Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The graduation luau

After this somewhat long haitus from blogging, i am pleased to report that i am back with some fabulous photos of the event.We all had a good time. the only downside was the absence of a girlfriend who was supposed to be there and kept texting every hour or so to say she'd be late, later, and finally it got to be so late i told her to just forget it. I was pretty upset about it. After all, it's much more considerate to just say you can't make it than to overschedule yourself and then disappoint.
Oh well, i 'm so over it. But at this point i have decided the friendship is just going to be another drain on me so i need to end it. The problem is how to do it without confrontation, or drawing it out by being evasive. I hate game-playing so i am asking a few other real friends for some advice. One of them didnt have much advice to give so i will move on to the 3 other friends to see what they say.
Onward & upward....i am on the countdown to my state boards on July 10th.I have been having to lug a huge & heavy book into work to read pharmacology , and care of the complicated & uncomplicated newborn. These seem to be the areas i am bad at. There are some others that arent too great at this point but i figure if i improve on these areas, i will improve my overall score.I will probably take 2 more of the 3 hour practice tests before the date and spend the night before cramming study cards.Like before, i have to just accept that if i fail, i will reschedule & try again. You have to wait 90 days .
A lot of people are asking what i plan on doing after i pass & get my RN status.My plans are to not actually apply anywhere until after vacation in September because there's usually a probationary period where you can't call off or take days off. So i want to avoid any problems. After that time i plan on applying at Hershey Med's NICU, Holy Spirit Hospital , and Carlisle Regional Hospital.The latter two are very close and Hershey is a GREAT teaching hospital.
Will keep posting as time draws nigh.
As for soon-to -be posts: i will be exploring reasons as to why my life has changed so much this past year, and also posting on my progress with jogging/running. So far i have gone from :
---jogging at 4 mph for 1 mile 3 times a week to
---5 mph for 1.5miles at 1% incline 3 times per week.
My goal is to run a 5k by September.
Any suggestions related to topics in this post are welcomed and appreciated!!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Getting Reday for the luau!!

Posting a few of the preparations pics..lots more to do! it shall be fabulous!(i hope!)It actually looks better in person.Now, off to study!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

She's still an Arse

That girl who dissed me on Facebook continues to bet on my nerves.
No more details, but she needs therapy.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Universal Truth

Here it is: Children can be difficult. I knew you'd agree.
The latest- another round of my first born telling me what i am supposed to say or not say around her boyfriend now turned fiance.
I have gone through this a few times with my youngest. So , maybe it's true i'm not the most sensitive person on the planet. In my own house, i like to be able to speak my mind.
After i explain this one more time(i've already told 2 people) i will truly try to let it go. But for the benefit of other parents reading this, maybe you can relate. Or maybe i'm just an insensitive b*tch who needs to go to charm school.
My daughter & i had a brief discussion concerning her history of birth control use as it related to her ability to become pregnant in the future- a topic not out of the range of normalcy among nurses, not to mention mother & daughter, and certainly in light of the fact that she just got engaged and brought up her plans to begin family planning. I asked her how long the periods of time were when she had been off birth control completely in the past. She stated several months here & there. To this i responded that she since hadnt gotten pregnant at those times she may want to plan ahead for a period of decreased fertility in the future when she first goes off of it. Thats all that was said. Less than 2 minutes.
A health -related, natural concern.
Apparently, her fiance became greatly distressed over the discussion because , as she puts it, he is "very visual" and i shouldnt bring up anything about her past related to the fact that she had other boyfriends before him, beacuse he has "anxiety" and "sees a doctor for it". And i should "respect his feelings" by not discussing these things around him.
First of all, i didnt bring it up. Second, i never mentioned any of her "ex's". And third, if they are considering a family- this is pretty important medical stuff.I mean, if they think they are mature enough to sleep together, they sure as heck better be mature enough to deal with birth control history. Obviously, she wasnt on it for no reason, and , obviously he knows she wasnt a virgin.
Besides all this, it wasnt like i started any discussion about sex, or past partners, or ANYthing of the sort. A whole lot of assumptions had to go into someone starting to think along those lines relative to such an innocent discussion, and that fact alone scares the hell out of me.I mean, if this guy actually is getting "jealous" over something this ridiculous, this soon...well, i sure doesnt make me feel too good about the whole relationship.And on top of it, i was just getting to know & like this guy, but now it will be very uncomfortable around him.Who wants to try to guess what is going to offend someone and be walking on eggshells around them all the time?
Additionally, i am distressed that my 24 year old daughter even had the balls to ask me to watch what i say around him. After all, i am the parent, it was my home, she is my daughter, and if anything, the respect should be shown toward me.
Mostly,I am astounded that she expects me to respect someone who didnt respect my feelings about them living together before they were married. Just how does she think it plays out visually in my mind thinking of someone sleeping with my daughter with no commitment, who could bail at any time, and have nothing to lose?
Respect his feelings. Ok, i'll get right on that.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Party Luge

Yup. This is what i was doing saturday night. Shots of Mad Dog sliding down a block of ice-"The Luge".These pics were actually pretty early in the evening. The guy is an old friend from many years back.The party itself was ok, nothing to write home about. One thing it made me realize is how far i've come, and how some of the people i used to know really havent changed at all.The hostess will be a forever "partygirl"- a role i outgrew about 7 years ago.
It still amazes me how some folk can continue to enjoy all that drama, even into their 30's & beyond.But whatever floats their boat.
I didnt drink very much at all- a total of 2 full cups of jungle juice and a few shots. I slept over on my cot (pretty cozy actually), was in bed by 11p and left by 8am.
Yes, i have become an adult at last.
Today i spent preparing decorations for our grad party this saturday. I aslo got to try the new carpet cleaner...yippee!
After the hoouse is fully decked out, i'll take a few pics to post.I'm still trying to study and apologize for the boring, short posts. I anticipate better ones if & when i pass my boards. I've looked back at a few early posts and i can see a uge difference. I'll try to remedy that.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Only taking a break

I have been studying for 3 hours. It sucks.
I suck at it. After a month of constant studying i am still only getting a 65% on the practice test.
I sure hope the Lord graces me with knowledge & the determination i need to keep learning, as well as the strength of mind to not be discouraged.
I will be going to a pool party with some friends from the past tomorrow, and guess what? of course i get my period today. Oh well, no pool for me. Kinda sucks being a woman.
ok , well, the kid just woke up . AGAIN! Gotta run!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It is ridiculous.

Who really cares if the president swats a fly?
Is this what news is reduced to in our country?
I mean, wow.
I havent blogged in a while and it may be intermittent for a bit whilst i study diligently for my boards.
I have food that i really suck in several categories including pharmacology , safe & effective care, and phsiological maintenance- apparently.
Even though my overall scores on real time pratice tests have been above average, there's always room for improvement!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Daddy Dearest & "The Hicks are Alive"

The trip to virginia with my brother went something like this.
I awoke friday at 3:30 pm..did my thing(gym,etc), then went in 11p-7a to work(always an adventure) . Saturday morning i arrived home at 7 :30 am . I had told my brother to be there at 8am so i could take a quick bath & refresh my self.Of course he arrives early so i had wet hair & no make-up.I dropped a parting gift at my neighbors door, & we left about 8a.
Since i had a GPS this year we used it . After stopping once for breakfast(an hour)we got stuck in traffic(another hour) . Then we stopped at a Giants to get a fathers day card.
Here is an idea of the area we found ourselves in.
  • On the end of one aisle, on my way back to the bathroom , there was a stuffed "Wolf Man Jack" toy.
  • The bathroom was in the dock & loading area and was comprised of a floor with almost all of the tile missing , and such thin walls i could hear the employees complaining about how they wasted a whole box of something and how much they hated their schedule this week.
  • Next, as i bustled my way hurriedly out , i actually passed a box of something labled "Crack Creme".

I can only imagine why anyone would ever go to a register with a Wolfman Jack doll & a box of Crack Creme. The next place we stopped they sold baseball caps in trendy pink with pot leaves on them and the logo "marijuana".
Well, then we finally arrived-via gps directions........ at a pile of 3 ft. high gravel with a sign stating "Road Closed".No warning. Just a sudden pile of gravel at the end of a maze of backroads.


Once we found our way out of THAT, we arrived -5 hours later_ at my dads.This is normally a 3 hour trip at best. But every year, almost in unplanned tradition- something goes awry & we take forever to get there.
My dads appearance gave me a double take. His skin was a yellowish hue and sort of hanging from his face.I had anticipated he would have lost the limp by now- the accident was 2 years ago- since he had progressed to not using his walker awhile back. But i swear, he has one of those legs that actually lifts "march style" with each step.He looked tired, and soooo much older than last year. Every step was "clump, slide".
We went out to eat at a Cafe. Then left by 6pm.
Every year , my dad looks at ME as if i am to blame for this departure. As if i am a royal you-know-what for making my brother leave .It's always actually his decision to leave since he drives so most of the trip home is not in the dark. But that's just my male chauvenist fathers attitude. Everything is always the womans fault.

I love my dad. He is my dad, but geeze.
The worst part about visiting ,though, is the unrelenting boredom and listening to my dad embellish the same stories year after year- with him always either the victim or the angry vigilante . It takes all i have to hold my tongue and usually, after several hours of this, i can't , and some sarcasm slips from my lips.This time it happened at the restaurant when he kept complaining about everything. The final straw was when he snapped at the waitress for not offering to refill his coffee, when "she asked everyone else." Arrrgh. Parents.
On the way home (this always goes better & faster) We stopped at a gas station. Again i had to use the bathroom. And , again, i had to make my way around boxes in a back room to a bathroom with seat up & pee all over the place. Above the toilet was a sign explaining what to do incase of a robbery.There were no towels, no soap and a tiny sized half -roll of TP. Yet, right in front of me, locked in true redneck fashion with a hanger through the door handles i spied a can of Comet. Now, why would you lock up the cleaning items when you obviously dont clean the place? Hmmmm....
But i survived, and was glad to have the chat time with my brother.
And, after all, was really grateful to collpase into bed at 9:30pm , after 30 some hours of being awake.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Second Round- completed!

well...2 graduations completed...and i am so proud! My daughter even won an award for excellence in caring for the elderly- the only award that came with a check (for $100)!The ceremony was nice, but short. And , there was cake & cookies afterwards- ugh...more time on the treadmill next week.I have truly been eating like crap this week!
Now, i can move on to planning for the party. I have several books for ideas and have already purchased some items, plus have started re- arranging furniture.I imagine there will be some overnighters so i will need to make room. My daughter has moved all her stuff out ( minus a tv) so i will have to go clean that room--lots of dust!
Saturday morning i leave with my brother to visit our dad in virginia. I'll be tired as heck after working the night before. But fortunately he always does the driving in lieu of gas $.I should have more pictures to post as soon as my mom sends them.
I also have to find time to get groceries soon.. why this has become such a problem i dont know. I thought after the kids were grown & all but gone, things would get easier.Seems like i just got older!!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Had to add this!

I never knew i liked Jon Voight so much til i heard THIS speech!!!

The First Graduation

So, he graduated.
At long last, the most signifigant milestone in his life(at least for me) has been achieved!
After many years of blood , sweat & tears...my baby is finally growing up.
The ceremony was a bit uncomfortable. The rows of seating consisted of too closely placed together plastic folding chairs(the kind you couldnt stand on to take pictures) . And unless you got there an hour before almost everyone , you got stuck too far away to get any decent pictures, especially since the seats were all at ground level. The one plus was that there were 2 big screens on either side of the stage showing the speakers and then the receipt of diplomas. All told, we were there 3 hours, and only one decent picture . This i took afterwards, while he was walking out.
The one complaint i have to launch at this point is that i was unable to enjoy the milestone fully, and as a true parent should because on one side of me was my mom(whispering a few family tales) and on the other was my husband and daughter( cracking jokes about how my sons father had body odor). Each time i started to reminisce or get a little teary eyed remembering something nostalgic, or just the sense of "loss"...my thoughts were interrupted. And then afterwards , as we all kept getting separated in the crowd on the way out, i was, again unable to allow my son his rite of passage to hang out with some friends chatting & shaking hands, congratulating each other because my entire party buzzed as fast as they could to get to their cars(as if they were glad for it to be over), and i was forced to follow along , leaving my son to have his FATHER drive him home.Of course, no one did any of this on purpose, and i guess it's hard to understand how a mother builds these events up in her mind- but it only happens once!
Over all, it was fine. I was very fortunate that my parents, husband, daughter and my sons father were able to attend. And for this i am grateful.
On another note, i feel it important to note that 2 of my mothers sisters rsvp'd and will definitely be coming to the graduation party! Just when i had given up hope. Praise the Lord, for He always answers my prayers! (this one for my kids sakes!)
Tomorrow is my daughters graduation from her nursing program.I'll post pics then. I will be taking my son & his girlfriend & picking up my mom.I am really hoping this one doesnt last as long since i do have to drop my mom back home and then report to work.I'm really looking forward to passing the torch (the LPN torch) to my daughter, as i step forward into my RN position. This sure has been an interesting & unexpected turn in my life.
Given my background, i would never have thought i would be seeing both my kids graduate high school (on time) myself becoming a nurse, and my daughter following in my footsteps. I also never saw my self continuing on to get my associates degree,being married to such a supportive husband, or living in a beautiful home (much less actually liking my neighbors).
I recall at such milestones , especially with such a unique situation as a trifecta graduation, being on welfare, being with abusive men, living in a one room efficiency, driving beat up cars.I remember not knowing at times if i could feed my kids, pay the electric bill, have heat or hot water, or if my car would make it to work.I remember being on bedrest with my second child and losing everything to bankruptcy.
Life sure can pull some punches.
It is all i can do to hope that i have done the best i could with what i was given, and the choices (sometimes bad) that i made.And even more so- with all my heart- hope that i have been a good parent.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Will they ever stop Needing us?

I awoke today looking at a slew of text messages. 3 from my daughter concerning her car situation. Her inspection expired and the garage said she needed so much done , it wasnt worth fixing. Since her credit is less than desirable, she cannot get her own. We had told her we couldnt co-sign because they would come after us if she couldnt pay, and it would kill our credit rating. So her boyfriends parents were trying to co-sign for her. Aparrently they were denied, so i was upset about how she was going to get around and her driving with an expired inspection sticker. So , after talking with hubby, we decided i could try with us co-signing.
Since i had gotten up later than usual-trying to make up fo the long wake period yesterday following a night off- i was already behind. I changed my plans to include taking her to our Honda dealer to at least ask some questions.Fortunately before we left, we found out her boyfriends parents were able to co-sign for the car for him. Anyway, then she tells me she needs these nursing shoes for graduation.....so instead of going to the gym, and some other stuff, i wound up running her around to 3 different stores. We didnt get home til 8:30 then had to walk the dog,pack lunches, drop my time slips and go to work.
Additionally, the saga of my sons graduation problems continue to fall on my shoulders. I had to take him to school saturday, got the grad pic day mixed up, realized we needed a form for that and had to pay the photographer the day of the pics(tues.) So i wanted to go get the forms this morning but they are closed mondays. i had to text my son to tell his girlfriend to get the form at the school office today(she did thank God!) . Now i have to race home form work in the morning to take him to school for commencement rehearsal, and get his class picture- making sure he wears the permitted shoes and pants- he has to get a ride home while i sleep. then we drop him off for the ceremony at 6:45 .my parents are meeting us at 6;15.
On top of all that, i know his dad hasnt made plans(well, any REAL plans) to attend because i know he failed to write down or call my son about the details, so i texted him on the way to work that he would need a ticket for tomorrow- hoping he would call & get details. No word so far.
Ok, only a few more months and i can breathe!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

For Some , Just fun

So now i will sit here in a puddle of self-pity and take a bath.
Let me explain.
So, in addition to what i posted yesterday, i finally get an email from this girl i've known for 20 years who says to me that she "is not comfortable accepting that part of(her) past"- meaning some of the years we knew each other. What a slap in the face.
You gotta give it to the people who have one-liners that can put you into years of therapy.
Go team Xanax.

Friday, June 5, 2009

What is Wrong with the World?

I have been dealing alot with rejection again as of late. Let me explain.
This is what started the whole ball rolling.
An old friend, a co-worker, i have known for over 20 years ago will not confirm my friendship on Facebook. Now, if it was just that i might think that she, like a few others, just didnt check her page much or didnt know i tried to contact her. BUT- she has confirmed friendships with 2 other co-workers that we both worked with during a short period of time. (Those two knew her less than 2 years and didnt even hang out with her.) On the other hand,over 20 years, i worked with her, managed a business with her, went out to bars with her, and even had a blind date with her brother once. We worked together at different companies, and even owned similar businesses at the same time. Yet, she is apparantly avoiding me. I have absolutely no idea why.

So, it started me thinking ...

Recently, i bought one of the clients mom's a mothers day gift- it was not even acknowledged. I sent out a birthday card to someone i have known for over 5 years (and whom has been trying to rekindle a friendship with me off & on).No response. I texted her today to see if she actually got the card and she said yes & was sorry she didnt call.I left homemade bread at a neighbors door last week. No thanks.I dropped wine at another friends door. Not even a text message.

And to top it all off, i have sent out 20 invitations to our family graduation party at the end of June and , until i called a few people to see if they got them, the only response i got was 2 rejections from family members. This one really makes me angry. First of all, it was really hard to put myself out there to a side of the family that has really been rude to my mother. And they have absolutely no reason to be rude to me, or my kids.AND, i know that if one or two of them won't come, and the rest won't either. That was monday. I am sure by now the rest have all received their invites, and no rsvp's. One of the cousins, i might add hasnt even called me back with her address. These are the same family members i grew up with. At one time, we were all very close.

Additionally, i had to call & ask several friends if they were coming because i felt so rejected at this point. I don't have that many friends. One said she wasnt sure (i had just attended her daughters birthday party saturday) and the other one initially said he had to work.( But fortunately he decided to change his schedule.) I really feel like no one gives a crap about me at times. Sometimes a person just wants to feel loved, ya know? I want to add here that the two other friends i invited said yes right away, although one hadnt officially rsvp'd.Thank you for them, God. I felt at least a glimmer of hope there.

I am a good friend. At least i try to be. I give gifts, thank-you cards, remember birthdays, have people over, attend their parties,make sure to not miss dates i have with them, and if i dont hear from them for awhile, i call or text, or send a card. I do my best to listen to their problems, and give advice if they ask for it.I am supportive.If we have a disagreement, i try to apologize...sometimes too much.I feel terribly gulity if i upset them. I take people places to celebrate, or just because they are family.
I hear about peoples outings with other friends/family to places or events i havent been invited to. I see my neighbors getting together and chatting , going to each others homes to visit- but no one comes to me.I just dont get it.
I do feel like i try pretty hard. I even host all kinds of stuff- neighborhood parties, buncos, dinners.And what is wrong with people that they cant say thanks, or send a card, or text/email someone back to let them know they got your text/email? it takes 10 seconds !
Maybe i'm just expecting too much,or maybe i'm just too sensitive. But what i really think is that people get so involved in thier own little worlds that they forget to take time out to be courteous.
The only other explanation is that i am a horribly dull, uninteresting person or that i am so highly offensive that no one wants to associate with me very much. And if that's the case- what the hell am i trying for?

Monday, June 1, 2009

Fear & the Future

Yesterday, a thought hit me like a lead pipe.What in the world do i want my life to be like now that, at long last, my children will both be out of the house? i am not sure what exactly happened that the universe hurled this atrocity at me in such a deeply moving manner, but i have been scared , depressed, and weirded out by it( enough that it was the last thought before i fell asleep & the first one when i awoke today).
I do know what i DON'T want it to be like or become. I don't want to be a scrapbooker, or knit, or obsess about gardening. i don't want to 3 or 4 cats to become the focus of my social or home life. I don't want to be one of those women who chase after youth long after it has obviously eluded her by having each day revolve around exercise, facials, and hair dilemmas. And i don't want to be the "typical" grandmother - planning her life around the grandchildren's activities & showing a hundred pictures to whomever will let me.
This is not to put down these lifestyles. They are perfectly acceptable. But they arent for me.
Some say i could focus now on m career. My daughter suggested volunteer work.I had previously considered traveling more. But these things havent, so far, ignited a passion in me that i can see catapaulting me into life for the next 20-40 years.
All of my planning for the future has been financially focused. And i guess that's why this has sent me into a tailspin. The hour is upon me, and i have never even considered what my daily life will become when empty nesting has become a fact, not just a prospect.
So, in light of this new dilemma, i have decide to do some research. I have re-rented "the Boynton Beach Club" & "Steel Magnolias" to revisit what it is that the older set does once they are no longer caregivers.In other words, when heading into retirement.
I know this isnt such a big deal to some people, especially those without children or those who will probably have children to raise until their early 60's.But it truly is a huge consideration. The whole thing settled over me like a threatening black cloud.Just thinking about having nothing to look forward to each day but housework, cooking, the gym and working has put me into a state of urgency & fear.
Will be posting updates....