Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Battleground is being Prepared

due to the content of my day, i am writing to get out and release some of my feelings here..this is a simple purge of emotions, no real resolutions.
For some reason today, the deities of deep thought and philosophy/soul searching have laid their hands on my head.This morning a verbal/written battle began.I acted and reacted, prompting some real focus on both the determination of the whys , hows, and whats of recent events(meaning back to several years ago, and up to the current day).
I found several articles and began to peruse them, basically in the first hour seeing them through my own eyes, then seeing them through others eyes and applying them to myself.
I ran across articles on defense mechanisms, DARVO, etc. Denial definitions seemed to hit me the most at the end of it all.
At first , trying to understand the behavior patterns of someone else prompted me to look up said defense mechanisms and place a label on their behavior in an effort to learn how to best deal with them.I found what i was looking for then,in Wikipedia, a definition of defense mechanisms, and i added my thought on what purposes they served on social media.Then i found the actual term for people who use these certain mechanisms in the form of self -serving posts meant to elicit sympathy and validate one positions, there by feeding the ego like the hungry dog it is.
Next , i ran into DARVO…my most exciting discovery yet..i have rread and re read this article at least 10 times tonight..DELIGHTING in the fact that after all this time , i finally have a way to describe to others what i have been through for the past two years.Let me insert a small part of it here:

“DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, (sic), may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of “falsely accused” and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”-Dr. Jennifer Freyd

“It is important to distinguish types of denial, for an innocent person will probably deny a false accusation. Thus denial is not evidence of guilt. However, I propose that a certain kind of indignant self-righteousness, and overly stated denial, may in fact relate to guilt.
I hypothesize that if an accusation is true, and the accused person is abusive, the denial is more indignant, self-righteous and manipulative, as compared with denial in other cases. Similarly, I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior."also Dr. Jennifer Freyd
And here's the link to the entire article if anyones interested
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

It speaks so well to exactly the behavior pattern of some (not just one, but mainly one) of my exes.And i couldn't explain it to other people.It took too long, but now i have the actual term for it- they can look it up.
Next, i went into wikipedia again and looked at defense mechanisms.
Redaing through the list the most interesting thing was the different types of "denial" there are.While initially i didn't understand the depth of it, now i have a better insight. Again , here's a small expert:

Denial of fact[edit]

In this form of denial, someone avoids a fact by utilizing deception. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yessing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies to avoid facts they think may be painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility[edit]

This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by:
  • blaming: a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact
  • minimizing: an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be, or
  • justifying: when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation.
  • regression: when someone acts in a way unbecoming of their age (e.g. whining, temper tantrum, etc.)[6]
Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.
For example:
Troy breaks up with his girlfriend because he is unable to control his anger, and then blames her for everything that ever happened.

Denial of denial[edit]

This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.[8][9

at the end , i did also begin to look at my own defense mechanisms.I realized i had actually LEARNED to apply some  of the above myself as a result of being with someone who used these tactic on me chronically.I actually started to fight back using the same techniques after a prolonged exposure.So now i am in recovery, i need to unlearn bad habits and drop off the baggage before it affects the rest of my life and relationships. I truly hope this other person does also, although i doubt life long habits will go away, where as mine have been only a temporary coping mechanism.
sorry , so long..thanks for reading:)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Emotional Emesis

It's amazing to me how my attitude can change just by getting outside of my own skull. Before i left the house for work tonight, i was all depressed and kind of resentful about a few things that had happened earlier in the day relating to work. As I sat in thought in the breezeway, my mind had a great venting post about how people tell you to do one thing , then later admonish you for it, how i just don't understand what people want from me when all i'm trying to do is do what i'm told/ do the right thing, how people outright lie and/or twist your words,  how peoples perception of things make it a truth for them whether it is true or not ,and how i just can't win.
I still find this to be in the back of my mind. It applies to not just work but pretty much everything- relationships of all kinds,raising children, even going to the doctors.
Sometimes when my mind gets in these modes i really wish i was right at my laptop and had time to express it all in my fury and rage. Seems like i have more spitfire in me at those times to rationalize and justify my feelings. But usually i tell myself i'll do it later and the fire dies down bit. That may be a good thing, but also, I usually lose the good argument points i had(poor memory).

One of things i do remember is that i was also feeling very much like every time i think i'm doing the right thing, being a good(person, employee, daughter, mother, etc) it seems like i get backlash for doing or not doing something. For instance, if i put off a family member to help someone in the community,i'm being a bad family member.If i follow policy at work many times it doesn't add up to being caring and sensitive to the people i take care of.I would go on & on, but i'd dig myself a hole and have to defend it again later.

All i really need to say is that Thank God i came to work, did part of my online training and have had time to cool off and get my mind straight. I know i don't need another round of arguments or bad feelings any time in my near future. I'll just concentrate on trying to get by and please people so they don't come down on me. Perhaps i should begin each conversation by asking what they want to hear first(Sorry, i know thats sarcasm). Anyway, theres the emotional update.Now that i've purged, i can get back to eating at the restaurant of life..yay.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Freedom to Roam without Reprise

The last few day have been interesting and amazing. My life has been peaceful and full of blessings. Financially, i have had several unexpected windfalls.I have started a new blog..(if i can ever get it up and running) and i and very happy with some new developments. I wish I had the freedom, however, in this format to go into detail. But there are several readers I would not feel comfortable with reading those epiphanies.
Let me just say , I have ventured down a new road in my personal life which is unbelievably exhilarating and freeing.I have never known such peace in this way.
Other than that, i am actually coming to closure on some other areas, and focusing on a future that seems promising.
Right now, in this moment, i have nothing but peace:))

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Yin Yang

When i got home this morning i was dead tired, almost wrecking on my way home. I knew i had to get to bed right away as i had a doctor appt at 330, requiring me to rise at 1pm.I slept horribly, waking every hour or so- my nose stuffy or some noise, movement, etc. Finally i got up 3 minutes before my alarm went off.
I groggily made my way to the kitchen, bumbled through making coffee( yeah, even though it was a keurig, i was THAT tired). I get online and see smart comments on a post from someone that were completely unjustified.I felt like crap.

But as i was wallowing in misery, i got a call and found out 6 of the 12 pieces i just hung at a wine gallery saturday had sold! and, even better, to a fairly prominent person in the community who gushed to me on the phone about my work! I was so unprepared i thought i was possibly dreaming.

Anyway, i hd a somewhat negative text conversation with someone , then left to the perils of driving to my doctors on almost no sleep for 24 hrs. I arrived half an hour early.The good thing was that i was able to get in and out before my actual appointment time even started and had no issue getting the script that i needed for insomnia.

I drove in a trance homeward, stopping at the pharmacy who had received the script over an hour prior. I was so close to being able to get home to nap before work. Well, as it turns out it took me longer in the pharmacy than the doctors..i waited 40 minutes for the script..ugh..i almost fell asleep in the chair.
So i get home , it's 5pm…i get into bed and cannot sleep again. I didn't want to take a pill because i only had about 3-4 hrs til i had to get up and wanted to feel refreshed.Not happening. I started coughing and getting a sore throat. i slept less than 40 minutes the entire 4 hrs.

Now i am at work. Driving here was a task in my delirious state. I am stuck wearing a mask so as not to  spread my germs.And find out the parents won't know til friday if they are going camping or not so i don't know if i'm going to be off saturday thru tues.

On the other hand, the baby is sleeping quietly for the 4th night in a row and i am grateful for that.

and this has been the balancing of my life lately..up, down, up, down.

AT least i think its slowly going in my favor:)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Venice Beach

Here's a view from the beach..beautiful, lots of sailboats, clean…not to overcrowded..but very windy.
And the run down of how our time went:
1. Thursday-In spite of all the rushing around at the last minute , we actually made it to the airport for a 1pm departure fight…while we are there and waiting to board, my mom calls to tell me my grandmother has passed.
Our flight was pretty cool..i got to sit at the window from Cinncinati to Los Angeles and viewed the beautiful mountains and deserts below.
When we arrived , a friend picked us up and drove us to our motel..a very nice guy- old Hippy type, and a childhood friend of my boyfriend.We met his wife and 3 year old daughter on the way.
The motel was sadly lacking in a great many amenities including room to move, hot water, air conditioning and a bathtub. We stayed the night and decided to check out in the boring if possible.
The board walk was cool…many varieties of people and art..but lots more homeless people than i expected
2. Friday- we check into a new, much better hotel..Thank GOD!.We spent the day checking out the area, the boardwalk, the eateries, etc.We did a lot of walking. Also got some groceries for our room, and did some misc. shopping.
3. Saturday- The all day Arts & music Festival ensued..a great variety of music and very well put together for all age groups and tastes.Very tired in the evening but attempted to attend an after party..we left when we discovered our host was no longer there.
4. Sunday, spent the day on the beach with the friends…nice day, a bit windy.But enjoyable.
5. Monday-scheduled to leave on a noon flight, missed it due to a taxi/traffic dilemma and had to wait for the Red eye flight 12 hrs later..spent time on the beach again ,but extremely cold and windy this time..then a nice dinner with friends and dropped at the airport at 9m
6. Arrived at BWI at 9am , drove to my grandmothers viewing (arrived about 11am) then home to sleep a few hours before my night shift.
Yup I know this was pretty boring but basically i just wanted to remind myself how things went…Back to work...

Many Yins and Yangs

My vacation to Venice Beach  started out with my pre-emptive thoughts about my job, and a foreboding of the death of my grandmother.At the same time i had won $750, unexpectedly.Getting back this week, i find that i still actually DO have a job, and the case i adore..poor little guy only had a cold after all.But - my me mom did pass away. I barely made it to the viewing as we had missed our first flight home and had to wait about 12 hrs for the Red eye flight. I was a complete zombie, and couldn't stay for the funeral because i had to sleep for my nightshift.
When i get online tonight at work here, i notice that my ex who is a roller coaster emotionally, had block me on Facebook because he claims he can no longer take seeing pictures of me and my new guy. Geeze, after he had just liked, commented and posted about several women he wants to date…i can ignore that. But, what really bothers me is just when i am thinking he is past all this,and i think we can move forward as friends, he does something irrational.I'm not really even that upset, but it is a bit baffling.
Another thing i read on Facebook kinda shocked me too.A girl I really thought i liked went on a negative rant about a place many many people enjoy going to on First Friday here.Since she dates/sees a musician herself and had been in the artsy scene for a while, i never would have thought she had that sort of immaturity to her…truly..its sounded like a personal attack over something that was "personally" done to her alone. I have never heard any negativity about this particular venue.

Anyway, here i am at work…the little guy is sleeping pretty well…coughing a bit, but so far so good..crossing my fingers. Truly I am in shock still that i still have this case, and very relieved.I was really sure I was going to be dismissed. But I can only believe God heard all my prayers…and here i am:)

I'm going to do a separate post now about my ventures out at Venice beach…just wanted a to add some personal notes to clear my head and focus first…namaste.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

don't know what to say

About ready to give up. I see it happening all over again. I finally thought i had a steady case and i loved it. But things are looking bad. I am getting some very bad vibes that i may be, once agin , removed from a case.All i can say is, i try.I most likely did make a bad judgement call by not calling the doctor in the middle of the night when the little guy was starting to get sick. My quandary was that the family had just returned home from a camping trip and had been stating over & over how exhausted they were and needed some rest. I figured if i called the on call doctor (probably not the childs actual doctor) he/she would state to just bring him in to be seen.I did everything within my nursing judgement and orders that i felt i could.I couldn't quite pinpoint that he was actually sick or getting sick because he was up & down. Mainly, he looked ok, was alert and active but he did have a lot more alarms than usual. I was torn between thinking that if i over reacted the family would lose confidence in me to be able to care for their child without resorting to unnecessary panicking . I recalled last year when i woke a family up to take the child to the hospital that by the time we got there in the middle of the night, waking up everyone and worrying them, the baby turned out to be fine and dandy by the time we got there. It was an unnecessary trip, nothing was actually wrong. They did X-rays and probably cost the family not only sleep time but extra money for tests not covered by insurance.
In the morning( with this child) i gave both parents report plus the next nurse and then called my supervisor to update her. My supervisor made it very clear she was upset that i hadn't called the doctor.I tried to explain that the baby didn't show any other signs of illness and i treated every symptom (a brief period of wheezing with the PRN albuteral, which cleared it up, and some fussiness and discomfort during the  last hour with Tylenol).I did encourage the mom to have the baby seen, as she stated she would if the baby kept having issues that day.
I held him, suctioned his nose for congestion twice, sat right next to him when i wasn't holding him, i even held his hand and listened to his lungs and heart for 10-15 minutes at a time for any other irregularities. I took his temp 3 times, the room was very warm but he didn't have a fever.his responded to stimulation as usual. I just felt i couldn't justify making a fuss, that it could possibly be false alarms.
These pieces of equipment pick up on movement a lot of times and give false alarms.
Anyway, after he was admitted last night i haven't stopped berating myself. My supervisor was right, i should have just covered my but and called the doctor anyway. By the way…her and i don't get along very well..i always feel like she targets me for anything and everything.I have a deep seated feeling that when she called the family she probably suggested i be removed from the case since i made a poor judgement call… and perhaps convinced the family to dismiss me,….or maybe the agency itself is going to make that decision .It seems i can never do anything right in my supervisors eyes…and i think she is determined to make me look and feel bad.But thats strictly just opinion on my part, not fact..Yes, just a feeling.
I haven't heard exactly that i am being dismissed, but when i waited all day and didn't hear from her, i called and she was extremely short and cold with me. a bad sign.

Then my mom calls and tells me my grandmother has been started on morphine so will likely pas in the next day or so..while i am in California..great.. Why me?