Wednesday, May 28, 2014

don't know what to say

About ready to give up. I see it happening all over again. I finally thought i had a steady case and i loved it. But things are looking bad. I am getting some very bad vibes that i may be, once agin , removed from a case.All i can say is, i try.I most likely did make a bad judgement call by not calling the doctor in the middle of the night when the little guy was starting to get sick. My quandary was that the family had just returned home from a camping trip and had been stating over & over how exhausted they were and needed some rest. I figured if i called the on call doctor (probably not the childs actual doctor) he/she would state to just bring him in to be seen.I did everything within my nursing judgement and orders that i felt i could.I couldn't quite pinpoint that he was actually sick or getting sick because he was up & down. Mainly, he looked ok, was alert and active but he did have a lot more alarms than usual. I was torn between thinking that if i over reacted the family would lose confidence in me to be able to care for their child without resorting to unnecessary panicking . I recalled last year when i woke a family up to take the child to the hospital that by the time we got there in the middle of the night, waking up everyone and worrying them, the baby turned out to be fine and dandy by the time we got there. It was an unnecessary trip, nothing was actually wrong. They did X-rays and probably cost the family not only sleep time but extra money for tests not covered by insurance.
In the morning( with this child) i gave both parents report plus the next nurse and then called my supervisor to update her. My supervisor made it very clear she was upset that i hadn't called the doctor.I tried to explain that the baby didn't show any other signs of illness and i treated every symptom (a brief period of wheezing with the PRN albuteral, which cleared it up, and some fussiness and discomfort during the  last hour with Tylenol).I did encourage the mom to have the baby seen, as she stated she would if the baby kept having issues that day.
I held him, suctioned his nose for congestion twice, sat right next to him when i wasn't holding him, i even held his hand and listened to his lungs and heart for 10-15 minutes at a time for any other irregularities. I took his temp 3 times, the room was very warm but he didn't have a fever.his responded to stimulation as usual. I just felt i couldn't justify making a fuss, that it could possibly be false alarms.
These pieces of equipment pick up on movement a lot of times and give false alarms.
Anyway, after he was admitted last night i haven't stopped berating myself. My supervisor was right, i should have just covered my but and called the doctor anyway. By the way…her and i don't get along very well..i always feel like she targets me for anything and everything.I have a deep seated feeling that when she called the family she probably suggested i be removed from the case since i made a poor judgement call… and perhaps convinced the family to dismiss me,….or maybe the agency itself is going to make that decision .It seems i can never do anything right in my supervisors eyes…and i think she is determined to make me look and feel bad.But thats strictly just opinion on my part, not fact..Yes, just a feeling.
I haven't heard exactly that i am being dismissed, but when i waited all day and didn't hear from her, i called and she was extremely short and cold with me. a bad sign.

Then my mom calls and tells me my grandmother has been started on morphine so will likely pas in the next day or so..while i am in California..great.. Why me?

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

LONG , and likely boring..(don't even bother reading-its all self talk)

I  know i should be happy..yes, i am leaving for Venice Beach thursday for 5 days..a music festival..and i have never been further west than Colorado.
Today i was informed that i won $750 from my nursing agencies corporate division for completing my compliance training early…i never even knew there was a prize for that..i guess it was chosen randomly.
I have a great guy who does everything possible to make me happy..and i can't complain one iota about him.
I have a place to live, a case i really love (and a family that really seems to like me), and i have made teeny tiny baby steps in the process of healing and mending my life, albeit with some failures.

But last night, the little guy i take care of had some issues.And i am feeling as though i didn't make the right decisions as a nurse. I should have called the doctor, or woken the mom.I was torn between many issues.

Being a pediatric home care nurse has a lot of pros and cons.
The pros being that you are usually appreciated and not just another  employee i.d. # who punches the time clock…you get to be part of a family…and its on on not as much stress as the rat race of a facility.
The cons…having to make decisions on a day by day, hour by hour basis..sometimes with, but mostly without help, guidance or as many resources….Knowing at any minute, a family may stop liking you, blame you for something true or untrue,or that the family dynamics may change and drastically affect your work environment. get caught between what may be best for the child, but may ultimately get you dismissed from a case- finding yourself without employment - no notice.Other times, you follow what your agencies protocol is, even though it goes against every grain of your intuition, and you still can lose  the case.
I haven't yet lost this case. But the child was just admitted to the hospital tonight. I keep questioning my judgements, actions, decisions.

On top of it all, i am still very much worried about being around a certain social set..especially on this trip west.I am not quite sure i am able to blend with what most people would call normal society. I have been through so many transitions, so quickly these past two months, and i don't quite trust myself to be stable and acceptable.

I am exasperated at my failures in  my personal life,grieving about my years of relationship failures, my failures as a mom,daughter, friend, etc.
I am more frustrated now in my life than i have ever been..knowing i have so much to be grateful for, and yet i can't quite seem to get it together or be happy.
The worst part is, its mostly no ones fault but my own.
Yes, i have been abused. Yes, i have cancer. Yes I have had more trauma in my life than most.But is no excuse. I am a grown up and i should be able to pick myself up and move on. I know i can do these things..i just have had this monkey of depression and frustration on my back.
When when when will i be able to have a sense of joy or happiness again?


Yes, that's right..i am having days of failure..i have been smoking more than i want to…and i drank 3 nights this weekend..where's the confessional?where are my hail mary beads?
I have noticed that i have only been using my electronic vaporizer when i leave the house, especially to go to work…so yes, i don't smoke in the car or at work for 8-10 hours.But i just can't seem to shake the addiction when i walk in the door.
As far as drinking..well, i was unexpectedly off for the weekend- the insurance wouldn't cover nursing while the family was camping. So had 3 nights of nothing to do and i drank, painted, visited friends, enjoyed my significant other.We even went for a walk at Chiques rock Monday.
BUT..i am so displeased with myself.
Why??? can't i shake these addictions?I mean, of course i can go without either when it comes to work..i can't smoke at work, and i sure as heck can't be hungover or drunk…so i can control myself for this. I just cannot seem to get a hold on it outside of that.
And ..lets talk about night shift..
Again, i am in the position where i cannot sleep during the day more than 4-5 hours when i am working nights. Its especially hard now that i am out of prescription sleeping pills.I feel like a zombie.
Plus i am still figuring out the protocols and policies of whom to call for when and what with these cases.It's night time.If its not a dire emergency, my feelings would be to call asap in the normal hours of the day time…but, no..i get reprimanded for doing that.So, i guess now i will just be calling Doctors and the agency at night and waking the parents for things.I never had these issues before.
It seems that i am cursed in everyday these days.
All i can do is pray, pray, pray...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Trials and Victories

Quick update:
Well monday evening i did wind up having a few(very little) glasses of wine. Iwas in a lot of pain all week and NOTHING was touching about 9pm i caved and had some-- tremendous relief….cancer pain is a bitch…
I have been trying many things to deal with the pain..heating pads, tons of OTC meds, stretching, etc…nothing works , except a bit of wine…sooo
I have decided that once a week i will allow myself a little to deal with that, as well as to open the creative centers of my mind for a few hours, relax and enjoy…BUT…definitely nothing like before. I haven't had any since…tomorrow night i am off, so i will indulge ….
My philosophy on this is: I am almost 50 years old. I am in great pain and have no way of knowing when any day will be my last. I do not want to spend my life in complete misery over something i can remedy, but can control with some discipline.It is my decision, and I really don't care what anyone else thinks..I have to live in tis body, and live my one else does.
At this point in time, I have been basically anti social for two months, staying out of social situations with the rare exception of having one friend over for a few hours just to chat.Because of all the transitions and decisions, the depression and anxiety related to them, i haven't felt comfortable being in crowds/public socializing.I have no idea how long this will last. I am even very apprehensive about venturing to this Venice Beach Music Festival next week for a 5 day vacation…because i know there will be crowds and people will be partying.
On a more normal and positive note, i have been eating much healthier still, taking a few supplements, got my hair trimmed nicely and have been doing a lot of much needed organization.I love the case i am at and the family loves me.
Let the healing begin:))

Monday, May 19, 2014

Weekly Winning

As of today, Monday :
1. it has been one week since my last drop of alcohol
2. I have finally gotten all my stuff moved(99.9%)
3. I have managed to keep a case
4. I actually like the case and the family likes me
5. I have been more focused and am hopefully getting better at expressing myself
6. I have been eating much healthier at work(veggies/fruits) as well as in my liquid diet all around- V-8, grapefruit juice, herbal teas, Kefir, and of course water
7. I finally was able to drive to and from work without using my GPS
8. I (with help) organized the office /living room area of the house.

Next up:this week
1.I haven't given up cigarettes fact have realized this past week i smoke more than i did the first few days with the Vape, but only at home…i still do not ever leave the house with a cig..only the vaporizer…but my plan is to limit myself to only 5 a day and NO MORE….then 4, 3, 2, 1,0… will be easier when scott quits and starts using a vaporizer, as well as when this supply of tobacco is completely gone.
2.I haven't been to the gym in two weeks or tanned- i have no time with my work schedule changes and sooo many appointments as well as moving, packing etc, mothers day….so i will go to the closest tanning salon and get a small package to be ready for California by the 29th
3.I will organize my art room
4. i will put away winter clothes, organize my current wardrobe and shoes.
5. I have a hair appointment on tues and plan to get at least 2" cut off so i can look more professional
6. my car gets inspected

Now if this is boring you, keep in mind I haven't been able to be this functional in a long time so it is quite an accomplishment for me.Daily life is still a struggle..I am battling sleep deprivation form working nights, striving to give up my vices, grieving over all the recent transitions, and almost crippled in my art work.So if you are yawning…eat my shorts!

Friday, May 16, 2014

A Very Trying Task

For the first time in several months I actually attempted to paint without drinking was worse than I imagined.My hands were shaking, i was anxious and it wouldn't go away, even after two and a half hours plus a half of the pill i take for occasional anxiety or insomnia(trazadone)…I may have gotten some of the two pieces done, but i am not at a ll happy with them.The lines aren't flowing and the texture isn't smooth…wow..what am i going to do?i haven't drank anything alcoholic for 4 days…

Yes, that's how it's going..I have been pacing, as usual in the evenings , wondering what to do with my time..especially on my nights off..i have been drinking loads of hot tea, grapefruit juice, V-8 and water. Last night i needed a project , so i decided to start retyping all of my poetry dating back to the late 80's..It did keep me busy, but not distracted.I also sorted tupperware, and a bunch of usual housework.Man, trying to quit smoking AND drinking simultaneously totally sucks.

Not to mention this is a week of chaos.I had to start packing up stuff all by myself on weds. which took about 6 hrs and created major back and neck pain.Then had a dentist appointment today, and tomorrow, after working night shift I will be back to packing because Saturday morning at 11 am, the movers will arrive.

Yup, then I go back into work Saturday night.

On a positive note: I did accomplish a lot more today than I have on many previous days.I actually went to Bistro 19 and switched out some of my art there, then to the studio set for a local tv show and switched out the art there(they use art as a backdrop), AND i went home and reordered much needed business cards(i use them to tag my work)…

I'll keep at it, let you all (if there is anyone out there) know when and if i fail and try to just keep moving forward:)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Winds of Change

After just writing a 7 page letter to myself, i am feeling the need to start blogging again on a regular basis.My hope is that it will help me heal from many of the recent events of my life. The number one goal for me right now is to quit drinking completely. I have already cut smoking back to 5-6 a day using my Vaporizer.Ultimately , i believe quitting drinking will help me quit smoking completely.
I say all this now because i have really reevaluated my life as of late and have realized that i need to make these changes most of all.They are destructive and are destroying me and my whole life.I won't write a 7 page blog about it, but perhaps over the next few weeks i'll report on my progress.
Some of the other goals include getting more exercise, eating healthier, keeping this job,and getting myself back to God.
I know this won't happen overnight..but i am determined.i want to get back myself and my life and hopefully that will begin to show up here as i heal and move forward..