Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I am such a loser

These past few weeks i have been really down and depressed about many many things. Even though some things have gotten better the past few months i realize i have a long , long way to go before i even start to see the light. I have been very sick with some respiratory issue the past few weeks, even whilst on vacation. It's gotten even worse since i've been home. i also realized that i was extremely sick last year at this exact same time for over 3 weeks and am wondering if its the pollens and molds in the air this time of year that contribute to it in addition to the kids going back to school(more germs being passed around).

I have blogged intermittently these past few months about some much needed changes and have made a few..thanks to a 5 night a week usual work schedule i haven't drank as much as i normally was, keeping it to one sometimes two nights a week. i had started down the road of quitting smoking but have failed miserably. Thats been a huge stressor and depressing factor.It's like i KNOW i have no reason to do it, i quit for 9 whole years, and theres nothing good about it at all.I keep re-commiting to quitting and keep getting off track.Today i smoked 9 cigarettes. UGH.i have a freaking vaporizer, why can't i just quit????

Additionally i realize that i haven't gone to the gym hardly at all over the past 3 years, i don't even have a tan anymore, and i still do actually drink too much when i do drink. I feel like i just can't get myself together at all anymore, no matter how much i try..it's always short lived. I just can't stay focused.

When i re- read my blog from past years, i seemed like such a good, humorous, intelligent and together person.It's even more depressing to see how bad i have become. How could i have lost myself this way? and why can't i get her back?Man, even worse..what my children probably think of me at this point.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I keep seeing how many times i have failed in relationships and most of the time lately i feel like i am failing in this one as well.I know what i want, i just never seem to be able to have it. The man i am with does absolutely everything for me..pays the bills, does tremendous amounts of work around the house, never let's me suffer for anything i need. He is faithful and loving, a good man in general, i can hardly fault him. But i get very upset about his lack of being able to be on time for anything, and getting side tracked by a million things he needs to "do" all the time that takes precedence over our time together( even though i know most of the time its being done for our benefit).I also get really depressed because i don't feel like he is all that inspired or impressed by my art at all. I mean, he tells me i am very good at it..but there's other things that i need from him to feel as though he truly supports my endeavors and creativity.He does not seem to understand my "insane" need for him to be around me while i paint and actually pay attention to what i am doing.And, when i hear myself complaining about it, i understand how selfish it sounds.But it is truly a need for me to feel as though someone is really enjoying watching me create, and is inspired by it.In other words, i feel very very lonely when i paint around him..as if there's someone "there" but not there.Difficult to put into words.

I have been mulling over the past 3 years of my life and my choices that have led me down this awful road into a downward spiral. I really do try to see the positives..like charity work, expanding my creative efforts, and helping others. But i guess in the end, it doesn't feel like enough to make up for the bad.I have made terrible choices, even getting further away from God and not attending church at all.I rarely even pray anymore. Yes, I suck.

I wish this was a more positive post. It seemed like things were going to get better a few months ago and i was making progress, but now, it seems like i am just spinning my wheels and every new plan always fails.

Tonight, i am sitting home ,after being off work , on vacation, at my favorite spot in the whole world(Outer Banks)  and am losing another shift of work due to being sick. As if i need this right now. I so need to get my finances back on track, and having basically two weeks of no pay does not help.I had a plan- get a job, quit drinking, smoking, and trade my car in for a 4wd vehicle, then start saving $100 a week so i can rebuild my savings. I am failing.Not completely, but partially.

All i can do is keep trying, keep praying, and keep starting over everyday .God help me.

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