Monday, January 26, 2009

A Continuing Crisis


It's been a hard days night since i last blogged. As i stated , my son did something bad. So i set it up to make him think he was going to have to live with his dad and be terrorized daily until he is 18. Only thing is , his dad, the idiot, renigged on the whole deal and decided he was going to "keep" him.
An arguement ensued.
When i went to get my son from school to get his clothes, my son stated he felt like he didnt deserve to live with me anymore and that he didnt trust himself to make good choices. He said he is tired of causing everyone stress and if he came back home then he couldnt be sent to his dads again as a last resort, so basically he stated he would not have learned any lesson.So he decided it was better if he stayed with his dad. I felt the earth crack.
My emotions went into overtime wondering why my son had really chosen to live with his dad over me. Was the stated reason for real? If so, is it the right thing?Being extremely vulnerable to rejection at that point, i drove him back to school and sunk into the deepest depression i've had in 10 years.
A lot of things have happened since Friday. One, i find out that "dad" is already planning to try a little scheme to have me pay him child support.

Yeah, right. Maybe if i had gotten any from him over the past year. Or ever, really.
I did a whole lot of praying and talking with different people, all of whom have various oppinions. I still dont have a plan. In my heart , i know i wont sleep or take care of myself as long as i know my son is with his dad. But i also know that if he comes home, he will not have learned anything and most likely his behavior will worsen. We wont have any control over his future behavior.
And,while i do appreciate advice, i'd like credit where credit is due.
What galls me is that a few people still believe that a"good old fashioned talk" will "set the boy straight". As if i have not been doing this for 17 years.As if i never heard of this "gem " of advice and would never have thought to just talk to my son, reason with him, have a heart to heart.Please! Where the h*ll do these people think i've been all these years? Africa?I do think i'm fairly intelligent and could have figured that much out. Even if i wasnt, i am literate, and hello, this advice is the cliche of cliches in parenting self help books.
So i am stuck in my world of chaos. No matter what i chose, i lose. I'll be the bad mom in somebodys' oppinion.

Like any good parent, i just want to do the right thing for my kid.So, is it right to leave him stuck with his dad, letting him suffer for his misdeeds? Or do i bring him home, and keep losing our asses (financially & emotionally).What will make a difference- extreme tough love or continued support and a structured (albeit pampered) environment?
I also want to state here, for the record, that i have known (still know) a few parents who have basically lost everything they ever worked for trying to help out their prodigal child. And those children continue to take advantage. They've never become"better citizens". They, in fact, continue to see themselves as entitled to getting umpteen chances, to rescues and handouts.They dont have any desire to work for themselves because mommy & daddy seem to always be there, believeing that if they just gave their child yet another chance....
You want an example?
My sons father himself.Yup, his family believed he would get better if they stuck by him, too.The mans 43, isnt working, and they just bought him a house.
Now, i am NOT saying there's no merit in providing love , support, and stablity. Far from it. But sometimes, enough is too much.Sometimes, the parents become the enablers.
I just gotta figure this one out. Theres no easy answer.And unless you've been there, you just dont know the emotional strain and pain.I dont want to let my baby boy go, and i dont want to keep him from the consequences of his actions.
Thanks for listening.Will keep ya posted.

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