Saturday, April 16, 2011

In a Haze....

(This is one of a 3 panel set- a mermaid rising from the sea at night)

I have had a dry cough for so long i am wondering if it's lung cancer.I need to take care of myself soon. These past few, make that this wait...last year has to be included also since i was at the hospital....have really taken a toll on my health & motivation. It seems sometimes that ever since i decided to get my RN, and especially from the point where i starting using the license at a job, my health and inner life was dropped into 3rd or 4th place depending on housework and if it was grocery week.
Oh, sure..there have been a few spurts of valor.I would get so disgusted i would rally and go to the gym for a few weeks.Or i would buy all health food at the grocery store.Even started the vitamins again half-heartedly. But i have not been able to discipline myself as before.
In addition, i havent been reading my bible's been only a few times a week, in small doses- for instance i will chose a few Psalms or go to where i left the book mark & read a page .
I havent stuck to bible study like i intended. Since the mission trip i have only been back once.
Of course, i can make all the excuses, and they are all noble & all make sense-i have been focusing on my career,dealing with a crazy schedule, trying to help others out at my own expense, depression...even spending more time in my studio (painting my little heart out).
But in the end, it changes nothing. Facts are facts.I have been remiss in my duties of self-care.

Where do i put such a category in my head file? Under "guilt & regret"?or "things i need to remedy" or "oh well" ....or perhaps the dusty file "the results of selflessness"(sub-tiltled "self-pity")?
I just don't know. I hesitate to make a plan, knowing how often they have failed this year. It seems the older i get the more undecided & confused i am. I just can't make decisions. I am wishy -washy..."luke warm"....and it's driving me crazy!!!
In other news....a friend & i have decided to pursue a creative business venture. In order to serve as God leads us as well as preserve the Arts in this economic depression, we will endeavor to promote and help other creative types to grow and prosper. More on this later, it's going to be a process!

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