Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Flesh Days

Once again it is time to enter a more...virtuous post...
I find that the year has just begun , the first day of the second month is over. So, approximately 32 days into my year of giving, i must admit to times of defeat.These are the times i almost cannot stand myself because i know that i am wallowing in self -pity, and that is certainly NOT a virtue. It does not move God, it does not change my fate, it does nothing to forward the kingdom, simply leads me to the wine bottle and vegetating in misery. I know this in my mind, yet, human emotion , as it is a weakness most days, is there none-the-less.
Take, for example, my job.I LOVE teaching, i love research, i love learning, i love putting it all together! i love to show other nurses how to deal with certain issues, and i even enjoy the input and help of various office staff- especially those who bring me teaching tools and supplies!!
More so, i adore a challenging new project. So far, i have mostly enjoyed scheduling and striving to carve out a niche for myself in this new position.
But (yes, here it is) LATELY....
I have had flesh days.Days when i think to myself "why is this or that person being short with me or complaining about their scheduling issues or dismissing emails that are important to me?"I get upset that i feel so unsupported at times and the people who seemed so pleased to have someone to focus just on classes, and thereby ease up the clinical managers time in this way....someone to be available & flexible, someone accomodating as one can be, can treat me so rudely.
These are the times i need to refresh myself in the word. Times to remember God's promises, and remember my goal to give this year ...
Acts 20:35 "In everything I did , I showed you that by this kind of hard work, we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said "It is more blessed to give than to receive".
Now, what i do is not hard work, at least to me, and i don't intend to berate anyone by calling them "weak".I believe this passage is more than it seems.Sometimes we are doing the hard work on the inside- remaining humble, not grumbling or complaining, fault-finding , telling ourselves to "get over it & move on- don't be rude- don't start trouble". That can be really hard. You bite your tongue so hard you taste blood.The weak person may be yourself in these conditions, still being affected by the things of this world, allowing emotion to dictate your thoughts and dilute your goals. Sometimes we need to give our kindness to others, understanding that they struggle along with the rest of us.Everyone is fighting a hard battle. They may be taking it out on you , yes- because you are an easy target! What would you rather be....their cushion or their ammo? i guess thats why i chose to "let them get away with it".
In the end i know that however small, i gave them a measure of relief. I gave them someone to vent at, a person who won't fight back and upset them even more.This, i have learned .
It is never a good thing to perpetuate a bad situation by embroiling yourself in it.Never get involved in their personal drama. You only steam up inside and simmer with anger, you make poor choices.Your words are no longer uplifting, but are vicious weapons.
This is not holiness, not living in the fruit of the spirit. We need to be peacekeepers to show others a true walk in our faith.
And, yes, we may fail...inevitably , we will.But pressing forward, and knowing the "peace of God that surpasses understanding" will soon be upon us....ahhhh...arent you glad you're not an atheist???

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