Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Sex Shop & The Great Possum Massacre of 2014

Ok, before i get started on that title, let me just relay the most interesting evening i have had in a while.
First of all , my DAUGHTER asks me the other day if i would like to go with her to Ladies night at our local Excitement Video.
Ummmm...wow..ok...I ponder this and try to remember this is an invitation from a daughter who, only a few weeks ago, posted "i just vomited a little in my mouth" when i posted a serious scientific question about sexuality.
So, ok..i agree to go.
As i am driving there, kinda scheming and chuckling about how i can potentially embarrass her (its my life goal) i pull into the parking lot and it's packed . 
Omg.... I am starting to panic a little.After all, last time i was here i entered in daylight, wearing a hat and sunglasses, and only 3 other people were in the store. My mind conjures up what kind of perverts must be sitting in their cars watching who goes in and out.... and we all KNOW what they are doing below the level of their car window.
Ok, i see my daughter..i ask her "Why are there all these cars ?" She rolls her eyes and says"Duh, Mom, it's ladies night", as if i am supposed to know better.We walk to the entrance as I eye up the creepster hanging out suspiciously -in a suit and tie in front of the shop right next door..doing absolutely nothing of value.....pervert!
We get our raffle tickets from a heavy set, but pleasant punky looking woman and a tattooed man before we enter. The opens the door and ....

MY JAW DROPS.

There are about 100 women in there...i am dying of anxiety, especially noting that at least 20 of them are wearing nursing scrubs.

What if they recognize me?..what if they say "hi"?... what if ??.......my sweat glands are starting to go into over drive. Not only am i at a SEX STORE with my DAUGHTER...but i have to navigate around all these strange woman looking at sex toys as well and try to pick out something....pant , pant...

Next we hear the raffles being drawn...mind you i have only been there 5 minutes and have not yet adjusted at all.I just want to shrink into a corner and die..So, of course my raffle ticket number gets called...and of COURSE, its not just a simple prize i have won but i have to get into a MONEY BOOTH...

Jesus is surely trying to punish me...

I have never been in one of these wild-air -flowing- circulating- fake money machine things before.  i am quickly adorned by the staff with some oversized goggles and a tool belt from Lowes..."for my safety"... Panic rising ..what in the hell...
Anyway, as the crowd watches me, they turn this thing on and like a monkey in a cage for the first time trying to catch paper bananas..i make it through the 3-5 minutes, i guess,  come out winning $25...and some choice photos my daughter took of me.Lovely.

I peruse the store a little more, pick a few items...noting that my daughter is completely unphased by my choices. I'm still feeling very insecure.How could my child be less conservative than me? This is insane.At one point, we stood by a rack and i said"Hey, wonder what those things are?" without batting an eyelash she says"oh they are probably penis sleeves"....how many times can a person say what the fuck in their mind in one night? i think i hit that limit and beyond.

So we leave and i ponder this event during my entire drive home, still a bit shaken as i walk through my door with my bag of goodies, noting some additional "samples" that were placed in my bag during check out ( again- "what in the hell" is a touch ring?) But i've since recovered, and am here to tell this story. Next time, i will be more prepared.

Now about those possums...driving to work tonight ( i always go real slow on this one road because its so picturesque and beautiful- covered bridge, starry open skies, corn fields) i come upon 5-6 dead possums in the road...
Slaughtered obviously by a passing vehicle...Got to wondering if they were in the same family.If so, I imagine the scene may go something like this...

"Hey ... Dads playing dead agin in the road..I'm gonna go get him"...SPLAT.
"Hey Look, Sis is playing dead too..maybe it's a game- hey guys!"...SPLAT
"Hey mom, DaD and Sis are playing dead again in the road. Can I go play?"
"Sure"
"YAY!"..Splat..
....and so on.
Gotta be bad genes or something.


Peace out.



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