Wednesday, August 26, 2015

True story- Rats do live in the Ghetto

a few weeks ago, my partner and i decided to go out to eat at a not-so- dainty little place in the heart of the ghetto which serves very good food for the price you would pay for  shrimp fried rice in New Yorks Chinatown. Yup, i can get a great prime rib with all the trimmings(salad, mashed potatoes, etc) for about 7.99..and have leftovers. But as one might suspect , the atmosphere isn't what one would call desirable.

On the walls are decorations covered with the tarry coatings of one of the only establishments left that still allows smoking.They range from pre 70's plastic wall candle holders to randomly mixed plates-on -rack -of-some-sort, yellowed wallpaper, sub par chairs and tables.Other features include ashtrays, paper menus, and the smallest waiting area I've ever seen(stand up room only).We won't get into the bathrooms..although i do maintain that they ARE in fact, actually clean, and stocked.

This establishment only accepts cash- no checks, no credit or atm cards..The staff(or lack of it) is truly interesting.Some are friendly(barely) and others are downright indifferent or rude.

Did i say the prices are awesome? haha

So we enter and see no sign telling us to sit or wait, we don't see an open table so we , like clown fish, wander in and out , in and out..around tables then retreating to the waiting area ..no one comes to greet us and we have to find a waitress .When we do she says(without looking up) "I have nothing..you have to go back by the door and wait".ugh.

We wait several minutes, then seeing a few open tables start back the path at which point a different waitress cheerily says" you can sit wherever you like! i'll be right with you":)Hmmm.

We sit.We notice that as usual, its pretty darn busy..especially for a thursday evening. All around us are a variety of God's golden( and not so golden) creatures.Its like being a sardine in sardine hell.

At a certain point two very, very heavy women seat themselves at a table next to us.One is black, one is hispanic. Both look as if they just got in from the backstage area of Jerry Springer. Fake nails long enough to scratch the nether regions of T-rex, large style cell phone completely decked out in Ghetto rhinestones, somewhere around 3 sets of earrings per ear( large gold hoops), and purses they probably got at an online clearance auction of Paris Hiltons pre 1999 collection.

The weirdest and worst part , however , was the clothing. Now, mind you, these chics were heavy enough to tip the Titanic. So what does one chose to wear out to dinner at such glorious heights of obesity? Nothing less than halter tops and little vests to go over them, accentuated by matching stretch leggings and , of course, the latest style of sneakers. Wow.  Grossly enough..in between said top and bottom ensemble..the fleshly heaven of cellulite floated and rolled and jiggled and sagged for the delight of all dinners in the immediate area.

Ok..already i am having nausea, but not sure if its from the hunger( we have been waiting 20 minutes just to have our order taken) or the scenic view before me. Finally ,i spy one of the waitresses coming our way but at that last moment she is diverted, yes, diverted..by none other than the baby mamma divas..
One actually ( in between texting and talking loudly on her cell for the past 5 minutes) reached out and grabbed the waitresses arm, and says (loudly)"hey we have been waiting for over 5 minutes for our order to be taken...we only want some sammiches"..ERMAGERD....and the waitress takes their order then finally comes to take ours...
another 15 minutes later..some of their food arrives..several bacon cheeseburgers(loaded) a piece some fries, and  large sodas. ok , fine ..we only ordered dinner ..open faced beef sandwich and a broasted honey chicken platter..We didn't even get the salad bar.I am getting a tad pissed.

a few other tables that arrived only shortly before or after us are served as well..Finally we get our drinks, and some rolls.Next, the divas had apparently ALSO ordered stuff to go- some fried chicken and dessert, which they also got( in paper bags which they had to check through before leaving) . They stood up to leave the one started to complain about how long it took to get service here, blah blah blah.  Our food finally arrived ( cold) as the two left the establishment bumping every table and probably human elbow on their way out , chatting still on their cell phones and with each other about "what they gone make their man do when he get home".

What a freaking waste of life.Unfortunately they were speaking loud enough that i heard little tidbits about their kids( lord help them), their welfare checks being late, and where they got their last hair extensions done.

At this point , i am done.I work all week just to eat , pay rent and car payments. This is a treat - eating out..even if its only a cheap restaurant. All i want to do is simultaneously shoot bamboo rods throughout their spinal cords while ripping each fake nail off and shoving them elsewhere. But i am so astounded that life would allow these such creatures to reproduce..all i can do is giggle.

We take our leftovers out in stryofoam trays to the car and i say to Scott-"Did you see those girls who sat behind us?"
"No"
"Well, you should start praying because God just spared your eyes".
On my way home, i pray myself-thanking God he didn't give me a mother like that.

Namaste.


Savoring the Little Things

Yes, i used to be able to do this...and now i will endeavor to do so again.

Last night i was doing a lot of miscellaneous research online...odd topics..ionic silver, hippy communes, chronic pain syndrome, Lincoln Way(Clairton, PA)..etc..

I actually enjoyed myself and still was able to chat with my BF and work on needlework.In my research on CPS..i read over and over that many times it is psychosomatic/neurological/or psychological. I have all the symptoms so i started thinking about the ways they treat this which is multi-directional.Some said acupuncture, antidepressants, and occasionally pain meds.Some suggested medical/psychological combinations.Some said address each area separately.

I started thinking about that. Most of my pain started occurring this past year. Then i thought more deeply about when and the possible whys of it all.Yes, I've had some injuries, but as the articles described..CPS goes on long after the original injury is healed.Or the symptoms start for no particular reason and no one can pinpoint a cause.So i concentrated on that.

What i came up with is thinking about the last extended period of time that i was happy and pain free at the same time. Its was about 3 years or so ago when i first left my husband and was starting a new , totally different lifestyle. At that time i felt free, happy and excited about things.Like being able to cuss if i wanted, not feeling so insecure that in wasn't like my neighbors or church family, and dressing how i wanted. I no longer had to act like someone i wasn't. Delving deeper into that i finally came to the conclusion that if most of my current pain is psychological, how do i fix that?

Well one thing i did was force myself to relax. My whole body, my mind. Not sit around with the monkey-mind and stress. Guess what? It worked.

Usually i dread my whole ride home because my back gets so tight i can barely drive. It didnt today. Now, i don't claim that every tiny little pain and all the tightness went away. But i can say that it was about 80-90% relief.I expressed this when i got home to my BF.He agrees..relaxation can do wonders..too bad i cant smoke pot!

Anther thing i finally tried today was Breath-Right strips..WOW..so awesome.. instant relief...I cant believe i didn't try them before.

Now as i sit here at work another long night, i realize that i am still dealing with many underlying emotional issues which in turn are causing anxiety, stress, depression and all sorts of uglies.And what i need to do is just forget about them..turn off that channel and go munb for a while if i have to..or if i'm lucky find a more positive replacement. i know, i know...people say this kind of BS all the time..


I'm talking little things like focusing on a menial task or activity, going for a walk, mediatting on relaxing my body and mind that kind of crap..Hey, it worked for me before..way back when the little things still made me happy( like seeing a flock of hundreds of birds, using lollipops as coffee stirrers, watching the sunset or rise, noticing small items left along the side of the road). Yup, i used to be THAT person..

So once again i shall rise ..Welcome home, my inner Hippy:)

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Everyday I'm Hustlin' ( and 10 more secrets about me)

This particular blog is for two kinds of people: those who either want to get to know me better, or those already like or love me. But it's also for me.

You see, this blog isn't just any old blog..it's also my diary, my confidante, my venting area, and a reminder of the person i was and have become- at different times in my life. As i sometimes go back through and re read my own posts from years previous( yes, i somehow am entertained by that) i am able to gauge what has changed-for the better or for worse. Mostly i am in awe of myself at how much energy i seemed to use to have, how busy and full my life seemed( i think -"how did i do all this stuff all the time?")..which was also depressing..ugh..aging!
However , i noticed today that i MAY not be so bad and decrepit as i think..after all..every day i'm hustlin'!( caution- lots of foul language in the song)

https://youtu.be/5betFZRICVg


Anyway- so here is my typical daily grind:

I work saturday through  wednesday 11p -7 am..so i drive home( about an hour) , get in bed about 8-830. Preferably i wake at about 4-430p. It takes my brain about an hour to have my one cup of coffee, plus a cup of super antioxidant green tea with honey....i usually get on Facebook for a very brief time( to check messages etc) then check emails , texts , etc. Finally i will haul my tired ,old arse up to take a bath.

About two days a week i schedule tanning appointments for 630p and they usually coincide with the 2-3 days i get to the gym( afterwards). On other days i try to either get up before 4 to make phone calls to places that close at 5, or i have scheduled doctor /dentist appointments or any other appointments that come up to get to. On thursdays( my first night off) i usually try to NOT leave the house at all so i can drink a bit, relax& wind down, and

.Friday is typically recovery day. I keep my same work shift hours on my nights off. Somehow in "between-eth" all of this i try to fit in family( calling /emailing/etc)having my grandson over as much as possible, have friends over or attend something- ( art festival or some social outing) or get groceries , run errands, etc.

Its pretty exhausting. Especially working night shift.

So  to try to keep up ,i also have to remember to take all of my meds and supplements.I have recently started diatomaceous earth, and will be adding ionic silver also.I also take glucosamine chondroitin , a blood pressure med, and sometimes an antibiotic or an allergy med.If i have to leave the house, i split this up and take them in between preparing dinner, packing my lunch, housework, and getting other stuff ready for work( which i do almost everyday).

At 10 pm i leave to drive to work , and try to relax as much as possible in the car because my back is almost always in knots by this point, and driving makes it worse..Mostly i will try to take an OTC med for pain before i leave and/or use a heating pad, or the inversion table.These are my only relief measures really and they are only temporary.My back pain and sinus issues are the two most debilitating life issues i have.

When i get to work it takes about half hour - an hour to get everything in order that a nurse does, then i get online and do Facebooking again, do research, take care of bills and issues with bills etc. check my bank account,blog, etc. I am also currently working on a needle point project for my upcoming new grandson ( october) so i will work on this at night also, and chat with my BF.

I leave at 7a..drive home and it all begins again-( unless i have an early morning appointment as i sometimes do).

NOW- if you've stuck with me so far - you deserve the 10 additional secrets about me( updated from several years ago):

1. I had a traumatic experience when i was young in a corn field.I wandered in and got lost for hours- crying and distraught. Therefore i have a terrible phobia about corn fields( which i have to drive through every night ,during the season ,on my way to work- terrified). Watching Children of the Corn did not help matters.

2. I still cannot bring myself to throw away any wish bones, no matter how small. I still don't know why i do this.

3. Not really a secret here but just FYI- my most hated foods are: Bacon, Deer meat, Pop corn , and mushrooms, liver  and lemons.My favorites vary but mostly meats..and potatoes..Things have changed.I still love all kinds of squash though.

4.i have tried to quit smoking 4 times this year without success. But I'm not done trying yet.

5.I drop the f-bomb a lot..i really should work on remedying this. It's very unbecoming.

6.i am for gun control, against pot legalization( for odd reasons- not because its not an awesome drug for some, just not for me) ..i am a christian, i am polyamorous , and i am a blend of native american, italian, german and irish.I believe in civil unions, but not marriage for anyone who is not a christian .I drink, but don't do street/ illegal drugs. I smoke cigs but not pot.I am a painter/artist.Now how strangely combined can one person get?This actually barely scratches the surface..

7.I own multiple stuffed bears now and sleep with different ones at different times. I used to only own one (Travel bear- who has been with me for years) but now theres more. Also i truly do talk and communicate with my bears. They are very important to me.

8.The thing that can make me smile any time, even on the worst days is watching video clips of baby animals..usually playing or being awesomely cute)

9.It truly drives me nuts when people say "little-est or stupider/stupidest". I cringe, and sometimes get a flash headache.

10.DO NOT call me cute , ever. ......ever.

Ok - thats about it...so now.....Enjoy putting eye drops in after reading all this...:)
Namaste



Thursday, August 13, 2015

Eating Dirt and other new adventures of old Lovie





This was me ..Then.



There is a fine line when you start to want to "feel" better more than you want to "look" better. It's called the Age of Wisdom line.When it starts, nobody can really pin down. Mine started sometime this past year...i just didnt realize it until a few weeks ago.

My pain level had been increasing steadily over the year..many different types of pain- minor body aches, gastric /intestinal distress, headaches, memory loss and lack of focus...and of course the external -wrinkles, etc..Additionally i was getting depressed and my anxiety level had brought my blood pressure to a steady 150/90.

I tried many temporary fixes..abstaining from drinking except on my nights off..getting and keeping a full-time job,eating better,less coffee , more water, finally going to the doctor and dentist, getting to the gym, etc...And i guess each of these things in and of themselves helped..BUT.....

After finding out that a bad fall had fractured two of my ribs a few weeks ago and realizing i was unaware and just pushed through the pain to a point that caused a thoracic sprain( way more painful and long lasting by the way) i realized that all along i have just ignoring many many things..pain and otherwise...I have had many disguises..many cover ups and many lies to tell myself..pretending it was normal.

Whats really wrong is my heart and soul...i had been trying to uphold old standards( some from  way back in my 20's!) --about the way i look, how i should discipline myself, what i should and shouldn't love, like, or allow in my life.These things, as they say, no longer serve me.

What i need is a total life makeover...starting with the inside...so..i started by getting back to the basics...I'm eating dirt...daily.

Not just any dirt..diatomaceous earth...i am now on day 4..only taking half a tsp.( half the recommended) and i will increase to one full tsp per day next week.I am also considering ionic silver- but mostly that's used for illness. And this is just scratching the surface( no pun intended).

As far as my life- i need Art..i need to paint. It's a huge part of me.I am endeavoring to put more of my time and heart into it and re-evaluate how i can free up more time to make it a part of my life and hopefully sell more stuff..i want to cut back to only 4 nights a week...and that will take an effort to get the budget back in order...especially after 2 unexpected weeks off.

Over all..i need to feel good- -energy and pain free living are now my goals as opposed to looking like Barbie. I've even totally revamped my gym thinking- no longer trying to sculpt..i do a circuit style 2 days a week (lifting)..end with some brief cardio..and then if i go a 3rd day its all cardio.If i miss a workout..i walk..outdoors..30 minutes- an hour..

I have also freed my mind of many other ways of thinking..such as having to believe in and behave a a certain way to make others happy..the only time i'll be doing that is when i CHOSE and when i am at work.

My heart and soul need some attention...and as for that pic above..well...this one here below is me now...not too bad for 48, i'd say..:)






Sunday, May 31, 2015

Slumming it with the Seniors

After so much stress these past few weeks i have decided to write a much lighter post instead of the recent negative stuff.I really need to move forward with positivity..so here goes:

This past Thursday i didnt want to have another big emotional blow out at home like usual on my nights off.  My first option to stay somewhere alone hadn't panned out so i decided to head out to see a friend 2 hours away.I had initially thought about going the weekend before but backed out due to an unstable emotional state and fear. It would have been a horrible mistake. However , this time i made sure to get all my ducks in a row before proceeding and it actually turned into quite the  adventure.

I first meet my friend halfway at a lovely little microbrewery/ restaurant...with a huge black concrete COW out front. Interesting place-good food, nice decor. The conversation went well so we decided to proceed with the tentative plans for me to stay overnite. As we leave , i am following in my car and sure enough we get separated. I pull over , we fail to re hook up  so i GPS the address and head up on my own. Mind you,i've never been to this place or even heard of this town- a tad unnerving and by this time it is 9 pm or so.

As i drive it starts to dawn on me that this place is almost in the middle of no where....bear country.It is dark, the roads are winding up and down throughout spooky mountains. Barely another car or soul to be seen.At one point while chatting briefly to my BFF i missed a turn..and no lie...i had gone maybe 50 feet passed the road when my GPS says"now entering unverified territories")

Great..i'm gonna get shot or or start hearing Banjos.

..i turn around and get back on track a little shaken.

I arrive at my "destination"(according to the GPS) finally( after passing numerous coal mining signs) and of course my "destination" is not to be seen. I can't even find the Sunoco we agreed to meet at, so once again i call .  We meet up..we find parking. .I ask which building it is. I am directed to look to a very large looming 16 floor building that is probably the towns epicenter of activity( a town with an area of 10 square  miles, i later find out,- 9.8 being land and 1.31water)

It is then that i realize how freaking far we are going to have to tote my overnight gear including snuggle bear, sleeping bag , a pillow and two larger bags with misc....Yeesh.

So we get to the building. I also realize now through conversation and observation that the majority of the residents are senior citizens or mentally retarded. Hmm. We get to the door, which opens up into a  tiny apartment.
When i say tiny, i mean government cheese and a monthly SSI check small...But here i am and its clean and smells ok, so...

Also i might add i was NOT prepared to have to go down to the patio via the stairs or elevator every time to smoke..i had assumed up until i got here that this was a private apartment in a small , maybe 3 story house with perhaps a private balcony..I was so far off the mark.This was more  like hotel living. Also , i am curious as to why my friend keeps telling me to wear my sandals, even when we are relaxing outside.

In spite of it all, we were allowed to drink out in the common patio area (not too bad) so i brought my wine bottle down .Never in a million years could i have predicted i would be happily spending the evening chatting away with senior citizens and mentally ill persons .It  wasn't what i had in mind for a relaxing night with a friend but turned out to be one of the most unusual and entertaining evenings i have had in a long time.

I met Gene- wheelchair bound 73 year old spitfire - lots of stories about his hospitalizations, the government and his partying days. Several other residents moved about but i don't really remember their names..all very pleasant..or pleasantly weird. I feel almost at home..This is almost like the arts community.

 At about the break of dawn we get back to the spartan room, and chat for bit, finish off the wine and before i retire i decide i'd like one more cigarette..so i don my robe and sandals, and head down the stairs recommended. i get to the first floor, see a janitor or two and ask for further directions and  make it to the patio.Several groups of residents i hadn't met were joined for breakfast or out smoking so i sat far away, quickly smoking and went back to find my way upstairs again.

Here's where it gets even weirder:

I get stopped by a man telling me the manager wants to talk to me..i ignore him and he says it several more times pointing me to the "office" where i see an older woman beckoning me.I am in NO mood since i do NOT live here and i am tired.. I say "sorry, but no...i am not going to be called into your office" i continue on, get to the elevator, to the room and my friend is absent now.

Hmm..my friend comes back up a few minutes later and had been called down to speak to the management..apparently i had caused a SCANDLE by going out in my robe. Wow. I was astounded beyond belief. I mean, What the F*ck????Explain , please..

Ok , i now find out there is a rule that one may not wear "night ware" out side of their room..What is this? Kindergarten? A nazi Camp? No, this is government housing for low income, and apparently that gives them the right to make rules about what attire one may wear. Seriously, i was covered from my neck to my knees.Also i am told why i had to wear sandals-no bare feet. I could barely control my humor and sarcasm at this point.

Anyway, i sleep for a bit and come down in the a.m. to have coffee and a smoke ..of course i am now the topic of the entire building and apparently will be for the next month.

As i contemplate the my complete need for several more hours of sleep and the dreaded two hours drive home..i had to laugh- thinking-"How about that for a for a spontaneous thursday night get away?"...i think i did well.



Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Let's Talk

I have avoided writing for several days because things have been so stressful since the recent event. After many days of up and down emotions ..i spent most of my 4 days off doing almost nothing except being sick , angry, sad, and confused.I was fine all the way through wednesday- i was working, sleeping ..mostly maintaining my numb state.Then Thursday came and the following occurred:
I had planned my thursday night off to be alone and paint , maybe enjoy a movie and get to bed..so that i could get up the next day and go see houses with a  realtor. I had some tentative plans for visiting a friend Friday night..possibly even staying over.If not fri then saturday..so that saturday i could go to a huge community yard sale and look for toys for my grandson.

Those plans may as well have been written with disappearing ink..I got home from a hair appointment and a short visit with a friend..i was pretty exhausted since i hadn't slept well the night(day) before.. i ate some mac and cheese and took a nap from 830p-10p..Got up , turned on some tunes, set up to paint and did so until about 1 am ,i believe ,out on the patio. Well, i was almost finished but it was getting so cold my fingers were numb.. i could not find a portable heater - it had been moved. So i had to text Scott to ask where it was..By the time he texted back i had already moved indoors. Since i moved indoors  then wanted to play music through my laptop onto speakers..Scott had left a 2 page typed out instruction sheet of the various ways things need to be hooked up to play cd's, dvd's ,vHS tapes , laptop to speakers, etc. etc,ect...i had been asking for this instruction list for months since it basically takes a PHD in technology to figure it  out without detailed instructions until you get used to the 4-5 components, cords, 5 remotes, etc..its has been pretty much a nightmare for me.

Anyway, i am able to follow these instructions until i get to the cord that used to be available to link the laptop to the soundboard  & speakers.So, again i have to call to ask where it is.He tells me, i  find it ..all is well..
Until about 3 am..
I was done painting and just wanted to watch a few episodes on dvd's of the Beverly Hillbillies so i could laugh to keep my spirits up ,..then get to bed. Well after 2 hours of trying to follow these instructions and getting no where and getting more upset ( as well as drinking more wine) i furiously texted him ( again)to come and help me. After all , pay my share of the bills..and being this helpless in my own home is pretty ridiculous. He kept trying to sway me form him coming and wanted me to follow instructions over text or by phone. I explained that NO..that was not going to work..i had tried and in the state i was currently in it definitely wasn't an option..

He kept insisting until i finally threatened to smash the TV. I figured if he didnt care about coming to help me for 10 minutes, maybe he would come save his precious TV.He had put me off for over half an hour so i pulled the Tv off the wall bracket laid it on the floor, pulled out the connecting cords .He had been warned. I didnt smash it..but bent a few connections on the connecting cords.In the mean time i felt somewhat satisfied but still angry and hurt..so i got into the jacuzzi and just cried.Somehow during this time he made it over and texted that he had seen the TV..i got out now upset that he had come and not done anything to fix it or tell me he  was there.
However, when i got dried off..i found out he was , in fact still there..So of course we had  MAJOR blow out.
Additionally because i was totally pissed it by this point..he took it upon himself to call my pregnant daughter and mother of a 3 year old at 5 am or so and make it sound like i was a crazy lunatic and maybe she should come get me or something.I had no idea he called until i had gone to bed, locked the door and got a call from my daughter.. Again..i was truly insanely pissed..and rightly so.We were up until 10 am arguing.

 Needless to say the next few days did not go as planned and i basically was having a hard time even functioning..my nerves causing IBS issues , the constant drama..took its toll..i cancelled everything. I barely remembered to turn my time slips in..i  ate less than i full meal TOTAL in 3 days time.Smoked like a chimney, drank  more, etc.

Finally, yesterday, we have talked a little and cleared the air as to make it more tolerable to co habitat for the next few months.Its not great..not even stable..but its a start.We are still going to stay officially separated and not a couple at this point..but try to compromise and work certain necessary issues out. All i can say is..i need prayers..Thanks>


Monday, May 18, 2015

Beauty and the Liar

Before you go thinking i am calling myself beautiful out of vanity. Take some time to read the whole post.

So, when i blogged last..it was to admit failure, and to start over ..never giving up. I know i can do this. But on that very day the following unfolded.

I get up and come downstairs at 5pm. He had gotten up at about 430pm , he stated..He was on his laptop...as usual.I thought nothing of it, this is our routine whether i like it or not.Anyway, eventually he comes to the table to talk and we re-hash the whole "home/house" thing. By 8:30pm..he decides we are ordering food and while he is out he will get me some claritin..Great.

While he is out i notice he has left his computer on..i go to shut it down and notice a second tab open besides the Facebook log in page(which he always logs out of) So i click on that tab and my whole world comes crashing down around me.The tab was open to a live web cam ..some girls porn web cam. I started looking further into it..thru his history and realized that he has been spending hours every single day on this stuff even though we have sex everyday, sometimes several times a day.
he has been doing it when i leave for work, before i get home and before i get out of bed in the afternoon..and not just web cams..all kinds of other shit that started to hit me like a brick.Like that fact that he never ever had his mail sent to our address.,he always has it sent to his mom's. even after all this time. and how the activities he has been telling me he spends time doing every night/morning just don't add up to the time it takes a normal person. The fact that he is always late and takes longer than anyone I've ever known to complete a few simple errands.For instance, when he left tonite..at 830..his stops were to include only 2 things..a pizza shop 5 minutes away and a store 8 minutes away. He always has some excuse.This time he said the pharmacy wasn't open..Didnt matter, because even if that are true and he went to the next grocery store ..that one was only a few minutes way as well. what time did he get home? after 10pm.
I found out as well he has many email addresses, of course i have to wonder why someone needs more than one or two.But i couldn't access them- gee..wonder what i would've found there.
Too much.

On top of it all i had asked him several times during our relationship if he watched porn at all, because i said i would like to watch it with him. He said No..over and over and denied he watched it.Well, on that afternoon alone, in less than half an hour , he visited 20 different webcams, and about 5 other porn sites.And his history back to three weeks ago showed this was the case, several times a day, every day.

Now i know that men watch some porn every now and then, and i have absolutely no problem with it.But when u are lying about it, hiding it and doing it this excess, and have been doing so almost the entire relationship..i can't forgive that. Its deceitful, it's hurtful, its wrong. I have been completely honest with him about every thing- good bad and ugly.Because i'd rather be hurt with the truth than deceived with lies. If he had been upfront and open, maybe we could have had a chance to work this out. But when someone loses your trust, it's gone.Truth is the real beauty in anything.Lies are the ugliness.

All i can think is of all those times i was waiting waiting waiting for him t get home , what was he really doing? who was he really with?  Always an hour or two late- with either no explanation or a very weak one..

sigh..i will never ever get my happy ending..FML.