Saturday, December 26, 2009

Seizing The Day (Today, anyway)

So, Christmas is over.
The dinner went fairly well, considering i wasnt sure when to expect everyone with the weather forecast. The weather guys never got it straight..first ice rain half the day , then saying light rain. then it was in the morning, then they changed it to afternoon. You just cant rely on it.
Today it seems to be drizzling, a bit windy - but still the temp is pretty good. i'll either run outside or go to the gym. I truly gotta get off my a** and exercise somehow.My butt has gotten flat as a pancake this year , and droopy. I feel like a 60 year old lady.
I have to go back to the hospital monday. Dreading the 4 days of it next week. it seems like i go in (after repeating my motivation mantra,and talking myself into a positive frame of mind) and then when i start getting report a mudslide comes down and the rest of the day i am just trying to get out alive.On the other hand, the clinical management job kinda got sucky last time i worked as well. I lost two cases through no fault of my own-but it sure felt like it.One of the cases asked for me to be reassigned because they felt uncomfortable with me since i used to take care of their kid(weird-they used to really like me). The other one is the beginning of an avalanche. It seems the agency has a policy that family members cant work at the same case. Meaning anywhere my daughter goes or has been. I anticipate LOTS of problems there. And i have a bad feeling that the agency is going to tell me to commit, or quit.
Anyway, what did i get for Christmas?
i got two blank canvasses , an acrylic art easel for traveling,perfume, a movie, a trivial pursuit game, soap,a coffee mug,a chia pet, itunes gift card, a ped egg,and a few other misc items.Oh ! My brother gave me a really cool painting from his tattoo shop that i had been eyeing a while back. that was pretty awesome.
Well, time to get in the tub...wishing you all a Happy holiday season!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Break in The Clouds

After another couple of grueling, exhausting, and frustrating days i am finally settling in today for a few EKG classes online. After taking the fast track ones last week i realized i needed more practice. Although it's Christmas Eve, and i am not real sure these two classes are the ones i need, i'll at least be home instead of emptying bloody bedpans and sliding around in Mrsa, C-Diff , and other various germs that contaminate hospital floors. I will also not be expected to change central line dressings, know the rate to push iv drugs, have to figure out any new equipment on my own, or have to stand in a doorway with a plastic gown & gloves waiting for someone to help me turn or reposition a patient. Whew!
Nope! Just me & my computer.
And, well, a room full of presents that need to be wrapped , and a a dinner that needs to be prepared for tomorrow.But so far today i have been productive- making phone calls, ordering a new stethoscope,printing out EKG practice strips,and refilling a prescription online.
Next up, breakfast.
My stomache is growling and i still have been having lots of dizzy spells( which sometimes are relieved by actually eating.
Yesterday i spent all day 8a-6;30PM driving to cases for supervisory visits, as well as to the office for paper work.Then -again- i left my house at 8:45pm to do another one and got back home by 12:15 am. LOOOONG day.
I'm still undecided as to what to do about both jobs. To be honest, at this point i am not liking either one, and am a bit depressed wondering if i should have bothered to change jobs at all.I hardly make any more money than i did , but now i have so much overwhelming responsiblity and stress plus longer , more erratic hours. Additionally, i have no energy for physical fitness and have only run one time since the 5k. Of course no gym time for months.
I guess it will all come down to next month. I have a feeling the clinical managemebt meeting on the 7th will be a pivotal point, if not a deciding factor. Intuition tells me that the agency is going to demand that i give them full time hours, and say i am not carrying my load like the other CM's.
We'll see. A person can only try so much and take so much. I can only work so many hours and my brain can only process information at a certain rate. I worry alot about whether the hospital will let me go,too. I feel like i am so far away from being competent.
Ok then, i gotta go...gut is now growling at me...Have Merry one , all!

Saturday, December 19, 2009


Stuck inside today with this massive snowstorm as are most people out my way. I can only give a shout out to the skiiers (spelling?) who are probably ecstatic!
I was up at 5:30am (not by choice) and since no one else was to be home with me, i started doing the thing that came most my house.I really almost hate doing it these days whereas in my youth it was a soothing balm, a mindless activity, a therapy of sorts.
The only other thing to do is watch tv(watched the weather for an hour) watch movies(i watched Julie & Julia) and read...which i will do later.Of course i am leaving out the obvious-eating.
So far i've had eggs, sausage, and toast, coffee, tea and cocoa, plus a granola bar and a banana and it's only 1pm!!
My cats are driving me nuts . They seem to now believe i am their babysitter owing to the fact i've been home all week and follow me around constantly. My allergies are through the roof.
I have yet to take the rest of my tests online. And i will be taking another class on Christmas eve (joy).I have only ran once since the 5k and my bum is getting numb just sitting around here.
Tomorrow i gotta brave this snow and go on three supervisory visits.I really hope they have most of the roads plowed.It's hell getting these hours in but i need all i can get.
Well, i guess it's back to boredom for me...sniff..

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Kissing Frosty !

So far it's been a long week of classes. I sit in front of a computer for 6-8 hours. Then a day or so later the test is on another site .Yesterday made me was EKG stuff and i am so clueless. i need to ask to take the "slower" classes, and i've never had to do that before. Quite humbling.

I've been running outside even in this cold weather. It's rough and i wheeze for about a 1/2 hour afterwards(cold lungs). My toes get numb and my nose gets so red, i could be having an affair with a snowman!

My daughter & her fiance ,plus me & my husband ran the jingle bell 5k this past weekend.Hubbs came in at 24 minutes or so. he was #151. The best time was 16 minutes! i did 31:43( mostly because i got a slow start trying to stay with my daughter- it was her first race. But when she decided to walk after about 10 minutes, i had to run ahead.No way am i paying $20 to walk a race. But she still did well..only 7 or 8 minutes behind me.We both came in somewhere at the 300's. fiance maninly started walking after a few minutes and comlpleted it in 48 minutes...we dogged him for about an hour!

In other news, my dog is crapping all over her new bed just about everyday. I almost vomit when i go down to give her meds. i washed the cover two days ago and its all disgusting again.The vet says her quality of life will continue to decline, but she still has good muscle tone and even gained a 1/2 lb. So she is doing fairly well. Guess i'll be slowing down on those stool softeners though.

Well, it's back to the grind...Got a very full month ahead of me. Work almost everyday. Can't wait til Christmas!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Race Day !

Woot !Woot! Another 5 k race day!Cold as ice out there , by golly,too. At least it's supposed to above freezing. My husband, daughter & her fiance will be running as well.
Had a loooong week. The first 3 days i was at the hospital. And, even though my preceptor said she would not do it, she gave me 1 patient the first day, 2 the second, & 3 the third. I did pretty well with 2. But 3 was exhausting.
These werent "complicated" patients...just had picc lines, chest tubes, oxygen, iv push meds, etc.Yeeesh! Apparnently my next patient will have these things plus be on a vent, with dialysis,blood transfusions and/or cardio drips, and who knows what else. Probably wound vacs at least.
Then i had 2 days with the clinical management thing...8 hours, then 10 hours. LOTS of paperwork, and some visits...i definitely need more time in the office if i'm gonna be able to swing this thing.
I'm still eating like crap..sustaining on granola bars & fruit juice.But i force myself to make & eat a salad each night before bed.I've lost several pounds and have to keep reminding myself to drink far as the artificial sweetener thing, i am still not using it. But i forgot tht my gum is sugarless. I will have to remedy that.
I did discover , also, that if i go to the pharmacist and get the claritin "D", my allergies are 75% better. It contains the pseudoephedrine that used to be in actifed (which worked great for me years ago) . But sometime in this decade they removed that ingredient because people were making crack with it. I didnt realize how important that ingredient is for my allergies.But now i feel a lot better.
My "fogginess" continues. Either i'm just getting older, it's the artificial sweeteners still in my brain, i'm chronically dehydrated, or i have a blood pressure problem. I'll have to keep trying.
Ok ..i gotta eat...i miss blogging.Truly.
Have a smile's on me!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Lone Wolf

I'm going into hibernation.
How do you field suprise verbal attacks, misunderstood inuendos, and unverbalized expectations of people?
Ahhh..must be nice to be a psychologist.
Anyway, my post was short the last time as i answered the phone in the middle of writing, and ended up listening to a crisis. So i figured i'd come back today & post a bit more(before i start back on a 3 day stint at the hospital in which i cannot respond as a human to anything).
The big news is that my son finally got financed for a car on his own. It looks like a nicer car than any he's had so far . I'm keeping my fingers crossed.Also , i finally put up my christmas tree but cannot find the motivation to decorate it. There are no children here and i never see my husband. I suppose my Christmas spirit is in the can this year.
I'm starting to learn more at both of my jobs, too. Wednesday i had my first patient on my own(sort of) and had to do everything for him. It wasnt bad, except when he went into a half hour of extreme respiratory distress. He doesnt want to be intubated, but he is on a bi-pap, and desats into the 50-60's just trying to take a drink water or attempting to urinate .It was pretty scary because despite 100% oxygen with the RT in the room he wasnt doing well.Finally my preceptor came in & had the charge nurse order IV morphine which helped. It has helped me to watch how she handles things.
At the clinical management level, i have learned more paperwork stuff. It's really much better than the hospital job in my oppinion, but i truly believe that if i didnt work at the hospital(dreading it each day) i would'nt appreciate it as much.
I have made an important decision in my life that i have been toying with for a few months, but was in a quandry over. I believe i am just going to have to accept that i am truly a loner inside and nothing i can do will change that.And, in light of that, there are some things i am letting go, and some things i will be embracing.It has not served me well to try to change who i am to fit the expectations of others, especially because everyone seems to expect something different.I 've been trying for a very long time now to be everyones version of who i should be,how i should act, what i should say, and what image i should project. It is exhausting, and unrealistic.
Here is who i am , in case you may not know, or have gotten the wrong impression over the past 20 years or so. (or even if it's been less time than that).
1. I am from a very poor family, and am probably pretty close to "trailor trash"(i say that only because i grew up in trailors, not to disresect my family)
2.I love to learn(have a gift for it) i love to teach(but have no gift for that).
3. I define my sense of humor as sarcastic and dry
4.I never say the right thing but trying to is way too hard . never get this one right.
5.I dont like leaving my house....except,sometimes,to go running.
6. i dont like competitiveness
7.i hate gossip, pettiness , cliques, and two faced people.
8. i hate fixing my hair and wearing make up.i've only done this to please others for years, and i am sick of it.
9.I dont need a scale in my bathroom, i just needed to get rid of the friend who got me to that place in my head.
10.I love my pets and suffer for them, even whilst complaining about it...suck it up or just dont listen!
11.I really want to be kind and sweet and endlessly patient and giving. i said want.
12.And , finally, if you ask me a question about myself, be prepared to listen to my answer. it may be long winded. If you want to discuss your own agenda, please let me know and i am happy to accomodate.Dont make me guess what you want from me.I am not that attuned to social cues.Maybe i have Aspbergers disease.

Anyway, i realize this may sound crude, or bitter, however you interpret it...i cannot change that.The bottom line is we are all just trying our little hearts out to survive in this world and it shouldnt be so hard just to be who you are.Love one another, accept people for who they are. Give them room to grow. & Be kind.
I am learning a few of those lessons myself.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Touching Base

I'm finally getting a moment to breathe in...breathe out....
After working 3 /12 hour shifts at the hospital, then doing 2 /10 hour days of Clinical management stuff, i think i might finally have a day to relax tomorrow.
I will of course be making phone calls to set up appointments. And doing housework.And taking care of paperwork stuff but other than that, at least i get to eat normal and relax a little more.
I will hopefully get together with a friend for coffee, go to church, and run.
i was able to run yesterday, and this morning..felt great!
My family life has been almost non-existent.
My diet has been horrendous...i've been living on granola bars, chocolate and whatever i can grab on my way out the door. i have actually lost weight..down to 109...but i actually feel better working days, using sugar instead of sweetener, and keeping busy .
Tonight , though, i was so trying to catch up on things i burnt my arm with hot grease from the oven.Ugh...
I'm trying to stay caught up on my emails, blogging,'s getting a bit too much. i will try really hard to blog at least once a week.
I will keep everyone up-to-date as to my "career"...and any other events that come along. But it wont be regular until after my training period so probably maybe January..