Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tidal Changes

oh how things have changed…i have finally left the person who was making me so miserable..i've been out for about two months now..still, i have moments where i miss him dearly..but then i remind myself of all that he did, said ..how he treated me…and most of all the way he still does most of these things when we try to communicate…He is very up & down, i suspect he will never change..

In case i never mention this..he is an alcoholic…i have been living with an escalation of this for over two years, and have almost become an alcoholic myself.trying to cope with the stress and anxiety.

In the course of the two years or so we were together, my whole life changed and spiraled into a pit of despair- in every way. I lost(or gave up) everything- materially, spiritually, health-wise,etc.I came into it a Christian girl, who didn't curse, went to church every sunday.I didn't smoke, i didn't drink. I went to the gym faithfully 4 days a week.I had a great job.I ate very healthy, and had a well rounded life.

The reason i left a husband of 10 years was mainly loneliness-- he worked constantly and i hardly ever saw him.When we did see each other the conversation was short and dull..Never the less, i would take that back in a heartbeat over what became of this last relationship.MY husband was a good man- he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs..he was a great provider and truly cared about me, my health, and made sure i was always , always taken care of.I should have stuck it out, but i followed my heart instead of my head.

Of course, i can't blame this last one completely..i allowed myself to make bad choices..I am an adult..i am responsible for my actions.I just never foresaw how ugly it would become.

At this time, i will only state that i have been pursuing a relationship with another man who has been a wonderful friend( prior to this, to BOTH of us)…He has been taking excellent care of me, helping, comforting and supporting me. He is a brilliant musician and yet still  has a regular job and makes a decent living.He is awesome to talk to, funny, and intelligent.He has never been married, no kids, takes good care of his mom, and has an excellent reputation in the community…everyone likes him.

so far, so good…


The thing i am most anxious about right now is not having work..i keep trying and trying, but for some reason, nothings worked out.It seems my personality need adjusted…and heres a big deal today- i just decided to quit smoking..finally and again.Today i got a vaporizer to start vamping.I am excited, and scared. But i know i can do this. I quit for 9 years before.I could kick myself 1000 times for re-starting. But now theres a chance …

Also i have begun getting back into the gym, twice a week for now..but its a start.

I am spending more time with my family, getting to know my grandson.I feel like i may just have a future again.

Its a process , like everything else..slow and steady wins the race. Next i have to deal with my drinking issue…I only drink wine, but to be honest i drink too much of it. My plan was to have the job in place to motivate me..i never drink when i have to work..but the issue has been a lack of employment.

All i can say is i am trying..trying to make it all better….


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Somehow

I cannot seem to find the motivation or time to blog since forever…and when i think about it, i have no idea what to write anymore…is this sustained writers block?some days i wake up , thinking.."wow, that would be a great blog" then the idea slowly seeps out of me until its gone…anyway, todays ideas started out with all the women i want to focus on in my artwork over the next season…those in fiction and legend..then i have ideas for writing--- interviewing local artists, and also fictional topic ( cross bred fairytale princesses)…i know…haha..but this is the infinite mind of the ADD artist.

The problem with my affliction is that i have great concepts….and unlike some ADD people, i keep them in the conscious part of my brain….implementing them takes a lot…but i usually do.

at the moment, i am dealing with multiple health issues…relationship issues…financial devastation…etc.
I know in the reality i need to address them, and i also know art is very therapeutic. Yet, i also am start g to understand the mentality of the addict/alcoholic…they know better, but they feel powerless to stop the downward spiral.

At any rate- upswing to the survivor/positive mode- i have let go of some unnecessary burdens financially and socially this month, and have intentions to focus on more concrete and necessary things.
i still smoke too much, and drink- although a tad less than i was…i let go of my studio space in town, and will be involved in no more event planning for a while….i really want to focus on my family, as planned since the middle of january..ironically, my fiancĂ© just found out he is going to be a grandfather.

all i can do is pray, pray, pray..that this time will be healing:)

Thursday, January 16, 2014

constant argueing

i keep thinking..why God? why do u keep me here? what lesson is this? i try every day to understand….i don't regret my choices , for they have helped me to grow..but the headaches, the stress..why??
i come home, totally exhausted, try to feel relaxed..then the person i live with creates massive headaches ..i just want peace, zen..
but everyday ..i fear any alone time with this one..it ruins my peace ,my inner peace..i rally really really want to  be alone but he will not allow peace……

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

GIVE

they say"give til it hurts"
i say" give til they hurt"
until they can no longer deny that they need help.
until they stop their ego cycle
until they ask to help others because..

they need to understand that there is no better purpose on this earth.

Monday, December 16, 2013

i still hate my life....no matter how i try..some one is always screaming, yelling in my ear..i should care about this, but i shouldnt care about that...it never ends...if i want something i am being selfish.., but if they want something....well, i'm still being selfish..i cannot win...for instance..


i want to eat dinner WITH some one..before 9 pm..i wait, wait , wait, wait for them to be ready..then i am so hungry i cant wait anymore...but if i ask them to eat with me, i get yelled at..they arent ready, i am being selfish



but, i get done working on something... havent had timeto wind down from the day(at 5pm) but they expect me to be ready to do what THEY want or have planned within 5 minutes..or else i am being,,,again..selfish.

i cant keep this up...too many , wanting too much...so much..freaking out about expectations i cant live up to...alcoholics,  hormonal princesses....  greedy supervisors...they have only their needs on thier minds...


i want to crawl away..far away..from family, friends, jobs, people in general...they all want something from me..i just want me ..just for a little bit

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

so, if you were directed to this blog via my post on fb last night....i do apologize for my recent negativity..i havent always been like this...i used to a happy upbeat positive person..this past year has gotten me down so badly i feel like i was beaten with a spiked club...however, please take the time to read through my previous posts...they go back to 2008...and for those of you who think these negative posts were about craig- you're wrong...only one was about him...we had an extremely rough period...

Yes, we still fight...and things arent always peachy...but i say this...some people just give up, some of us keep trying....i am going to delete those negative posts and a few others that may offend....only because i am not thick skinned enough to withstand the criticism at this point...

I hope you will all forgive me for bringing negativity out...but sometimes, as a human being, the dark side of me just wants to explode...and since everytime i post anything on Facebook, i usualy get flack for it, or unfriended, my theory is that if i write it down elsewhere...its your choice to come look at it or not...please dont unfriend me...i'm very sensitive...just understand i get very emotional at times...thank you:)

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Today's Complaints

#1. The pitfalls of home care: Unventilated bathrooms located in the center of the home,parents who care more about their smartphone or laptop games than their child,families who work the system, anal parents who apparently think they know more than their nurse,lack of consideration for the nurses work environment
#2. People in general who: butt in line at the convenience store,block aisles in the store while chatting with their friends,  insist on bringing all 20 of their illegitimate children to the store to use their foodstamps to buy slushies,answer questions with questions or unrelated statements,drive 20 in a 35mph zone,text while you're talking to them,tell you what you ought to be doing (or not doing) with your life
#3.Clothing that: fits great in all the wrong places, falls apart or shrinks after the first wash,costs more than your car payment then goes out of style,looks like twiggy wouldn't be able to pour herself into it, is worn in public but resembles farm gear, pajamas, street urchin wear, or last weeks dirty laundry
#4. Restaurants that: seat you by the kitchen door,forget you exist after taking your order,ask the price of a delmonico steak dinner for a crab cake,and put on the pretense of being 5 star, but have a bathroom the size of a broom closet
#5.Family members/freinds who: guilt you into attending their home parties, social gatherings and church groups,think they are better than you because they have a larger bathroom area,talk incessantly about their own problems but never listen to yours,insist on bringing their kids to adult themed get togethers,complain about every other family member
#6.having to leave my house