Tuesday, May 27, 2014

LONG , and likely boring..(don't even bother reading-its all self talk)

I  know i should be happy..yes, i am leaving for Venice Beach thursday for 5 days..a music festival..and i have never been further west than Colorado.
Today i was informed that i won $750 from my nursing agencies corporate division for completing my compliance training early…i never even knew there was a prize for that..i guess it was chosen randomly.
I have a great guy who does everything possible to make me happy..and i can't complain one iota about him.
I have a place to live, a case i really love (and a family that really seems to like me), and i have made teeny tiny baby steps in the process of healing and mending my life, albeit with some failures.

But last night, the little guy i take care of had some issues.And i am feeling as though i didn't make the right decisions as a nurse. I should have called the doctor, or woken the mom.I was torn between many issues.

Being a pediatric home care nurse has a lot of pros and cons.
The pros being that you are usually appreciated and not just another  employee i.d. # who punches the time clock…you get to be part of a family…and its on on one..so not as much stress as the rat race of a facility.
The cons…having to make decisions on a day by day, hour by hour basis..sometimes with, but mostly without help, guidance or as many resources….Knowing at any minute, a family may stop liking you, blame you for something true or untrue,or that the family dynamics may change and drastically affect your work environment.

Sometimes..you get caught between what may be best for the child, but may ultimately get you dismissed from a case- finding yourself without employment - no notice.Other times, you follow what your agencies protocol is, even though it goes against every grain of your intuition, and you still can lose  the case.
I haven't yet lost this case. But the child was just admitted to the hospital tonight. I keep questioning my judgements, actions, decisions.

On top of it all, i am still very much worried about being around a certain social set..especially on this trip west.I am not quite sure i am able to blend with what most people would call normal society. I have been through so many transitions, so quickly these past two months, and i don't quite trust myself to be stable and acceptable.

I am exasperated at my failures in  my personal life,grieving about my years of relationship failures, my failures as a mom,daughter, friend, etc.
I am more frustrated now in my life than i have ever been..knowing i have so much to be grateful for, and yet i can't quite seem to get it together or be happy.
The worst part is, its mostly no ones fault but my own.
Yes, i have been abused. Yes, i have cancer. Yes I have had more trauma in my life than most.But is no excuse. I am a grown up and i should be able to pick myself up and move on. I know i can do these things..i just have had this monkey of depression and frustration on my back.
When when when will i be able to have a sense of joy or happiness again?

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