Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Emotional Emesis

It's amazing to me how my attitude can change just by getting outside of my own skull. Before i left the house for work tonight, i was all depressed and kind of resentful about a few things that had happened earlier in the day relating to work. As I sat in thought in the breezeway, my mind had a great venting post about how people tell you to do one thing , then later admonish you for it, how i just don't understand what people want from me when all i'm trying to do is do what i'm told/ do the right thing, how people outright lie and/or twist your words,  how peoples perception of things make it a truth for them whether it is true or not ,and how i just can't win.
I still find this to be in the back of my mind. It applies to not just work but pretty much everything- relationships of all kinds,raising children, even going to the doctors.
Sometimes when my mind gets in these modes i really wish i was right at my laptop and had time to express it all in my fury and rage. Seems like i have more spitfire in me at those times to rationalize and justify my feelings. But usually i tell myself i'll do it later and the fire dies down bit. That may be a good thing, but also, I usually lose the good argument points i had(poor memory).

One of things i do remember is that i was also feeling very much like every time i think i'm doing the right thing, being a good(person, employee, daughter, mother, etc) it seems like i get backlash for doing or not doing something. For instance, if i put off a family member to help someone in the community,i'm being a bad family member.If i follow policy at work many times it doesn't add up to being caring and sensitive to the people i take care of.I would go on & on, but i'd dig myself a hole and have to defend it again later.

All i really need to say is that Thank God i came to work, did part of my online training and have had time to cool off and get my mind straight. I know i don't need another round of arguments or bad feelings any time in my near future. I'll just concentrate on trying to get by and please people so they don't come down on me. Perhaps i should begin each conversation by asking what they want to hear first(Sorry, i know thats sarcasm). Anyway, theres the emotional update.Now that i've purged, i can get back to eating at the restaurant of life..yay.

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