you deserve the 10 additional secrets about me( updated from several years ago):

1. I had a traumatic experience when i was young in a corn field.I wandered in and got lost for hours- crying and distraught. Therefore i have a terrible phobia about corn fields( which i have to drive through every night ,during the season ,on my way to work- terrified). Watching Children of the Corn did not help matters.

2. I still cannot bring myself to throw away any wish bones, no matter how small. I still don't know why i do this.

3. Not really a secret here but just FYI- my most hated foods are: Bacon, Deer meat, Pop corn , and mushrooms, liver  and lemons.My favorites vary but mostly meats..and potatoes..Things have changed.I still love all kinds of squash though.

4.i have tried to quit smoking 4 times this year without success. But I'm not done trying yet.

5.I drop the f-bomb a lot..i really should work on remedying this. It's very unbecoming.

6.i am for gun control, against pot legalization( for odd reasons- not because its not an awesome drug for some, just not for me) ..i am a christian, i am polyamorous , and i am a blend of native american, italian, german and irish.I believe in civil unions, but not marriage for anyone who is not a christian .I drink, but don't do street/ illegal drugs. I smoke cigs but not pot.I am a painter/artist.Now how strangely combined can one person get?This actually barely scratches the surface..

7.I own multiple stuffed bears now and sleep with different ones at different times. I used to only own one (Travel bear- who has been with me for years) but now theres more. Also i truly do talk and communicate with my bears. They are very important to me.

8.The thing that can make me smile any time, even on the worst days is watching video clips of baby animals..usually playing or being awesomely cute)

9.It truly drives me nuts when people say "little-est or stupider/stupidest". I cringe, and sometimes get a flash headache.

10.DO NOT call me cute , ever. ......ever.

Ok - thats about now.....Enjoy putting eye drops in after reading all this...:)

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Eating Dirt and other new adventures of old Lovie

This was me ..Then.

There is a fine line when you start to want to "feel" better more than you want to "look" better. It's called the Age of Wisdom line.When it starts, nobody can really pin down. Mine started sometime this past year...i just didnt realize it until a few weeks ago.

My pain level had been increasing steadily over the year..many different types of pain- minor body aches, gastric /intestinal distress, headaches, memory loss and lack of focus...and of course the external -wrinkles, etc..Additionally i was getting depressed and my anxiety level had brought my blood pressure to a steady 150/90.

I tried many temporary fixes..abstaining from drinking except on my nights off..getting and keeping a full-time job,eating better,less coffee , more water, finally going to the doctor and dentist, getting to the gym, etc...And i guess each of these things in and of themselves helped..BUT.....

After finding out that a bad fall had fractured two of my ribs a few weeks ago and realizing i was unaware and just pushed through the pain to a point that caused a thoracic sprain( way more painful and long lasting by the way) i realized that all along i have just ignoring many many things..pain and otherwise...I have had many disguises..many cover ups and many lies to tell myself..pretending it was normal.

Whats really wrong is my heart and soul...i had been trying to uphold old standards( some from  way back in my 20's!) --about the way i look, how i should discipline myself, what i should and shouldn't love, like, or allow in my life.These things, as they say, no longer serve me.

What i need is a total life makeover...starting with the started by getting back to the basics...I'm eating dirt...daily.

Not just any dirt..diatomaceous earth...i am now on day 4..only taking half a tsp.( half the recommended) and i will increase to one full tsp per day next week.I am also considering ionic silver- but mostly that's used for illness. And this is just scratching the surface( no pun intended).

As far as my life- i need Art..i need to paint. It's a huge part of me.I am endeavoring to put more of my time and heart into it and re-evaluate how i can free up more time to make it a part of my life and hopefully sell more stuff..i want to cut back to only 4 nights a week...and that will take an effort to get the budget back in order...especially after 2 unexpected weeks off.

Over all..i need to feel good- -energy and pain free living are now my goals as opposed to looking like Barbie. I've even totally revamped my gym thinking- no longer trying to sculpt..i do a circuit style 2 days a week (lifting)..end with some brief cardio..and then if i go a 3rd day its all cardio.If i miss a workout..i walk..outdoors..30 minutes- an hour..

I have also freed my mind of many other ways of thinking..such as having to believe in and behave a a certain way to make others happy..the only time i'll be doing that is when i CHOSE and when i am at work.

My heart and soul need some attention...and as for that pic above..well...this one here below is me now...not too bad for 48, i'd say..:)

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Slumming it with the Seniors

After so much stress these past few weeks i have decided to write a much lighter post instead of the recent negative stuff.I really need to move forward with here goes:

This past Thursday i didnt want to have another big emotional blow out at home like usual on my nights off.  My first option to stay somewhere alone hadn't panned out so i decided to head out to see a friend 2 hours away.I had initially thought about going the weekend before but backed out due to an unstable emotional state and fear. It would have been a horrible mistake. However , this time i made sure to get all my ducks in a row before proceeding and it actually turned into quite the  adventure.

I first meet my friend halfway at a lovely little microbrewery/ restaurant...with a huge black concrete COW out front. Interesting place-good food, nice decor. The conversation went well so we decided to proceed with the tentative plans for me to stay overnite. As we leave , i am following in my car and sure enough we get separated. I pull over , we fail to re hook up  so i GPS the address and head up on my own. Mind you,i've never been to this place or even heard of this town- a tad unnerving and by this time it is 9 pm or so.

As i drive it starts to dawn on me that this place is almost in the middle of no where....bear country.It is dark, the roads are winding up and down throughout spooky mountains. Barely another car or soul to be seen.At one point while chatting briefly to my BFF i missed a turn..and no lie...i had gone maybe 50 feet passed the road when my GPS says"now entering unverified territories")

Great..i'm gonna get shot or or start hearing Banjos.

..i turn around and get back on track a little shaken.

I arrive at my "destination"(according to the GPS) finally( after passing numerous coal mining signs) and of course my "destination" is not to be seen. I can't even find the Sunoco we agreed to meet at, so once again i call .  We meet up..we find parking. .I ask which building it is. I am directed to look to a very large looming 16 floor building that is probably the towns epicenter of activity( a town with an area of 10 square  miles, i later find out,- 9.8 being land and 1.31water)

It is then that i realize how freaking far we are going to have to tote my overnight gear including snuggle bear, sleeping bag , a pillow and two larger bags with misc....Yeesh.

So we get to the building. I also realize now through conversation and observation that the majority of the residents are senior citizens or mentally retarded. Hmm. We get to the door, which opens up into a  tiny apartment.
When i say tiny, i mean government cheese and a monthly SSI check small...But here i am and its clean and smells ok, so...

Also i might add i was NOT prepared to have to go down to the patio via the stairs or elevator every time to smoke..i had assumed up until i got here that this was a private apartment in a small , maybe 3 story house with perhaps a private balcony..I was so far off the mark.This was more  like hotel living. Also , i am curious as to why my friend keeps telling me to wear my sandals, even when we are relaxing outside.

In spite of it all, we were allowed to drink out in the common patio area (not too bad) so i brought my wine bottle down .Never in a million years could i have predicted i would be happily spending the evening chatting away with senior citizens and mentally ill persons .It  wasn't what i had in mind for a relaxing night with a friend but turned out to be one of the most unusual and entertaining evenings i have had in a long time.

I met Gene- wheelchair bound 73 year old spitfire - lots of stories about his hospitalizations, the government and his partying days. Several other residents moved about but i don't really remember their names..all very pleasant..or pleasantly weird. I feel almost at home..This is almost like the arts community.

 At about the break of dawn we get back to the spartan room, and chat for bit, finish off the wine and before i retire i decide i'd like one more i don my robe and sandals, and head down the stairs recommended. i get to the first floor, see a janitor or two and ask for further directions and  make it to the patio.Several groups of residents i hadn't met were joined for breakfast or out smoking so i sat far away, quickly smoking and went back to find my way upstairs again.

Here's where it gets even weirder:

I get stopped by a man telling me the manager wants to talk to me..i ignore him and he says it several more times pointing me to the "office" where i see an older woman beckoning me.I am in NO mood since i do NOT live here and i am tired.. I say "sorry, but no...i am not going to be called into your office" i continue on, get to the elevator, to the room and my friend is absent now. friend comes back up a few minutes later and had been called down to speak to the management..apparently i had caused a SCANDLE by going out in my robe. Wow. I was astounded beyond belief. I mean, What the F*ck????Explain , please..

Ok , i now find out there is a rule that one may not wear "night ware" out side of their room..What is this? Kindergarten? A nazi Camp? No, this is government housing for low income, and apparently that gives them the right to make rules about what attire one may wear. Seriously, i was covered from my neck to my knees.Also i am told why i had to wear sandals-no bare feet. I could barely control my humor and sarcasm at this point.

Anyway, i sleep for a bit and come down in the a.m. to have coffee and a smoke ..of course i am now the topic of the entire building and apparently will be for the next month.

As i contemplate the my complete need for several more hours of sleep and the dreaded two hours drive home..i had to laugh- thinking-"How about that for a for a spontaneous thursday night get away?"...i think i did well.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Let's Talk

I have avoided writing for several days because things have been so stressful since the recent event. After many days of up and down emotions ..i spent most of my 4 days off doing almost nothing except being sick , angry, sad, and confused.I was fine all the way through wednesday- i was working, sleeping ..mostly maintaining my numb state.Then Thursday came and the following occurred:
I had planned my thursday night off to be alone and paint , maybe enjoy a movie and get to that i could get up the next day and go see houses with a  realtor. I had some tentative plans for visiting a friend Friday night..possibly even staying over.If not fri then that saturday i could go to a huge community yard sale and look for toys for my grandson.

Those plans may as well have been written with disappearing ink..I got home from a hair appointment and a short visit with a friend..i was pretty exhausted since i hadn't slept well the night(day) before.. i ate some mac and cheese and took a nap from 830p-10p..Got up , turned on some tunes, set up to paint and did so until about 1 am ,i believe ,out on the patio. Well, i was almost finished but it was getting so cold my fingers were numb.. i could not find a portable heater - it had been moved. So i had to text Scott to ask where it was..By the time he texted back i had already moved indoors. Since i moved indoors  then wanted to play music through my laptop onto speakers..Scott had left a 2 page typed out instruction sheet of the various ways things need to be hooked up to play cd's, dvd's ,vHS tapes , laptop to speakers, etc. etc,ect...i had been asking for this instruction list for months since it basically takes a PHD in technology to figure it  out without detailed instructions until you get used to the 4-5 components, cords, 5 remotes, etc..its has been pretty much a nightmare for me.

Anyway, i am able to follow these instructions until i get to the cord that used to be available to link the laptop to the soundboard  & speakers.So, again i have to call to ask where it is.He tells me, i  find it ..all is well..
Until about 3 am..
I was done painting and just wanted to watch a few episodes on dvd's of the Beverly Hillbillies so i could laugh to keep my spirits up ,..then get to bed. Well after 2 hours of trying to follow these instructions and getting no where and getting more upset ( as well as drinking more wine) i furiously texted him ( again)to come and help me. After all , pay my share of the bills..and being this helpless in my own home is pretty ridiculous. He kept trying to sway me form him coming and wanted me to follow instructions over text or by phone. I explained that NO..that was not going to work..i had tried and in the state i was currently in it definitely wasn't an option..

He kept insisting until i finally threatened to smash the TV. I figured if he didnt care about coming to help me for 10 minutes, maybe he would come save his precious TV.He had put me off for over half an hour so i pulled the Tv off the wall bracket laid it on the floor, pulled out the connecting cords .He had been warned. I didnt smash it..but bent a few connections on the connecting cords.In the mean time i felt somewhat satisfied but still angry and i got into the jacuzzi and just cried.Somehow during this time he made it over and texted that he had seen the TV..i got out now upset that he had come and not done anything to fix it or tell me he  was there.
However, when i got dried off..i found out he was , in fact still there..So of course we had  MAJOR blow out.
Additionally because i was totally pissed it by this point..he took it upon himself to call my pregnant daughter and mother of a 3 year old at 5 am or so and make it sound like i was a crazy lunatic and maybe she should come get me or something.I had no idea he called until i had gone to bed, locked the door and got a call from my daughter.. Again..i was truly insanely pissed..and rightly so.We were up until 10 am arguing.

 Needless to say the next few days did not go as planned and i basically was having a hard time even nerves causing IBS issues , the constant drama..took its toll..i cancelled everything. I barely remembered to turn my time slips in..i  ate less than i full meal TOTAL in 3 days time.Smoked like a chimney, drank  more, etc.

Finally, yesterday, we have talked a little and cleared the air as to make it more tolerable to co habitat for the next few months.Its not great..not even stable..but its a start.We are still going to stay officially separated and not a couple at this point..but try to compromise and work certain necessary issues out. All i can say is..i need prayers..Thanks>

Monday, May 18, 2015

Beauty and the Liar

Before you go thinking i am calling myself beautiful out of vanity. Take some time to read the whole post.

So, when i blogged was to admit failure, and to start over ..never giving up. I know i can do this. But on that very day the following unfolded.

I get up and come downstairs at 5pm. He had gotten up at about 430pm , he stated..He was on his usual.I thought nothing of it, this is our routine whether i like it or not.Anyway, eventually he comes to the table to talk and we re-hash the whole "home/house" thing. By 8:30pm..he decides we are ordering food and while he is out he will get me some claritin..Great.

While he is out i notice he has left his computer on..i go to shut it down and notice a second tab open besides the Facebook log in page(which he always logs out of) So i click on that tab and my whole world comes crashing down around me.The tab was open to a live web cam ..some girls porn web cam. I started looking further into it..thru his history and realized that he has been spending hours every single day on this stuff even though we have sex everyday, sometimes several times a day.
he has been doing it when i leave for work, before i get home and before i get out of bed in the afternoon..and not just web cams..all kinds of other shit that started to hit me like a brick.Like that fact that he never ever had his mail sent to our address.,he always has it sent to his mom's. even after all this time. and how the activities he has been telling me he spends time doing every night/morning just don't add up to the time it takes a normal person. The fact that he is always late and takes longer than anyone I've ever known to complete a few simple errands.For instance, when he left 830..his stops were to include only 2 things..a pizza shop 5 minutes away and a store 8 minutes away. He always has some excuse.This time he said the pharmacy wasn't open..Didnt matter, because even if that are true and he went to the next grocery store ..that one was only a few minutes way as well. what time did he get home? after 10pm.
I found out as well he has many email addresses, of course i have to wonder why someone needs more than one or two.But i couldn't access them- gee..wonder what i would've found there.
Too much.

On top of it all i had asked him several times during our relationship if he watched porn at all, because i said i would like to watch it with him. He said No..over and over and denied he watched it.Well, on that afternoon alone, in less than half an hour , he visited 20 different webcams, and about 5 other porn sites.And his history back to three weeks ago showed this was the case, several times a day, every day.

Now i know that men watch some porn every now and then, and i have absolutely no problem with it.But when u are lying about it, hiding it and doing it this excess, and have been doing so almost the entire relationship..i can't forgive that. Its deceitful, it's hurtful, its wrong. I have been completely honest with him about every thing- good bad and ugly.Because i'd rather be hurt with the truth than deceived with lies. If he had been upfront and open, maybe we could have had a chance to work this out. But when someone loses your trust, it's gone.Truth is the real beauty in anything.Lies are the ugliness.

All i can think is of all those times i was waiting waiting waiting for him t get home , what was he really doing? who was he really with?  Always an hour or two late- with either no explanation or a very weak one..

sigh..i will never ever get my happy ending..FML.

Friday, May 15, 2015

well, today is day 1 - again

i figured i would fail..but at least i can explain...I work full-time.All week i am physically sore and have nothing to take except over the counters stuff which barely ruches it. My bf and i have lots of tension, seems we disagree on almost everything, so we argue. Thursday has always been my day to binge drink and relax myself..although the repercussions have been great..including more intense arguing and the horrible next day hangover.
I had initially decided that i would go tanning and to the gym on thursdays to kills some time an dget out of the house to distract myself.Its the worst day for me.Then i would come home and have 1-2 glasses of wine and be done with it , go to bed.

I had planned on tat this week also(did it last week) BUT within 10 minutes of waking up my BF came home and started an argument with me because i had shown him to links to homes for sale that i wanted to look at. He was extremely unhappy with the homes, and especially the locations(one in manchester, one in york haven)Now, mind you, only MY name is going on the mortgage, we are not married and he doesn't have kids or grandkids. My decision has to be based on my life, not his and the fact that i am ultimately responsible for the mortgage, and have to be happy with the home.He can walk away anytime. We had discussed this before.

So he gets me all upset on my weakest, most difficult day.Not what i needed. I canceled my tan appointment , the gym and stayed home and drank and painted.I feel like shit today and missed out on going to yard sales to look for stuff for my grandson so he can play in the yard. Also didnt pick up brake parts for my car which i need for inspection by the end of the month.

This is really a struggle for me.Now i have to start over.I don't know how i am going to deal with days like yesterday..notice 2  thursdays ago was about the same shit.I have to find a way to have inner peace ....i'll keep trying..starting over...

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Technically- Day 12...

posting this morning , early a.m. about day 11..

Went to the gym, had no real side effects or issues with anything ..didnt think about alcohol at all but this isn't unusual on my work day week..i had gotten home in the morning very irritated with my BF (about him calling my Native American post"incendiary" "accusatory" and that it would cause others to be retaliatory against me and i would drive others away if i posted stuff like that-- yeah...sorry i didnt hear you- i was too busy watching the townes people light their torches- whatever)

Anyway, so i got up , took care of the IRS thing( another long , wretched story) and then went to the gym. I made a hair appointment and tanning appointments and when got home i got in the whirlpool and then made dinner, went to work...over all an average evening.

I can't say i will likely be posting everyday during my work week as it doesn't seem to be an issue for me to not drink at all then..It's only on my nights off- and as i stated i will be going out and doing things to keep myself occupied mostly then- like getting to the gym, hitting up yard sales and consignment shops for kid stuff, keeping my grandson as often as i can, cleaning etc.

Again, this is about not BINGE drinking for 30 days..which, truly, so far i haven't..i don't intend to give up a few glasses of wine on the nights off..or a mixed drink or something..this is only a test.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Day 10

I must here and now admit that on saturday night my resolve slipped and i did have 3 white russians:..i was in such great physical and anxiety/ pain, and nothing i took(tylenol, motrin, alieve, aspirin) nothing was touching it. i probably could have done without the 3rd drink but, i just went with it.
Nothing like honesty.
On the bright side , thursday and friday i did NOT binge drink. nd i was able to spend thursday evening at the gym and then at home with my partner, and we did not argue. Friday we went out and enjoyed the sunshine and i took him to see all the spots i grew up in in the southern part of the county. saturday we had my grandson and had a very lovely time.We played outside in the yard and on the patio with water, and in the jacuzzi.

Today i got up early  since my daughter was visiting for moms day , and then i went(alone) to the gym. I got a lot of much needed hoes work done and even cleaned out my car.

So things are getting and will get better.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Day 7

today is the hardest day..i have dreaded it all week. It is the first thursday i haven't binge drank in years.I will admit i had 6 oz of leftover white wine today after the gym. But i do not consider this a failure.It isn't the alcohol thats bad, it's how its used.

and, after all, even weight watchers allows a little chocolate once in a while.

A tiny bit of guilt lingers, but not much at all. My goal is no binge drinking for 30 days..not to be a tee totaler.Right now my nerves are flaming and my body hurts all over.This is difficult beyond imagining.I feel as though i have nothing to look forward to now on my days off. I suppose this is normal.

Yes, i know..i just need to change my thinking. Theres other good habits i can partake in to look forward some point, hopefully..but right's all i can do to not cry or scream..

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Day 6

My brain has been on fire since late in my shift last night..maybe its the nerve endings regenerating, maybe its the brain drying out process- who knows.All i know is it has been very difficult to sleep with the monkey mind and the increased awareness of physical pain. In many ways i realized this week that after i go to the gym i feel so much better- pain free, energized- all those endorphins and clarity of mind...this , so far, lasts a few hours each time.Then the pains creep back in, irritation rears it's ugly head, and exhaustion begins to turn into delusion and frustration.My brain and nerves under go attack.

I close my eyes but see only the things that unnerve and anger me,my mind questions all the things i have previously believed or was blinding myself to.As i truly begin this journey i want to assert here-THINGS ARE CHANGING.

In the coming days , not only will my friends, and facebook friends begin to see a new and different me..but also those in my immediate environment as well as my family. Perhaps they will be stunned, upset, happy, sad, shocked, or ultimately moved or inspired.I wish for them all whatever they wish for themselves..I am not in control of that nor do i have the energy to be burdened by trying to sort out their feelings and/or trying to please and appease.

What i have begun to feel is an awakening of sorts..not the kind that makes me smile either. The kind that will move me into a place/space of my own doing rather than one controlled by my fears, my environment, the media, other people and other outside factors.I intend to become who i was meant to be at this time in my life.

In this( my mental health at least) i will answer to no one.It is a day-to-day excruciating process- the realizations- about myself, about my choices, about my environment,about my own feelings are coming at me full speed. They are firing at me left and right, bombs are being dropped.It is very difficult to explain fully.

I will not apologize for finally trying to understand myself, and to make a better person out of this one. I may fail at times. But , truly, the enemy and the savior exist only in one place- OURSELVES.This was the first of my revelations and here is the second one-

Fear is the only enemy- i let that sink in.

Fear can create a lot of things- anger, hatred, apathy, violence, depression, withdrawal, insecurity..all of these and more..sometimes one leading to the other until there is a vicious cycle.But fear must not only be conquered, it must be harnessed, and used as a tool- for motivation, for positive change, and self examination.In that way, we defeat the enemy self and become our savior self.

I welcome the ones who will now say- perhaps she is losing her mind..because i say YES.I am. I am losing the mind ,by choice, that has not served me well and am busy creating one that will.

Sweet dreams!