The Separation

I walked away from a house filled with things, and walked into one filled with love.

I walked away from no time to spend with my family, into the sound of a child's laughter.

I walked away from loneliness to find the attention i had long given up on.

I walked away from self doubt, fear, and frustration and into contentedness and peace.

I walked away from cold, infrequent interactions, and into hugs & kisses.

I walked away from separate beds, and into the arms of one who holds me all night.

Leaving behind a world of financial security, i found priceless treasures

Leaving behind a job of under appreciation, i found the excitement of new horizons.

Leaving behind the numbness of going through the motions, i found my true e-motions.

Leaving behind people whom i barely knew, i found a world of friends i never would have known.

Walking into uncertainty, I have found security.

Walking into the home of an old friend, i have found my best friend.

Walking into a new church, i have found a renewed LOVE for God and his blessings.

Don't be afraid.

Step outside the box.

Get out of the comfort zone.

Experience what you were meant for.

So, i finally got it!

After all these years, starting this blog with the words "wanting less", i just realized i have finally succeeded.I have less.

I will explain.

Since i am separating from my husband, i will not have the burden of a huge mortgage on my back. I have less worry about keeping up with the neighbors.I have less house to clean, less food to prepare.Less furniture, less space, less expectations placed on me.In fact, i get to set the parameters now.

I don't clean house hardly ever. I cook when i feel like it.My weekends are no longer lonely and centered around groceries, housework, and filling my time to ease the pain of loneliness.

My mind holds less guilt.

However, my heart holds more love. My mind is expanding , my creativity flowing. I am starting to "feel" again. Not numb.

I even feel pain better.

So there it is.....i have less and it's wonderful!

What dreams will come....

The year is almost over. Where am i sitting right now? In a very small room, in a house full of people i barely know(but whom are very pleasant) and feeling exhausted.I am drained lately. Mostly because i have been staying up too late, drinking wine and painting.I know i have to get myself together soon. I did join a gym, got a tan package, and have somehow managed to do the bare minimum of what needs done. But i am not happy with my state of mind .The future is very foggy and i am on a rollercoaster. Hopefully a time will soon come when i can think clearly..yaaawwwwwn...

update

The process is still in process. Meanwhile i am focusing on my Art. I have signed up 4 additional artists at the out let and intend to find many more. We are also inneed of a sign and i will be planning an "opening".
Keeping my mind & soul busy is helping.

Big Bang Theory

Well, it has finally happened. The major glitch...the big change...the catalyst for reform.

My husband & i may be separating.

The house is going up for sale this week. The truck is for sale. Cable is cut off. Gym memberships and lawn service discontinued.Household items placed on Craig's list.

As i sit here this morning, up early from an early night, i am without TV & news to watch. At least i still have internet service.

I was trying to avoid telling anyone anything until after the holidays so as not to add negativity.

But our annual christmas dinner had to be cancelled and i was getting constant requests to verify the date & time and finally couldnt put people off any longer.

Reactions varied.

One most memorable was a two page email from a relative.It was written June Cleaver style basically stating that a woman has to accept her fate, be thankful someone will support her and that's the best we can expect.Wow. What a great life plan. But at least a second email sort of made their statement less depressing.

And, now...drumroll please...why?

Since i have only gotten a chance to explain this to one freind and my son(last night) i suppose i will have to address it here. After all , i finally posted the impending situation on Facebook so that the rumor mill didn't ensue when the "house for sale sign" went up.

Let me start with an analogy.

For years there has been a very large totem pole in our house.At the top was unnecessary overtime hours, next there was watching tv, followed by buying unnecessary stuff. Next came the Harley. Then came the family-sister , mother, dad....and finally..at least i think,if there really wasnt someone else in all of this -was me.This is Jim's totem pole.

So-#1 -overtime: This is the biggest issue & has been for as long as i can remember. I had pleaded, begged, cried, reasoned and otherwise screamed for years that i was tired, very tired of being alone all the time while he worked more & more & more OT. I have been lonely as hell for years, doing everything i could to compensate- throwing myself into school, the gym, work if i had to, and the past year-painting.He has continued to ignore my pleas for him to spend more time with me. We really didnt need the extra money. Ironically, instead of paying off our debt with all the extra, we've simply gotten into more debt(see # 3)

#2-TV--whenever hubbs WAS home, instead of spending time with me or planning something for us, he would sit & watch the tube.He would even try to push me up to the studio to paint so he could watch sports.

#3-buying stuff- no matter how often i expressed my dreams of being debt-free, it was ignored as well.Hubbs has continued to BUY, BUY,BUY stuff and accumulate so much more debt than we started out with i would wathc my dreams slip away month by month...year after year.The new motorcycles, the new truck, big screen tv, vacations, garage items that hardly got used...don't get m,e wrong -he was very very generous with me- lots & lots of gifts, etc.But all i wanted was his time.

# 4 He never stood up for me when it came to his family. I liked his parents...but that sister of his has bullied me for years and he has refused to intervene.

Now i have to state..there has been a lot of suspicion on my part that there was someone else in his life since he was never home. He does not initiate sex with me,and frequently opts out due to some minor illness like a headache, sore muscles, pinched nerve or being tired.I have no absolute proof. But like a friend stated "Even if he didn't have an affair with someONE else, he had already replaced me with so many other THINGS , it amounted to the same".

And there you have it.

Changes

wow, it has been soo long since i've been here.

Maybe its because i've been busy with work...or those 3 facebook pages i have to manage.My painting is going well.i have stuff for sale at a furniture store & on display at Martin Memorial Library in York.I just receive the business cards i ordered. And there's a gallery in Arkansas that wants my work soon. That part of life is going well.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And this year i will strive to find even more to be grateful for.Although there is a lot going on that i cannot announce or talk about here, there is always more to life than our own little corner of the world.

My own life is completely off the rails right now. BIG BIG changes are coming , most not pleasant.There are somethings that have been needing to change for a very long time that i have just lived with and hoped would change on their own.

At this moment, i am at work, class is watching a video. I leave at 5...i hope tonight goes well.Hopefully, i will be able to blog again soon.

Drama at the Office

Wow, i can go to a place once a week , stay basically to myself in my little office area and STILL get sucked into all the office politics.

After everything i do for this company i cannot believe the lengths people will go to to try to get you in trouble.They say it is usually to try to take the spotlight off themselves, and i truly believe that.But i suppose it must be like that everywhere.

This time i was accused of fraternizing with the enemy( because an employee who was just terminated stopped in and just happened to stop in my doorway on her way out) . I was also accused of being intimidating with the vent station at the skills fair.....i don't really believe that one, i think words were twisted...most of our field staff have been asking for a refresher for quite sometime..i have been trying to get approval for them for awhile, but with no luck due to budget problems. So , if they don't know the current info, of COURSE they would be intimidated. It wasn't a teaching set up, just a testing station. But, of course the finger would point to me...

at any rate, i am going to see a play tonight at a local theater with my daughter..Rocky Horror Picture Show- one of my faves..so i'll try to keep my mind off of it..

The world is going crazy, i swear!