Saturday, January 31, 2009
Something must be done about my sleep problem or i am headed for any early grave. My eyes are always ringed and wrinkly,making me look way older than i should.
Also, i am freezing here tonight. had to steal a kids (extra) blanket for my legs.
Lately, i feel as if i am complaining so much i should just run away for a little bit to collect my thoughts.But at least it keeps me awake. I did get a lot of dosage calculations practice tonight, and re-read my critical elements. I got to watch "lost" & "true beauty" last night online, and next i'll watch some dvd's here.so life is not all bad.
In leiu of complaining some more, i'll just get right to that and so here's wishing a great big smile to all!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Right now, i need to be concentrating on studying, not that BS. because......(drumroll)
I FINALLY HAVE MY CLINICAL DATE!
Yes, at long last! and even better , it's right down the road.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1_kgNp9oQg&feature=PlayList&p=2A0B7F999D81F377&playnext=1&index=27 Not in another state! Hooray!But i really do need to study & practice, practice , practice! because i recently realized that i suck at taking manual bp's ( we dont do it hardly ever in pediatric homecare) and i tried packing that fake wound i ordered & its harder than it looks!!i did figure out how to control the iv drip rate fairly well, and i 'm pretty confident with im injections. I've been practicing my dosage calculations,i was really bad at that...but now feel much more confident. I do need to start care plans & documentation again. I will make an exact plan tonight. And hopefully my freind , Sandy , will practice with me---soon!
ok, enough about that.
Since these past two weeks have been crazy and depressing and horrendously busy, i only went to the gym 3 times, and only for yoga. i crapped out all the other days. So i must re-commit come monday or i feel i will slip into the abyss with it.wow, that would be so easy. and then summer would come and i wouldnt have the body i can live with in shorts.
And thats also important to me.
On a more positive note, i've lost 7 lbs since starting the fast. that will end sunday, and i plan on celebrating with meat & cake---yum! but strangely, its almost become a habit now that i dont even think much about meat or white flour products. i'm almost happier with this diet. so simple, so cheap, so healthy. i wonder if i could keep it, or if i'll fall back into my old habits at the first taste of the previous foods.
Another thing thats been annoying me- whenever i wear my hair down, i've been getting comments about how tired i look. something must be done!
ok-thats all the news. i promise a more inspiring post soon, as long as the earth keeps spinning properly and the chaos stays somewhat reigned in!
til then -blessings!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
On the other hand, here i am tonight sitting in a room with my top off , in just jean & a sports bra because the room is at least 110 degrees. i'm still sweating. It's no wonder the babies are restless!they have these humidified trach collars on which makes them warm anyway.
So, i get to sit here waiting for morning, for the snow we are expecting.And like the last time i ws here, i will likely walk out into it with no coat since i will have been basting all night in this oven.Cant wait til summer.
Speaking of which, i'm starting to yearn for the beach already.I know that we planned on a staycation this year . This is probably a contributing factor to my craving--wanting what i know i'll not have.But if all goes well, i may just get to go to Vermont in March. Maybe.Also, i saw a wonderful picture of a secluded cabin in Canada that i'll be looking into, just for myself. Away from everyone. It looks perfect for that. Sweet silence.
Well, my son came home tonight after a very long counseling session, but no decision has been reached. I am still inclined to bring him home. But no matter what i decide, someone wont be happy. Tomorrow is the domestic relations hearing, which i must attend to avoid further damages.My plan is to deny that my son is living with his father because , technically that hasnt been decided.And why should i be pressured into that when this was not the intention of him going there.i will, however, tell the truth- that he was sent there to put the fear of God into him, as a temporary punishment, and that his father decided without consent, that he would be staying there.I figure on bringing him home shortly anyway. Whats bothering me is that my son still thinks he wants to stay with his dad because he is being made all these promises right now that cant be upheld.Instead of punishing my son for his misdeed, his dad is bribing him with illusions of privileges and incentives, with the long term goal of getting child support from me .
Now, i'm getting tired of re-hashing all of this and i know other people in my life are tired of hearing about it also. So unless something critical happens, i'll not discuss it again here until a decision is made.
To keep my sanity , i want to focus on the positives. For one, my 21 day meat & white flour fast will be over next Sunday.Two, we are invited to a superbowl party.Three, we get to daydream at a boat & auto show this weekend(this is our "date").Four-i am coming into a new definition of myself by catharsis-right now i absolutely hate my hair.Since much of my identity was wrapped up in my physical self, it is forcing me to see beyond vanity more & more. I hate it. But growth is hard.
Another positive is the fact thati can still enjoy my FunFactors: this week i think i'll focus on the snow , and dream of that cozy little cabin in the picture.
Monday, January 26, 2009
An arguement ensued.
When i went to get my son from school to get his clothes, my son stated he felt like he didnt deserve to live with me anymore and that he didnt trust himself to make good choices. He said he is tired of causing everyone stress and if he came back home then he couldnt be sent to his dads again as a last resort, so basically he stated he would not have learned any lesson.So he decided it was better if he stayed with his dad. I felt the earth crack.
My emotions went into overtime wondering why my son had really chosen to live with his dad over me. Was the stated reason for real? If so, is it the right thing?Being extremely vulnerable to rejection at that point, i drove him back to school and sunk into the deepest depression i've had in 10 years.
A lot of things have happened since Friday. One, i find out that "dad" is already planning to try a little scheme to have me pay him child support.
I did a whole lot of praying and talking with different people, all of whom have various oppinions. I still dont have a plan. In my heart , i know i wont sleep or take care of myself as long as i know my son is with his dad. But i also know that if he comes home, he will not have learned anything and most likely his behavior will worsen. We wont have any control over his future behavior.
And,while i do appreciate advice, i'd like credit where credit is due.
What galls me is that a few people still believe that a"good old fashioned talk" will "set the boy straight". As if i have not been doing this for 17 years.As if i never heard of this "gem " of advice and would never have thought to just talk to my son, reason with him, have a heart to heart.Please! Where the h*ll do these people think i've been all these years? Africa?I do think i'm fairly intelligent and could have figured that much out. Even if i wasnt, i am literate, and hello, this advice is the cliche of cliches in parenting self help books.
So i am stuck in my world of chaos. No matter what i chose, i lose. I'll be the bad mom in somebodys' oppinion.
I also want to state here, for the record, that i have known (still know) a few parents who have basically lost everything they ever worked for trying to help out their prodigal child. And those children continue to take advantage. They've never become"better citizens". They, in fact, continue to see themselves as entitled to getting umpteen chances, to rescues and handouts.They dont have any desire to work for themselves because mommy & daddy seem to always be there, believeing that if they just gave their child yet another chance....
You want an example?
My sons father himself.Yup, his family believed he would get better if they stuck by him, too.The mans 43, isnt working, and they just bought him a house.
Now, i am NOT saying there's no merit in providing love , support, and stablity. Far from it. But sometimes, enough is too much.Sometimes, the parents become the enablers.
I just gotta figure this one out. Theres no easy answer.And unless you've been there, you just dont know the emotional strain and pain.I dont want to let my baby boy go, and i dont want to keep him from the consequences of his actions.
Thanks for listening.Will keep ya posted.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
As far as my studying goes, i have watched my cpne video , set up my home sim lab, and reviewed(briefly) my workbook & critical elements flashcards. i have also started to listen to the audio cd in my car.I know some of the things i suck at since i wasted my entire mini iv bag solution trying to get air out of the line. Must master the back flush!
I know for some of you this is a non interesting post. but a reminder here: this blog also serves as a checkpoint to refer back to , to see how far i've come & where my mind was at in different points of time.A diary of sorts.
I am starting to get sick of Facebook & myspace, so i've decided i will probably only check them once or twice a week for awhile.With all the chaos in my life, who needs the worry of wondering why your life seems so boring and needy compared to others?
On another note, my son is a topic of intense deliberation in my mind as well. i am unclear as to what would be worse for him- staying with his dad (the irresponsible loudmouth volatile creature) or staying with me & maybe not learning his lesson.Much prayer going into this.
well, gotta go....duty calls!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What i discovered about the past few days is this:
1. I was almost more upset that my daughter was upset about her brother going with his dad than i was for my son. What this says about me, i dont know, other than maybe i've become more hardened to my sons antics ?
2.that Lyme disease in a dog isnt as bad as in humans and despite my dogs age, she has a good chance of recovery
3. that , while i still tend to react "largely" at first, i am able to calm myself down within a few hours. this is a grand improvement over most of my life.I am crediting yoga , and God.
4. that there are still Funfactors to be had, and Everyday Adventures. I have recently not stopped to smell these proverbial roses.Tonight's was the first bible study of the year - trying to find the location of the home it was held in, in the dark on a neatly ice covered road felt like being a pioneer as i waited for signs of wildlife to suprise me from the air, forest, or field(they were a no show) and navigated the terrain with caution .
It was a reminder that i had forgotten that life is a great adventure, no matter who we are, where we are and what our daily agenda.
All it takes is time to STOP ,look, listen,smell,feel,and reflect.My dogs life has been a good one overall, not nearly so tragic as i believed on Friday. My son is doing fine(i spoke to him today). And even though i still "react", there has been improvement--alot of it. The "peace" of it is a Funfactor in itself--watching the looks i get fromthose who know me well seeing my calmer self (compared to a years ago) deal with things . It's partly getting older& wiser as well,but i cant help but believe that watching myself grow this past year has definitely helped. With this blog , i've been able to track & re-track my progress. It keeps me from backsliding,and holds me accountable.
...p.s.sorry this post doesnt flow as well as i'd have liked...just tryin to keep it real!
Monday, January 19, 2009
When kids do this stuff it makes you feel like such a failure.All i can see right now is the disappointment, shame , and helplessness i feel.I tried so hard to teach him the right things to do , instill value in him, show him love, and set good examples.So many people around me over the years have told me he" just" needs all these things , so i gave freely and in abundance.Still people are saying the same things. I say,if you think that way, if you think that kids will turn out just right if you give them this or teach them that,...bullocks.
Apparently you can give it your all, all of their lives and they can turn out exactly the way you tried to avoid. The way "other" peoples kids turn out, the ones who don't give a crap. The children whose mom , dad or both are never around, are alcoholics , or are abusive. The way kids from economically deprived homes "turn out".The way kids supposedly turn out when they are not receiving any guidance.
I challenge anyone to give me a failproof formula for raising kids. Yes, God is involved here. Yes, i have been involved with my son , very involved. He has had every advantage , been given every chance to step up, and i've taken all the advice i have been given(witin reason). He even sees a counselor regularly.
What is a parent to do?
I guess i will just keep praying.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Secondly, it seems like no one (no this doesnt include you ,secrets) even cares enough to write me back in my emails, or even cares that i'm upset (facebook & myspace). At first, all my friends wrote comments daily, sometimes more. but now, even though they still write to each other, i get hardly ANYTHING. It is pretty disgusting to feel so invalidated.It's like i have no one, or almost no one.I am about tired of the whole social arena. I tried.I'm about done & ready to follow the original plan of just dropping out, moving into isolation, and saying to h*ll with everyone.
The other night i faced another rejection . I wont go into details here, but let me state that it made me feel extremely angry and also humiliated.It just sucks to be me right now.
So i'll be "wanting less" of all of THIS , please.Less pain, anger, humilation, rejection, depression and crying. And in the future, i'll be having less pets.Maybe i'll then be getting MORE happiness.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
a.weird- I'm basically at the mercy of my environment, whatever it may be- dirty or ultra-clean, mouse-quiet or filled with tv noise , siblings playing or family squabbles ensuing ,access to a microwave, tv or electrical outlets(or not) and sometimes ...
b.horrible-there are places that dont have working plumbing, toilet paper, adequate lighting, telephones, or heat/ac .Some places are in bad neighborhoods and the parking is on the street.
c. boring-if theres no access to a plug, very little light to read by,or my internet isnt working,etc, i could potentially wind up twiddling my thumbs, or, rather-tearing my hair out.
d. trying- if the child is sick or fussy and is awake for hours on end, or if the family decides to stay up all night breathing down my neck(making me feel very uncomfortable, and sometimes, untrusted).
Never-the-less, i thought i would give some insight as to a typical night in my world.
Normally i arrive at my destination early . I do this for several reasons: so i have a few moments of downtime, so i can assess the situation from the road--looking for evidence of a family gathering or another nurse, and also so i can find parking if necessary.
At about 5 minutes til the shift starting, i get out of my car and go to the door. Most places leave the door open for us nurses so we dont disturb the whole household ringing the doorbell. Also, if the parents are dealing with some cares or something, they dont have to walk away and we dont have to stand there waiting. So, i get in and get report either from a parent or another nurse.Hopefully, the parent goes to bed shortly thereafter and i begin my assessment.I then transcribe my notes and take care of any neccessary procedures and/or meds. Then i settle in to my own stuff. This first part can take 15 minutes or up to 2 hours depending on the complexity of the case or if the patient is sick .
My stuff -
1. I generally study anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours. This depends on how motivated i am that night. Sometimes (rarely) i am so UNmotivated & lazy, i skip this all together. If I do , i move on to...
2.Logging on to the internet.I check a few blogs, the weather, then my email. I'll sign in to check Facebook and Myspace . Then i will do this blog. Lately, i've had a harder & harder time trying to think of what to write.Tonight i decided to ask myself "what's relevant to /in my life right now". I came up with this little gem. Exciting, huh?
3.After i get my fill of the web, i sometimes watch a few tv shows online(these are online the day after they air). I watch (weekly) Desparate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters, and Dirty ,Sexy Money. I get pretty mad when they're not on for a week or more.
4. Next, i disconnect and settle in to watch some blockbuster movies. Since i have a movie pass , i can get 2 out at a time. I watch ALOT of movies.
5. By the time i get through some of these items(and in between them ,too) there may or may not be other patient cares to do, or the patient wakes and i have to deal with that. I sometimes feel my main job is to keep the patient and their family asleep .
6. By this time it's getting close to my shift end so i wrap up by doing the rest of my notes and other paperwork, signing the MAR and taking a look around to tie up loose ends like washing out suction cannisters,emptying trash,repositioning the patient and changing a final diaper as needed.I refill things, straighten bedding, and tidy up in general.
7. If i still have time, i read a magazine. I usually have one of my own, but if not some places have them lying around.If i still have my computer on i'll watch some you tube vidoes or Stumble a bit.
8.Finally,if this isnt an option, i'll study a little more.When the oncoming nurse arrives or the parent comes down to relieve me i give report and i'm out the door.
Well, thats my typical night. It's not usually that hard. I really like what i do. It gives me time to pursue a higher degree, and i dont feel pressured. You dont get that in nursing usually, and hardly ever in a regular job.
Cant beat that with a bat. Namaste!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Because clearly i have the likes of this blog to compensate.
If i didnt , i would probably go stark-raving mad at times.
Anyhoo, this year - yes we will all keep saying "this year" for at least another month- i also have some new goals besides being focused on the window.
Like physical fitness goals, healthy eating goals, home improvement goals, career goals and maybe even some others.
Goals , Goals, Goals- i should be a hockey player!
Many people go through life , i've realized, with very few goals. Now- do you think this is a good or bad thing?
I used to say with all certainly - BAD! But , after watching "Pineapple Express" and realizing how wonderful it looks in so many movies to just sit around being high all the time, i have to question the goal thing. I mean, after all, why wouldnt i want to :sleep all day, not work, eat whatever i want, have lots of friends(who like to get high) and basically not care that i was this way?
Sure, to those of us who work, and were raised to work and have responsibilities(without realizing at first what a slow ,painful death they lead to)it may seem like the obvious answer. But isnt it true that it's awfully expensive to work. and if we spend all our time working for someone else, how do have time to learn to do things for ourselves? Like- because we work, most of us cannot garden, hunt for food, build homes,get natural healthy exercise(or even enough natural sunlight).And because of this we often dont get enough vitamins, time with our family, dont attend church, and we dont "connect" with other people face to face.
Isnt it true that we spend more money trying to pay for all the things we need in order to keep working like childcare, fast lunches, gas for our cars, gyms memberships, mortgages,etc,etc.etc!?
So , again, do i really NEED these goals- or have i just been trained like a common household pet to want them???Time will tell.
Let's make todays Funfactor: Car aerobics- a game first invented by my daughter & i many years ago in our many times stuck in traffic or traveling together. It's all about the small, small muscles- like the thumb muscles, eyelids, and jaws. You can do unilateral stuff as a driver-like the funky chicken, which works the shoulders. Passengers can do much more. have fun- you invent as you go!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Now, maybe THAT will get me more motivated.
This kid is really aggravating me. Adios.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
She & i have known each other for many, many years. We have seen each other through many men, relocations, children issues, and( for me) career changes.In a sense , we are very much like friends- that see each other every 6 weeks.I know we have talked about every issue under the sun including religion, menopause, dudes (& real men),food, and of course-make up & hair. My hairdresser is a very driven & intelligent business women(unlike myself). But i am motivated to succeed in my career. So i guess that's similar.
Anyway, this last coloring session, we got to talking about new years goals and we seem to be going in opposite directions. We're about the same age, but she has been a giver all her life. I have been mainly focused on myself...analyzing myself, improving myself, feeling glad/sad/bad about myself.
So this year, she has decided to focus inwardly, discovering herself and finally giving back to herself.In that same vein, i realized in that moment that i need to send my tree branches outward, radiating my love and giving to others.
In discovering this, i have had to ask myself some questions. Like what does that mean? what am i going to do about it? and how am i going to do it?
I havent chewed on the answers long enough to give details , but in a nutshell;
- I believe what this means is looking towards others in every way- not in the mirror, but through the window
- I intend to listen more, notice more,give more- both of my time & attention,possibly some other ways(undefined as of yet)
- I will do this by putting on the brakes when i catch myself "taking over" in conversations, when looking at myself in reflections instead of paying attention to who & what is around me, and by figuring out what i can give away financially, and materially that will benefit others.
I've already started by taking this one small step.I colored my hair darker.For most of my adulthood, most of my identity has been wrapped up in being a tan, blonde , busty woman. I have hereby dennounced the blonde. Still thinking about the tan part,havent gone in 2 weeks. Still have the boobs, but they stay.
What i am hoping is that by doing this i will be forced to recognize that others will see me as a human, and not an object. Or i may find that this was all in my head, and my color didnt really matter at all- that i am truly liked for who i am and not what i look like. I am hoping a whole new personality will emerge, and i'm hoping it's a good one,too.
That is, after the one that strangles my husband emerges -then recedes!Just kidding! We'll see where all this goes. namaste.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Our whole church has scheduled a voluntary fast from jan. 11th -31st. This time i am actaully considering participating. There's no sign up, no "fasting club". It's all very personal.No one even has to know you're doing it.
We were, however, given a handout with relevant biblical passages pertaining to fasting and some suggestions as to the types of fasts we may want to do. By far the most popular one being the "Daniel Fast".
This is the one that also interests me the most. It excludes flour products, sugar, sugar substitutes, caffiene, dairy, and meat- these being the things of the king's table which were offered up to pagan idols. There's also the full liquid fast and a partial fast.Under these categories are the subcategories of:disciples, ezras, samuels, elijahs, widows, pauls,daniel,john the baptists, and esther fast. each correlates to a meaning specific to the cause they represent.
The reason i am considering the daniel fast is because these are mostly the things i have not obtained mastery over in my diet.
And , as our pastor says, fasting can be a miraculous .It helps us displine our hearts, minds, and bodies to submit to our will and the will of God.
The only thing i have to figure out is my intent. Because without focus and purpose the fast is worth very little. I know the answer is out there somewhere.
And, i believe in miracles.
In fact, i believe this will be a year of miracles in my life. I have been reflecting on the ways God has worked in my life in the past few months, bringing me closer to Him and my family closer to me (and Him). So many things , in so many ways...just creating the opportunities for success and love and goodness, enriching my home, my friends, etc. And bending my ways to meet His will.
It is , at times, overwhelming.
So i expect an answer, a miracle, a reason. And i know i'll get one.Amen and amen.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
- Mother Theresa and Ghandi- the way they lived their lives, their philosophy, and the ways they changed the world have impressed and awed me beyond compare
- The Outer Banks, n.c.-from the first time i vacationed there, i knew it was a place i'd return to over & over again.There was a definite spiritual connection for me there
- quitting smoking- this was a goal i thought i'd never, ever attain. It was the hardest and most rewarding goal i've ever accomplished
- nursing- until i got into pediatric care, i never considered myself a "kid" person despite having 2 of my own. Now , i go "ga-ga" for babies and cannot WAIT to have grandkids
- Woodstock- watching the video for the first time as a teen gave me a whole new perspective on how we live and relate to each other in the world.Without the drugs, the hippie culture/movemnent would've rocked the world even more!
- my personal trainer- from several years ago- i had worked out before, but it wasnt until i buckled down with a 5 day a week trainer for nine months that i really found out what my body was capable of looking like ,and i've been addicted to weight-lifting ever since
- "The Tick" cartoon- aside from the fact that it brings back memories of laughs & good times, the character actually has a philosphy on life that is inspiring and has quite a few sayings to that affect that i still think about and use
- reaggae music-i grew up listening to all types of music. In fact , it was a very very large part of my life, including playing guitar myself.But it wasnt until i attended a music festival in Bethlehem,Pa in 1996 that i learned what my favorite genre was and still is. i'd have never guessed
- "Driving Miss Daisy"- when i watch this movie, so many emotions come to the surface from within me.Always.
- The home PC and the internet- being a research and trivia buff this one is self-explanatory
Well, thats the top 10. I can think of many others.But i had to consolidate to keep this reasonable.
One thing i realized while i was making this list was how each of these things have shaped me into the person i've become. And the list isnt "bogus", or just things "i wish" had influenced me. Those things would be another list. No, these are the actuals.
While compiling them i realized a little bit about the person i've become. And hopefully a bit about the person i hope to become.