Monday, April 23, 2018

Today's Thought

When u hurt...paint. Meditate, masturbate, listen to music..When you hurt-drink ice cold water, eat large cookies, walk outside. When you hurt-tell yourself how much it doesn't matter, say mantras, light candles, take a hot bath with essential oils. When you hurt ..DO something.It is not enough to embrace the pain,  because you have to stop nursing it.Do anything, to get a handle on it without breaking it.

Cook, clean, scroll on FB. Talk to friends. Write in your blog.Look at vacation photos, plan exotic ones, stretch, nap.

Read, listen to the sounds of nature...start a a movie.
Do something.
Do anything.

Because hurt isn't going away all by itself.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Head Room

I have a feeling i will be blogging more .As i try to figure out things in my life, process them and move forward, it's become apparent that posting about any of it on social media makes it worse, so here i am back at the starting gate. Unlike when i started, i at least have my roommate to vent with, so not so isolated in that respect. But , while i thought i had gained trustful friends over the years nd was happy about that, I've learned that one truly can only trust a very few people.So here goes.

I have been ( mostly) single for the past year and 9 months.I had a few brief stints getting back together with the ex which turned into disasters.I am finally over that. The last time he came to get some keys, i felt no feelings for him at all- good or bad. I think that's progress, and me finally starting to be able to open up to moving forward, not only with my own life, but possibly a relationship in the future. I still have major trust issues. But down the road, i don't want to be alone. I want a  companion  to be there, to sleep beside, to come home to ..someone to take care of and care for me back..I just don't know when i'll be ready....i feel like i have nothing to offer right now.

Sadly, with guys my age, most don't wanna wait long. Maybe they feel like they are too old to wait, and i get that. But i just don't wanna pretend i can be something i'm not. I feel like this pushes people away and/or i am losing opportunities.That was a part of even why my ex stated he did what he did..because i didn't wanna commit again..not for  awhile.

Next up, the fucking IRS..I work 40 plus hours a week and pay out the equivalent of a years salary to those below my income bracket..meaning 12-14,000 total. I also pay health insurance premiums each week for the shittiest insurance i have ever had. I get NO benefits( vacation, PTO) we get 4 whole paid holidays but only time and a half and only if u work them. Which, in my case leaves me with getting only one- Thanksgiving because the family goes away the other 3.And now, beside stripping me of being able to claim mileage, my agency screwed me by not taking enough out and at the last minute i find out i have to pay in $400 , get no state refund and only $66 back from local..All the while i watch my one roommate work 2 days a week, get assistance, medical card, and food stamps. she only pays me $75 a week for her room and board here which includes all utilities, wi fi, (plus netflix, youtube, haul, amazon prime video, and starz on the TV) laundry , right across from a bus stop, and use of all the common areas like kitchen , dining room,bathroom and living room.AND , she is getting back $900 from federal.She was offered another shift at work yesterday which she turned down..WTF is wrong with this picture?I have to pay for my car, insurance, gas, registration, etc.i have to pay every 2 years for my license and every year for required CEU's through the state. I get no food money, no free healthcare..I don't get to sit on my ass all week and do crosswords.I'm disgusted. I cant even take a beach vacation this year because i cant afford the combined income loss and cost of renting a beach house.So settled for a week at a  cabin 2 hrs away during a week the family also goes away so i wouldn't take a double hit in september.

And now i find out we( the u.s.) has bombed syria today. We have an absolute nutcase in the white house. It seems there is no stopping the horrors and atrocities with him. Powerless, we sit again in a war killing millions, wasting millions of dollars , while our people are homeless, starving and without medical insurance.Wonderful.I'm glad i don't vote. I want no parts of this insane maniacal system.

All i really wanna do is go off the grid. Not have a paper trail and all kinds of personal info out there to e used to target me or penalize me for absolutely nothing. 51 years on this planet and I'm no better off than the day i was born.In fact, i'm a lot worse off.

well, tomorrow is another day...

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Happy Anniversary!

Tonight i just realized its been 10 years since i started this blog. That's as long as my longest HAPPY ANNIVERSARY , my lovely blog.I see us being together for many years to come.

From the day i started this blog until now, many many many things have changed, even my base personality.I consider myself less naive, more jaded, and not as nice as i once was, but stronger and more self aware. I am definitely less healthy, have less money available, and living in a completely ( and i do mean completely) different environment .

In 2008, i had been married to my last husband for several years. we were both working long hours, attaining goals, acquiring material possessions and basically had a set life plan. We were conservative in  almost every way- from religion, to politics, to entertainment .We took twice yearly vacations, did our neighborhood parties, tithed faithfully, didn't curse/smoke/drink, exercised regularly, and dressed very appropriately . Our work ethic was stellar, even in comparison with our neighbors, friends and family. We eschewed values and morals in my children. We bought the appropriate vehicles, manicure the yard, put up holiday decor, and made cookies to deliver at the right times. Basically- we followed the status quo in every way shape and form.

Then, my son moved away after graduating and slowly i became an artist.Yup, thats where the trouble began. Soon, i started to see the world differently. I was no longer satisfied with what the world claimed was the correct and proper way to live and present oneself. I started to feel repressed and soon, 2011, i left my husband and every luxury i had worked for for so long.

I won't go into exact details of the next few years- they were up and down and all around-tragic,exciting,eye -opening, and seductive.They are what made me who i am today.

Now, instead of a $400,000 home in a upper middle class development in a country area, i live in a duplex near the heart of the city. Instead of living with a partner or husband , i live with two transgenders( an artist and a musician).Instead of buying a new vehicle every 2 years, i strive to keep my Honda's as long as possible.Instead of shopping at Bon Ton, I buy clothes at the salvation army.My free time is no longer spent at bible study, church, the gym, yoga, reading voraciously ,taking kids to appointments /school things or constantly cleaning and cooking.I no longer work 60 plus hours a week.

The only consistent things are that i still work in home care nursing ( altho i have been on one case for 4 years instead of bouncing around) and i still tan twice a week - but only seasonally.My free time is , well, on Facebook , hanging with my artsy friends and roomies, painting or drawing, and drinking beer on my nights off.I dress in clothes I've had for a decade and rarely do anything with my hair other than pull it whats that?I rarely pray and haven't been to church in years .I have started listening to books on Cds again, but my eye sight and focus preclude me from reading books.I also have bifocals now.I smoke and curse regularly. And my house is clean but not spotless.I no longer obsess about organization and schedules.

All of my friends have changed, and hell..i have hundreds more.I am starting to go through menopause for real.I ache..all the time. And weirdest of all i am NOT in a relationship. Never thought   that would happen.I have two grandsons- ages 2 &5.I own nothing, and my debt is pretty minimal.

So that is the good and bad of it for the last 10 years running.

I can say a few things about it all. I have learn a lot. I have lost a lot. I have struggled. I still don't know what i want for my future . Its all uncertain.There has been progress and regression, regrets, and relief. All in all, a life lived, not an existence .So heres to another 10( God willing)...and trying to remember that as long as i am granted another day, i still have a purpose.Namaste.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

cabin fever

I got to stay at this cabin( and draw it) for 4 days and 3 nights..and about my last post? i'm gonna leave remind me of my moods. Yes, i still hate men for the most part, but not as much as THAT

Anyway, here is the synopsis of my "mini" vacation. First let me say- i really really really needed to get was a week later , actually, than i needed it, but beggars can't be choosers. I was really still depressed about my ex, fed up with work, and somnolent about my family in general- not wanting to be around for the Holiday.

So night #1- i arrive about the dark, in the mountains...windy roads, cabin-you get the picture...I had severe anxiety the whole way up not knowing the area.Passed the village of Burnt cabins, the valley of the "shadow of death"...But, i made it. A lovely little cabin, key under the mat and sensor porch light. I called my friend , Arnold, right away to check cell service- it was weak, but viable.Then commenced unloading. About 3 minutes after i was done a soft gentle rain began, pelting the tin roof with lovely soothing sounds, and drizzling languidly off the back porch roof. I put everything away, then opened my bottle of wine.I sat on that porch for over an hour, chatted with a friend on messanger( strangely,no wifi but still had that) .And the most wonderful thing they said was "Tell me what you see".

It was dark, so i saw very little, except the rain drizzling sweetly down and the glistening trees.But it was awesome to have someone ask me that. Its been forever since someone cared enough, to care what i was feeling/seeing or thinking.

Day #2..i woke up at 1pm. had coffee on the deck, then made some eggs and hash browns  and my BFF Arnold and his daughter Becca arrived to visit at 2p for a few hours..its been since last july since i saw them both and they were only 15 minutes away! When they left, i painted an acrylic version of one of the nearby cabins,ate chicken and dumplings for dinner, had a brief fire pit campfire,then settled in to watch The Holiday on DVD.I also tried to meet my neighbors at 10pm, drunk- they were not pleased.

Day # 3- woke at 2pm...had coffee on the back porch, ate eggs , biscuits and gravy,  lazily meandered about the place taking photos, then started painting with water colors and india ink. Ate a stromboli for dinner..Managed to do 2 more paintings , finish up a sketch and start 2 more sketches, drank a bottle of wine,then watched Grumpy Old men, Boynton Beach, and The Family Stone on DVD , falling asleep eventually.Also, drank the last 3/4 bottle of wine.

Day # 4 - woke at 11 30 indoors  at the breakfast nook, ate the last of the eggs biscuits and gravy, packed up , and left by 1:30 pm.

I arrived back home in the city around 330/4 sit and unloaded. Proceeded to book another full week at the place for June.

Over all, a decent break..altho i am unchanged.i had a lot of anxiety the whole weekend with only brief periods of Zen.Still haven't processed things as i anticipated.Not sure what it will take but i desperately need to do so. It was odd coming home. I am again surrounded by people, noises, and responsibility.

There is still so much on my brain. My body pain, for one.The anxiety and depression issue for another. Decisions on relationship and life issues still looming. Finances. Future plans .I still have no idea. What i thought would be a time for clarity amounted to nothing, except now knowing  i can handle a vacation alone, in the woods , knowing no one and isolated from wifi. I guess thats an accomplishment ...sigh.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Men Suck...all of them

Sometimes i feel like it's no wonder i am losing my mind..In the last few weeks , that guy i was off & on with for 4 years just up & moved in with another girl with no warning.Then last week i find out my son is moving in a girl he knows i have had issues with since they were in high school..she has used him 3 times before, but..he is allowing it again.And i just will not even be around her..NOW tonight after a few weeks of kinda sorta starting to consider someone from the past , he starts to act all fishy and weird...i honestly believe he is getting back together with his psycho ex, even though he denies it.Fine, none of my business really. Glad i didn't let myself  foolishly think anything would come of us again.

I hate men.

All of them.

Betrayal is the only thing they know.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Faithless and Disgusted

I have lost faith in a lot of things lately, especially the hearts of  humans. During these past 2 days we had a huge snowstorm. Around the city, so many are homeless and alone. A friend of mine is one of these.I invited him to stay the last two nights and he is finally resting peacefully on the sofa. Most have no idea what it is like to actually be homeless.I'm not talking about someone who is staying with friends or has a relative they can rely on in hard times. I mean those who have NO one, and No where to go, except the meager shelters which fill up quickly, are dangerous, and only available for a few nights a month per person.Generally , you can et about 2 hrs of sleep at a time in these places- due to anxiety or the risks of someone stealing anything you have. I mean the ones who spend 90% of their nights sleeping under a bridge, an abandon building or in a box in an alley.

I've been homeless myself..for a short time in my youth . You look like a derelict and smell even worse.You can only carry one or two sets of clothes around in a back pack and you wash up in public bathrooms after dark, when no one is likely to disturb you or make you feel embarrassed. You use soap from the dispenser for your hair. So you look dirty and greasy and unkempt no matter how hard you try.

Meals are at certain places around the city that you have to walk to. Most only serve one meal a day, and when it runs out, you are you water down free ketchup packets for soup,dumpster dive, and steal syrup packets for calories.It's degrading.

In this condition, looking and smelling horrible, and having no address- you simply can not get a job. You cannot even get welfare without a physical address.Checks from disability can go direct into bank accounts but many times it is difficult to get to the bank due to money needed for the bus, fees, etc. And where do you keep cash on an unsafe street situation at night?These people are at risk from hunger, dehydration, illness from unsanitary conditions, and lack the strength to do labor jobs because their nutrition and health is so bad.Often, they are unable to take their shoes off for days on end, causing foot rot , fungus, and pain from walking around all day.

No, most of us just do not know.

Yet , i have people on FB saying i should make the homeless people staying on my sofa shovel snow or earn their keep for the 2 nights they are here. A disabled veteran. Sometimes i give shelter to a  person in a wheel chair. Sometimes people in their 70's or older. Where is the compassion?

On top of my own personal life issues, i have to deal with heartless comments and assumptions from people who think they have any right whatsoever to judge anyone.

Heres to a better tomorrow- and karma stepping in.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

More Life Changes

I have no where else to go with this so i'll just put it here. This past Wednesday, after several months of casually seeing each other and agreeing on trying to rebuild a relationship and letting the past stay in the past, my ex dropped a bomb on me out of no where. He had been looking for places to move because he has to be out by April 1st- he was given 2 months notice. We had discussed several options- his friend Rich, his moms-( both of whom offered as a temporary measure) plus he had been looking pretty heavily for a place to save money on his own that met his needs.. Every home he looked at -and there was about a dozen , he wasn't happy with. He has also had a few years of looking prior to this notice, although with no impending need. One option he had brought up initially was moving in with his friend , Dawne. I expressed that i was not in agreement with that and not happy with it.Let me explain why.

Dawn was a chick he has known for years ( since college) and has slept with casually off & on over the years. Thats should say enough but , i'll go on.When we lived to gather i had to adjust to him maintaining this , and other female friendships, without being involved or spending any time getting to know them. For business reasons , he saw them, especially her, without me. That took an effort to accept. Also there were times he stated he had to spend the day at her place to receive packages- again "for business".A few months ago he brought up that he was going to ask her to start cleaning for him once a month in exchange for something. I was not happy ,but i accepted it. A few weeks ago , i noted that she had unfriended me on FB for no reason at all. I brought this to his attention and he basically blew it off, as did i.

Well , Wednesday evening he called and stated that he had decided to go halves on a place together with her. His ex lover, and very good friend. I was devastated . Out of all the choices he had, he chose that. Instead of compromising on a place of his own, without maybe a few things he wanted, like an attached garage and place to set up his music stuff for a year while we continued to work on our relationship , he chose to compromise our relationship instead.After we had finally been getting along for several months with no pressure, arguing, not sleeping with or dating anyone else.You could have knocked me over with a feather. I texted a few back and forth with his that evening expressing my dismay and finally blocked his # so i wouldn't have to be dealing with it at work. I sent a long email and told him he could respond through email back. He has not made a single attempt to do so.

All i can do is assume that, once again, i am not a priority to him, and that he would never compromise on what he wanted , ever. This has been a pattern for years. I have always come last to his drugs, business, music, just about everything.He has not even stopped watching porn. I have let all of these things go, and tried so utterly hard to be what he has wanted. But to no avail.This is the final straw, and i told him i had to draw the line to protect my heart.

People, i don't know any single person on the planet that would accept someone they are trying hard to work things out with ,for a potential future, moving in with an ex lover , and signing a lease for a year with them. At the expense of losing someone they claim to love , and who loves them deeply, just to save a few hundred $ and have some extra space for a a year.

i don't know anyone who would make that acceptance in any way, shape or form and still feel like they had any value, since he knew how i felt about it. It was the deal breaker, and he knew it.

At this point i am very depressed and once again feel like an idiot for allowing myself to believe he actually would show some consideration for my feelings for once.The last 2 times i had to move i had 2 weeks notice. I could have moved in with a guy easily. But i knew it would kill any chance of trust between us, and i would never hear the end of it. I compromised and first moved into a finished basement with a married couple, then found a place in the city that i could afford on my own.I didn't want to be in the bad area, i wouldn't have a garage, the yard is all mud. No dishwasher, an unfinished basement, the house is older and attached on one side. Its noisy from traffic to front, and i took on 2 roommates ( not ex lovers of any kind) and made it work. I dated only for a very short time..less than 2 months early in the year and then stopped completely, deciding to focus on getting my heart and head in the right place , with us in mind for a possible reconciliation. So, instead of rebelling and being stupid, i made wise choices- my health, my finances, and being a better person, plus my art were my focus.I made a lot f progress.In the interim he was also able to have his own space to spread out for his music. I was not around to bug him about playing at bars all the time or any of the other issues we had. He had total freedom.He was finally also able to set up his music business officially.
So we both make progress. i saw good things happening .

Until this.

ok, i got all that out. Now, i have to make some real decisions about my own future. Its tough, but i know i can see this as a lesson learned and redirect my focus to more beneficial things.I can look into finally moving out of state for a while. i can save money for any moving or any unexpected financial hardships. I can consider if i want to stay single or eventually allow myself to be in a relationship.Thats will  be a long long time though- too many other things i need to do first.
Anyway, thats where things stand with me at the moment .Had to get this out.Thanks for reading.