Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Questions & Answers

I feel better tonight.But i was a real bear when i woke up today .
I was still stewing in the juices of the past few days events.
The weird thing was, not only was i bitchy, my whole self seemed to be "off" somehow. I was hyper, not reacting or responding well to things and very uncoordinated physically.
I mean ,like, seriously clutzy.I couldnt even grasp handles well or keep a hold of things. I kept dropping stuff, losing my balance and i just didnt seem to even be hearing that well!Talk about senior moments!
I totally felt like i had either parkinsons or was going through a radical overnite menopause.
When i arrived at work, my clients mom confirmed what i thought. It is definitely hormone related.
Somehow, there are just days when our body makes or doesnt make the right amount of stuff it's supposed to, reguardless of whether we have an actual disease or not.
But it was when i went to Yoga that i knew i wasnt imagining things. I just couldnt seem to get into many of the usual poses and was not following directions well. Everything seemed backwards and i was out of sync.I kept trying to get it right, not only with my body but getting my head in the right place, to no avail.After class, i skulked out, dejected , bewildered and inadequate.

To me, this was all proof positive that whether we believe it or not, we cannot always escape from the things life throws at us. No matter how much we try to "transcend" or meditate them away. Even in the life -giving , spiritual practice of Yoga....even with a constant mantra to relax...even when i didnt realize what the problem actually was.....my body as well as my ego reacted to it.They both "knew" something was wrong , and wouldnt allow me to overcome it or block it out or blow it off.

i will say , however,that it was only during my practice that i was able to break down my "junk" into small blocks and work on each one that came up individually. For instance, i would say to myself" why did i (do or say)..." and "what was behind all that? what did i really mean or want out of it?"
And each time , with each answer i was prompted with a new question. With every new question and answer, i became increasingly more honest with myself.
Here's a real example. why did i react to my sister-in-law's email the way i did? this prompted "how did i react?"Answer: bitter, defensive, and angry. This prompted and answer for each reaction: I am bitter that she felt like she is a better parent than me.I am defensive because she attacked my personal space by telling me her version of how i should've handled the situation.I am angry because she was not supportive or empathetic.The next cascade down was:"what was the intent of her actions/words", and so on.
By the time i got back home, while i was still feeling beaten down, i at least knew why to some extent.
I am hoping to have answers to more of life's questions as i go along.Some are easy, some , not so easy. But i know that each answer will only lead to the next question. And i gotta wonder if thats any clue to the biggest question of all:What is the meaning of (our)Life?

1 comment:

Secrets said...

Solomon went thru this same thing for years. And then he answered the question. Reread what he had to say.