Monday, June 1, 2009

Fear & the Future

Yesterday, a thought hit me like a lead pipe.What in the world do i want my life to be like now that, at long last, my children will both be out of the house? i am not sure what exactly happened that the universe hurled this atrocity at me in such a deeply moving manner, but i have been scared , depressed, and weirded out by it( enough that it was the last thought before i fell asleep & the first one when i awoke today).
I do know what i DON'T want it to be like or become. I don't want to be a scrapbooker, or knit, or obsess about gardening. i don't want to 3 or 4 cats to become the focus of my social or home life. I don't want to be one of those women who chase after youth long after it has obviously eluded her by having each day revolve around exercise, facials, and hair dilemmas. And i don't want to be the "typical" grandmother - planning her life around the grandchildren's activities & showing a hundred pictures to whomever will let me.
This is not to put down these lifestyles. They are perfectly acceptable. But they arent for me.
Some say i could focus now on m career. My daughter suggested volunteer work.I had previously considered traveling more. But these things havent, so far, ignited a passion in me that i can see catapaulting me into life for the next 20-40 years.
All of my planning for the future has been financially focused. And i guess that's why this has sent me into a tailspin. The hour is upon me, and i have never even considered what my daily life will become when empty nesting has become a fact, not just a prospect.
So, in light of this new dilemma, i have decide to do some research. I have re-rented "the Boynton Beach Club" & "Steel Magnolias" to revisit what it is that the older set does once they are no longer caregivers.In other words, when heading into retirement.
I know this isnt such a big deal to some people, especially those without children or those who will probably have children to raise until their early 60's.But it truly is a huge consideration. The whole thing settled over me like a threatening black cloud.Just thinking about having nothing to look forward to each day but housework, cooking, the gym and working has put me into a state of urgency & fear.
Will be posting updates....

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