Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Brain Game

So many things to bitch about tonight..i couldn't possibly list them allMy brain is on overload..Seriously...i have a whole list and then some..that have been working their way into my brain over the past month or so..and some more recent.

i have been struggling with sooooo  many things over this past year..from relationship changes, and issues from that, moving(3 times), finding and keeping a job, getting a 4wd for work, and finally getting medical insurance.Then taking care of medical, eye and dental needs that i had been putting off.i have cut back my drinking drastically-- had been drinking everyday before..for about a year or so..and have attempted(not succeeded) in quitting smoking.I have been trying very hard to spend more time with family and get back/maintain some sort of normalcy in life inspite of all the complications and stress.This, my friends, is ALOT for one person to go through in a year...

Now throw in major depression( not a clue what from) and a worsening heart condition of some sort(or maybe its just anxiety - but my heart skips beats almost constantly). Add in the cancer, and feeling like i don't want to hardly ever leave my house or be around other people at all.Also include that when i do drink i binge drink all on one night, and instead of being happy, peaceful and creative like i used to be..i get upset, sad, angry, and occasionally ( not as much as did at one time) get violent at a certain point.I have even lately been thinking"NO one should be around me when i drink on thursdays". I have told my Bf he should just go out on those days and leave me to my devices. I am fine on the other days( after my friday recovery time).I even act normal..all week long.Garrr...is this perimenopause?


Here's another thing: My periods are getting worse...i feel like hell when i am getting them..moody, violent, and more physical symptoms as well..I mean, what the hell? Cant i just go through menopause already?And why do i hate all men?Just kidding, but when i'm riding the crimson wave i literally hate everyone.

Next up: what ever happened to the romance? Is there an unwritten law that relationships go into a rut after 6 months to a year?so many times lately i have tried to ramp up the romance and it has utterly failed.I have rented a cabin, i have tried to get his attention in many ways(other than sex- which is always successful- imagine that- although it lacks the romance factor it once had), i have sent him music videos, poems( sometimes he doesn't even look at them or watch them until i push), posted romantic stuff on his Fb wall( that he doesn't even see unless i tell him to go look at)When we get up anymore instead of hugging, kisses on the cheek and a good morning...we are in separate rooms on laptops...not talking.I used to get texts when i got to work telling me how much he missed me already and at first he seemed to enjoy chatting with me online when i am working- now I'm lucky to get two hours and i wait 5 just to hear from him.i frequently try to drop hints that go unnoticed..and it just feels like a brick just drops on my heart.

Also, i am disgusted with the stupid crap i have to deal with in my chosen career of "nursing".Specifically "home care" and more specifically"pediatric home care".It's not enough that i work 5 nights a week, drive an hour each way, work saturday through wednesday.And that i got through the winter with no illnesses and only 3 call offs for sever weather. As far as the agencies go there are constant requirements and inconveniences(and no rewards) , especially being a night shifter...having to get up after 6 or less hours of sleep to get to the office for something is ridiculous when it could easily be done either online, or at a supervisory visit.I am also getting tired of all the "re-educations"- some of them are just plain silly, yet it shows up an my annual eval that i have been"re-educated" x amount of times.In the clients home theres always the "walking around on eggshells" wondering if u will say or do or not say or not do something that will offend the family and get u fired.For instance..i was getting bites of some sort around my ankles, the client has constant rashes.They have 3 cats and a dog. When i suggested they might wonder about fleas, (and i put that as delicately as possible) it was instant defense mode "Aint no fleas in THIS house"- yeah-ok- i don't go anywhere outside of work and home usually and definitely nowhere to get bug bites on my ankles.

anyway, just thought i would vent a bit and finally get some things off my chest.

Monday, February 16, 2015

The truth of the Matter

Its hard to believe how long its become between my posts..when i started i blogged almost daily!.To catch up on whats been happening in my life-- i had a wonderful holiday season..i got everything i wanted for christmas and spent time with my family for christmas and new years.For weeks leading up  to all this my life had been gradually getting more peaceful in general as i had made a very difficult decision to cut emotional ties with someone for the good of everyone.I still communicated with that person but eventually realized i had to cut even more ties because it was becoming so stressful.

Anyway, after the holidays , peace started to slowly erode in my home again. Over the course of a few weeks, as the weather got colder, and i worked more nights, etc.....well, it took a great effect on my relationship. I even rented a cabin and took off a week for my birthday to spend more quality time together. It was a disaster. The entire week, with a few rare exceptions(moments) was either miserable or stressful.

I could go in to detail with specifics, day by day, but out of respect i will not.And i will not say that none of it is my fault. I will say this however, i try so very hard.I have my flaws, and shortcomings, but i LOVE with all my heart and soul. I give everything, i compromise,  bite my tongue, even sacrifice at times.

I am truly hoping this gets better with better weather. Otherwise i might just stay depressed and angry forever.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Need some Rainbows

Not sure i can be what everyone/ anyone wants me to be..i can barely be myself, and when i do it seems everyone gets offended. I am to the point of giving up and just saying to hell with everyone, and locking myself away. All i would do is work , sleep and paint and not have to answer to anyone but myself.
Why , i wonder, is it ...that at age 47, i still don't get to chose who and what i want to be? I waited a lifetime to be able to make my own choices, not have to worry about the responsibility of raising kids( now that they are on their own). I worked hard to put myself through school and get where i am. I have worked very hard to keep my credit clean.
I have made some mistakes along the way. Many in fact. I have made some bad choices, some difficult ones as well as some good ones.Who hasn't?
 And yet...i still get reprimanded as if i am 10 years old and do not know how to behave or speak .It not just one person -constantly wanting more than what i have to give, and wanting me to be someone i can't be. It never seems to end.
Not even sure what to do about it.
In fact, i am sure i'll even hear it about this post..some how someone will take it personally and be offended..when i really just need to be able to say my peace..i swear i need some peace and understanding, acceptance, and tolerance.But i suppose that will never happen.i hope soon ,someone sends me a miracle..or at least a rainbow.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

This is only a poem- so don't Shat yourself..lol

Not sure i want to paint today
The flower petals have all turned black
And i want to jump into the leaves and let myself
Be smothered

I am a sexual Dr. Frankenstien,, trying
To sew together pieces of what makes sense.
I exist in this house of emotional ruin
Seeing how the dead exists with the living

This mirror- This smoky grey blackness
Reflects something that bleats and moans
Scratching the dirt walls to get out
but, never quite making it at the end of the dream

"Malcontent"
I have been labeled
Along with "Goddess" and "Angel"
What of it?

When i wash my halo and horns at night
I think only of the new day
And how to still wander this earth
As owner of both.


The Great Possum Massacre of 2014

Ok, before i get started on that title, let me just relay the most interesting evening i have had in a while.
First of all , my DAUGHTER asks me the other day if i would like to go with her to Ladies night at our local Excitement Video.
Ummmm...wow..ok...I ponder this and try to remember this is an invitation from a daughter who, only a few weeks ago, posted "i just vomited a little in my mouth" when i posted a serious scientific question about sexuality.
So, ok..i agree to go.
As i am driving there, kinda scheming and chuckling about how i can potentially embarrass her (its my life goal) i pull into the parking lot and it's packed . 
Omg.... I am starting to panic a little.After all, last time i was here i entered in daylight, wearing a hat and sunglasses, and only 3 other people were in the store. My mind conjures up what kind of perverts must be sitting in their cars watching who goes in and out.... and we all KNOW what they are doing below the level of their car window.
Ok, i see my daughter..i ask her "Why are there all these cars ?" She rolls her eyes and says"Duh, Mom, it's ladies night", as if i am supposed to know better.We walk to the entrance as I eye up the creepster hanging out suspiciously -in a suit and tie in front of the shop right next door..doing absolutely nothing of value.....pervert!
We get our raffle tickets from a heavy set, but pleasant punky looking woman and a tattooed man before we enter. The opens the door and ....

MY JAW DROPS.

There are about 100 women in there...i am dying of anxiety, especially noting that at least 20 of them are wearing nursing scrubs.

What if they recognize me?..what if they say "hi"?... what if ??.......my sweat glands are starting to go into over drive. Not only am i at a SEX STORE with my DAUGHTER...but i have to navigate around all these strange woman looking at sex toys as well and try to pick out something....pant , pant...

Next we hear the raffles being drawn...mind you i have only been there 5 minutes and have not yet adjusted at all.I just want to shrink into a corner and die..So, of course my raffle ticket number gets called...and of COURSE, its not just a simple prize i have won but i have to get into a MONEY BOOTH...

Jesus is surely trying to punish me...

I have never been in one of these wild-air -flowing- circulating- fake money machine things before.  i am quickly adorned by the staff with some oversized goggles and a tool belt from Lowes..."for my safety"... Panic rising ..what in the hell...
Anyway, as the crowd watches me, they turn this thing on and like a monkey in a cage for the first time trying to catch paper bananas..i make it through the 3-5 minutes, i guess,  come out winning $25...and some choice photos my daughter took of me.Lovely.

I peruse the store a little more, pick a few items...noting that my daughter is completely unphased by my choices. I'm still feeling very insecure.How could my child be less conservative than me? This is insane.At one point, we stood by a rack and i said"Hey, wonder what those things are?" without batting an eyelash she says"oh they are probably penis sleeves"....how many times can a person say what the fuck in their mind in one night? i think i hit that limit and beyond.

So we leave and i ponder this event during my entire drive home, still a bit shaken as i walk through my door with my bag of goodies, noting some additional "samples" that were placed in my bag during check out ( again- "what in the hell" is a touch ring?) But i've since recovered, and am here to tell this story. Next time, i will be more prepared.

Now about those possums...driving to work tonight ( i always go real slow on this one road because its so picturesque and beautiful- covered bridge, starry open skies, corn fields) i come upon 5-6 dead possums in the road...
Slaughtered obviously by a passing vehicle...Got to wondering if they were in the same family.If so, I imagine the scene may go something like this...

"Hey ... Dads playing dead agin in the road..I'm gonna go get him"...SPLAT.
"Hey Look, Sis is playing dead too..maybe it's a game- hey guys!"...SPLAT
"Hey mom, DaD and Sis are playing dead again in the road. Can I go play?"
"Sure"
"YAY!"..Splat..
....and so on.
Gotta be bad genes or something.


Peace out.



Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I am such a loser

These past few weeks i have been really down and depressed about many many things. Even though some things have gotten better the past few months i realize i have a long , long way to go before i even start to see the light. I have been very sick with some respiratory issue the past few weeks, even whilst on vacation. It's gotten even worse since i've been home. i also realized that i was extremely sick last year at this exact same time for over 3 weeks and am wondering if its the pollens and molds in the air this time of year that contribute to it in addition to the kids going back to school(more germs being passed around).

I have blogged intermittently these past few months about some much needed changes and have made a few..thanks to a 5 night a week usual work schedule i haven't drank as much as i normally was, keeping it to one sometimes two nights a week. i had started down the road of quitting smoking but have failed miserably. Thats been a huge stressor and depressing factor.It's like i KNOW i have no reason to do it, i quit for 9 whole years, and theres nothing good about it at all.I keep re-commiting to quitting and keep getting off track.Today i smoked 9 cigarettes. UGH.i have a freaking vaporizer, why can't i just quit????

Additionally i realize that i haven't gone to the gym hardly at all over the past 3 years, i don't even have a tan anymore, and i still do actually drink too much when i do drink. I feel like i just can't get myself together at all anymore, no matter how much i try..it's always short lived. I just can't stay focused.

When i re- read my blog from past years, i seemed like such a good, humorous, intelligent and together person.It's even more depressing to see how bad i have become. How could i have lost myself this way? and why can't i get her back?Man, even worse..what my children probably think of me at this point.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I keep seeing how many times i have failed in relationships and most of the time lately i feel like i am failing in this one as well.I know what i want, i just never seem to be able to have it. The man i am with does absolutely everything for me..pays the bills, does tremendous amounts of work around the house, never let's me suffer for anything i need. He is faithful and loving, a good man in general, i can hardly fault him. But i get very upset about his lack of being able to be on time for anything, and getting side tracked by a million things he needs to "do" all the time that takes precedence over our time together( even though i know most of the time its being done for our benefit).I also get really depressed because i don't feel like he is all that inspired or impressed by my art at all. I mean, he tells me i am very good at it..but there's other things that i need from him to feel as though he truly supports my endeavors and creativity.He does not seem to understand my "insane" need for him to be around me while i paint and actually pay attention to what i am doing.And, when i hear myself complaining about it, i understand how selfish it sounds.But it is truly a need for me to feel as though someone is really enjoying watching me create, and is inspired by it.In other words, i feel very very lonely when i paint around him..as if there's someone "there" but not there.Difficult to put into words.

I have been mulling over the past 3 years of my life and my choices that have led me down this awful road into a downward spiral. I really do try to see the positives..like charity work, expanding my creative efforts, and helping others. But i guess in the end, it doesn't feel like enough to make up for the bad.I have made terrible choices, even getting further away from God and not attending church at all.I rarely even pray anymore. Yes, I suck.

I wish this was a more positive post. It seemed like things were going to get better a few months ago and i was making progress, but now, it seems like i am just spinning my wheels and every new plan always fails.

Tonight, i am sitting home ,after being off work , on vacation, at my favorite spot in the whole world(Outer Banks)  and am losing another shift of work due to being sick. As if i need this right now. I so need to get my finances back on track, and having basically two weeks of no pay does not help.I had a plan- get a job, quit drinking, smoking, and trade my car in for a 4wd vehicle, then start saving $100 a week so i can rebuild my savings. I am failing.Not completely, but partially.

All i can do is keep trying, keep praying, and keep starting over everyday .God help me.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Dragon

The Dragon has long teeth
The Dragon is merciless
He see the world as his own and
He means to take it that way

When you ride the silent burning embers of the night
You ride with caution
And quietly lay yourself on his back

In this way you see the world sufficiently
You learn not to expect
Your stomach is full of the mind
And your feet cease to exist

Because, or ..is there a "because"
You always question but accept all the answers
And you try to decide
if the ride is worth he price