Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tidal Changes

oh how things have changed…i have finally left the person who was making me so miserable..i've been out for about two months now..still, i have moments where i miss him dearly..but then i remind myself of all that he did, said ..how he treated me…and most of all the way he still does most of these things when we try to communicate…He is very up & down, i suspect he will never change..

In case i never mention this..he is an alcoholic…i have been living with an escalation of this for over two years, and have almost become an alcoholic myself.trying to cope with the stress and anxiety.

In the course of the two years or so we were together, my whole life changed and spiraled into a pit of despair- in every way. I lost(or gave up) everything- materially, spiritually, health-wise,etc.I came into it a Christian girl, who didn't curse, went to church every sunday.I didn't smoke, i didn't drink. I went to the gym faithfully 4 days a week.I had a great job.I ate very healthy, and had a well rounded life.

The reason i left a husband of 10 years was mainly loneliness-- he worked constantly and i hardly ever saw him.When we did see each other the conversation was short and dull..Never the less, i would take that back in a heartbeat over what became of this last relationship.MY husband was a good man- he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs..he was a great provider and truly cared about me, my health, and made sure i was always , always taken care of.I should have stuck it out, but i followed my heart instead of my head.

Of course, i can't blame this last one completely..i allowed myself to make bad choices..I am an adult..i am responsible for my actions.I just never foresaw how ugly it would become.

At this time, i will only state that i have been pursuing a relationship with another man who has been a wonderful friend( prior to this, to BOTH of us)…He has been taking excellent care of me, helping, comforting and supporting me. He is a brilliant musician and yet still  has a regular job and makes a decent living.He is awesome to talk to, funny, and intelligent.He has never been married, no kids, takes good care of his mom, and has an excellent reputation in the community…everyone likes him.

so far, so good…

The thing i am most anxious about right now is not having work..i keep trying and trying, but for some reason, nothings worked out.It seems my personality need adjusted…and heres a big deal today- i just decided to quit smoking..finally and again.Today i got a vaporizer to start vamping.I am excited, and scared. But i know i can do this. I quit for 9 years before.I could kick myself 1000 times for re-starting. But now theres a chance …

Also i have begun getting back into the gym, twice a week for now..but its a start.

I am spending more time with my family, getting to know my grandson.I feel like i may just have a future again.

Its a process , like everything else..slow and steady wins the race. Next i have to deal with my drinking issue…I only drink wine, but to be honest i drink too much of it. My plan was to have the job in place to motivate me..i never drink when i have to work..but the issue has been a lack of employment.

All i can say is i am trying..trying to make it all better….

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