Saturday, March 10, 2018

More Life Changes

I have no where else to go with this so i'll just put it here. This past Wednesday, after several months of casually seeing each other and agreeing on trying to rebuild a relationship and letting the past stay in the past, my ex dropped a bomb on me out of no where. He had been looking for places to move because he has to be out by April 1st- he was given 2 months notice. We had discussed several options- his friend Rich, his moms-( both of whom offered as a temporary measure) plus he had been looking pretty heavily for a place to save money on his own that met his needs.. Every home he looked at -and there was about a dozen , he wasn't happy with. He has also had a few years of looking prior to this notice, although with no impending need. One option he had brought up initially was moving in with his friend , Dawne. I expressed that i was not in agreement with that and not happy with it.Let me explain why.

Dawn was a chick he has known for years ( since college) and has slept with casually off & on over the years. Thats should say enough but , i'll go on.When we lived to gather i had to adjust to him maintaining this , and other female friendships, without being involved or spending any time getting to know them. For business reasons , he saw them, especially her, without me. That took an effort to accept. Also there were times he stated he had to spend the day at her place to receive packages- again "for business".A few months ago he brought up that he was going to ask her to start cleaning for him once a month in exchange for something. I was not happy ,but i accepted it. A few weeks ago , i noted that she had unfriended me on FB for no reason at all. I brought this to his attention and he basically blew it off, as did i.

Well , Wednesday evening he called and stated that he had decided to go halves on a place together with her. His ex lover, and very good friend. I was devastated . Out of all the choices he had, he chose that. Instead of compromising on a place of his own, without maybe a few things he wanted, like an attached garage and place to set up his music stuff for a year while we continued to work on our relationship , he chose to compromise our relationship instead.After we had finally been getting along for several months with no pressure, arguing, not sleeping with or dating anyone else.You could have knocked me over with a feather. I texted a few back and forth with his that evening expressing my dismay and finally blocked his # so i wouldn't have to be dealing with it at work. I sent a long email and told him he could respond through email back. He has not made a single attempt to do so.

All i can do is assume that, once again, i am not a priority to him, and that he would never compromise on what he wanted , ever. This has been a pattern for years. I have always come last to his drugs, business, music, just about everything.He has not even stopped watching porn. I have let all of these things go, and tried so utterly hard to be what he has wanted. But to no avail.This is the final straw, and i told him i had to draw the line to protect my heart.

People, i don't know any single person on the planet that would accept someone they are trying hard to work things out with ,for a potential future, moving in with an ex lover , and signing a lease for a year with them. At the expense of losing someone they claim to love , and who loves them deeply, just to save a few hundred $ and have some extra space for a a year.

i don't know anyone who would make that acceptance in any way, shape or form and still feel like they had any value, since he knew how i felt about it. It was the deal breaker, and he knew it.

At this point i am very depressed and once again feel like an idiot for allowing myself to believe he actually would show some consideration for my feelings for once.The last 2 times i had to move i had 2 weeks notice. I could have moved in with a guy easily. But i knew it would kill any chance of trust between us, and i would never hear the end of it. I compromised and first moved into a finished basement with a married couple, then found a place in the city that i could afford on my own.I didn't want to be in the bad area, i wouldn't have a garage, the yard is all mud. No dishwasher, an unfinished basement, the house is older and attached on one side. Its noisy from traffic to front, and i took on 2 roommates ( not ex lovers of any kind) and made it work. I dated only for a very short time..less than 2 months early in the year and then stopped completely, deciding to focus on getting my heart and head in the right place , with us in mind for a possible reconciliation. So, instead of rebelling and being stupid, i made wise choices- my health, my finances, and being a better person, plus my art were my focus.I made a lot f progress.In the interim he was also able to have his own space to spread out for his music. I was not around to bug him about playing at bars all the time or any of the other issues we had. He had total freedom.He was finally also able to set up his music business officially.
So we both make progress. i saw good things happening .

Until this.

ok, i got all that out. Now, i have to make some real decisions about my own future. Its tough, but i know i can see this as a lesson learned and redirect my focus to more beneficial things.I can look into finally moving out of state for a while. i can save money for any moving or any unexpected financial hardships. I can consider if i want to stay single or eventually allow myself to be in a relationship.Thats will  be a long long time though- too many other things i need to do first.
Anyway, thats where things stand with me at the moment .Had to get this out.Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Generational Genocide

I am 51 years old and i don't like my parents. either one of them. I never have.I have been told since i was a kid, into my twenties and thirties , even, that this would change.I can tell you, it has not.In fact, while the level of intense dislike has faded, the deeper and more personal level stuff has just continued to solidify.
 And nothing irritates me more than someone saying "you will appreciate them when u get older". How elderly do i have to be to feel this way?also,do NOT tell me the old tired "We all need to forgive our parents" thing because "after all, they are your parents".It's not just about forgiveness, its about the continued onslaught of offensive and selfish behaviors.

What i find most disturbing is that i know very few other people who have parents who are so shitty towards them.I have always envied others around me for their close relationships, love and affection for their parents, and how obviously it goes both ways. Yes, i know older folk can be difficult ..but mine have been assholes since i can remember and continue to be.But-if i say any thing to this effect around, people look at me like i'm some kind of monster.

I am not saying i don't have a love of sorts for them, or that i don't appreciate the things they did or tried to do for me.I am not saying they had any bad intentions. Probably,( in their own sociopathic way) they had and still have no internal clue how horrid they have made me feel about myself for decades, or how damaging their behaviors have been and still are.If things had only happened when i was young or even into my early twenties then stopped, i would have been much more likely to have  moved on. Maybe even started liking them again. I am a pro at it now. I've been doing it for all of these decades..sucking it up, turning the other cheek, forgiving, blocking it out, making excuses( not only to myself , but to others). In addition ,i have been listening to people constantly reinforcing that i should just continue to do so.

When am i allowed to move on and have a life free from insecurity, self loathing and guilt?How long do i have to put up with someone else selfishness and put my own life on hold?

No one would act like  this if it was about a loser husband or a  psychotic friend. They would say let it go, move on, be free of it. But, no. Guilt laid upon guilt laid upon guilt.The problem is -you are born to whom you are born to and you have no say in the matter.

I so wish i had the time and inclination to write it all down, from the very beginning .Perhaps..just perhaps someone may truly get it.

For now, i will just be as kind as i can others..but also to myself..Namaste

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

A Clear and Present Stranger

i am a stranger to myself these days.With all of the previously mentioned changes i have learned a few things about myself .

1. The Keto diet is not for me...i am fine with low carb.I was nauseous and exhausted for 3 1/2 weeks.

2. Pot has been very good to me on a daily basis as far as helping with sleep. It does not help with pain , however, and i am not in any way creative on it.I just want to do nothing but sit and watch netflix. On the plus side , i have been off of all other medications for 3 weeks now, with no issue. My reflux has disappeared and i no longer am a slave to the drugs.And the prospect of drinking on my nights off  not as attractive as it has been for years.Additionally i will be going off of insurance in a month or so, saving the hassle, the money, and sticking it to the man in my own way. thoughts have become completely redirected from numbness and blindness in the world to educating myself daily about the world and people around me.Politically, economically, and environmentally.It's  huge change from just being "charitable" in spirit, and throwing a few short lived events.I now am aware of way more than i ever thought possible.

4.My plans for the future are becoming more clear in a sense that my time line is more focused. By that i mean, making direct changes on a reasonable paced basis, to clear a path for whatever my true future may hold. Case in point: i paid off my credit card in total today , which wiped 80% of my savings out, and i will be closing out the savings account, keeping/saving my cash in a safe deposit box . Its only a few steps in my goal of getting off the grid.

5. My irritation level is at an all-time high. I am unsure if its the combination of all of the above, but i suspect it is.Hopefully this will ease up as i move forward.

6. I am starting to understand that i am no longer content with my job field, and accept that i may be looking at a complete change in the future. I have no idea what that means, but i do know i can absolutely live on less, and i am absolutely tired of being in the system.This rat will be getting out of the race.

7.the things that have been so important to me all my life ,no longer are. Including having a partner, sex, having good credit, being social, being liked by everyone, having a stable job....while they are all good things theoretically-none of it really matters list of what IS important is short right now, but growing.

so, thats an up clarity, my presence, and my strangeness..all encompassing:) Namaste !

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Mid Winter Blues

Wow..time always flies anymore between posts...i can't believe its been since October. When i look back to when i was posting almost daily, i can hardly even comprehend it. Mostly , i realize that Fb was less popular then and i had started blogging before Fb was around, so i was more familiar and comfortable with it. I almost wish it was still that way.

For one thing, back then i only worried about growing my readers in a very limited sense...i didn't have to see , day after day, who did or didn't read my stuff, "like" it, or who freinded or unfreinded it was somewhat less depressing.I had very few people to compare my stuff to, and only a few random blogs that i read regularly.Today, all of that has changed and mostly not for the better.Now i see everyones stuff, all the's like a Tv monitor i can't turn off.

The more things have changed , the more emotional turmoil i am subjected to, externally and internally. The more trouble i have separating it from reality and not comparing myself .i, like many, say i just want to get off of social media completely, but i am has almost turned into not only my daily newspaper, but my only regular social connection.I hate it.

Lately- and i could be the season/weather/cold..but most likely its my age..i want to just completely disappear for away another life .And not even tell anyone. Its impossible though .How could i leave my kids and grandkids behind and say nothing? Or leave my two roommates without a home, my client without nursing, and how would i even support myself. Obstacles, and more obstacles.feels like i'm just circling the drain, waiting to die, going through the motions. I don't even have the desire to fall in love.And sex is just a boring, messy pain in the butt.

I do go through phases of creativity and  being positive, but it never seems to last more than a month or so. Then i am back to walking the green mile .I make changes.My most recent being a Keto diet, and starting to embrace marijuana as a medicinal( overcoming my fears).. I really needed far it has gotten me off of all of my prescription medications and i foresee it as a better alternative to drinking to oil pain and be able to sleep.The health benefits of not drinking alone are worth it.I still have not kicked the cigarette habit.

I keep trying to branch out with our venue and events, plan some new projects like buying some land up north, and seeking peace through meditation etc.Its all i can do..and hope that soon the weather breaks and my attitude lifts once again. Namaste.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Halloween and Survivalist Thoughts

Well, its Halloween, and so far i have been unable to give up the Nicodemon completely...At one point i had gone 12 days then failed miserably , and after that well its been up and down..So far the pattern is i smoke only 3-4 daily, except  on my nights off ,mainly because i am drinking...I have to say 2 things here though.

1. considering i had been smoking a pack a day or more , i am proud i have maintained only 3-4 a day 5 days a week.

2. it took me two years to fully quit before with many ups & downs ,so giving up is not an option.

There's more than one thing i need to work on- i still need to cut back even more on the drinking.Its another thing i have been up & down with for a few years now. This year has actually been my most successful year at cutting back. And again, i am not giving up.

I have learned that over the past two years i really have done a lot of work on myself. I have left toxic situations, learned how to survive on my own again(financially),kept all of my medical, dental and eye appointments and started seeing the chiropractor regularly , gotten back into my art( and making a profit, at that!), I've revisited my poetry, meditation, and Yoga, started listening to CD books again,as well as stayed committed to not being committed( most dramatically since June of this year).I've also set up a home that i love, and have begun doing events in our own personal venue:)

I've taken a lot of tumbles and pulled myself back up.It's a step by step process, and i am no longer a young chicken.So , even if it takes me two years to :

1. quit smoking
2. keep drinking at a very sensible level
3. start exercising regularly
4.get my finances in complete order
5. decide where i want to live
6. stay single or not
7.start eating better( been on junk food for a year)

I will persevere..That is all...

Monday, October 9, 2017

The Pits & The Pride

So, here's how it is..

I am on day 2 of quitting smoking. Yup i am at 1 day plus 23 hrs , 25 niuntes, 59 seconds..and counting. It sucks...and thats a MILd way to put it.This is the longest i have gone without a cigarette since February of 2012, when, after 10 years of being quit, i stupidly started again.I keep asking myself why, but i know why.

It had to do with separating from my husband of 10 years, as well as moving in with a smoker.Not that i can blame either of them..i alone am responsible.I knew even then, the statistics of taking that first puff..and they were dead on.

I've so far spent the last 2 days in an extremely depressed state of mind...barely making it from one minute to the next.I cannot even imagine heroin or crack addictions...because at least i am not in physical pain, and my habit didn't lose me a job, a child, or my life in general.It merely stole years of my health, some of my money, and put me back in the "addict" category.

The main reason i decided to quit is because for the last 5 weeks or so i had been unable to sleep well due to waking up from coughing fits, even throughout vacation..this due to getting bronchitis for the 3rd year in a row at this time of year. If i cant sleep, my whole being suffers.So i could not go on in denial and suffering.If it had not been for that, i would have ignored it for years longer.

I am trying the patches but so far they do NOT seem to be helping at all.I have vape pen and am using a 0% nicotine blend, and i have the gun for extreme urges( even though that barely helps).On the positive side, one of my 2 roommates is also quitting, and the support is extremely helpful. The other one is trying but really has only "cut back". All ashtrays , lighters, etc are outside, car is cleaned out.Right now though, i am resentful( stupidly so) that the one roomie still has the means to relieve extreme urges by having a puff here  and there, and the child in me is whining "it's not fair!"...sigh.i have lollipops and regular gum, cut up straws, snacks, etc.I ahem been trying to drink extra ice cold water , stretch and get outside for fresh air, and busy myself with housework. i keep going online to support sites and have an app as well on my phone ( i check it several times a day)But it's not enough and i don't know what else to do. So here i am, blogging about it.

tonight i just had to get away from everyone , and i am up in my room alone..because i feel pathetic and weak. My mind keeps telling me i cant do this, and i have to fight back constantly.So here is a list ( as suggested by some sites) of why i need/want to quit.This si supposed to help as a reminder.

1. so i can sleep better in general, with less nicotine in my system
2. less or no coughing fits
3. less bad breath and could smelling clothes and hands
4. being able to go to smoke free places without worrying
5.not feeling toxic all the time
7.not feeling ashamed of my addiction
8.the feeling of victory over something that has controlled me for so long-discipline and strength
9.better example for my grandkids
10.less being sick

i'm sure there are more.i keep reading other peoples insights, that does help. There have been a few moments where i have felt stronger, and the 24 hr mark made me feel like a winner- at least temporarily.My next "goal" is 3 days, then 7 , then 2 weeks, 30 days, and so on..i kind feel like i am in an AA support group - without getting any chips.I know i have to think of some realistic rewards as well..

All i can say is..i will keep trying, praying not to fail..Namaste

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Being your "Best Person"

I have a huge sign on my refrigerator has 3 #'d questions i ask myself everyday as a reminder:

1.What are you doing to make the world a better place?
2. How are you going to give/give back?
3. Are you being your best person?

The last few months of my life( well years actually but more specific to this blog post) have been a virtual hell...a few moments of enlightenment , for sure...but honestly -hell.

At the end of June i made a commitment to stay out of ANY emotional entanglements/involvements /intimacies with anyone( mostly male..but also toxic female persons) . I put my best foot forward and dived headlong into healing myself in a myriad of ways. This encompassed my physical, mental, emotional and financial health.I have mentioned some of the spiritual and physical accomplishments previously. But let me expand on some other stuff.

In addition to treating my body better by getting the new bed, starting chiropractic treatment , yoga classes and increased roommates and i ventured out more into the community and became more involved in general..Then we started our own venue, The Purple Giraffe Artists Loft.This was a huge endeavor and we committed to a team effort to get it up and going. We started with a once a month open mic poetry event.

Now this is at our actual home, so set up, expenses , and advertising was all on us.I have to say here, that since i have the most past experience with doing events, as well as the largest income..a huge chunk of my time and money went into this.So far we have done 3 open mic events..two have been semi was an absolute disappointment. When i say successful, i mean i solicited several featured poets, for two of the events, and have 3 for Novembers reserved. Also we actually had some unknown/new people( about 3-4 ) show up at each one, in addition to the featured performers and the vendors, which i also solicited.

Now , at the 2 "successful" ones, even though there was maybe a total of 10-15 people, everyone had a good time and left happy. So thats success in and of we have had a a few say they will definitely return.

However, in spite the many years and many many people i have supported in this arts/music/poetry community - only about 5 have bothered to show up, help, promote or support us.Its beyond disappointing. I feel no repayment on my years of investment..only rejection, insecurity and and ostracization (if thats a word).I feel ignored and pushed aside.Its depressing and horrible.

After ruminating for months now ( and with all of the other issues- life, bills, problems, etc all piling up along side of this) i finally let some of it out today in a Facebook post. As expected, almost completely ignored.So..what does one do from this point?

Be your best person.

That means going on, surviving, re assessing , taking a deeper look at the reality and making adjustments necessary for ones mental, physical and spiritual health.

It won't be easy. I will face more of the same( criticism, difficulties, challenges, and at times, despair)..but i will be more set on a realistic outcome.I will regroup and make goals, plans, and progress. I won't give up.

I may have to , at some point, realize that the area i have been investing in is not where i need to be, where i will grow and flourish. or i may ( and i hope) to find a better, more mature, open minded group to affiliate with .a group previously unknown who are not always"up in arms" about everything and are actually wanting to improve things, not make everything an offense or something to spend time arguing about.People who want to enjoy life, sometimes agree to disagree, be healthy, balanced and well rounded in their lives and thinking.

Its all just a matter of looking at those questions, everyday and truly asking them of myself..