Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What dreams will come....

The year is almost over. Where am i sitting right now? In a very small room, in a house full of people i barely know(but whom are very pleasant) and feeling exhausted.I am drained lately. Mostly because i have been staying up too late, drinking wine and painting.I know i have to get myself together soon. I did join a gym, got a tan package, and have somehow managed to do the bare minimum of what needs done. But i am not happy with my state of mind .The future is very foggy and i am on a rollercoaster. Hopefully a time will soon come when i can think clearly..yaaawwwwwn...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

update

The process is still in process. Meanwhile i am focusing on my Art. I have signed up 4 additional artists at the out let and intend to find many more. We are also inneed of a sign and i will be planning an "opening".
Keeping my mind & soul busy is helping.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Big Bang Theory

Well, it has finally happened. The major glitch...the big change...the catalyst for reform.
My husband & i may be separating.
The house is going up for sale this week. The truck is for sale. Cable is cut off. Gym memberships and lawn service discontinued.Household items placed on Craig's list.
As i sit here this morning, up early from an early night, i am without TV & news to watch. At least i still have internet service.
I was trying to avoid telling anyone anything until after the holidays so as not to add negativity.
But our annual christmas dinner had to be cancelled and i was getting constant requests to verify the date & time and finally couldnt put people off any longer.
Reactions varied.
One most memorable was a two page email from a relative.It was written June Cleaver style basically stating that a woman has to accept her fate, be thankful someone will support her and that's the best we can expect.Wow. What a great life plan. But at least a second email sort of made their statement less depressing.
And, now...drumroll please...why?
Since i have only gotten a chance to explain this to one freind and my son(last night) i suppose i will have to address it here. After all , i finally posted the impending situation on Facebook so that the rumor mill didn't ensue when the "house for sale sign" went up.
Let me start with an analogy.
For years there has been a very large totem pole in our house.At the top was unnecessary overtime hours, next there was watching tv, followed by buying unnecessary stuff. Next came the Harley. Then came the family-sister , mother, dad....and finally..at least i think,if there really wasnt someone else in all of this -was me.This is Jim's totem pole.
So-#1 -overtime: This is the biggest issue & has been for as long as i can remember. I had pleaded, begged, cried, reasoned and otherwise screamed for years that i was tired, very tired of being alone all the time while he worked more & more & more OT. I have been lonely as hell for years, doing everything i could to compensate- throwing myself into school, the gym, work if i had to, and the past year-painting.He has continued to ignore my pleas for him to spend more time with me. We really didnt need the extra money. Ironically, instead of paying off our debt with all the extra, we've simply gotten into more debt(see # 3)
#2-TV--whenever hubbs WAS home, instead of spending time with me or planning something for us, he would sit & watch the tube.He would even try to push me up to the studio to paint so he could watch sports.
#3-buying stuff- no matter how often i expressed my dreams of being debt-free, it was ignored as well.Hubbs has continued to BUY, BUY,BUY stuff and accumulate so much more debt than we started out with i would wathc my dreams slip away month by month...year after year.The new motorcycles, the new truck, big screen tv, vacations, garage items that hardly got used...don't get m,e wrong -he was very very generous with me- lots & lots of gifts, etc.But all i wanted was his time.
# 4 He never stood up for me when it came to his family. I liked his parents...but that sister of his has bullied me for years and he has refused to intervene.

Now i have to state..there has been a lot of suspicion on my part that there was someone else in his life since he was never home. He does not initiate sex with me,and frequently opts out due to some minor illness like a headache, sore muscles, pinched nerve or being tired.I have no absolute proof. But like a friend stated "Even if he didn't have an affair with someONE else, he had already replaced me with so many other THINGS , it amounted to the same".

And there you have it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Changes

wow, it has been soo long since i've been here.
Maybe its because i've been busy with work...or those 3 facebook pages i have to manage.My painting is going well.i have stuff for sale at a furniture store & on display at Martin Memorial Library in York.I just receive the business cards i ordered. And there's a gallery in Arkansas that wants my work soon. That part of life is going well.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And this year i will strive to find even more to be grateful for.Although there is a lot going on that i cannot announce or talk about here, there is always more to life than our own little corner of the world.
My own life is completely off the rails right now. BIG BIG changes are coming , most not pleasant.There are somethings that have been needing to change for a very long time that i have just lived with and hoped would change on their own.
At this moment, i am at work, class is watching a video. I leave at 5...i hope tonight goes well.Hopefully, i will be able to blog again soon.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Drama at the Office

Wow, i can go to a place once a week , stay basically to myself in my little office area and STILL get sucked into all the office politics.

After everything i do for this company i cannot believe the lengths people will go to to try to get you in trouble.They say it is usually to try to take the spotlight off themselves, and i truly believe that.But i suppose it must be like that everywhere.

This time i was accused of fraternizing with the enemy( because an employee who was just terminated stopped in and just happened to stop in my doorway on her way out) . I was also accused of being intimidating with the vent station at the skills fair.....i don't really believe that one, i think words were twisted...most of our field staff have been asking for a refresher for quite sometime..i have been trying to get approval for them for awhile, but with no luck due to budget problems. So , if they don't know the current info, of COURSE they would be intimidated. It wasn't a teaching set up, just a testing station. But, of course the finger would point to me...

at any rate, i am going to see a play tonight at a local theater with my daughter..Rocky Horror Picture Show- one of my faves..so i'll try to keep my mind off of it..

The world is going crazy, i swear!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

News in the Art World!


Well, things are going prety well at the moment. I finally summed up all my courage again and called a larger library- Martin Memorial in downtown York, Pa. They are very interested in displaying my art and have a very large wall..they will be meeting November 10th to make decisions and would probably want to keep them up until i need them back for February. Also, i finally called a place my brother sent me as a link , located in York city as well, and it sounds awesome !Lots of wall space in an alternative venue i hadn't previously considered.The commission the owner takes is fabulously low, and it totally fits for the economic & political times. Things seem to be going back to a "grass roots" era, and when there's a buzz...money will follow. Additionally , he knows a few people i know, and his vision and philosophy seem to be very in line with mine.
The whole idea has opened my mind up to other possibilities. For one thing, i think i can market myself to other similar venues in different areas. And, i think , at some point i could begin getting prints made of my work to sell inexpensively.So, i'm exploding with excitement right now!
My new series is going to be Genesis II:The Second events. It will focus on shells.The painting at the top is # 1 in the series and i have started # 2.I still have the Genesis 1 collection which will show at the wine shop in February, and that's the one i want to put at the larger Library since they are non-profit and i can't sell them yet.
On the other news fronts....i have lost a total of 6 lbs. Have been eating great & working out 3 times a week & including cardio in every workout. Work is going ok, could be better, but just glad i have a job in this terrible economy.It finances my passions and pays the mortgage.
and, so, for now, i must bid you adeui...(even though i don't know how to spell it)...

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Whine & wine

Things have gone back to some semblance of normal here. While i am no longer stewing over the previous incident (last post) with my sister in law, i'm still simmering. However, Hubbs & i have decided not to discuss it.We're moving on, in other words.
But heaven help him if he starts an argument with me anytime soon!
Aside from that fun situation, i am still struggling with trying to lose this weight. If i havent mentioned it before , when i got home from vacation i weighed a whopping 118 lbs!! i've been on a diet and added cardio to my workouts now for 3 weeks. Was stuck at 114.5 until this morning. I'm down to 113. Goal is 110.
Also, from my weightlifting, my back has been killing me, and today i woke up to find that i have my period.We have to go pick up a few pieces of furniture we had given to my daughter, and later i have to work on competency sheets for a skills fair at work this week. Sunday is church, then to work to set up tables & stations, then to a friends housewarming.BUSY.
I did get to paint last night, drank 3 glasses of wine,& didnt sleep well. So this weekend should be lovely.
Now that i am done complaining.....I do have one happy thing to look forward to. Halloween is almost here and my daughter invited me to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the York Little Theater! YAY!!!!!so, life isnt all bad!
"Cheeze!"

Monday, October 10, 2011

Livin' livid

Please read before you make a judgement....
i started out the day sort of unhappy. A friend i was texting over the weekend showed his true colors and instead of just friendly chatter started "sexting" me.(and before you think it- no he didnt see this picture, and yes, it was the first time i ever posted anything like it online) I cut the conversation off and started commiserating about why most men can't have a conversation with a woman without it deteriorating into sexual content.It's like, DUH! i am married, have someone who gives me the sex. What i am in need of is a friendly ear, good conversation, maybe a few laughs. WHY would i add more testosterone to my life & further complicate it all?Guess it takes a little intelligence ...
So, anyway, i was just a little mournful this morning , but was getting over when -Bam! out of the blue i get a message on Facebook from my sister-in-law regarding a picture i recently posted on my profile . It was taken about 13 years ago before i met Jim and i posted it in honor of bike week. I have included that picture here.
First, let's look a little closer.Is anything at ALL showing here? hmm...not my cleavage, not my legs, my butt is 80% covered..yup...you can't even see my belly.So, what exactly is showing...my back , my arms, my face. I'm not even wearing a thong for Pete's sake!I've seen more skin on the Disney channel!
So anyway, long story short i got the third degree for posting a picture of myself "half-naked" and a rant about how all the relatives probably saw it & it will get back to Jims parents.And then "I dont care what you do with your life as long as it doesnt hurt my brother- does he know you posted this pic?"(He absolutely did! i went out of my way to show him- why in the world would i hide things from him?)My oppinion? If Jim's relatives are judging me based on how i look , then what's the difference between them and most guys ?Not a whole lot.Reveals a lot about where their mind is at though.
And finally the last line (in her "ancient "wisdom" and oft-given advice via a one-liner...which i am sure was supposed to drive the point home)"You are a beautiful person. I just hope someday you will be able to see that person in the mirror before you put yourself in a position where nobody can see it."Well, bless her heart.
.... glass houses & all that...
aint it what they refer to as 'the pot calling the kettle black'! This coming from a woman who also has breast implants, teases her hair up so huge that Dolly has nothin on her,wore a gigantically teased wig for years ,wears colored contacts , fake eyelashes, tons of make up & used to run around in public in belly tops to show off her belly ring(until she got fat).
Please!
And, what right does she have to presume that she knows anything about the state of my marriage?Wow...some people have balls that clank....

P.s.- i removed the picture anyway, just to avoid a family row...but that woman better stay far , far away from me from now on. I may not bite my tongue next time. Better yet, i'll have to let her know about her own marraige.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Monster Right in Front of Your Face

In a world full of disturbed individuals , there are always a few who stand out. My thoughts on that? If you stand out, you're really not that disturbed.
Being truly disturbed is reserved for a very rare breed. It is a private privilege of a small circle within the larger corral.And, they really know who they are...even if no one else does.
In 2 , no actually 3, remarkable conversations i had between today & yesterday, things have come into somewhat of a focus for me.My question is , would you want to know someone like that?Would you be willing to accept that person as exactly what they are? Would you try to change (code word"help") that person.
And that person, knowing what they are,knowing they can't be just "changed" to fit the mold, does that make them even more disturbed that they know ?
Let's just say this person has pretty much denied it their whole lives,or didnt know exactly what it was - the monster that still lurks deep down- somewhere so very deep no one would ever guess.They go to work, have a family, they go out with friends, work out, go to church .The front lawn is manicured. The children are pretty well-adjusted. The extended family has a few quirky individuals but no national headlines scandals.
I know what your first instinct is- that sounds like a good many of the well known serial killers.Psychopaths, if you will. Ted Bundy , for instance.
Well, i will stop you right there.
Those people acted on their thoughts, so eventually got caught. The world found out. They paid for their crimes.
But what about the crimes inside of the head.Ones never really acted out but just pondered.Like the witch in the back kitchen stirring the brew while the head chef puts on a show of Japanese grilling techniques in the main kitchen.Quietly stirring, quietly cackling.
We have a show on TV called Dexter. This may address some of the aforementioned.A completely odd series about a serial killer who only delights in killing the "bad guys"-because they deserve it.Even though he knows it doesnt condone the horrendous acts.No body knows, but he knows who he is inside.We had another movie with Tom Cruise where people were arrested for just having the thought.
So, someone had to think of the concept for the books, the movie,the tv show.Telling us there are the truly disturbed among us.Does that scare you?
It should.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Afterglow


Got through vacation mostly unharmed. I know when i say it that way it sounds as if it were terrible. No. Just different. The first week was awesome in new ways...the beach was so very different from outer banks. It was serene, clean and placid. Sky was colored in pale blues & pinks , with some pink sand , and pale grey green water. Nothing like the torrential, vibrant, almost violent colors of Rodanthe this time of year. I figured it must be that this beach only gets the labrador current, while rodanthe gets labridor and the gulf stream- killer for surfing, amazing for sunrises/sunsets.The texture of the sand at Litchfield Beach was extremely smooth and flat, unlike the textured crunchiness of Rodanthe. Not many shells either. But, i am happy to report that i found another, larger starfish this year AND, for the first time ever, some sand dollars!even though they were a tad broken, i was ecstatic!
i had a lot of fun with my daughter. We laughed an awful lot. All of us went to a medeivil feast and the guys fished, played & boogie boarded while we shopped, and sat on the beach.
However, the next week, hubbs & went to pawleys island- a true island about 3 minutes south of Litchfield beach. What was great was being ocean front & closer to the water than ever before.What sucked was no washer/dryer, no internet, no dvd player, or any thing on the island itself as far as commercialism(this may be a blessing to some, but having to travel to the mainland everytime u need something got old.Plus the weather the second week mostly sucked...lots of rain. But i have to say that each day did have about 2-4 hrs of decent beach weather.Jim fished, we played trivial pursuit, i sat on the beach when i could drank wine and took a few walks.That was about it. Cable tv was basic and not much on. The house was shaker style, no amenties at all.It was like being at home . I could saved the money ..we were actually anxious to get home this time.
All in all , though, i guess i am grateful that God has blessed us with the opportunity to go anywhere when sooo many people cant.
Right now i am at a 2 day ventilator conference. Had to pack up & leave almost as soon as we got back- which sucked. But the conference has been excellent so far. Great speeakers, good food, good company. I had to dine alone, feeling like a reject tonight, but the food was nice(despite the price).
And tomorrow i anticipate more great stuff.
For now i sit in my room, anticipating a good cable movie, and savoring aloneness til time to curl up with a good book..ahhhh....g'nite!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Time is a'plenty...


Well, ok. It's been awhile since i posted. But life has been struggling along here on the "inner banks". Since we can't go to the outer banks, we will be staying on Pawleys Island ,s.c. with my daughter & her hubby, then moving our stuff down the island to another house for the following week. The condo for the first week is "pond -front" and a 3 min. walk to the beach. So fishing for the guys will be in order. The plan is (besides beach time) for the girls to shop and we may also go out to eat together once or twice. Hopefully we won't be too intrusive on their anniversary week together!
The beach house we rented for the next week is down at the southern tip of the island, ocean front...and creek out back..weird combo! but apparently the island is 1/4 wide at that point and only 1/2 mile wide at it's widest point...There is no commercialism on the island itself. We will need to take the causeway to rt. 17- on the mainland to eat, do laundry, get internet service, etc...They said at the agency it's only about a few minutes though.Our particular house doesnt have washer /dryer, no dishwasher, and has one a.c. unit to cool the whole place (not central air). So we are hoping we can "survive" ..lol!
But, hey, with the beach in the front yard, an umbrella, wine & a good book, i am suuuuuurreee i will be just fine!
Right now....our whole area (southern central PA) has major flooding everywhere. I havent been to work for 2 days , not just because of that , but also my classes were cancelled. I didnt work Monday due to the holiday either. Although it seems great that i will only work 2 days this week and i am on salary, i am unsure how this will play out in the end. A tad worried that something bad will happen, like them deciding to eliminate my position or reprimanding me for not driving to an office just to sit there all day & do nothing.
Well, come what may, i will have to deal with it. Hope y'all like my painting..as usual, still a work in progress!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Life is strange

Being humbled by my creator , i have come to also understand that despite the difficulties of life on the outer banks, i would still purchase property there if i had the chance. I cannot explain it. but the sirens call has definitely reached me for so many years. I would take the chances, stay during evacuations, and make my home there, despite all. This is also known as "love is blind"...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Smack- Murphy's law meets My Luck!

Well, my wonderful luck strikes again. It appears as though not only will we not be able to go on vacation to our beach house for the 2 weeks sept11th-25th, now we will also be losing the $3,ooo we paid for it because we didnt purchase the optional insurance. Thanks Irene.
So , not only can we not afford to go somewhere else now, but we will not ever see that money again.
I spent half the day looking for free or cheap alternatives to try & salvage some kind of vacation. I looked into volunteering for clean up on Hatteras- no luck- as well as rv rentals, campsites, etc. hoping for something cheap. RV rentals are as expensive as our vacation rental plus we'd have to pay site costs.Camping sites are pretty much booked except for the really awful ones.
Fortunately my daughter & her husband have generously offered for us to stay with them on their vacation in Myrtle beach for the first week free of charge, which is awesome of them. So we will hopefully do that at least. The second week we may just come home and try to take free day trips on the motorcycle, do picnics or something.Unless a miracle happens we will just have to suck it up.
The worst part is we have worked so hard this year, so many overtime hours, not even seeing each other just to get ahead enough so we could finally relax. We compromised on so many things, didnt spend any extra money on ourselves, and kept telling each other we would make up for it on vacation.
I spent more money this year giving to others in tithes, charities, gifts,and my time than i ever have.I had to say no to so many things because of my budget.This is just a huge slap in the face.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Elementary, my dear Watson!

Well, since everyone else is writing about the earthquake, i guess i'll express a little sentiment here.
I was in a conference room area in Chambersburg, pa. testing a nurse on her vent skills. When we emerged, the office staff were murmuring excitedly . Curious, i listened for a few minutes, genuinely confused. I started asking a few questions. One girl says "Wow, didnt you feel the earthquake?"Dumb-founded i say"uh, no...what earthquake?" . The whole room goes silent, looking at me like deer in headlights. So, i shrug and say"i'm from Dillsburg"..a noticeable "Ooohhh" passed over the room and knowing looks ensued.
You see , Dillsburg , pa is the earthquake swarm capital of the world. We are used to vibrating intermittently as we go about our days.We are used to our homes shaking a bit, and the sound of a passing train coming through our living rooms occasionally.And , i say this "collectively".
For, while all around me here in Dillsburg, up to and including the host of persons in other towns, have all actually felt the earth quakes, i personally have not.My husband has , my daughter has, my son in law has.My brother even has.

I am now convinced, I must have some serious equilibrium problems.
It's either that or the size of my superior brain has somehow managed to internally compensate for the unsuitable environmental surroundings occasionally experienced by humans- much like an anti-virus in computers.
Yup, i have genetically engineered anti- earthquake software in there!
:D

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Anniversary ANGER!

Oh, soooo...
Here was the lovingly drafted message my husband received yesterday as he arrived home from work. Printed on elegant cardstock with a fading blue heart at the bottom. It read:
"Happy Anniversary ,Darling and welcome to...a night of togetherness.

We will begin our evening with a sumptuous candlelit dinner featuring a seafood medley- crab cakes with shrimp, lemon dill swai fish, with a side of summer squash & broccoli baked with Parmesian & mozzarella cheese.

Next, we will attend a 4:45pm showing of "The Rise of the Planet of the Apes".
After which will return home for a short easy run (to get the endorphins flowing).

Finally we shall retire together in our luxury master suite for a whirlpool bubble bath, followed by a relaxing Swedish massage from your wife with your choice of delightful massage oils.

The evening will end with the union of our bodies, expressing our unending love for each other as husband & wife!

So, here's how it REALLY went down.He comes in..reads it.."I have a Migraine".
I serve the meal."What's in this squash? it has something crunchy in it. I'm not eating anymore of it."i clean up & tell him to change so we can make the movie on time- he does so- grudgingly.
We watch the movie & afterward he says "It didn't have enough action in it." We arrive back home , i go up to change for the run. He says"Right now?" and practically scowls complaining of all kinds of physical ailments, but goes.We get back home. I head up to run the whirlpool & light the candles, start the music.20 minutes later i come down to find him still in the toilet, playing a solitaire handheld game. I tell him i've been waiting for him for 20 minutes. He comes up, all but refuses to get in the tub, but finally gives in. After which i have to coerce him to lie down for a massage.He grumbles about that. Doesn't even wanna take his underwear off.Afterwards, i am about at the end of my rope so, rather than saying something mean, i just lay there and wait for the "union" to be over with.

Let's see here...if i was to present this to, say, oh about 75% of the HOT ,HOT guys at our gym....i am sure i would have been covered in compliments,thank you's, kisses , and been moaning in pleasure by the end of the night , falling into a deep, satisfied sleep.
Hmmm.....Now, where did i put that wedding ring? Can't seem to find it...oh my...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

A Singular Problem


Today has been a wash. After two previous weekends with no fun stuff going on, and my husband "conveniently" working, i spent yet another weekend alone.
I get real sick of having to entertain myself every weekend & hardly seeing my so-called husband . We have gone from a married couple , to room mates, to pen pals and i am constantly asking myself why i got married in the first place. Certainly not to spend almost every free moment alone, in anticipation of the 2 weeks of vacation once per year.
And another thing. Why are all my weekends clogged up with chores? housework, groceries,cooking....it takes the fun out of working monday through friday.I know i should'nt complain. My husband is a good man, and a good provider. And at least i have a job.
There are many blessings.
But sometimes i can't help but thinking i might as well be single.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

woo hoo!

And i have discovered that goldfish make great croutons!!

Monday, August 8, 2011

So Excited!

Well, tomorrow's the big day. I cart my newly framed canvasses to the library to hang them in all their hard earned loveliness.I know this step is going to move me forward. I just had to dive in, and, as they say, believe in myself. My next stop will be a larger library, perhaps, or a restaurant that exhibits original art. The goal is not to sell , but to gain exposure.The selling of this collection, titled "Genesis: The Ocean" includes 7 pieces .They are all 11"X 14" acrylic on canvas.I did include 2 16"x 20" ones as well, but they are only ocean related & not part of the collection. Tonight , i spent time making the labels for them and placing them , gently swaddled , into my car for the morning.
I keep hoping i can get enough confidence to actually approach a Gallery someday.I have been reading about this, and apparently the suggested route is to visit several galleries you are interested in for 6months to a year so as to gain perspective on their usual style.Sounds good.But i have to find ones that won't break my budget.
Anyhoo..we shall see....(holding my breath)

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Dusting off the old Brewer

Well, this morning i had it with my Keurig Platinum Coffee maker. For several months now, it has been on the fence, wavering between success and failure in the art of brewing >if this thing had a sports contract, it would've been sitting on the "d" list for half a season!Most mornings lately i have had the dread of banging the thing on the side half a dozen times with increasing vigor, raising the lid & re- pushing the brew button about 4 times for 1 cup of coffee.Mind you, this is the replacement brewer purchased in June of 2010, so-not that old. The original Keurig lasted approximately 2.5 -3 years.
So , after the coffee workout and listening to the wretched high-pitched whining for the umpteenth morning, i tried removing the screws on the bottom to look inside for the grinding , squealing parts thinking i could maybe oil them or something.But no, it's a bunch of wires & electronics up in there which do not lend themselves to maintenance by the average Joe.
So i spend 2 hours looking for the receipt to send it back for repairs. Found the box, found the instruction manual- no receipt.
Went out on a mission to price a replacement- both Target & Walmart price them at $119-149 apiece. No thank-you.
I decided to go back to my old fashioned coffee maker with the glass carafe. This made a trip to the store necessary since i had given away my old filters and had no ground coffee.
But, let's put this into perspective. I just spent $7.49 on a bag of Starbuck's premium House Blend. I spent $1.00 on a 100 pk of filters.Gee, $8.49 for approx. 34 cups of coffee. That's like 25 cents a cup!. Keurigs cost $7.49 for 12 cups -totaling 63 cents a cup.So , total savings:
38 cents a cup!!
And , i just noticed that if i turn my empty Starbucks bag in to one of their shops, as long as it's at least 30days before the sell by date i get a FREE 12 0z cup of their awesome brewed coffee- saving another $2.00 or so.Cool.
Now , let me tell you of the rest of this little adventure....
I get the bag of coffee & filters home. I rummage through bins in the basement & find my old brewer.I read the label on the bag and estimate that for 12 cups @ 2tbsp per 6 oz. cup i will need 24 tbsp. But this doesn't seem right after measuring out only 11 tbsp. and filling an entire measuring cup. So i just put the one cup of grounds into the filter, add the water and turn it on.
When it's done i go to empty the filter compartment.I find that the water has overflowed the grounds and now i have a mess. I unplug the machine & carry it to the sink,( griping the whole way)& rinse it out .Next i have this full carafe of coffee that i am not going to drink right now . I decide i should taste a sip anyway- WOW- this is expresso. You cannot even see thru the stuff when held up to sunlight. I decide i am going to store this concoction in the fridge in a covered pitcher after adding another half carafe of water (which improved the flavor tremendously) so...NOW i have about another 6 cups and this reduces my cost to around 20 cents a cup ( i think, the math got really confusing for me).
Overall this will save me approx. 15.00 every 2 weeks on groceries= $390/year!!!!
Here are a few other recent savings:
-bought 2 separate brands of razor handles so i could utilize coupons as they became available on either
-getting prices on bulk canvas from a tarp dealer to save oodles on canvas frames-making my own! and, i found the stretching tool at a 75% discount in a bargain bin- $5.00 instead of $2o. My daughter gave me her "found" old wood window frames to use as the frames=free! Additionally i am buying more paint & paint supplies at Lowes's instead of Micheals because i can get bulk amounts for much cheaper.
-i stopped using sugar packets- now use bulk sugar bags again
-i switched from using pre packed disposable coffee cups with lids to generic plain styrofoam cups without lids. i get 20 for 97 cents instead of 12 for 2.49. Yes, i know i could use a non-disposable cup- but i truly hate them because then i have more dishes to wash .
i could go on & on, but....

On another note, today i just decided to get some courage and i spoke with the library about exhibiting my canvasses. I am so glad i did. They were wonderful and are allowing me to exhibit from this tues. til Labor day! This prompted me to take my coupons to Micheals to get the rest of the frames- i got everything to the counter & was told i can't use them til tomorrow-i was really upset- but, God works in lovely ways. They are holding my order in the back until tomorrow and guess what! The frames actually go on sale (half-off) tomorrow and i can still use the coupons for 25% off the total order!i I just saved 75%...

I .am. on. a. roll.


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Moping in the Morning

Mornings.
Gotta love 'em.
When i was young i remember hardly being able to contain myself, bouncing outta bed at 5 or 6 am excited to watch cartoons and play with my friends. Anticipating eating my favorite cereal (Life) and digging out the "prize".Sneaking cookies & other goodies into my room and arguing with my mom about taking a bath ("One day you will want to take a bath"-i didn't believe her!).
When i started middle school , i recall having to start getting up earlier to catch the bus. The first year wasn't bad.I had more independence, an a la carte line in the cafeteria, and started wearing mascara.But then i think the next one was where my decline in excitement about mornings began.
Setting my alarm, dragging myself out of bed, standing in the cold or rain at the bus stop somehow made it lose it's charm.Of course, i still had things to look forward to- school dances, my first boyfriend, experimenting with fashion, and gossiping with my 3 best friends.
Then , moving on to high school.
At first, this wasnt so bad either. As a freshman, i was one of the "freshmeat" for the cool high school boys, which by now was pretty great since i was already boy crazy.Plus, i was still bigger than my younger brothers and could still boss them around a bit.
Then , with newer friends, i started being invited to parties, working my first after school job, and had a telephone in my bedroom.I wore high heels sometimes, went to football games, and
had my first heartbreak.
Going into my twenties seems like life was still fresh almost.I worked a fulltime job, went out with friends, moved around alot,went to concerts, went through a slew of relationships, raised 2 children and filed bankruptcy.
In my thirties is where i believe the beginning of mornings demise began.After a longtime love & i split up, i went into a period of mourning, regrets, drinking binges, meaningless sex, and depression.By the time i had met my current husband the exuberant energy was almost depleted. Sure, i had a few good years in the late 30's-doing yoga, still working out, exploring my newfound internet world and finding my life's career in nursing. But the zip was dwindling.
These days, mornings are routine, boring and sometimes downright mean. I feel every ache from going to the gym the night before, my eyes water for hours while i sneeze and sniff with allergy symptoms, and work out the stresses of the upcoming day in my head.
I look in my closet at the same clothes i've had for 5-10 years, bathe,drink my coffee & fight with the coffee maker's little idiosynchosies,pack my lunch , pet my cats, and leave for work.
When life is losing it's luster, what does one do?


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

If I had a Hammer......

I'd use it on the person who constantly frustrates my efforts to do my job.
Yes, once again, the same woman has me boiling.
I submitted 2 in-services for her approval in July. One was a required in service for August for the HHA's . Since she has ignored them and yesterday left for vacation, despite promises to HR that she would look at them and send her recommendations or approval by monday morning.
I sat at our one office branch yesterday and watched 3 employee's come in to get the in service -made a special trip in just to get it, and have to be turned away.
This is complete crap!
I work very hard on these things , and i can't stand her lack of consideration. I realize that she is exceeeeeedingly busy.But, as i have suggested several times, why can't she simply assign someone else to proofread these things.
It's unfair to our employees . Not just the aides & nurses, but the case managers who request certain topics to be addressed due to an issue they are having with field employees. I do the research, put it together and submit it.Then it goes to "congress" and just sits there waiting.
reminds me of the Schoolhouse Rock clip about Congressional Bills."I'm just a Bill, yes i'm only a Bill..and I'm sitting here on Capital Hill..."
I wonder what would happen if i just neglected my duties and went on vacation. I wonder if i'd have a job when i returned.
There's a thing called delegation, Mrs. Apathetic. Use it.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Not About Me

I think i am getting out of control. At first, it was just relaxing and social. But now, i think i've hit a wall. Too many social get togethers that include alcohol are NOT good for the body , mind or soul.
I do believe that upon re-assessment, i will be placing some limits on myself regarding wine.I have to. Because it's pretty bad when you can drink almost 2 bottles by yourself over the course of a day and still not be drunk , or even hungover the next day.And, it's pretty bad when that is what you spend your weekly allowance on every other week($40).
In fact, yesterday, during an inpromptu drop in visit from a friend, i spent 137.oo to stock up. This netted me 9 bottles.Two are gone.Even though i shared half a glass with a new friend, and spilled one whole glass....still...

So i have to figure out what to do..

And another thing...this whole Facebook issue-- getting on my nerves. I have got to cut back. No one even comments on my paintings or videos or anything most of the time anymore. Meaning, i think, that they are sick of me. And, as absence makes the heart grow fonder, i need to lay low for awhile.
So, i'll make it not about me.
I need to realize that people have other things to do besides read my blog, respond to my posts and compliment my art.I am not that important, and , perhaps i have been a tad egocentric.
So, the run will end for awhile.
Tea is on the menu.
And a lot of sober painting.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Dream on , sweet dreamer...

Today's phone interview with the other company was not as good as i anticipated.First there was the discussion about how i would be still doing supervisory visits(which is fine if they are occasional) and then there was the discussion about the hours- 8a- 6p mon-fri plus any additional needed. And last, but not least, the pay- sadly the increase in salary was not near what i expected for such an increase in responsibility . My background is very well rounded in this area. I would have a lot to learn with formats on the computer and with insurance compliance, etc. But that is standard training wherever you go in this position.And at the end of the 1 hour conversation, i mentioned that i had a vacation coming up in September for 2 weeks that was already pre-planned for a year & paid for without any cancellation reimbursements allowed, coupled with the fact that we both work hard all year and watch everyone else go on vacation all summer. I will not give that up..and the comment was " i don't know that the company could or would extend that time to you but i will talk to...(someone)".Overall i didnt get a warm , fuzzy feeling.

So , i did a sup. visit Saturday. Boy, i just got another shocked reminder about how some nurses can even get a license , much less , keep one!The nurse i visited was in so much violation of the state practice act, i could barely stand to know she was hired.She was actually giving a patient a med based on what he said she should give him. There was an incorrect order written (grossly different than our orders and the bottle itself) . Not to mention that she signed it and the client said he gave it to himself because she was late(which she didnt argue).Later i asked her why she signed it she said she just did that because she gave him "X" amount today as he requested!..Arrrgh! When i arrived asking where the nurse was , he says"oh...she's probably upstairs sleeping"as if this was ok.The client was worse- he was cursing & saying " just put the F*cking bottle back on the shelf & don't f*cking touch it!That 'll solve all of this- you people don't have any business f*cking knowing about my meds." Man, what a nightmare.
Nursing can be such a DREAM.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Time to really Re-do the Budget

When i first started this blog the motivation was simple- cut back. Wanting less was the theme and over the years i've moved in & out of this depending on circumstance.
Let me just say the other factors have been hours i worked, school expenses, children in /out of the home, pet expenses & crisis, and ,oh yeah - MY HUSBAND!
I really wish he would get on board with my desire to be debt free. I wish now that i had pushed more but i guess after about 5 years, i ran out of steam. He pays all the bills now excpet the mortgage & groceries. I have tried to reduce those costs but with the economy tanking, my house appraised 19,500 less that when i bought it & i wouldnt be hardly saving anything to refinance. It's still smart to reduce the mortgage by 5 years , get a better rate, and save $50...but if i would have to put out the 3300 in taxes & wait indefinitely to get it back from my old mortgage company right before vacation, it won't work.
First of all i still have to give my son 2,000 for school next month & i only have 5,000 left in savings at this point. I am still wavering about my job and have applied at another company again. I hate the prospect of giving up my freedom & flexibility for something that i will hate. But if they REALLY make it worth my while, i need to bite the bullet. I need at least 15,000 more per year to even consider a move.And there has to be a better 401k plan where the company contributes.
On a smaller scale i have to write up a new budget reduction plan. One thing i need to do is change my cell phone plan.But i am in a contract and that makes it a very expensive endeavor to do so.It isnt up until may 2012.Then i want to go to an unlimited text only plan, have people start calling my house phone again & emailing me instead...we already pay for both anyway.Also, i have to reduce the electric bill . Problem is, Hubbs pays for that so it won't even affect me.Damn...i just wish he would give me the extra cash when i save him money...i could re-invest it and make a mint. If only he would give me cash instead of needing to buy me lavish gifts. Grrr...i've tried to sell him on these ideas, but no-go.The only other way to make extra cash is get a PT weekend job (also ending my freedom) or sell more paintings (unlikely- mainly since i don't know how to promote/market myself and cannot paint fast enough).
Another thought- cancel my current gym membership....even though i just started going regularly again, and even though(again) this will save Hubbs & not me, at least i will save the gas driving there. Maybe i can convince him to join a gym closer to us that's cheaper. After all, i have been very disappointed with ours lately anyway.
I have been scaling down in the painting department, using gallon paint from Lowes instead of acrylic in small amounts from Michael's, and have acquired almost all the materials i need to stretch my own canvas.I just need the canvas.
Oh well, i'll keep trying.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

Potty Problems


ok..here we go.....10 things women never wanna hear in the next stall in a public bathroom:

1. "ewwww....oh my god...gross...what the??!"(courtesy of my daughter today-i laughed til i cried!)
2. "where the hell r the urinals?hiccup.... "(male voice)
3.ppppfffffttt..then a few splashes.....pfffffftttt...splash, splash
4." dang it !...... out of diapers AGAIN. It's ok , mom, we'll just wad up some toilet paper for now."
5. "shoot, he said he pulled out. I'm gonna kick his a**!!"
6.(over a walkie -talkie) (crackle , crackle)- "Roger that.....We saw it run in here.We're on it.Over."
7. flush. groooooaaaann....bang bang bang....whooosh.....clang ...clang
8."hey , anybody got a plunger?"
9.the rustling of a fast food bag
10."ooooo man...i knew i shouldnt have mixed that whiskey with mexican food"....barf

Friday, July 15, 2011

Professional Courtesy vs. Machaiavelli

What is so hard about understanding professional courtesy.....since i've already explained about the 3 emails when only one would've resolved it..let's just "move forward' , shall we, into the present....

Let's say you get an email from your vice president , out of left field reminding you in not so many words to mind your p's & q's about an issue that is not and has never been an issue.

ok, so would'nt you ask what he/she is referring to, so as to clear up any misperceptions or confusions? a normal response (unless , of course you are an indentured servant, or slave)

so the response you get is "do not challenge my statements!" with a side dish (read: subtle threat)of "you , the director & i will discuss this at next weeks mandatory meeting".

so, i , being very bewildered about this sudden bizarre outburst sent a response stating that i wasnt challenging him, rather that i agreed with him, but wondering where this was coming from. No response.

i send an email to HR...(still being bewildered) with this response" i can see why someone in his position would percieve your phrase "i am not sure why this has become an issue today" as a challenge to his authority".O.M.G......am i completely missing something?

I am now convinced that this is indeed the Stepford company and they are all brainwashed.
Since when does a lack professional perception (of an email) entitle a person of authority to be disrespectful and rude. Doesnt that speak of his own insecurities? I mean who would figure a VP would feel so threatened by a question of clarification as as a challenge to his authority?

Can we say "Machiavallien Hierarchy?" I am just about at my tolerance level in regards to personal humiliation. I like a level playing field where all players are equals. I consider NO ONE but God higher or superior to myself.Least of all some runt who's obviously power-tripping.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Budget,Work, & Mortgage Woes

Been a long week so far. I had to help with supervisory visits for two branches and be available for classes. Tonight i am on call from 7p-11p for emergency calls.Oddly i only have two classes left to teach. Yesterdays got cancelled so i was able to paint & go to the gym. After work today i hope to go to the gym again, as well as tomorrow( but that may be up in the air). I truly hate how my schedule changes day to day & not knowing what i am going to be doing.
Monday i have a job interview. The position , according to an online source, is supposed to pay 65-80,000 salary in PA. which might make it worth it. The position is a director of clinical services and would be mostly office work...not my favorite thing. But , unfortunately, my house appraise at 270,000 -- 19,500 below what it was 5 years ago. Hell, we bought it for 284,000. I hate this housing market. Anyway, that means i would only save 50 /month by refinancing.
i have decided that if i don't need to bring any $ to the table at closing(meaning the 3300 for taxes) i will do it anyway. It will still save me 5 years and the interest rate is a lot lower.

So if i would get a higher paying job it would really help my budget. I would just hate life everyday. That's all. No big deal.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Auntie Artist

Working on this one....
But today i shall watch my niece..we are going to a playground then to the toy stor...back to my house, then back to Daddy tonight. I havent kept her in a while. She's such a cutie patootie!
I hate having to take her away from her home in some ways though, i probably should've just
watched her at her dad's but i havent brought her to my place in several months. At least here i have internet, cable and no large affectionate dogs to contend with.I hope i can keep her content and it isnt adding to her upheavals as of late. Her mom is now out of jail and she is being transferred around so much.Poor thing. Makes one wonder how kids survive the things they do.

Friday, July 8, 2011

She's an Idiot

Tell me, oh do...how does this make sense?
I send an email to this "woman" who obviously has issues with me, but there's no way of avoiding contact with (since , in the absence of the former clinical director, she has become my boss---shudder)

..no way of telling this story without sounding illiterate and i henceforth apologize.

anyhoo, i needed for her to re-send an email containing information on the location of a mandatory meeting . i had looked through vast amounts of emails trying to find it because i soooo dreaded having to ask her anything. well, i explained that i culdnt find it and could she please re-send me the info. ..or give me the address.

Here's what she does (So Typical)...sends me an email stating that she already sent it to my other email address and i had not yet accepted it. no further info....just that statement.

deep sigh..... i sent a response stating that i had already searched for it & really , really can't find it. could she please re-send it.
does she do that ? NO.
She sends me an email saying that another person will send it to me on her behalf.
And he does...

What kind of retard plays these stupid games? how hard was it for her to have simply responded with the address the first time?

I can hardly WAIT to see her at the meeting. She's such a shit head. Yes, i said it. I mean , seriously...is she a 2 year old? What kind of person needs that level of control, a petty, non functional , non rational type of control?

If this doesnt sink our ship, i don't know what will.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Saturday, July 2, 2011

On the Move


I'm starting to think i have lost the ability to eat in a non-moving environment. Seriously, i drive & eat in my car so much that , even when i am at home or in the office, i literally have to stand up & walk around while eating or it does'nt feel right.
This weekend, while it is true that it is a much needed break from work, was supposed to be just staying home & relaxing. But really, does that EVER happen?
No.

Every weekend, i have to catch up on house work & go to church.
Every other weekend i get groceries.
And, because i have no desire to be a complete recluse, i try to say yes to at least 1 invite, or arrange a get together of some sort with a friend or family member. Otherwise, eventually i would have no one.

June's weekend activities included a NY bus trip with my daughter, a visit to a girl with CP for her 19th birthday,a dinner & billiards with a friend,and a trip to a state park with a friend from church and another friends little girl- then going to my daughter's housewarming "Mexican Fiesta" afterwards.

So, now this weekend, coming after a 54 hr work week (one of the days i worked 18) i was looking forward to rest.But i was invited to go to a friends for a cook out & wine.
Now you might say "why didn't you just say no?"Well, the fact is i did have to say no to this person several times in the past few months because of other plans & work.So i couldn't very well say no again.
But mostly because i really like this friend & haven't seen him in ages. He started a new job in an ICU and i am excited to hear about it.Since he is gay, i am also wondering if he & his partner are planning to be wed now that NY has passed the law allowing it in their state.

The real downside is two fold..if i drink more than 1 glass (and i will) i will not drive. So i have to stay over. Tomorrow i need to attend church so that means getting up early to drive home & get ready.Also, my body doesn't recover as quickly as it used to from debauchery, so i may feel like crap. And my husband & i have plans to watch the fireworks & eat funnel cake at the riverside Sunday night.

My only saving grace is Monday. I have off as a paid holiday. I WILL DO NOTHING. I will paint,...... and be lazy.

After all, i must gear up for another month of activity.....

Friday, June 24, 2011

A message from the weird....

ok..well, you cant know true freedom til you have peed in your front yard!HA!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Corinthians 8:7

"But just as you excel in everything -in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness & in your love for us- see that you also excel in this grace of giving".

What is meant here ? Why does it matter to anyone?last night i realized that i had not completed my mission to explore the 10 chosen verses related to giving and that, along with some other things, this was a sign of my recent fall from grace(as it were).I have re-committed to it and , hence, and consider it's meaning.

This only just hit me as i was typing it---yes, really!Truly! i actually had no idea what would come of merely typing the words. But----God is good. I instantly realized how it plays into my own life.
First- i am an educator, a teacher of sorts, who , by description must teach (and at least partly) usually in speech. I endeavor daily to express myself clearly and meaningfully to my "students" in order to convey my heart felt compassion for my chosen vocation in pediatric home care.I strive to constantly update my knowledge so i can earnestly state that i have given my whole heart to teaching in excellence , the skills necessary to give total, quality care to our clients and their families.

Many times in faith, i have delved into questions or research based solely on a request, a suggestion , a concern , or an unanswered query.Other times i have been given the grace to say "i don't actually know, but i will find out for you ".

Marvelous is He who understands the human heart & compassions we sometimes endure..even when laden with strife, discomfort, uneasiness, or frustration.For He has been of the flesh, and therefore has suffered the pains of our burdens. He understands that we can make poor choices, speak foolishly, become prideful, be tempted.He has paid the price, and pays it daily when we return to our sins.

And, for all of the things i do in my "profession"...most of all i am commissioned to profess my faith, honor and glorify His name, and speak no untruth unto His grace and mercy.

There are so many in my world who judge me for my religion, my beliefs. I constantly hear the back lash, even if silent, of those who would say "Bible-thumper" or "to each his own" or "whatever floats your boat"..even"whatever works for you".

I say, some day , if they cannot see the truth..it will fall upon them and, in bewilderment, they will then say "what have i done, why didnt i see?"

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Second Bucket List


Now that i have officially completed my FIRST bucket list i have begun the second..Here's the first one (started at age 21-one night in a bar-lol- but many added over the next few years after that):
get an original poem published
run a 5k
have an amazing career i love
go to disney
take a cruise
become a mechanic
own a home
learn to rock climb
go white water rafting
sell an original piece of art
go to or live in colorado
bungee jump
own a cat
take a hot air balloon ride
ride an elephant
learn to kayak
climb a lighthouse
go on a missions trip
read the entire bible
hold or touch an alligator
sleep , have sex , and drive on the beach

YES! i have accomplished them all, in no particular order.
Soooo, now on to my 2nd list

1. sell 100 paintings
2. grow my hair waste-length
3. write & record an original song
4.scuba dive
5. visit a part of europe
6.go to hawaii, grand canyon, and niagra falls
7.stage act in a theatrical play
8.pet a tiger
9.chase a tornado
10. ride a segway

That's all i got for now, but at least i've made it official. And, btw- i joined bucketlist.org so i can check out other peoples lists and keep track of my goals ! yay me!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

OUCH, OUCH, & more OUCH!!!


This is my response to the d*mn mammogram i got this morning!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Finally..now that i put it on you tube!!

Little Miss Understood


Little Miss Understood

She lived in a very squat little house at the edge of town. In fact, it was even a very squat little town if one looked closely enough. All of it’s residents were squished into tacky pre-constructed housing or musty old row homes. The streets were lined with pot-holes, debris, and semi-settled persons of varying heights, weights, and dispositions.

All-in-all , a smartly average, unassuming town.

Mostly the town seemed interested in pursuing it’s status of pickle stardom, and Farmer's market fair fame. No one stood out, no one challenged the status quo, and no one dressed even the least bit unusually.

So, Miss Understood mainly stayed in her home out of fear that she might somehow offend the neighbors or a townsperson with her somewhat unorthodox views on life--- things like “It would be very inconvenient if I were to not have a regular income” and “A teacher should generally have the materials she needs to teach her classes”- which at one point or another had created great tides of conflict amongst the inner circles in which she was forced to travel. At times, even a forgotten teacup or taking a short break from tight shoes had caused discomfort and rumors had swirled for days concerning her very sanity!!

No, No…far better to stay indoors, venturing out when only absolutely necessary. Indeed, a stranger had just recently told her she should never speak to anyone but him, because no one liked her and she could be setting herself up for a bad situation!!

However, sometimes one just cannot seem to breathe indoors any longer and must step a few steps out the front door, despite all of one’s misgivings. And on the day Miss Understood decided to do just that......

A cry of utter outrage, shrieks of censure, and general chaos ensued.

It seemed as though someone heard in a gust of wind that just moments ago , Miss Understood had made statements of pure hatred toward one of the neighbors.

“I heard her! She said it! She DID! It was clear as a bell—she said she was after us and wanted to kill all of us!”

The Mayor was contacted, the fire department sounded the alarms…..nasty emails and phone calls were placed. Miss Understoodwas surrounded and insults were hurled in her direction…

“Bible-thumper! Job Stealer! Incorrectly dressed Part-Timer!’

Confused, she immediately ducked back into her front door. She had not even opened her mouth! How could she have uttered these insane things? Determined to find out, Miss Understood marched to her computer to do some research…..

To be continued……

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Tomfoolery

Well, uploading my video didnt work for some reason. It works wonderfully on Facebook however...i am quite proud of it. I will be writing some short stories in the future and exploring some other creative venues....so WATCH OUT!!I'm a creative fool right now!Reading two good books right now.."a Guide to Rational Living" and "Toxic People"..i get to explore such crazys as "the Emotional Refridgerator","the Bitchy Bossy Bully",the "Me, Myself &I Narcissist" and others.....

My stories characters will reflect life from the inside of MY brain...Bwahaha! & my first one will be called Miss Understood..i can't wait...

Monday, May 30, 2011

oh wait!

Now i got the right information...my neighbor emailed me to inform me that the get together was only 4 or 5 families with small children...i see. I need to buy some children to get invited..lol!Either way, i have realized i need to get over this & start living a life again. I've been hating most of my co-workers,doing nothing but painting & drinking wine.I havent been going to the gym , or doing any serious Bible study. My life is WAY off track. No wonder i'm depressed. I have to set some goals.
Wednesday i am starting back to the gym again...even if it kills me.i will go thurs & friday evening also. i will tan several days.I will start eating better, and drinking more water (i'm actually doing pretty good with fluids-herbal teas & water lately) . I need to put some applications in for at least a part time weekend job so i can make some extra money. With salary there's no overtime....but i have to draw the line now.i have stopped contributing to my 401k for awhile since my company stopped matching/contributing.Also...they are still not reimbursing me right.That needs to change.
I am cutting back my weekly savings & some other stuff...k...my freind is here...Gotta go!

Hear my Cry

It's official. I AM a complete outcast. Last night as i was leaving for work , i noticed my neighbor & her husband out on their lawn, dressed up. As i drove away i saw them walking towards another neighbors house. I knew instantly that there was a get together.One to which we had'nt been invited. I even pretty much knew which house it was at. I drove to work in extreme depression. After a while , i had talked myself into "Maybe it's just a small dinner party, or they are meeting about this "extreme makeover"thing thats coming to Dillsburg soon "(some in the hood are helping with it, but its not til later in the summer). So i was kind of ok, but still bugged. Curious, i drove the long way around the development to see if i could spot the party.
Lo & behold...there it was. The house RIGHT NEXT TO MINE..and all the people who i had thought were friends (at least casually) having their little soiree . They even saw me drive by (yes it was dark but my vanity plate is very well known) . When that bomb hit me, i came home, still trying to recover & talk myself into a more comforting explaination "Maybe they thought we werent home, or would be working. Maybe someone will walk over & invite me now that they see i'm here"
Nope.
The music got louder. Kids played & laughed happily in the streets.I even sat on my front porch in case anyone would walk by & wave.
Nope.
Long story short, i cried myself to sleep.I have no idea what i could have done to warrant being ostracized like this. I keep turning stuff over in my head..i did get a bit tipsy at the christmas party, but the worst thing i did was wear a tank top under a blouse (some cleavage, i guess) and nibbled on my husbands ear (PDA- but much needed time of affection). I even spent an entire hour that night out in the freezing cold listening to one of their drunk friends cry about her life-just because i felt bad no one else was listening to her.
I thought about all kinds of other things- have i accidentally not shut my blinds once when i was changing?Maybe they sent me an email i never got...Either way, i feel like a complete loser. With all the stuff at work making me feel like a pariah, and now this, i am sinking deeper & deeper into depression. I have tried & tried to lift myself up, but things just keep getting worse. Even several good friends have been avoiding me lately it seems and my husband keeps working longer & longer hours.
It's as if no one wants to be around me and yet they won't tell me why. I try really hard to be upbeat around them (not down in the face like i feel) i try to cover it up and pretend it's all ok.
BUT, it's not. It's definitely NOT.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Black Swan

I am very upset that someone has stolen my life story and hit the rewind button. "Black Swan" is a movie i have watched over & over (alone , of course) and i am convinced that, aside from changing the name (nina-ha!) they have changed the career to "ballerina" and just plagerized the rest!!!
Anyway, alone again and drinking the Vino, i cannot be counted on for accuracy.However, doesnt it seem strange when you have seen something a million times & you just can't shake the feeling someone has been watching you?

First of all i can totally identify with not only the white swan (my major life character) but also the sweet, deep, intense desires of the black counterpart.Additionally the mother ...she rocks the guilt side of my persona....

Someone owes me some royalties...and p.s....if you are a man reading this...sorry..you will just NEVER get it....lol!

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Dart Board Project

Alot has been going on. First, i want to say i had a very pleasant weekend with my good friend Fred in Jim Thorpe, pa.The kayak class was wonderful and the company even better. I look weird in a wet suit though, and i lost a very expensive pair of sunglasses to the lake we practiced our eskimo rolls in on the first day. Then i lost a bottle of wine to a maid the next day, but that's a whole other story!
On the scene in Satan's Den (A.K.A.- work)- i tried to be considerate to someone who completely stabbed me in the back and i have suffered much abuse and accusations. I was blamed for her resigning, after she accused me of making horrible statements to her(like"i'm going to take your job and you are not going to have any work")....things i could never say to someone, especially a person i thought was a friend. Wow.

My supervisor made me feel like i caused a huge mess and when i defended myself (basically telling him i did not say these things and the girl had been talking about quitting for quite awhile now r/t office staff & scheduling)said that "these angry emails need to stop...you are setting yourself up for a bad situation"

Later, he left a message for me to call him and "make sure you are composed before you call".

So he proceeds to tell me after discussing the events that i should not ever contact anyone but him about anything.He is the only person i am to go through because no one else is on my side and you can't trust anyone of them..."they are not your friends, trust me".

I need a huge aspirin, a few large pics of my "enemies", and some darts.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sleepin with the Dragon

Found in a back yard in Jim Thorpe..love it! Reminds me of an old value system i had.....A young King Author says " what do i do, Merlin?"
Merlin replies "Do nothing.Sleep ....in the arms of the Dragon."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I am going to explode

...so, quick disclaimer...if you don't want to hear me roar....STOP READING RIGHT NOW!
Let me explain...i am now the only "Clinical Education Specialist" in our company ..to my knowledge, the position was only recently created just for me.I teach 3 standard classes- the home health aide competency class, our pedia prep (for nurses coming on board with us) and the ventilator competency class.I had been asked to become a cpr instructor as well so that the company could get out of contracts costing tens of thousands per year for their current instructors.I teach at 4 branches each week in the area.I have gotten the instructor cpr cert. & will soon be teaching that as well.In addition i sub-in for the clinical managers with doing sup. visits, employee evals., chart audits, AND i fill in home care shifts in emergencies. For these tasks i am paid a fairly low end salary. I have 6 years experience in this feild, with this company.

Now that you have my autobiography....Sometime back in december or so i was contacted by a branch in chicago asking if i would help to edit the new Pedia Prep manual. Myself & another woman did this over several months via emails. It was labor intensive.Finally it became "available" in Feb. But , lo & behold, after following orders to print it out, finding it to be an unexpected 800 pages, i was reamed out for doing so and it was removed from access.Then, last week , an email came through that the color copies were ready and would be distributed -one to each branch as a reference tool( not to be given to each employee in the class as our previous 80 page manuals).This i understand due to expenses.

HERE'S THE RUB>

I saw a copy in a branch. I asked if i , as the educator of the class, would be receiving one. I was told "no".I am to use the ones in each branch.I replied that the B&W copy i had was unclear, incomplete and i would like one that i could make notes in for the classes. i offered to pay the purchase price.This is the reply i got-
" these are company property and not for individual sale. please refrain from this questioning & just use the ones in the branches".

#$%^*()()*&^%$..what????i am the teacher and i am not allowed to have a copy of class material? further, i must "refrain" from asking questions???It's bad enough i waited months for a computer, another month for a folding table & chair which are still my "office".No shelves, no bins. It's worse that, out of all the people in our offieces , i am the only one passed over to take the vent training offered only twice per year in Pittsburg...yet that is what i TEACH.

Now, i am not even being given necessary tools to teach with.

I am so done with this shit. This total lack respect, especially from this particular woman. Who the hell is she to keep the manual from me, and tell me not to ask questions?I never get any co operation from her or any type of respect. I am always being castrated, cock-blocked or however you wanna call it- by this petty , childish, control freak.

Lady, i cant help it you're as wide as a bus, miserable and probably loathe yourself & your pathetic life.But i'm just trying to do a JOB here.So get over yourself!Lose some of that fat, dress like you have a dollar, and start showing a little class by at least being polite.



Sunday, May 15, 2011

I desparately need a lift!

I remember not so long ago when i bounced out of bed, full of energy....ready to do what needed done for the day.I recall feeling a sense of accomplishment when i finished my "to do "list. I had a routine, though busy, kept me somewhat effervescent and alive, on the move an in anticipation. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME????
No matter what i do i can't seem to get this heavy lead foot off my back.There is no real reason. I have it all. Is it hormonal? Is it age?Life?Is it simple lack of faith in humanity?Whatever the case, if i don't come out of it soon, i feel like i'll be doomed to a life of hermitage.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Niavety

Ha! i was just told i may not have my Bible visible in the workplace!silly supervisor!why would you say that!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Stone Silent

Wow..it's been a long few weeks. I have been fervently trying to overcome some internal difficulties, mostly without success. You see,depression rears it's ugly head in many forms.Sometimes it's just a numbness that you can learn to cover up with a smile and smalltalk so that others don't know. Why would anyone do this you ask?

Because it's easier than the alternative-explaining why.

Somedays i maybe, kind of want someone to talk to about it. So, once or twice i have tried that route.Both times the person just stared at me, said"it will all be ok" and changed the subject or stated they had to go.SO .....

Why the heck would i try that again?It's funny how people ask you whats wrong and it' really only because they want to hear about the juicy gossip in your life.They really don't care, usually just walk away and within seconds zip right back into their own solely populated little world.For instance- i get these messages on Facebook--"whats wrong-you seem depressed?" so i try to answer and then never hear another peep from them. Or i get quiet and stop being social--"whats wrong?"--sigh "nothing".....what can you tell someone, why would you ? it may just make them depressed too.And it's not their problem anyway.


By far, much easier ( though not healthier) to stay happy or remain silent on the outside, even when your insides are screaming in bloodcurdling, primal rage.

I hate even the word(depression)-it's so selfish and self-centered. I am blessed beyond measure by a God who loves me and is true, pure & just. I have absolutely no reason to sit in my swill of self-pity.I keep trying to get over it by doing for others...But i just keep on moving like a zombie, numb in my pain, and picturing awful things in my head, having nightmares about the end of the world.

So, my friends, sorry for my silence. When i can stop the world from cracking in half daily and then i will be back to my old, happy self.


Monday, April 25, 2011

Plans & stuff

Well, the doctor visit resulted in me getting an inhaler. Ever since then- no cough. Still a little dry & hoarse, especially when talking for long periods. But better than having a coughing jag that hurts my chest!

Today , i finally got my CPR instructor certification. I can do first aide, cpr & aed for adults, children & infants now. For anyone needing an income with minimal investment both financially & time wise- this is the way to go. Class is about 115, then there's two 9 hr. class days. after that you just need to purchase or rent the class supplies. The only fees you pay the Red Cross are for processing the cards to be sent to the class members who pass. It's win-win , and you can find jobs everywhere-- at least that's what i've been told from other instructors.

I have plans to attend the Fairy Fest in Glen Rock this saturday. Never been there before so i'm excited.then sunday i go over to my daughters to help her paint her new house. It will be a long week (lots of classes) and a long weekend. I hope there's low stress...

My new plan with painting is that once i have this last painting paid for( i did for a commission), i want to just paint for fun for awhile. I'd like to have 6-10 decent pieces for the Feb. 2012 showing at a local winery shop & art gallery. I'm excited!Allegro Wines rock!

On May 21st i am going to attend kayak school for the weekend with a friend..so, something different and wonderfully outdoors & active! I'm sure we will have a ton of fun, even while learning & getting wet!!
Well, time to go relax . It's been a very long day....zzzzzzzz

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Doctor Day

Today i finally get to go to the doctors. i will hopefully get some meds or at least info. about this nagging cough.My schedule has been crazy. You would think i work 70 hrs a week.but really , i only work 40 on the clock. most other hours are spent in prep time and driving . i should be able to count the drive time.In fact, i think i'm going to ask. Anything over my regular commute time to & from my home office should be counted.
I took my paintings to a winery/gallery yesterday & have a 1 month showing booked for February
2012. They are booked til then. I think at some point i'll have to approach a few other galleries. I'm so insecure about my work. Especially when i se how great other works are. Always room to improve!
I am alos starting to yen for vacation. And i have to wait til september..arrrgh!i need the ocean, the beach.....i am working on a very large painting right now and would love to have a real ocean nearby for inspiration.
Nothing else new...signing off

Saturday, April 16, 2011

In a Haze....

(This is one of a 3 panel set- a mermaid rising from the sea at night)

I have had a dry cough for so long i am wondering if it's lung cancer.I need to take care of myself soon. These past few months...no, make that this year...no wait...last year has to be included also since i was at the hospital....have really taken a toll on my health & motivation. It seems sometimes that ever since i decided to get my RN, and especially from the point where i starting using the license at a job, my health and inner life was dropped into 3rd or 4th place depending on housework and if it was grocery week.
Oh, sure..there have been a few spurts of valor.I would get so disgusted i would rally and go to the gym for a few weeks.Or i would buy all health food at the grocery store.Even started the vitamins again half-heartedly. But i have not been able to discipline myself as before.
In addition, i havent been reading my bible daily..it's been only a few times a week, in small doses- for instance i will chose a few Psalms or go to where i left the book mark & read a page .
I havent stuck to bible study like i intended. Since the mission trip i have only been back once.
Of course, i can make all the excuses, and they are all noble & all make sense-i have been focusing on my career,dealing with a crazy schedule, trying to help others out at my own expense, depression...even spending more time in my studio (painting my little heart out).
But in the end, it changes nothing. Facts are facts.I have been remiss in my duties of self-care.

Where do i put such a category in my head file? Under "guilt & regret"?or "things i need to remedy" or "oh well" ....or perhaps the dusty file "the results of selflessness"(sub-tiltled "self-pity")?
I just don't know. I hesitate to make a plan, knowing how often they have failed this year. It seems the older i get the more undecided & confused i am. I just can't make decisions. I am wishy -washy..."luke warm"....and it's driving me crazy!!!
In other news....a friend & i have decided to pursue a creative business venture. In order to serve as God leads us as well as preserve the Arts in this economic depression, we will endeavor to promote and help other creative types to grow and prosper. More on this later, it's going to be a process!
Peace

Friday, April 8, 2011

Mornin'

I still haven't decorated my office. I suppose i am a bit hesitant, and a lot cynical.
I want to believe the situation will work out. But i also realize that my net pay is now not enough to live on & i have no opportunity for overtime pay.The only saving grace may be getting expenses back...like mileage.
I have been having other issues on my brain, like the ongoing battle with my brothers situation. He is probably at the point where he is giving up the fight to keep a little girl who loves him so much, and knows no other daddy. She is counting on him to save her, and she cannot stand up for herself. If only it wasnt all about convenience & money.If only i had a claim to her at all.
Other news, i am trying to put together some other ventures in my artist world. Its not easy, but i feel there is something out there to pursue.I am still working on quite a few projects,and i hope to present a draft in a few weeks.
Gotta run, always working!

Friday, April 1, 2011

I still want less

My office is but a folding table, folding chair and an old computer. My walls are barren, the carpet is boring and theres even a plastic molded portable supply closet conveineintly tucked away from everyone elses view in there. I do have a single window.

I'm considering the "fleeing from my home country" minimalist approach. You know, the one depicted by "peggy" in the north pole Capitol One " commercials.

Or i could go with a theme.....pickles? Lurch Adams? Octopus's? hmmm

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Tea for Nitwits

While things were nice & calm on monday, i knew deep inside there was a tempest in a teapot brewing somewhere.
And my home office did not disappoint. Last week when i was there meeting with the uppers , going back & forth between my "office" (a sad little place really, with a small folding table , and a computer- barren of all life) , the conference table & another office, i inadvertently left a cup of tea in my office.
Well, the world must absolutely STOP when this happens. At least at our fidgety li'l office.I found it on tuesday, realized i had forgotten it and disposed of it. But today, i was informed that it was "noted" and complained about.
Wow...perhaps next week they shall go through my trash. Perhaps i will follow my daughters advice & put a used tampon in there (at least one that looks used-i'll put brown food coloring on it)....
or , maybe i can go picking through the place after hours myself, finding little things to bitch about....no, that would make me one of them...
Seriously, there's a war starting in Libya, children dying, terrible healthcare reform etc....and my tiny little teabag makes the front page..lol...please!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Sea has Calmed

Yesterday was eerily quiet in my world. I had 2 classes so i left the house at 8a & returned home by 9p.
All day i received no phone calls,texts, and only a handful of emails (only 2 from work!) I had started to think maybe Verizon was down for the day.
Also, there were no issues, no crisis, no complaints and i didnt have to stay late to make supplies.
I actually got to bed by 10p...slept well, awoke at 545 a.
I am very weirded out by the calm.
So, here i am with the whole day ahead of me...i will paint a bit, clean a very little bit, run some errands , then meet my daughter at a flea market. perhaps tonight i will go to the gym....
The company i work for finally came through with what i asked for. Amazing. All i am waiting for is my reimbursement for back pay.
Hopefully , my world will bathe in relaxation ...even just for a little while!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Still floating Along

Although i would love to say all has been settled, it has not. At our staff meeting my boss tried to announce that i would be staying on board, but i had to state that"nothing has been put in writing" thus far.I finished the tests at the "other" place , which took 2 weeks in the processing, and havent heard back yet this week.So STILL i am wondering where mortgage will be coming from for the 3rd month in a row. I guess the only choice now is robbing the savings again.I did my computer & office but cant even change my calendar schedule from home or send emails..what a waste.
On a more positive note, my neice, who had a tempereature of 104.3 at the hospital last week seems to be doing better. My brother says she is almost back to herself.....Yay!
I am working on a new painting , another 3ft by 4ft. I will post it shortly when done.
So, hopefully i will be settled soon somewhere , somehow. Even if i have to walk away from everything and start anew, i will have peace in my life .....i am comitted to that!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Barn burned down, now i can see the moon...

So far , just about everyday this week has been 14-16hrs awake & on the go, and about 6-8 hrs of sleep. Sound normal?Its not...who gets up at 530 goes to work & doesnt return hoem until 10 or 11pm?(besides my husband who truly enjoys working). It's not good, i say.
Some of those nights i spent in church...some at work....and tonight at the hospital with my very sick little niece (she registered a fever of 104.3).In between classes , i have been taking tests for this new company i'm considering or attending various interviews with their staff.I am so wiped out.And worse, have been unable to go to the gym.
Today, my boss calls to tell me they will be able to accomodates my requests including holiday pay & PTO,& i will get my 2% raises they have owed me for the past 2 years. However, it will still not be a fulltime salaried position.Additionally, the other boss(a VP) called to tell me my reimbursement is still in "processing"- even though its been approved.Hello?Its OWED, how dare it have to be approved. I presented the situation to several different businesses, including their competitor who stated that" a month is unacceptable. It would have been paid the next pay period anywhere else". So, even though my boss asked me if i rescinded my resignation, and i said "yes, but it would have to be in writing" -i am still waiting for it i writing & have no date on my reimbursement.
Therefore, i will continue to press forward in taking the steps to hire with their competitor. I need something to fall back on if the roof collapses.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Take me Back

So glad i decided to go back to church tonight. This is the first time i have ever been led to go back to church for a second service in one week.We had the most awesome speaker today- John Shuttlesworth. He has never written a book, he is not famous. But he has truly been able to shake someone like me up inside to where i am thirstier & thirstier for God.
Let me clarify.
I was late for service this morning because i thought we turned the clocks back instead of forward. So, i arrived only in time to hear the last 1/2 hour ( or so i thought- he talked 45 minutes over).I was so moved i knew i had to come back.So i left & took my mom to visit with my grandmother today at the home. She asked me what i was doing tonight, and strangely enough the words came out of my mouth.."i'm going back to church". I wouldve never believed it myself if someone told me.
I arrived to church half expecting a small turn out ( i am in dillsburg, pa after all) but was blown away by a packed parking lot. I went inside, had texted a friend to comebut really didnt expect her - she's flaky, very A.D.D. but, guess what? she comes in sits right beside me.That was wierd enough.
But it gets very strange then because her & i started getting convicted by the Holy Spirit on the very same issues..we both went up for the alter call ( my very first time) and she was called out by the speaker.wow, she was crying.
Afterward, she starts telling me all the thoughts she was having during the sermon and she was having the exact same pictures in her mind that i was, but didnt want to say it out loud. I started getting so excited & telling her things & she was telling me things....
What i find so odd is that we met a few years back at a church sweetheart banquet with our husbands.Since then we've had this on & off friendship because we are such opposites..she's a flake, forgets to call, doesnt show half the time etc...and i am rigid, very scheduled, etc.For instance most of the get togethers never happen because she doesnt plan well, overschedules herself then cant make it at the last minute. Very frustrating for me.
But we both have this stubbornness to us- difference is people see her as vulnerable & me as unapproachable. by the way, that theme continues...

Bottom line is, i saw & heard some things tonight that were downright scary. Looked at bible prophecy and for the first time see how truly close we are to the events foretold in Luke 21.And not just because of the speaker, but because of world events & the order they are happening.I am more of a cynic than anyone i know. But i got to thinking- what if?
What if Jesus comes in the next 5 minutes, or the next year?What will i ,ME, say when asked to give that account of my life? When i cant compare myself to my neighbor? How will i explain that i didnt do exactly as i was commanded?

Food for thought- i'd rather die a believer & find out there is no god , than to not believe , die & find out there is.Just because you dont believe in hell , that wont stop you from going there.