Monday, November 3, 2014

Need some Rainbows

Not sure i can be what everyone/ anyone wants me to be..i can barely be myself, and when i do it seems everyone gets offended. I am to the point of giving up and just saying to hell with everyone, and locking myself away. All i would do is work , sleep and paint and not have to answer to anyone but myself.
Why , i wonder, is it ...that at age 47, i still don't get to chose who and what i want to be? I waited a lifetime to be able to make my own choices, not have to worry about the responsibility of raising kids( now that they are on their own). I worked hard to put myself through school and get where i am. I have worked very hard to keep my credit clean.
I have made some mistakes along the way. Many in fact. I have made some bad choices, some difficult ones as well as some good ones.Who hasn't?
 And yet...i still get reprimanded as if i am 10 years old and do not know how to behave or speak .It not just one person -constantly wanting more than what i have to give, and wanting me to be someone i can't be. It never seems to end.
Not even sure what to do about it.
In fact, i am sure i'll even hear it about this post..some how someone will take it personally and be offended..when i really just need to be able to say my peace..i swear i need some peace and understanding, acceptance, and tolerance.But i suppose that will never happen.i hope soon ,someone sends me a miracle..or at least a rainbow.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

This is only a poem- so don't Shat

Not sure i want to paint today
The flower petals have all turned black
And i want to jump into the leaves and let myself
Be smothered

I am a sexual Dr. Frankenstien,, trying
To sew together pieces of what makes sense.
I exist in this house of emotional ruin
Seeing how the dead exists with the living

This mirror- This smoky grey blackness
Reflects something that bleats and moans
Scratching the dirt walls to get out
but, never quite making it at the end of the dream

I have been labeled
Along with "Goddess" and "Angel"
What of it?

When i wash my halo and horns at night
I think only of the new day
And how to still wander this earth
As owner of both.

The Sex Shop & The Great Possum Massacre of 2014

Ok, before i get started on that title, let me just relay the most interesting evening i have had in a while.
First of all , my DAUGHTER asks me the other day if i would like to go with her to Ladies night at our local Excitement Video. ponder this and try to remember this is an invitation from a daughter who, only a few weeks ago, posted "i just vomited a little in my mouth" when i posted a serious scientific question about sexuality.
So, ok..i agree to go.
As i am driving there, kinda scheming and chuckling about how i can potentially embarrass her (its my life goal) i pull into the parking lot and it's packed . 
Omg.... I am starting to panic a little.After all, last time i was here i entered in daylight, wearing a hat and sunglasses, and only 3 other people were in the store. My mind conjures up what kind of perverts must be sitting in their cars watching who goes in and out.... and we all KNOW what they are doing below the level of their car window.
Ok, i see my daughter..i ask her "Why are there all these cars ?" She rolls her eyes and says"Duh, Mom, it's ladies night", as if i am supposed to know better.We walk to the entrance as I eye up the creepster hanging out suspiciously -in a suit and tie in front of the shop right next door..doing absolutely nothing of value.....pervert!
We get our raffle tickets from a heavy set, but pleasant punky looking woman and a tattooed man before we enter. The opens the door and ....


There are about 100 women in there...i am dying of anxiety, especially noting that at least 20 of them are wearing nursing scrubs.

What if they recognize me?..what if they say "hi"?... what if ?? sweat glands are starting to go into over drive. Not only am i at a SEX STORE with my DAUGHTER...but i have to navigate around all these strange woman looking at sex toys as well and try to pick out something....pant , pant...

Next we hear the raffles being drawn...mind you i have only been there 5 minutes and have not yet adjusted at all.I just want to shrink into a corner and die..So, of course my raffle ticket number gets called...and of COURSE, its not just a simple prize i have won but i have to get into a MONEY BOOTH...

Jesus is surely trying to punish me...

I have never been in one of these wild-air -flowing- circulating- fake money machine things before.  i am quickly adorned by the staff with some oversized goggles and a tool belt from Lowes..."for my safety"... Panic rising ..what in the hell...
Anyway, as the crowd watches me, they turn this thing on and like a monkey in a cage for the first time trying to catch paper bananas..i make it through the 3-5 minutes, i guess,  come out winning $25...and some choice photos my daughter took of me.Lovely.

I peruse the store a little more, pick a few items...noting that my daughter is completely unphased by my choices. I'm still feeling very insecure.How could my child be less conservative than me? This is insane.At one point, we stood by a rack and i said"Hey, wonder what those things are?" without batting an eyelash she says"oh they are probably penis sleeves" many times can a person say what the fuck in their mind in one night? i think i hit that limit and beyond.

So we leave and i ponder this event during my entire drive home, still a bit shaken as i walk through my door with my bag of goodies, noting some additional "samples" that were placed in my bag during check out ( again- "what in the hell" is a touch ring?) But i've since recovered, and am here to tell this story. Next time, i will be more prepared.

Now about those possums...driving to work tonight ( i always go real slow on this one road because its so picturesque and beautiful- covered bridge, starry open skies, corn fields) i come upon 5-6 dead possums in the road...
Slaughtered obviously by a passing vehicle...Got to wondering if they were in the same family.If so, I imagine the scene may go something like this...

"Hey ... Dads playing dead agin in the road..I'm gonna go get him"...SPLAT.
"Hey Look, Sis is playing dead too..maybe it's a game- hey guys!"...SPLAT
"Hey mom, DaD and Sis are playing dead again in the road. Can I go play?"
....and so on.
Gotta be bad genes or something.

Peace out.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I am such a loser

These past few weeks i have been really down and depressed about many many things. Even though some things have gotten better the past few months i realize i have a long , long way to go before i even start to see the light. I have been very sick with some respiratory issue the past few weeks, even whilst on vacation. It's gotten even worse since i've been home. i also realized that i was extremely sick last year at this exact same time for over 3 weeks and am wondering if its the pollens and molds in the air this time of year that contribute to it in addition to the kids going back to school(more germs being passed around).

I have blogged intermittently these past few months about some much needed changes and have made a few..thanks to a 5 night a week usual work schedule i haven't drank as much as i normally was, keeping it to one sometimes two nights a week. i had started down the road of quitting smoking but have failed miserably. Thats been a huge stressor and depressing factor.It's like i KNOW i have no reason to do it, i quit for 9 whole years, and theres nothing good about it at all.I keep re-commiting to quitting and keep getting off track.Today i smoked 9 cigarettes. UGH.i have a freaking vaporizer, why can't i just quit????

Additionally i realize that i haven't gone to the gym hardly at all over the past 3 years, i don't even have a tan anymore, and i still do actually drink too much when i do drink. I feel like i just can't get myself together at all anymore, no matter how much i's always short lived. I just can't stay focused.

When i re- read my blog from past years, i seemed like such a good, humorous, intelligent and together person.It's even more depressing to see how bad i have become. How could i have lost myself this way? and why can't i get her back?Man, even worse..what my children probably think of me at this point.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I keep seeing how many times i have failed in relationships and most of the time lately i feel like i am failing in this one as well.I know what i want, i just never seem to be able to have it. The man i am with does absolutely everything for me..pays the bills, does tremendous amounts of work around the house, never let's me suffer for anything i need. He is faithful and loving, a good man in general, i can hardly fault him. But i get very upset about his lack of being able to be on time for anything, and getting side tracked by a million things he needs to "do" all the time that takes precedence over our time together( even though i know most of the time its being done for our benefit).I also get really depressed because i don't feel like he is all that inspired or impressed by my art at all. I mean, he tells me i am very good at it..but there's other things that i need from him to feel as though he truly supports my endeavors and creativity.He does not seem to understand my "insane" need for him to be around me while i paint and actually pay attention to what i am doing.And, when i hear myself complaining about it, i understand how selfish it sounds.But it is truly a need for me to feel as though someone is really enjoying watching me create, and is inspired by it.In other words, i feel very very lonely when i paint around if there's someone "there" but not there.Difficult to put into words.

I have been mulling over the past 3 years of my life and my choices that have led me down this awful road into a downward spiral. I really do try to see the charity work, expanding my creative efforts, and helping others. But i guess in the end, it doesn't feel like enough to make up for the bad.I have made terrible choices, even getting further away from God and not attending church at all.I rarely even pray anymore. Yes, I suck.

I wish this was a more positive post. It seemed like things were going to get better a few months ago and i was making progress, but now, it seems like i am just spinning my wheels and every new plan always fails.

Tonight, i am sitting home ,after being off work , on vacation, at my favorite spot in the whole world(Outer Banks)  and am losing another shift of work due to being sick. As if i need this right now. I so need to get my finances back on track, and having basically two weeks of no pay does not help.I had a plan- get a job, quit drinking, smoking, and trade my car in for a 4wd vehicle, then start saving $100 a week so i can rebuild my savings. I am failing.Not completely, but partially.

All i can do is keep trying, keep praying, and keep starting over everyday .God help me.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Dragon

The Dragon has long teeth
The Dragon is merciless
He see the world as his own and
He means to take it that way

When you ride the silent burning embers of the night
You ride with caution
And quietly lay yourself on his back

In this way you see the world sufficiently
You learn not to expect
Your stomach is full of the mind
And your feet cease to exist

Because, or there a "because"
You always question but accept all the answers
And you try to decide
if the ride is worth he price

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Battleground is being Prepared

due to the content of my day, i am writing to get out and release some of my feelings here..this is a simple purge of emotions, no real resolutions.
For some reason today, the deities of deep thought and philosophy/soul searching have laid their hands on my head.This morning a verbal/written battle began.I acted and reacted, prompting some real focus on both the determination of the whys , hows, and whats of recent events(meaning back to several years ago, and up to the current day).
I found several articles and began to peruse them, basically in the first hour seeing them through my own eyes, then seeing them through others eyes and applying them to myself.
I ran across articles on defense mechanisms, DARVO, etc. Denial definitions seemed to hit me the most at the end of it all.
At first , trying to understand the behavior patterns of someone else prompted me to look up said defense mechanisms and place a label on their behavior in an effort to learn how to best deal with them.I found what i was looking for then,in Wikipedia, a definition of defense mechanisms, and i added my thought on what purposes they served on social media.Then i found the actual term for people who use these certain mechanisms in the form of self -serving posts meant to elicit sympathy and validate one positions, there by feeding the ego like the hungry dog it is.
Next , i ran into DARVO…my most exciting discovery yet..i have rread and re read this article at least 10 times tonight..DELIGHTING in the fact that after all this time , i finally have a way to describe to others what i have been through for the past two years.Let me insert a small part of it here:

“DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, (sic), may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of “falsely accused” and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”-Dr. Jennifer Freyd

“It is important to distinguish types of denial, for an innocent person will probably deny a false accusation. Thus denial is not evidence of guilt. However, I propose that a certain kind of indignant self-righteousness, and overly stated denial, may in fact relate to guilt.
I hypothesize that if an accusation is true, and the accused person is abusive, the denial is more indignant, self-righteous and manipulative, as compared with denial in other cases. Similarly, I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior."also Dr. Jennifer Freyd
And here's the link to the entire article if anyones interested

It speaks so well to exactly the behavior pattern of some (not just one, but mainly one) of my exes.And i couldn't explain it to other people.It took too long, but now i have the actual term for it- they can look it up.
Next, i went into wikipedia again and looked at defense mechanisms.
Redaing through the list the most interesting thing was the different types of "denial" there are.While initially i didn't understand the depth of it, now i have a better insight. Again , here's a small expert:

Denial of fact[edit]

In this form of denial, someone avoids a fact by utilizing deception. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yessing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies to avoid facts they think may be painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility[edit]

This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by:
  • blaming: a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact
  • minimizing: an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be, or
  • justifying: when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation.
  • regression: when someone acts in a way unbecoming of their age (e.g. whining, temper tantrum, etc.)[6]
Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.
For example:
Troy breaks up with his girlfriend because he is unable to control his anger, and then blames her for everything that ever happened.

Denial of denial[edit]

This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.[8][9

at the end , i did also begin to look at my own defense mechanisms.I realized i had actually LEARNED to apply some  of the above myself as a result of being with someone who used these tactic on me chronically.I actually started to fight back using the same techniques after a prolonged exposure.So now i am in recovery, i need to unlearn bad habits and drop off the baggage before it affects the rest of my life and relationships. I truly hope this other person does also, although i doubt life long habits will go away, where as mine have been only a temporary coping mechanism.
sorry , so long..thanks for reading:)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Emotional Emesis

It's amazing to me how my attitude can change just by getting outside of my own skull. Before i left the house for work tonight, i was all depressed and kind of resentful about a few things that had happened earlier in the day relating to work. As I sat in thought in the breezeway, my mind had a great venting post about how people tell you to do one thing , then later admonish you for it, how i just don't understand what people want from me when all i'm trying to do is do what i'm told/ do the right thing, how people outright lie and/or twist your words,  how peoples perception of things make it a truth for them whether it is true or not ,and how i just can't win.
I still find this to be in the back of my mind. It applies to not just work but pretty much everything- relationships of all kinds,raising children, even going to the doctors.
Sometimes when my mind gets in these modes i really wish i was right at my laptop and had time to express it all in my fury and rage. Seems like i have more spitfire in me at those times to rationalize and justify my feelings. But usually i tell myself i'll do it later and the fire dies down bit. That may be a good thing, but also, I usually lose the good argument points i had(poor memory).

One of things i do remember is that i was also feeling very much like every time i think i'm doing the right thing, being a good(person, employee, daughter, mother, etc) it seems like i get backlash for doing or not doing something. For instance, if i put off a family member to help someone in the community,i'm being a bad family member.If i follow policy at work many times it doesn't add up to being caring and sensitive to the people i take care of.I would go on & on, but i'd dig myself a hole and have to defend it again later.

All i really need to say is that Thank God i came to work, did part of my online training and have had time to cool off and get my mind straight. I know i don't need another round of arguments or bad feelings any time in my near future. I'll just concentrate on trying to get by and please people so they don't come down on me. Perhaps i should begin each conversation by asking what they want to hear first(Sorry, i know thats sarcasm). Anyway, theres the emotional update.Now that i've purged, i can get back to eating at the restaurant of life..yay.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Freedom to Roam without Reprise

The last few day have been interesting and amazing. My life has been peaceful and full of blessings. Financially, i have had several unexpected windfalls.I have started a new blog..(if i can ever get it up and running) and i and very happy with some new developments. I wish I had the freedom, however, in this format to go into detail. But there are several readers I would not feel comfortable with reading those epiphanies.
Let me just say , I have ventured down a new road in my personal life which is unbelievably exhilarating and freeing.I have never known such peace in this way.
Other than that, i am actually coming to closure on some other areas, and focusing on a future that seems promising.
Right now, in this moment, i have nothing but peace:))

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Yin Yang

When i got home this morning i was dead tired, almost wrecking on my way home. I knew i had to get to bed right away as i had a doctor appt at 330, requiring me to rise at 1pm.I slept horribly, waking every hour or so- my nose stuffy or some noise, movement, etc. Finally i got up 3 minutes before my alarm went off.
I groggily made my way to the kitchen, bumbled through making coffee( yeah, even though it was a keurig, i was THAT tired). I get online and see smart comments on a post from someone that were completely unjustified.I felt like crap.

But as i was wallowing in misery, i got a call and found out 6 of the 12 pieces i just hung at a wine gallery saturday had sold! and, even better, to a fairly prominent person in the community who gushed to me on the phone about my work! I was so unprepared i thought i was possibly dreaming.

Anyway, i hd a somewhat negative text conversation with someone , then left to the perils of driving to my doctors on almost no sleep for 24 hrs. I arrived half an hour early.The good thing was that i was able to get in and out before my actual appointment time even started and had no issue getting the script that i needed for insomnia.

I drove in a trance homeward, stopping at the pharmacy who had received the script over an hour prior. I was so close to being able to get home to nap before work. Well, as it turns out it took me longer in the pharmacy than the doctors..i waited 40 minutes for the script..ugh..i almost fell asleep in the chair.
So i get home , it's 5pm…i get into bed and cannot sleep again. I didn't want to take a pill because i only had about 3-4 hrs til i had to get up and wanted to feel refreshed.Not happening. I started coughing and getting a sore throat. i slept less than 40 minutes the entire 4 hrs.

Now i am at work. Driving here was a task in my delirious state. I am stuck wearing a mask so as not to  spread my germs.And find out the parents won't know til friday if they are going camping or not so i don't know if i'm going to be off saturday thru tues.

On the other hand, the baby is sleeping quietly for the 4th night in a row and i am grateful for that.

and this has been the balancing of my life lately..up, down, up, down.

AT least i think its slowly going in my favor:)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Venice Beach

Here's a view from the beach..beautiful, lots of sailboats, clean…not to overcrowded..but very windy.
And the run down of how our time went:
1. Thursday-In spite of all the rushing around at the last minute , we actually made it to the airport for a 1pm departure fight…while we are there and waiting to board, my mom calls to tell me my grandmother has passed.
Our flight was pretty cool..i got to sit at the window from Cinncinati to Los Angeles and viewed the beautiful mountains and deserts below.
When we arrived , a friend picked us up and drove us to our motel..a very nice guy- old Hippy type, and a childhood friend of my boyfriend.We met his wife and 3 year old daughter on the way.
The motel was sadly lacking in a great many amenities including room to move, hot water, air conditioning and a bathtub. We stayed the night and decided to check out in the boring if possible.
The board walk was cool…many varieties of people and art..but lots more homeless people than i expected
2. Friday- we check into a new, much better hotel..Thank GOD!.We spent the day checking out the area, the boardwalk, the eateries, etc.We did a lot of walking. Also got some groceries for our room, and did some misc. shopping.
3. Saturday- The all day Arts & music Festival ensued..a great variety of music and very well put together for all age groups and tastes.Very tired in the evening but attempted to attend an after party..we left when we discovered our host was no longer there.
4. Sunday, spent the day on the beach with the friends…nice day, a bit windy.But enjoyable.
5. Monday-scheduled to leave on a noon flight, missed it due to a taxi/traffic dilemma and had to wait for the Red eye flight 12 hrs later..spent time on the beach again ,but extremely cold and windy this time..then a nice dinner with friends and dropped at the airport at 9m
6. Arrived at BWI at 9am , drove to my grandmothers viewing (arrived about 11am) then home to sleep a few hours before my night shift.
Yup I know this was pretty boring but basically i just wanted to remind myself how things went…Back to work...

Many Yins and Yangs

My vacation to Venice Beach  started out with my pre-emptive thoughts about my job, and a foreboding of the death of my grandmother.At the same time i had won $750, unexpectedly.Getting back this week, i find that i still actually DO have a job, and the case i adore..poor little guy only had a cold after all.But - my me mom did pass away. I barely made it to the viewing as we had missed our first flight home and had to wait about 12 hrs for the Red eye flight. I was a complete zombie, and couldn't stay for the funeral because i had to sleep for my nightshift.
When i get online tonight at work here, i notice that my ex who is a roller coaster emotionally, had block me on Facebook because he claims he can no longer take seeing pictures of me and my new guy. Geeze, after he had just liked, commented and posted about several women he wants to date…i can ignore that. But, what really bothers me is just when i am thinking he is past all this,and i think we can move forward as friends, he does something irrational.I'm not really even that upset, but it is a bit baffling.
Another thing i read on Facebook kinda shocked me too.A girl I really thought i liked went on a negative rant about a place many many people enjoy going to on First Friday here.Since she dates/sees a musician herself and had been in the artsy scene for a while, i never would have thought she had that sort of immaturity to her…truly..its sounded like a personal attack over something that was "personally" done to her alone. I have never heard any negativity about this particular venue.

Anyway, here i am at work…the little guy is sleeping pretty well…coughing a bit, but so far so good..crossing my fingers. Truly I am in shock still that i still have this case, and very relieved.I was really sure I was going to be dismissed. But I can only believe God heard all my prayers…and here i am:)

I'm going to do a separate post now about my ventures out at Venice beach…just wanted a to add some personal notes to clear my head and focus first…namaste.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

don't know what to say

About ready to give up. I see it happening all over again. I finally thought i had a steady case and i loved it. But things are looking bad. I am getting some very bad vibes that i may be, once agin , removed from a case.All i can say is, i try.I most likely did make a bad judgement call by not calling the doctor in the middle of the night when the little guy was starting to get sick. My quandary was that the family had just returned home from a camping trip and had been stating over & over how exhausted they were and needed some rest. I figured if i called the on call doctor (probably not the childs actual doctor) he/she would state to just bring him in to be seen.I did everything within my nursing judgement and orders that i felt i could.I couldn't quite pinpoint that he was actually sick or getting sick because he was up & down. Mainly, he looked ok, was alert and active but he did have a lot more alarms than usual. I was torn between thinking that if i over reacted the family would lose confidence in me to be able to care for their child without resorting to unnecessary panicking . I recalled last year when i woke a family up to take the child to the hospital that by the time we got there in the middle of the night, waking up everyone and worrying them, the baby turned out to be fine and dandy by the time we got there. It was an unnecessary trip, nothing was actually wrong. They did X-rays and probably cost the family not only sleep time but extra money for tests not covered by insurance.
In the morning( with this child) i gave both parents report plus the next nurse and then called my supervisor to update her. My supervisor made it very clear she was upset that i hadn't called the doctor.I tried to explain that the baby didn't show any other signs of illness and i treated every symptom (a brief period of wheezing with the PRN albuteral, which cleared it up, and some fussiness and discomfort during the  last hour with Tylenol).I did encourage the mom to have the baby seen, as she stated she would if the baby kept having issues that day.
I held him, suctioned his nose for congestion twice, sat right next to him when i wasn't holding him, i even held his hand and listened to his lungs and heart for 10-15 minutes at a time for any other irregularities. I took his temp 3 times, the room was very warm but he didn't have a fever.his responded to stimulation as usual. I just felt i couldn't justify making a fuss, that it could possibly be false alarms.
These pieces of equipment pick up on movement a lot of times and give false alarms.
Anyway, after he was admitted last night i haven't stopped berating myself. My supervisor was right, i should have just covered my but and called the doctor anyway. By the way…her and i don't get along very well..i always feel like she targets me for anything and everything.I have a deep seated feeling that when she called the family she probably suggested i be removed from the case since i made a poor judgement call… and perhaps convinced the family to dismiss me,….or maybe the agency itself is going to make that decision .It seems i can never do anything right in my supervisors eyes…and i think she is determined to make me look and feel bad.But thats strictly just opinion on my part, not fact..Yes, just a feeling.
I haven't heard exactly that i am being dismissed, but when i waited all day and didn't hear from her, i called and she was extremely short and cold with me. a bad sign.

Then my mom calls and tells me my grandmother has been started on morphine so will likely pas in the next day or so..while i am in California..great.. Why me?

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

LONG , and likely boring..(don't even bother reading-its all self talk)

I  know i should be happy..yes, i am leaving for Venice Beach thursday for 5 days..a music festival..and i have never been further west than Colorado.
Today i was informed that i won $750 from my nursing agencies corporate division for completing my compliance training early…i never even knew there was a prize for that..i guess it was chosen randomly.
I have a great guy who does everything possible to make me happy..and i can't complain one iota about him.
I have a place to live, a case i really love (and a family that really seems to like me), and i have made teeny tiny baby steps in the process of healing and mending my life, albeit with some failures.

But last night, the little guy i take care of had some issues.And i am feeling as though i didn't make the right decisions as a nurse. I should have called the doctor, or woken the mom.I was torn between many issues.

Being a pediatric home care nurse has a lot of pros and cons.
The pros being that you are usually appreciated and not just another  employee i.d. # who punches the time clock…you get to be part of a family…and its on on not as much stress as the rat race of a facility.
The cons…having to make decisions on a day by day, hour by hour basis..sometimes with, but mostly without help, guidance or as many resources….Knowing at any minute, a family may stop liking you, blame you for something true or untrue,or that the family dynamics may change and drastically affect your work environment. get caught between what may be best for the child, but may ultimately get you dismissed from a case- finding yourself without employment - no notice.Other times, you follow what your agencies protocol is, even though it goes against every grain of your intuition, and you still can lose  the case.
I haven't yet lost this case. But the child was just admitted to the hospital tonight. I keep questioning my judgements, actions, decisions.

On top of it all, i am still very much worried about being around a certain social set..especially on this trip west.I am not quite sure i am able to blend with what most people would call normal society. I have been through so many transitions, so quickly these past two months, and i don't quite trust myself to be stable and acceptable.

I am exasperated at my failures in  my personal life,grieving about my years of relationship failures, my failures as a mom,daughter, friend, etc.
I am more frustrated now in my life than i have ever been..knowing i have so much to be grateful for, and yet i can't quite seem to get it together or be happy.
The worst part is, its mostly no ones fault but my own.
Yes, i have been abused. Yes, i have cancer. Yes I have had more trauma in my life than most.But is no excuse. I am a grown up and i should be able to pick myself up and move on. I know i can do these things..i just have had this monkey of depression and frustration on my back.
When when when will i be able to have a sense of joy or happiness again?


Yes, that's right..i am having days of failure..i have been smoking more than i want to…and i drank 3 nights this weekend..where's the confessional?where are my hail mary beads?
I have noticed that i have only been using my electronic vaporizer when i leave the house, especially to go to work…so yes, i don't smoke in the car or at work for 8-10 hours.But i just can't seem to shake the addiction when i walk in the door.
As far as drinking..well, i was unexpectedly off for the weekend- the insurance wouldn't cover nursing while the family was camping. So had 3 nights of nothing to do and i drank, painted, visited friends, enjoyed my significant other.We even went for a walk at Chiques rock Monday.
BUT..i am so displeased with myself.
Why??? can't i shake these addictions?I mean, of course i can go without either when it comes to work..i can't smoke at work, and i sure as heck can't be hungover or drunk…so i can control myself for this. I just cannot seem to get a hold on it outside of that.
And ..lets talk about night shift..
Again, i am in the position where i cannot sleep during the day more than 4-5 hours when i am working nights. Its especially hard now that i am out of prescription sleeping pills.I feel like a zombie.
Plus i am still figuring out the protocols and policies of whom to call for when and what with these cases.It's night time.If its not a dire emergency, my feelings would be to call asap in the normal hours of the day time…but, no..i get reprimanded for doing that.So, i guess now i will just be calling Doctors and the agency at night and waking the parents for things.I never had these issues before.
It seems that i am cursed in everyday these days.
All i can do is pray, pray, pray...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Trials and Victories

Quick update:
Well monday evening i did wind up having a few(very little) glasses of wine. Iwas in a lot of pain all week and NOTHING was touching about 9pm i caved and had some-- tremendous relief….cancer pain is a bitch…
I have been trying many things to deal with the pain..heating pads, tons of OTC meds, stretching, etc…nothing works , except a bit of wine…sooo
I have decided that once a week i will allow myself a little to deal with that, as well as to open the creative centers of my mind for a few hours, relax and enjoy…BUT…definitely nothing like before. I haven't had any since…tomorrow night i am off, so i will indulge ….
My philosophy on this is: I am almost 50 years old. I am in great pain and have no way of knowing when any day will be my last. I do not want to spend my life in complete misery over something i can remedy, but can control with some discipline.It is my decision, and I really don't care what anyone else thinks..I have to live in tis body, and live my one else does.
At this point in time, I have been basically anti social for two months, staying out of social situations with the rare exception of having one friend over for a few hours just to chat.Because of all the transitions and decisions, the depression and anxiety related to them, i haven't felt comfortable being in crowds/public socializing.I have no idea how long this will last. I am even very apprehensive about venturing to this Venice Beach Music Festival next week for a 5 day vacation…because i know there will be crowds and people will be partying.
On a more normal and positive note, i have been eating much healthier still, taking a few supplements, got my hair trimmed nicely and have been doing a lot of much needed organization.I love the case i am at and the family loves me.
Let the healing begin:))

Monday, May 19, 2014

Weekly Winning

As of today, Monday :
1. it has been one week since my last drop of alcohol
2. I have finally gotten all my stuff moved(99.9%)
3. I have managed to keep a case
4. I actually like the case and the family likes me
5. I have been more focused and am hopefully getting better at expressing myself
6. I have been eating much healthier at work(veggies/fruits) as well as in my liquid diet all around- V-8, grapefruit juice, herbal teas, Kefir, and of course water
7. I finally was able to drive to and from work without using my GPS
8. I (with help) organized the office /living room area of the house.

Next up:this week
1.I haven't given up cigarettes fact have realized this past week i smoke more than i did the first few days with the Vape, but only at home…i still do not ever leave the house with a cig..only the vaporizer…but my plan is to limit myself to only 5 a day and NO MORE….then 4, 3, 2, 1,0… will be easier when scott quits and starts using a vaporizer, as well as when this supply of tobacco is completely gone.
2.I haven't been to the gym in two weeks or tanned- i have no time with my work schedule changes and sooo many appointments as well as moving, packing etc, mothers day….so i will go to the closest tanning salon and get a small package to be ready for California by the 29th
3.I will organize my art room
4. i will put away winter clothes, organize my current wardrobe and shoes.
5. I have a hair appointment on tues and plan to get at least 2" cut off so i can look more professional
6. my car gets inspected

Now if this is boring you, keep in mind I haven't been able to be this functional in a long time so it is quite an accomplishment for me.Daily life is still a struggle..I am battling sleep deprivation form working nights, striving to give up my vices, grieving over all the recent transitions, and almost crippled in my art work.So if you are yawning…eat my shorts!

Friday, May 16, 2014

A Very Trying Task

For the first time in several months I actually attempted to paint without drinking was worse than I imagined.My hands were shaking, i was anxious and it wouldn't go away, even after two and a half hours plus a half of the pill i take for occasional anxiety or insomnia(trazadone)…I may have gotten some of the two pieces done, but i am not at a ll happy with them.The lines aren't flowing and the texture isn't smooth…wow..what am i going to do?i haven't drank anything alcoholic for 4 days…

Yes, that's how it's going..I have been pacing, as usual in the evenings , wondering what to do with my time..especially on my nights off..i have been drinking loads of hot tea, grapefruit juice, V-8 and water. Last night i needed a project , so i decided to start retyping all of my poetry dating back to the late 80's..It did keep me busy, but not distracted.I also sorted tupperware, and a bunch of usual housework.Man, trying to quit smoking AND drinking simultaneously totally sucks.

Not to mention this is a week of chaos.I had to start packing up stuff all by myself on weds. which took about 6 hrs and created major back and neck pain.Then had a dentist appointment today, and tomorrow, after working night shift I will be back to packing because Saturday morning at 11 am, the movers will arrive.

Yup, then I go back into work Saturday night.

On a positive note: I did accomplish a lot more today than I have on many previous days.I actually went to Bistro 19 and switched out some of my art there, then to the studio set for a local tv show and switched out the art there(they use art as a backdrop), AND i went home and reordered much needed business cards(i use them to tag my work)…

I'll keep at it, let you all (if there is anyone out there) know when and if i fail and try to just keep moving forward:)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Winds of Change

After just writing a 7 page letter to myself, i am feeling the need to start blogging again on a regular basis.My hope is that it will help me heal from many of the recent events of my life. The number one goal for me right now is to quit drinking completely. I have already cut smoking back to 5-6 a day using my Vaporizer.Ultimately , i believe quitting drinking will help me quit smoking completely.
I say all this now because i have really reevaluated my life as of late and have realized that i need to make these changes most of all.They are destructive and are destroying me and my whole life.I won't write a 7 page blog about it, but perhaps over the next few weeks i'll report on my progress.
Some of the other goals include getting more exercise, eating healthier, keeping this job,and getting myself back to God.
I know this won't happen overnight..but i am determined.i want to get back myself and my life and hopefully that will begin to show up here as i heal and move forward..

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tidal Changes

oh how things have changed…i have finally left the person who was making me so miserable..i've been out for about two months now..still, i have moments where i miss him dearly..but then i remind myself of all that he did, said he treated me…and most of all the way he still does most of these things when we try to communicate…He is very up & down, i suspect he will never change..

In case i never mention this..he is an alcoholic…i have been living with an escalation of this for over two years, and have almost become an alcoholic myself.trying to cope with the stress and anxiety.

In the course of the two years or so we were together, my whole life changed and spiraled into a pit of despair- in every way. I lost(or gave up) everything- materially, spiritually, health-wise,etc.I came into it a Christian girl, who didn't curse, went to church every sunday.I didn't smoke, i didn't drink. I went to the gym faithfully 4 days a week.I had a great job.I ate very healthy, and had a well rounded life.

The reason i left a husband of 10 years was mainly loneliness-- he worked constantly and i hardly ever saw him.When we did see each other the conversation was short and dull..Never the less, i would take that back in a heartbeat over what became of this last relationship.MY husband was a good man- he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs..he was a great provider and truly cared about me, my health, and made sure i was always , always taken care of.I should have stuck it out, but i followed my heart instead of my head.

Of course, i can't blame this last one completely..i allowed myself to make bad choices..I am an adult..i am responsible for my actions.I just never foresaw how ugly it would become.

At this time, i will only state that i have been pursuing a relationship with another man who has been a wonderful friend( prior to this, to BOTH of us)…He has been taking excellent care of me, helping, comforting and supporting me. He is a brilliant musician and yet still  has a regular job and makes a decent living.He is awesome to talk to, funny, and intelligent.He has never been married, no kids, takes good care of his mom, and has an excellent reputation in the community…everyone likes him.

so far, so good…

The thing i am most anxious about right now is not having work..i keep trying and trying, but for some reason, nothings worked out.It seems my personality need adjusted…and heres a big deal today- i just decided to quit smoking..finally and again.Today i got a vaporizer to start vamping.I am excited, and scared. But i know i can do this. I quit for 9 years before.I could kick myself 1000 times for re-starting. But now theres a chance …

Also i have begun getting back into the gym, twice a week for now..but its a start.

I am spending more time with my family, getting to know my grandson.I feel like i may just have a future again.

Its a process , like everything else..slow and steady wins the race. Next i have to deal with my drinking issue…I only drink wine, but to be honest i drink too much of it. My plan was to have the job in place to motivate me..i never drink when i have to work..but the issue has been a lack of employment.

All i can say is i am trying..trying to make it all better….

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I cannot seem to find the motivation or time to blog since forever…and when i think about it, i have no idea what to write anymore…is this sustained writers block?some days i wake up , thinking.."wow, that would be a great blog" then the idea slowly seeps out of me until its gone…anyway, todays ideas started out with all the women i want to focus on in my artwork over the next season…those in fiction and legend..then i have ideas for writing--- interviewing local artists, and also fictional topic ( cross bred fairytale princesses)…i know…haha..but this is the infinite mind of the ADD artist.

The problem with my affliction is that i have great concepts….and unlike some ADD people, i keep them in the conscious part of my brain….implementing them takes a lot…but i usually do.

at the moment, i am dealing with multiple health issues…relationship issues…financial devastation…etc.
I know in the reality i need to address them, and i also know art is very therapeutic. Yet, i also am start g to understand the mentality of the addict/alcoholic…they know better, but they feel powerless to stop the downward spiral.

At any rate- upswing to the survivor/positive mode- i have let go of some unnecessary burdens financially and socially this month, and have intentions to focus on more concrete and necessary things.
i still smoke too much, and drink- although a tad less than i was…i let go of my studio space in town, and will be involved in no more event planning for a while….i really want to focus on my family, as planned since the middle of january..ironically, my fiancĂ© just found out he is going to be a grandfather.

all i can do is pray, pray, pray..that this time will be healing:)

Thursday, January 16, 2014

constant argueing

i keep thinking..why God? why do u keep me here? what lesson is this? i try every day to understand….i don't regret my choices , for they have helped me to grow..but the headaches, the stress..why??
i come home, totally exhausted, try to feel relaxed..then the person i live with creates massive headaches ..i just want peace, zen..
but everyday ..i fear any alone time with this ruins my peace ,my inner peace..i rally really really want to  be alone but he will not allow peace……

Wednesday, January 15, 2014


they say"give til it hurts"
i say" give til they hurt"
until they can no longer deny that they need help.
until they stop their ego cycle
until they ask to help others because..

they need to understand that there is no better purpose on this earth.