Monday, May 30, 2011

Hear my Cry

It's official. I AM a complete outcast. Last night as i was leaving for work , i noticed my neighbor & her husband out on their lawn, dressed up. As i drove away i saw them walking towards another neighbors house. I knew instantly that there was a get together.One to which we had'nt been invited. I even pretty much knew which house it was at. I drove to work in extreme depression. After a while , i had talked myself into "Maybe it's just a small dinner party, or they are meeting about this "extreme makeover"thing thats coming to Dillsburg soon "(some in the hood are helping with it, but its not til later in the summer). So i was kind of ok, but still bugged. Curious, i drove the long way around the development to see if i could spot the party.
Lo & behold...there it was. The house RIGHT NEXT TO MINE..and all the people who i had thought were friends (at least casually) having their little soiree . They even saw me drive by (yes it was dark but my vanity plate is very well known) . When that bomb hit me, i came home, still trying to recover & talk myself into a more comforting explaination "Maybe they thought we werent home, or would be working. Maybe someone will walk over & invite me now that they see i'm here"
The music got louder. Kids played & laughed happily in the streets.I even sat on my front porch in case anyone would walk by & wave.
Long story short, i cried myself to sleep.I have no idea what i could have done to warrant being ostracized like this. I keep turning stuff over in my head..i did get a bit tipsy at the christmas party, but the worst thing i did was wear a tank top under a blouse (some cleavage, i guess) and nibbled on my husbands ear (PDA- but much needed time of affection). I even spent an entire hour that night out in the freezing cold listening to one of their drunk friends cry about her life-just because i felt bad no one else was listening to her.
I thought about all kinds of other things- have i accidentally not shut my blinds once when i was changing?Maybe they sent me an email i never got...Either way, i feel like a complete loser. With all the stuff at work making me feel like a pariah, and now this, i am sinking deeper & deeper into depression. I have tried & tried to lift myself up, but things just keep getting worse. Even several good friends have been avoiding me lately it seems and my husband keeps working longer & longer hours.
It's as if no one wants to be around me and yet they won't tell me why. I try really hard to be upbeat around them (not down in the face like i feel) i try to cover it up and pretend it's all ok.
BUT, it's not. It's definitely NOT.

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