Monday, May 30, 2011

oh wait!

Now i got the right information...my neighbor emailed me to inform me that the get together was only 4 or 5 families with small children...i see. I need to buy some children to get invited..lol!Either way, i have realized i need to get over this & start living a life again. I've been hating most of my co-workers,doing nothing but painting & drinking wine.I havent been going to the gym , or doing any serious Bible study. My life is WAY off track. No wonder i'm depressed. I have to set some goals.
Wednesday i am starting back to the gym again...even if it kills me.i will go thurs & friday evening also. i will tan several days.I will start eating better, and drinking more water (i'm actually doing pretty good with fluids-herbal teas & water lately) . I need to put some applications in for at least a part time weekend job so i can make some extra money. With salary there's no overtime....but i have to draw the line now.i have stopped contributing to my 401k for awhile since my company stopped matching/contributing.Also...they are still not reimbursing me right.That needs to change.
I am cutting back my weekly savings & some other stuff...k...my freind is here...Gotta go!

Hear my Cry

It's official. I AM a complete outcast. Last night as i was leaving for work , i noticed my neighbor & her husband out on their lawn, dressed up. As i drove away i saw them walking towards another neighbors house. I knew instantly that there was a get together.One to which we had'nt been invited. I even pretty much knew which house it was at. I drove to work in extreme depression. After a while , i had talked myself into "Maybe it's just a small dinner party, or they are meeting about this "extreme makeover"thing thats coming to Dillsburg soon "(some in the hood are helping with it, but its not til later in the summer). So i was kind of ok, but still bugged. Curious, i drove the long way around the development to see if i could spot the party.
Lo & behold...there it was. The house RIGHT NEXT TO MINE..and all the people who i had thought were friends (at least casually) having their little soiree . They even saw me drive by (yes it was dark but my vanity plate is very well known) . When that bomb hit me, i came home, still trying to recover & talk myself into a more comforting explaination "Maybe they thought we werent home, or would be working. Maybe someone will walk over & invite me now that they see i'm here"
Nope.
The music got louder. Kids played & laughed happily in the streets.I even sat on my front porch in case anyone would walk by & wave.
Nope.
Long story short, i cried myself to sleep.I have no idea what i could have done to warrant being ostracized like this. I keep turning stuff over in my head..i did get a bit tipsy at the christmas party, but the worst thing i did was wear a tank top under a blouse (some cleavage, i guess) and nibbled on my husbands ear (PDA- but much needed time of affection). I even spent an entire hour that night out in the freezing cold listening to one of their drunk friends cry about her life-just because i felt bad no one else was listening to her.
I thought about all kinds of other things- have i accidentally not shut my blinds once when i was changing?Maybe they sent me an email i never got...Either way, i feel like a complete loser. With all the stuff at work making me feel like a pariah, and now this, i am sinking deeper & deeper into depression. I have tried & tried to lift myself up, but things just keep getting worse. Even several good friends have been avoiding me lately it seems and my husband keeps working longer & longer hours.
It's as if no one wants to be around me and yet they won't tell me why. I try really hard to be upbeat around them (not down in the face like i feel) i try to cover it up and pretend it's all ok.
BUT, it's not. It's definitely NOT.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Black Swan

I am very upset that someone has stolen my life story and hit the rewind button. "Black Swan" is a movie i have watched over & over (alone , of course) and i am convinced that, aside from changing the name (nina-ha!) they have changed the career to "ballerina" and just plagerized the rest!!!
Anyway, alone again and drinking the Vino, i cannot be counted on for accuracy.However, doesnt it seem strange when you have seen something a million times & you just can't shake the feeling someone has been watching you?

First of all i can totally identify with not only the white swan (my major life character) but also the sweet, deep, intense desires of the black counterpart.Additionally the mother ...she rocks the guilt side of my persona....

Someone owes me some royalties...and p.s....if you are a man reading this...sorry..you will just NEVER get it....lol!

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Dart Board Project

Alot has been going on. First, i want to say i had a very pleasant weekend with my good friend Fred in Jim Thorpe, pa.The kayak class was wonderful and the company even better. I look weird in a wet suit though, and i lost a very expensive pair of sunglasses to the lake we practiced our eskimo rolls in on the first day. Then i lost a bottle of wine to a maid the next day, but that's a whole other story!
On the scene in Satan's Den (A.K.A.- work)- i tried to be considerate to someone who completely stabbed me in the back and i have suffered much abuse and accusations. I was blamed for her resigning, after she accused me of making horrible statements to her(like"i'm going to take your job and you are not going to have any work")....things i could never say to someone, especially a person i thought was a friend. Wow.

My supervisor made me feel like i caused a huge mess and when i defended myself (basically telling him i did not say these things and the girl had been talking about quitting for quite awhile now r/t office staff & scheduling)said that "these angry emails need to stop...you are setting yourself up for a bad situation"

Later, he left a message for me to call him and "make sure you are composed before you call".

So he proceeds to tell me after discussing the events that i should not ever contact anyone but him about anything.He is the only person i am to go through because no one else is on my side and you can't trust anyone of them..."they are not your friends, trust me".

I need a huge aspirin, a few large pics of my "enemies", and some darts.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sleepin with the Dragon

Found in a back yard in Jim Thorpe..love it! Reminds me of an old value system i had.....A young King Author says " what do i do, Merlin?"
Merlin replies "Do nothing.Sleep ....in the arms of the Dragon."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I am going to explode

...so, quick disclaimer...if you don't want to hear me roar....STOP READING RIGHT NOW!
Let me explain...i am now the only "Clinical Education Specialist" in our company ..to my knowledge, the position was only recently created just for me.I teach 3 standard classes- the home health aide competency class, our pedia prep (for nurses coming on board with us) and the ventilator competency class.I had been asked to become a cpr instructor as well so that the company could get out of contracts costing tens of thousands per year for their current instructors.I teach at 4 branches each week in the area.I have gotten the instructor cpr cert. & will soon be teaching that as well.In addition i sub-in for the clinical managers with doing sup. visits, employee evals., chart audits, AND i fill in home care shifts in emergencies. For these tasks i am paid a fairly low end salary. I have 6 years experience in this feild, with this company.

Now that you have my autobiography....Sometime back in december or so i was contacted by a branch in chicago asking if i would help to edit the new Pedia Prep manual. Myself & another woman did this over several months via emails. It was labor intensive.Finally it became "available" in Feb. But , lo & behold, after following orders to print it out, finding it to be an unexpected 800 pages, i was reamed out for doing so and it was removed from access.Then, last week , an email came through that the color copies were ready and would be distributed -one to each branch as a reference tool( not to be given to each employee in the class as our previous 80 page manuals).This i understand due to expenses.

HERE'S THE RUB>

I saw a copy in a branch. I asked if i , as the educator of the class, would be receiving one. I was told "no".I am to use the ones in each branch.I replied that the B&W copy i had was unclear, incomplete and i would like one that i could make notes in for the classes. i offered to pay the purchase price.This is the reply i got-
" these are company property and not for individual sale. please refrain from this questioning & just use the ones in the branches".

#$%^*()()*&^%$..what????i am the teacher and i am not allowed to have a copy of class material? further, i must "refrain" from asking questions???It's bad enough i waited months for a computer, another month for a folding table & chair which are still my "office".No shelves, no bins. It's worse that, out of all the people in our offieces , i am the only one passed over to take the vent training offered only twice per year in Pittsburg...yet that is what i TEACH.

Now, i am not even being given necessary tools to teach with.

I am so done with this shit. This total lack respect, especially from this particular woman. Who the hell is she to keep the manual from me, and tell me not to ask questions?I never get any co operation from her or any type of respect. I am always being castrated, cock-blocked or however you wanna call it- by this petty , childish, control freak.

Lady, i cant help it you're as wide as a bus, miserable and probably loathe yourself & your pathetic life.But i'm just trying to do a JOB here.So get over yourself!Lose some of that fat, dress like you have a dollar, and start showing a little class by at least being polite.



Sunday, May 15, 2011

I desparately need a lift!

I remember not so long ago when i bounced out of bed, full of energy....ready to do what needed done for the day.I recall feeling a sense of accomplishment when i finished my "to do "list. I had a routine, though busy, kept me somewhat effervescent and alive, on the move an in anticipation. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME????
No matter what i do i can't seem to get this heavy lead foot off my back.There is no real reason. I have it all. Is it hormonal? Is it age?Life?Is it simple lack of faith in humanity?Whatever the case, if i don't come out of it soon, i feel like i'll be doomed to a life of hermitage.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Niavety

Ha! i was just told i may not have my Bible visible in the workplace!silly supervisor!why would you say that!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Stone Silent

Wow..it's been a long few weeks. I have been fervently trying to overcome some internal difficulties, mostly without success. You see,depression rears it's ugly head in many forms.Sometimes it's just a numbness that you can learn to cover up with a smile and smalltalk so that others don't know. Why would anyone do this you ask?

Because it's easier than the alternative-explaining why.

Somedays i maybe, kind of want someone to talk to about it. So, once or twice i have tried that route.Both times the person just stared at me, said"it will all be ok" and changed the subject or stated they had to go.SO .....

Why the heck would i try that again?It's funny how people ask you whats wrong and it' really only because they want to hear about the juicy gossip in your life.They really don't care, usually just walk away and within seconds zip right back into their own solely populated little world.For instance- i get these messages on Facebook--"whats wrong-you seem depressed?" so i try to answer and then never hear another peep from them. Or i get quiet and stop being social--"whats wrong?"--sigh "nothing".....what can you tell someone, why would you ? it may just make them depressed too.And it's not their problem anyway.


By far, much easier ( though not healthier) to stay happy or remain silent on the outside, even when your insides are screaming in bloodcurdling, primal rage.

I hate even the word(depression)-it's so selfish and self-centered. I am blessed beyond measure by a God who loves me and is true, pure & just. I have absolutely no reason to sit in my swill of self-pity.I keep trying to get over it by doing for others...But i just keep on moving like a zombie, numb in my pain, and picturing awful things in my head, having nightmares about the end of the world.

So, my friends, sorry for my silence. When i can stop the world from cracking in half daily and then i will be back to my old, happy self.