Saturday, May 7, 2011
Wow..it's been a long few weeks. I have been fervently trying to overcome some internal difficulties, mostly without success. You see,depression rears it's ugly head in many forms.Sometimes it's just a numbness that you can learn to cover up with a smile and smalltalk so that others don't know. Why would anyone do this you ask?
Because it's easier than the alternative-explaining why.
Somedays i maybe, kind of want someone to talk to about it. So, once or twice i have tried that route.Both times the person just stared at me, said"it will all be ok" and changed the subject or stated they had to go.SO .....
Why the heck would i try that again?It's funny how people ask you whats wrong and it' really only because they want to hear about the juicy gossip in your life.They really don't care, usually just walk away and within seconds zip right back into their own solely populated little world.For instance- i get these messages on Facebook--"whats wrong-you seem depressed?" so i try to answer and then never hear another peep from them. Or i get quiet and stop being social--"whats wrong?"--sigh "nothing".....what can you tell someone, why would you ? it may just make them depressed too.And it's not their problem anyway.
By far, much easier ( though not healthier) to stay happy or remain silent on the outside, even when your insides are screaming in bloodcurdling, primal rage.
I hate even the word(depression)-it's so selfish and self-centered. I am blessed beyond measure by a God who loves me and is true, pure & just. I have absolutely no reason to sit in my swill of self-pity.I keep trying to get over it by doing for others...But i just keep on moving like a zombie, numb in my pain, and picturing awful things in my head, having nightmares about the end of the world.
So, my friends, sorry for my silence. When i can stop the world from cracking in half daily and then i will be back to my old, happy self.