Saturday, January 17, 2009

Inner sorrow

Ok, so i'm really depressed & disgusted.First of all, my dog has Lyme disease. This is really bad stuff.I cried all evening and had to lift her up & down stairs , in & out of the car, etc. Plus i had to clean up a boatload of cat vomit since they got nervous having a strange dog around upstairs. All alone i did this.On top of it all, the vet bill was almost $400. and theres no way of telling if she'll even recover. She is in so much pain and i feel like a lousy pet owner for basically neglecting her all these years.
Secondly, it seems like no one (no this doesnt include you ,secrets) even cares enough to write me back in my emails, or even cares that i'm upset (facebook & myspace). At first, all my friends wrote comments daily, sometimes more. but now, even though they still write to each other, i get hardly ANYTHING. It is pretty disgusting to feel so invalidated.It's like i have no one, or almost no one.I am about tired of the whole social arena. I tried.I'm about done & ready to follow the original plan of just dropping out, moving into isolation, and saying to h*ll with everyone.
The other night i faced another rejection . I wont go into details here, but let me state that it made me feel extremely angry and also humiliated.It just sucks to be me right now.
So i'll be "wanting less" of all of THIS , please.Less pain, anger, humilation, rejection, depression and crying. And in the future, i'll be having less pets.Maybe i'll then be getting MORE happiness.


Secrets said...

I'm always here, you know that. You are always on my mind, in my thoughts. I feel bad also, I wish I could take away the pain. But pain is personal and only meant for each of us individually. Its very specific and only our inner selves are meant to deal with it. Sometimes it sucks to be me. At times it sucks to be all of us. We are all imperfect. Its the price we pay for the sin of Adam and Eve. In the future, that will all be fixed. There will be no more pain nor self criticism that makes us all feel so bad. But what is important is the recognition of our mistakes and fixing those mistakes. When we have the opportunity to correct something and we don't, then shame on us. You've corrected, so there is no shame. The best course for now is to do our best. I know you will do that, because I know the inner person you are and how big your heart is and how much it can cry and rejoice. As we've said before, "This too will pass". Its just while it is here, that is when we feel our loneliness that is personal and only something we can cope with. This too shall pass.


Anonymous said...

aww im so sorry your having a rough time right now....i had no idea, but then i dont log onto myspace very often or even catch up on reading my fav blogs here lately. So sorry to hear about your pet....I had a dog that contracted lyme disease too, I know its terrible. I hope he recovers ok..