Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Lone Wolf

I'm going into hibernation.
How do you field suprise verbal attacks, misunderstood inuendos, and unverbalized expectations of people?
Ahhh..must be nice to be a psychologist.
Anyway, my post was short the last time as i answered the phone in the middle of writing, and ended up listening to a crisis. So i figured i'd come back today & post a bit more(before i start back on a 3 day stint at the hospital in which i cannot respond as a human to anything).
The big news is that my son finally got financed for a car on his own. It looks like a nicer car than any he's had so far . I'm keeping my fingers crossed.Also , i finally put up my christmas tree but cannot find the motivation to decorate it. There are no children here and i never see my husband. I suppose my Christmas spirit is in the can this year.
I'm starting to learn more at both of my jobs, too. Wednesday i had my first patient on my own(sort of) and had to do everything for him. It wasnt bad, except when he went into a half hour of extreme respiratory distress. He doesnt want to be intubated, but he is on a bi-pap, and desats into the 50-60's just trying to take a drink water or attempting to urinate .It was pretty scary because despite 100% oxygen with the RT in the room he wasnt doing well.Finally my preceptor came in & had the charge nurse order IV morphine which helped. It has helped me to watch how she handles things.
At the clinical management level, i have learned more paperwork stuff. It's really much better than the hospital job in my oppinion, but i truly believe that if i didnt work at the hospital(dreading it each day) i would'nt appreciate it as much.
I have made an important decision in my life that i have been toying with for a few months, but was in a quandry over. I believe i am just going to have to accept that i am truly a loner inside and nothing i can do will change that.And, in light of that, there are some things i am letting go, and some things i will be embracing.It has not served me well to try to change who i am to fit the expectations of others, especially because everyone seems to expect something different.I 've been trying for a very long time now to be everyones version of who i should be,how i should act, what i should say, and what image i should project. It is exhausting, and unrealistic.
Here is who i am , in case you may not know, or have gotten the wrong impression over the past 20 years or so. (or even if it's been less time than that).
1. I am from a very poor family, and am probably pretty close to "trailor trash"(i say that only because i grew up in trailors, not to disresect my family)
2.I love to learn(have a gift for it) i love to teach(but have no gift for that).
3. I define my sense of humor as sarcastic and dry
4.I never say the right thing but trying to is way too hard . never get this one right.
5.I dont like leaving my house....except,sometimes,to go running.
6. i dont like competitiveness
7.i hate gossip, pettiness , cliques, and two faced people.
8. i hate fixing my hair and wearing make up.i've only done this to please others for years, and i am sick of it.
9.I dont need a scale in my bathroom, i just needed to get rid of the friend who got me to that place in my head.
10.I love my pets and suffer for them, even whilst complaining about it...suck it up or just dont listen!
11.I really want to be kind and sweet and endlessly patient and giving. i said want.
12.And , finally, if you ask me a question about myself, be prepared to listen to my answer. it may be long winded. If you want to discuss your own agenda, please let me know and i am happy to accomodate.Dont make me guess what you want from me.I am not that attuned to social cues.Maybe i have Aspbergers disease.

Anyway, i realize this may sound crude, or bitter, however you interpret it...i cannot change that.The bottom line is we are all just trying our little hearts out to survive in this world and it shouldnt be so hard just to be who you are.Love one another, accept people for who they are. Give them room to grow. & Be kind.
I am learning a few of those lessons myself.

1 comment:

Blasé said...

Let's "Survive" together :)

Makeup with women is way overrated...

I like the way you are....nothing to complain about from me