Saturday, October 31, 2009

My children, My heart

Today was my job interview for a perspective hospital job. I had to get up at 12 noon (only 5 hours of sleep). Top that off with an upsetting family issue, sitting in pain on my bruised buttocks and worrying about the pain i'll be in after my surgery-i am not so sure i gave a good interview.
After i got home, i kept thinking of things i should have asked or said.But, alas- no going back. I got a decent feeling that i have a shot at the position.The interviewer was very personable, and when i asked if they were interested in me she said yes. So now, the waiting game begins.

I have to say on a more enlightened note that, in spite of the frustration, recent events have opened my eyes to something i had never given too much thought to.
The type of love i have for my children.There are many ways parents show love to their children.There is putting a roof over their heads. There is buying them gifts.There is giving them advice.And there is taking them to the doctor when they are ill.I have a special type of love for my kids and although this isnt a "religious" blog, please indulge me a few lines.

  • I pray that i will always have the closeness and physical affection i share with my children, even now that they are adults.
  • I pray that i will always love them with my whole heart,that time will not wear me down, ,and
  • putting inconvenience aside,give generously of my own time, affection,and support
  • I pray that i will always make them feel special and cared for, and that they
  • know that they can look to me for help when they need it and always come first
  • I pray that by example they will learn the value & wisdom of forgiveness, kindness, and love over their own desires
  • And , most of all, i pray that they will never feel lost, or unloved, and if they do that i will care for them until they are well again.

I have become grateful for so many things lately as well.

  • I am grateful that my children still call me or text me everyday, sometimes several times a day.
  • I am grateful that my children still enjoy my company, and that we are still close.
  • I am grateful that i enjoy them, and would even if they were not my own.
  • I am grateful that i did not have abusive, or alcoholic, or drug addicted parents
  • I am grateful that God has taken care of me and my kids, even when i didnt know it.

When the world keeps spinning and things are really crazy, its no small blessing to know...

That you have your family.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


On the positive side, i ran 6.5 miles today! So proud of my self. i ran 5.5(in 38:38), then walked up a long, long hill, then ran another mile home.
And, lo & behold! What was my reward for this personal best? I was almost home, when my neighbors dog ran out in the road and bit me in the arse -not once, but twice! HARD!I have 3 bite marks & several bruises!
this is the sweetest golden retriever & has never done anything like that!I have walked past a thousand times, even with my dog and he has never run at us or out of the yard. I suspect 2 things:
a. The teenage son who had just opened the door to let him out forgot to turn on the invisible fence( or they dont have one, or it aint workin'!)
b. the dog just got over excited seeing someone running and was play-biting

I dont blame the dog- you know, instincts & all that.
I called their house twice for the parents to contact me to be sure he's up to date on his shots. Otherwise i gotta go get treated . I havent had a tetanus booster i dont think, so this is a real concern.
Aside from all that , i am more concerned that any dog would do that in a neighborhood with a boatload of young children who are constantly running in the street.Right in this very immediate area.I mean, we have several familys with 4-6 children who play sports in their yards, running in the street for balls, etc!
This also has enlightened me to the fact that i now have to get pepper spray to carry. i avoided getting it since i had only considered it being used for muggers , etc.and since i run in well populated areas in daylight, i felt i didnt need it. I had never stopped to think that at any given time i might encounter a biting animal.
One can never really predict what a dog might do, even if it has never done something before.
I had read stories, but now i will be taking more precautions.
I also have to inform these dog owners(if they ever call me back) that i will be utilizing said pepper spray on the dog if i have to in the future.
i dont want to, i hate the thought of doing that to such a normally sweet, docile animal. But it is only reasonable to protect myself from bites.
This comes on the heels of my preparation for next weeks surgery.
I surely dont wanna worry about rabies!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

New Era Agenda

I've decided what the new era will usher in for me.
It seems that this past year i have spent way too much time getting upset & being offended by other people.
I believe it is actually time to put this to bed.
While it is only human to become upset over an offense, after awhile it becomes impossible to figure out why people do the things they do.
The best & only response is forgiveness, and then moving on.
In fact, it is probable that most people dont realize they have offended someone.And it is also probable that most intentions are not evil .
For instance, while i have hosted many events for my neighbors, there are many times i have noted a get together to which i have not been invited.
Now, it is possible that i have such a crappy personality that no one wants me around. And , indeed, i have entertained & lameneted over this idea.Only to be invited to something afterward, negating the theory.
It is more probable, however, that the get together is being held for a group that has an agenda to which i am not, by choice, or otherwise , a part of. A book club, for instance. Or a family bbq.
In this case, it has taken me a good few years to realize this.
(Additionally, i realize that my work schedule precludes me from many things).
Another for instance would be social networking, which i have addressed many times even on this blog. I have gotten upset because i felt "out of the loop" or ignored. But , recently, i have discovered that it is "I" who have made the choice not to be hooked into a constant conversation on the computer all day.
And in other cases , i realize the things that bond people are not very desirable(to me)- excessive alcohol consumption would be one .School age children would be another- i am so over having that!Glad to have the kids i have , and looking forward to being a grandma, but no desire to raise another set!
In short, no matter what the offense, there is usually a reason behind it.And , even if it is truly rude, hurtful, or one in a series of many over the years, we need to summon up the spirit of forgiveness to overcome it.
And God will take care of the rest.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Family Fallout

I am DONE. After everything i have done for a certain family member she has really p*ssed me off.
And she just doesnt get it.
I am tired of playing second fiddle to another "family member". They always come first for her.
I have tried & tried to spend time with her- taking her to plays, ice capades, picnics, inviting her on vacation, etc. Tried to help her out & show i care.
Every thing i do seems to be in vain.
In fact, i am still just sick of everyone acting like i can just be blown off.
I am a good person.
I am a good friend.
I am a good daughter.
I am a good neighbor.
I go out of my way for people. And i just keep getting written off.
The only people who actually pay me any respect or support anymore are my in laws, my daughter and (usually) my husband. So that's who i'll be spending my time , love & energy on.
A new era is about to begin.
No longer will i seek the approval of my family or friends .I see now that my husband has been right all along.All we need is each other.
I am no longer going to be Mrs. Nice Guy- hosting dinners, sending cards, thinking of how i can help, bringing gifts to people, etc.
I figure at this point,if they want me , they can call or come see me.
Otherwise, i'm lookin out for # one, and those who have actually shown me that i matter.

The New Taboo

So here i am..first 5k! official time 30:51...only because i was sick as a dog, but compelled to fulfill my commitment. i think i look fat here. And i'm only 111lbs! i guess the camera does add 10 lbs..
Upside is, afterwards my hubbs(on the right there) treated me to a shopping treat for running gear...i got the nike+ ipod runners sport pack, a few long sleeve shirts and a pair of tights for those upcoming winter runs.
And , to address my last post:
1. I have been sick with a bad cold since last weds. and
2. couldnt post due to some error message on blogger and
3. my final decision on the whole(negativity) thing is that my son is a taboo topic of conversation due to the fact that i am sure that out of all the people in the world , i have the most experience dealing with him and , therefore, i know what is best for in spite of what anyone else might think.
Yes, i have come to the conclusion that after these many long years that every time i aquiesce to the guilt others have placed on me to do things differently when it comes to my son, the result is always more problems.
So I will no longer bend to the will of others, whether to be harder or softer on him ,and will follow my gut since when i have done this the outcome is immeasureably better.
And maybe someday, i will get the credit deserve. And someone will finally let me feel like i am not too stupid to raise my own son.And that, maybe i did know what i was doing after all.
Enough of that....i am still dealing with my nasty cold.i am truly sick of this whole swine flu thing and am convinced that no matter what one does( handwashing, gel, mask, gloves, etc) we are bound to catch something anyway.My son had a fever of 102.7 last week and was in bed 2 days. I have been staying away from hubbs, and not even going to the gym(constant vigilance!)to avoid touching the equipment.
Now if they can just make those dern vaccines available.....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I'm really sick of just about everyone right now, so i will not even TRY to be positive.
Seems everyone thinks it's ok for me to compromise.(over& over again)
Or they think it's ok to ignore me.(after all,i'll always be around)
Or it's ok to be rude to me. (i don't have feelings anyway)
So until I feel better and start feeling worthwhile, i'm just gonna stop posting,etc.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Trick or Truth

Gist of my weekend.....
1. Treats:
-Early to bed sat AND sun nights
-reading a great novel series
-warm gingerbread topped with whip cream and some hot apple cider
-taking a brisk walk in the cool night air sunday after fri & sat slug shifts
- knockin around in warm , comfy sweats
2. Truths:
- the deal of a lifetime offered to my son
-my dog, tessa, in deeper decline
-ongoing saga of my daughter & her dad
-swine flu blues, a tinge of a cold, and lost work thereof
Now let's get down to that scenerio with the prodigal son....
SCENE: Late night @ our humble abode, son finally graces family with his presence after a weeklong furlow.Son knocks on mom's bedroom door.
Mom: Come in , son. i have a golden opportunity for you. Would you be willing to give up having a girlfriend for awhile to get to go to school , get a car , a better job & your own place?
Son: It would be too hard not to have a girlfriend. i need someone to talk to.

This is of course, an EXTREMELY condensed version of the conversation. But what the ..??
Do you see what i am dealing with? KIDS!!!!I mean, if i got that offer at his age..geeze.

On to the next issue...

On friday evening i got switched out of a case because the kid was admitted to the hospital with swine flu.i had not been in contact with him but had done a case in the past week where some of nurses who had been at that case also did a case i had been at. So sunday night comes and i am told (because i stupidly have a mild cold)that i have no work because i might have been exposed to a kid who was exposed to nurses who were exposed to swine flu.
oh. my. gosh.
Isnt it true that the average person who goes out in public may be exposed to someone who has it or has been exposed to someone else who has it? i mean.puleease!
So, anyhoo- i am told since i havent taken this pill(tamiflu) or been treated for the flu there may be an avalanche of repurcussions for all of the nurses in my boat.
Like, we wont be able to work.
STUPID! what are we???Are nurses to only care for healthy people? This is cold season. So we are now told that if we have ANY respiratory symptoms we have to stay home.
Do they really think that anyone can afford to take off if they have a cold for 2 weeks?
No one has the vaccine.
You dont get tamiflu unless you have the flu.
And tamiflu only treats existing flu not flu you might get later.
The CDC website says the test given for flu doesnt differentiate between swine & other types of flu.
So it's back to "where do i get the immunity i need to be allowed to work?"
It winds up that it doesnt matter.
I am working tonight because after i responded to the phone call to my agency (about how i was feeling today)i have work. I'll be darned if i'm gonna say i might have a cold.
I spent the day running errands , putting in 5 job applications and ran a 28 minute 3.2 miler.
Pretty darn good for a potential flu candidate, i'd say.
So- Take that, and i'll work unless i have a fever, or am vomiting(thank you very much).
After all , there are what? over a million different cold viruses out there?!!!
And that's the real TRUTH of it!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A Few of my Favorite Things wireless internet service & laptop
2.leisure reading
4. biscotti & gourmet coffee keurig coffee maker
6. running
7.enlightening moments "have-to" days
10. yankee candles
11. Burt's Bees lip balm
12.fresh, fresh produce

Whats are some of yours?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sweet Sunday

A very great day, i am pleased to report! Church, then a visit with my daughter, a 4mile run (and it felt great!i couldve run another mile or two!) then "time" with hubbs. And the happy ending dessert of a hot bath and a few hours of leisure reading.
Woo-hoo!i am almost done with the 5th Harry Potter book.
Down-side of this week has been a sick kid every night...vomiting, fevers, respiratory(lotsa mucous & suctioning), and just general fussiness.Kinda kills the mellow "me" by morning. And with taking the prednisone (for sinus's) i cannot sleep too well.
I have done 3 back to back runs this weekend. It's going really well, i will definitely be ready for the 5k!
I hear my mom made it to Florida, but as she seems to be ticked at me, she has not called . I had to hear this from my pop-pop(just so you know MOM).
Also, a new case i was to start this week is not to scheduler pulled me off of it because there were apparently "roaches crawling over the nurses feet while they tried to work" . Ewww!
If only people knew what we homecare nurses have to deal with. If it isnt overly controlling parents, dirty homes or working in an unsafe, ghetto area, it's walking into to preventable emergencies,disorganization,& siblings that stay up all night trying to talk to you or hack into your internet service.I tell ya, you gotta love your profession, if you dont , it'll make you one cynical, bitter b*tch.
I am planning on applying at a hospital and an LTAC next week. They are only one of a few that advertise hiring graduate nurses around here. I've been shot down twice already because i dont have any hospital experience, and apparently i need 18 months at least and up to 3 years minimum for a lot of them.oh well, gotta keep trying.
Well, i know this has been a "Dear Dairy" post, but i thought i'd catch anyone up to speed who hasnt been. Hope you're all well, good evenng and good nite!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Freedom Fighter

"How many times do we miss God's blessings because we can't see past our own desires?"- a quote from an unknown author.
I came upon this tonight as i was looking for some direction . The story was told about a young man who recieved a bible for graduation, got angry with his wealthy father because he was expecting a sports car. The son went on with his life , not speaking with his dad and when the father died he went to collect his inheritance. The son again saw the bible he'd left at his dads house many years ago and when he picked it up the key to the car and receipt that it was "paid in full" fell out of it.
Really put a chill in me.How often we DO miss our blessings!
Lately i had mentioned dwelling on the past year and having misgivings about what my future hold as an empty nester.
Tonight my thoughts have culminated in this:
Extreme gratefulness for the many, many blessings everyday that are so often overlooked. Particularly the one which hit me like a storm tonight .
Of the many blessings i have counted,I had never realized or considered the value of that . As i lay my head on my soft pillow, clean linens , wearing clothes that fit me, on a firm mattress with a roof over my head it suddenly hit me how free i am.
I get to choose when i lay down & get up. Which clothes i want to wear. When i turn my lights on & off. What books i want to read. Which food & beverages i want to consume.If i want to take a bath.
It frustrates me that so many in this world(more than we would like to think on) dont have these choices. In fact, many are slaves- sex slaves, sweatshop workers,victims of AIDS (possibly passed to them by a parent),and some are just so poor they are at the mercy of those who would take advantage.Lots have no clean water. Some are homeless . Many are beaten in the streets.Some are imprisoned without a trial.
That as we go about our day,
We stop......... & remember to live intensely grateful for our choices.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Post Run Proper

So , yesterday i followed a suggested post run sequence. Here it is LOOSELY translated from Runner's World magazine-October 2009 edition:
After your run, in this order:
1. first 5-10 minutes-walk til your breathing returns to an even, normal pattern(cool down)
2. Then do 15 minutes of stretching
3.@ 30-45 minutes eat a carb( i had cheerios with soy milk)
4. then - and this was the worst part! take a 5-15 minute ice bath.i could barely tolerate the 5 minutes. but after i got out it really did feel good! this step is supposed to reduce inflammation.and i didnt have any soreness that night.
5.elevate your legs & feet, relaxing while reading(or tv if thats what you want).

i have to admit , it really did help. I actually wished i would have done it today after weight lifting and biking because i am sore right now!!
I guess i have to work up the courage for that ice bath again!
Today , my mom called me sometime in the past week or two and is dealing with some stressful things. I gave her what advice i could but she is exteremly frustrated. Hopefully she wil be able to enjoy her vacation .
Gotta run- kid cryin"!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Ronald McDonald House

Tonight i am at the Ronald McDonald House for work. For those of you who don't know what this is, it is a facility that allows parents of chronically & terminally ill patients to stay for free during any prolonged hospital stay in The Hershey Medical Center . For instance, the kids who are born premature and need to stay in the hospital until they are stable enough to go home ( the parents of trached & vented kids have to go through an intense daily 6 week program before their child can be released to them on a home vent) or like the case i have tonight. This child is the one with brain cancer who has been recieving chemo, and now will be starting radiation therapy for about 6 weeks next week.The child & parent are staying in this room(like a hotel room) so that they can transport to the hospital each day right across the street. Also this allows for close monitoring of the child during this critical time.I plan to do a bit more research on the place tonight to expand my knowledge base about what protocols are in place for a familys acceptance for a room . It is really quiet here,and mom is sleeping in the room with us. But there is a small sofa and an outlet for the 'puter so it's not too awful.I think mom is having a hard time sleeping since every little noise i make (including typing on the keyboard) can probably be heard for miles.This is her first night here, and i suggested she have someone bring her a radio at least. Theres no tv.
Today i went to see the ENT . I am scheduled to have surgery November 2. Apparently, i will have to get a ride to & from because i will be under general anesthesia, and instead of the 3 expected days off it is now 4-5 days off. This really blows because i had plans to go white water kayaking the 2 days prior & really cant afford to take more days off. But i know i need to have it done a.s.a.p. and before my husbands company changes insurance companies (soon).I have to work out some stuff with Hubbs to see if i need to cancel my trip or not. Really BUMMED about it!
I have been continuing my endeavors to schedule when i will be doing the dollar a day diet. As it stands, with the 5 k race coming up and this now scheduled surgery,so it looks like one week in mid november will be the plan. Although i will be buying for a 30 day plan, i believe 7 days will give me the gist of it.
In any case, this endeavor has been accidentally (perhaps) been leading me to places where i have been ever so enlightened as to the plight of the poor.
For instance, i never realized that in some places , a person must spend over half of their daily pay to purchase dry paper just to start a fire to cook on! Another epiphany- since most homeless people have no where to store thier food, most of it must be purchased daily, in which case it is much harder to save money or stretch any food dollars.I sit and ponder these things at time realizing many other obstacles that i might have to overcome if i became homeless. One big one would be my PRIDE.Like having to wash in public restrooms, using whatever soap was available, having to rotate places i could glean free condiments from so as not to arouse suspicion or get asked to leave.
This post has been longer than intended , but i will likely expand upon this in the future. Until then...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Last Year/This Year

The grass may look greener on the other side, but you're still gonna have to mow when you get over there ,too.
In that light, let me begin.
Blame it on the full moon (or at least a really big moon) or because i'm premenstrual or perimenopausal or postnasal.Whatever!....
I have been dwelling today. A bit depressed really, a bit sentimental . Really doing a number on myself.
"Last year was so much better than this year. "
"How can things have changed so much?"
" Why do i have less ambition....less energy.....?"
"Why do i insist on reminiscing constantly?"
" We did this, that, and the other thing last year."
" I just remember enjoying myself so much more last year."
...and on & on.
So, i have decided to make a short list of the difference a year makes.Let's Go!

Last Year:
1.I was a blonde most of the year
2. My daughter came to live with me
3.I was doing Yoga twice a week
4.I travelled ALOT
5.I took my mom on quite a few ventures, and it was the first time she came on vacation with us.
6.My daughter got her tonsils out
7. My son was still dating his long-time girlfriend and had a lot of freinds
8.I was studying almost every night
9.I went camping
10. i got a new car

This year:
1.I am a brunnette
2. Both my kids have basically moved out (my son techinically still lives at home, but he's 18 & not home much)-sigh- empty nest.
3.I began running
4.I have only travelled 3 times
5.My allergies are TERRIBLE
6. Our lawn is improving
7.I've lost my life long desire to clean my house. I only do it with hatred now.
8. My dog is declining and costing us a small fortune
9. I became an RN
10. I hosted Easter Dinner, a Graduation party,an engagement dinner,a baby shower, and will be having Christmas dinner
Things have really taken a turn in so many ways. I hope that next year bi can finally decide what direction my life will take. I havent had much luck with applying for jobs- no experience in a hospital setting as an RN.And these online apps are a pain....i refuse to do anymore of them. One little lapse in service and the you lose the whole thing.
But i'll at least try to be positive.
Despite my aching back, sore nose,nausea & cramps tonight. And start look forward to my next saturday night off!

So, todaysFunFactor: while i was at the gym tonight i decided to try to imagine which mythical creature group each person would be- an elf, goblin, unicorn, centaur, minotaur, fairy, etc.I firmly believe that we should still engage our imaginations as adults. And, what the hay-- it sure made things more interesting!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Cant Believe i forgot!

After a month now i finally remember to post that ibecame an aunt for the second time the day before i left on vacation. Things were crazy that day, not to mention i was really sick ! but anyway, i finally got to hold the cute little monkey today & here she is...Mikki Lynn! Tada!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Motherus Visitus

Well, even though nothing exciting happened today i did get a spontaneous "visit" from my son & his girlfriend.
Yes, i've become one of those moms. I have moved from the realm of having live in kids, to getting "the maintainence visits".
I love my kids.
I miss them.
It wasnt that long ago when they were both here and driving me (lovingly)nuts!
So, after spending my day cleaning, making pumpkin bread, walking the dog ,i am now settling in to watch a movie and perhaps read a bit.
Do you see why i resort to weird measures to break the monotony?
My dalmation ,Tessa, is on even more meds now, owing to a visist thurs . to the vet where they were supposed to express her anal glands and clip her nails. Lo & behold, and as usual, instead of a simple and inexpensive 15 minute appointment, i wound up being there an hour (allergies in an uproar) and spending $140.00 .What a racket. They said she may have an infection (glandular abcess)so now she is on even more pills. And one is twice a day.
I love my pets, but much like the kiddos, they can be stressful and expensive at times.
Well, Halloween is almost here and i will not be in the 'hood this year to hand out candy. A friend & i are going white water kayaking.He says the temps are gonna be pretty low.
We have planned on camping as well, but only because i cant afford much at the moment . A warm room would be nice, and there'd be a lot less packing. maybe if i can sell the house before then...just kidding!
I cant wait !
Other news...i'm back to running- was out twice this week. the second run sucked though since i started out nauseaus.
Gotta Fly!


I almost forgot!
I have a FunFactor to share:preparing all kinds of bean dishes for my husband this week and watching him walk to the bathroom every half hour or so!
Of course, i have to make him sleep in the guest room.But, still!
Ahhh, what one must do to have a little fun in her life.....

Short & Sweet

So the countdown begins until Tuesday when i get to go see the ENT.
This is one Dr. visit i am ecstatic about !
I am so sick of this stuffed up nose & exasperated with breathing through my mouth!
Today, my daughter came to visit .I gave her her very first Coach bag. We are starting her out small so she has something to aspire to. I got my new yearly collection (2 plus a wallet) and am pretty happy , athough i hope next year i will be brave enough to get a non- neutral color. There was a gorgeous pale pink one, but i couldnt justify gettting it. Got black ones instead.
Tomorrow is a "free" day for me..i have no plans!
I hope something spontaneous happens!
Until then .....