For some reason today, the deities of deep thought and philosophy/soul searching have laid their hands on my head.This morning a verbal/written battle began.I acted and reacted, prompting some real focus on both the determination of the whys , hows, and whats of recent events(meaning back to several years ago, and up to the current day).
I found several articles and began to peruse them, basically in the first hour seeing them through my own eyes, then seeing them through others eyes and applying them to myself.
I ran across articles on defense mechanisms, DARVO, etc. Denial definitions seemed to hit me the most at the end of it all.
At first , trying to understand the behavior patterns of someone else prompted me to look up said defense mechanisms and place a label on their behavior in an effort to learn how to best deal with them.I found what i was looking for then,in Wikipedia, a definition of defense mechanisms, and i added my thought on what purposes they served on social media.Then i found the actual term for people who use these certain mechanisms in the form of self -serving posts meant to elicit sympathy and validate one positions, there by feeding the ego like the hungry dog it is.
Next , i ran into DARVO…my most exciting discovery yet..i have rread and re read this article at least 10 times tonight..DELIGHTING in the fact that after all this time , i finally have a way to describe to others what i have been through for the past two years.Let me insert a small part of it here:
“DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, (sic), may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of “falsely accused” and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”-Dr. Jennifer Freyd
Denial of fact
Denial of responsibility
- blaming: a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact
- minimizing: an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be, or
- justifying: when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation.
- regression: when someone acts in a way unbecoming of their age (e.g. whining, temper tantrum, etc.)
- Troy breaks up with his girlfriend because he is unable to control his anger, and then blames her for everything that ever happened.
Denial of denialThis can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.[9at the end , i did also begin to look at my own defense mechanisms.I realized i had actually LEARNED to apply some of the above myself as a result of being with someone who used these tactic on me chronically.I actually started to fight back using the same techniques after a prolonged exposure.So now i am in recovery, i need to unlearn bad habits and drop off the baggage before it affects the rest of my life and relationships. I truly hope this other person does also, although i doubt life long habits will go away, where as mine have been only a temporary coping mechanism.sorry , so long..thanks for reading:)