Monday, May 18, 2015

Beauty and the Liar

Before you go thinking i am calling myself beautiful out of vanity. Take some time to read the whole post.

So, when i blogged was to admit failure, and to start over ..never giving up. I know i can do this. But on that very day the following unfolded.

I get up and come downstairs at 5pm. He had gotten up at about 430pm , he stated..He was on his usual.I thought nothing of it, this is our routine whether i like it or not.Anyway, eventually he comes to the table to talk and we re-hash the whole "home/house" thing. By 8:30pm..he decides we are ordering food and while he is out he will get me some claritin..Great.

While he is out i notice he has left his computer on..i go to shut it down and notice a second tab open besides the Facebook log in page(which he always logs out of) So i click on that tab and my whole world comes crashing down around me.The tab was open to a live web cam ..some girls porn web cam. I started looking further into it..thru his history and realized that he has been spending hours every single day on this stuff even though we have sex everyday, sometimes several times a day.
he has been doing it when i leave for work, before i get home and before i get out of bed in the afternoon..and not just web cams..all kinds of other shit that started to hit me like a brick.Like that fact that he never ever had his mail sent to our address.,he always has it sent to his mom's. even after all this time. and how the activities he has been telling me he spends time doing every night/morning just don't add up to the time it takes a normal person. The fact that he is always late and takes longer than anyone I've ever known to complete a few simple errands.For instance, when he left 830..his stops were to include only 2 things..a pizza shop 5 minutes away and a store 8 minutes away. He always has some excuse.This time he said the pharmacy wasn't open..Didnt matter, because even if that are true and he went to the next grocery store ..that one was only a few minutes way as well. what time did he get home? after 10pm.
I found out as well he has many email addresses, of course i have to wonder why someone needs more than one or two.But i couldn't access them- gee..wonder what i would've found there.
Too much.

On top of it all i had asked him several times during our relationship if he watched porn at all, because i said i would like to watch it with him. He said No..over and over and denied he watched it.Well, on that afternoon alone, in less than half an hour , he visited 20 different webcams, and about 5 other porn sites.And his history back to three weeks ago showed this was the case, several times a day, every day.

Now i know that men watch some porn every now and then, and i have absolutely no problem with it.But when u are lying about it, hiding it and doing it this excess, and have been doing so almost the entire relationship..i can't forgive that. Its deceitful, it's hurtful, its wrong. I have been completely honest with him about every thing- good bad and ugly.Because i'd rather be hurt with the truth than deceived with lies. If he had been upfront and open, maybe we could have had a chance to work this out. But when someone loses your trust, it's gone.Truth is the real beauty in anything.Lies are the ugliness.

All i can think is of all those times i was waiting waiting waiting for him t get home , what was he really doing? who was he really with?  Always an hour or two late- with either no explanation or a very weak one..

sigh..i will never ever get my happy ending..FML.

Friday, May 15, 2015

well, today is day 1 - again

i figured i would fail..but at least i can explain...I work full-time.All week i am physically sore and have nothing to take except over the counters stuff which barely ruches it. My bf and i have lots of tension, seems we disagree on almost everything, so we argue. Thursday has always been my day to binge drink and relax myself..although the repercussions have been great..including more intense arguing and the horrible next day hangover.
I had initially decided that i would go tanning and to the gym on thursdays to kills some time an dget out of the house to distract myself.Its the worst day for me.Then i would come home and have 1-2 glasses of wine and be done with it , go to bed.

I had planned on tat this week also(did it last week) BUT within 10 minutes of waking up my BF came home and started an argument with me because i had shown him to links to homes for sale that i wanted to look at. He was extremely unhappy with the homes, and especially the locations(one in manchester, one in york haven)Now, mind you, only MY name is going on the mortgage, we are not married and he doesn't have kids or grandkids. My decision has to be based on my life, not his and the fact that i am ultimately responsible for the mortgage, and have to be happy with the home.He can walk away anytime. We had discussed this before.

So he gets me all upset on my weakest, most difficult day.Not what i needed. I canceled my tan appointment , the gym and stayed home and drank and painted.I feel like shit today and missed out on going to yard sales to look for stuff for my grandson so he can play in the yard. Also didnt pick up brake parts for my car which i need for inspection by the end of the month.

This is really a struggle for me.Now i have to start over.I don't know how i am going to deal with days like yesterday..notice 2  thursdays ago was about the same shit.I have to find a way to have inner peace ....i'll keep trying..starting over...

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Technically- Day 12...

posting this morning , early a.m. about day 11..

Went to the gym, had no real side effects or issues with anything ..didnt think about alcohol at all but this isn't unusual on my work day week..i had gotten home in the morning very irritated with my BF (about him calling my Native American post"incendiary" "accusatory" and that it would cause others to be retaliatory against me and i would drive others away if i posted stuff like that-- yeah...sorry i didnt hear you- i was too busy watching the townes people light their torches- whatever)

Anyway, so i got up , took care of the IRS thing( another long , wretched story) and then went to the gym. I made a hair appointment and tanning appointments and when got home i got in the whirlpool and then made dinner, went to work...over all an average evening.

I can't say i will likely be posting everyday during my work week as it doesn't seem to be an issue for me to not drink at all then..It's only on my nights off- and as i stated i will be going out and doing things to keep myself occupied mostly then- like getting to the gym, hitting up yard sales and consignment shops for kid stuff, keeping my grandson as often as i can, cleaning etc.

Again, this is about not BINGE drinking for 30 days..which, truly, so far i haven't..i don't intend to give up a few glasses of wine on the nights off..or a mixed drink or something..this is only a test.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Day 10

I must here and now admit that on saturday night my resolve slipped and i did have 3 white russians:..i was in such great physical and anxiety/ pain, and nothing i took(tylenol, motrin, alieve, aspirin) nothing was touching it. i probably could have done without the 3rd drink but, i just went with it.
Nothing like honesty.
On the bright side , thursday and friday i did NOT binge drink. nd i was able to spend thursday evening at the gym and then at home with my partner, and we did not argue. Friday we went out and enjoyed the sunshine and i took him to see all the spots i grew up in in the southern part of the county. saturday we had my grandson and had a very lovely time.We played outside in the yard and on the patio with water, and in the jacuzzi.

Today i got up early  since my daughter was visiting for moms day , and then i went(alone) to the gym. I got a lot of much needed hoes work done and even cleaned out my car.

So things are getting and will get better.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Day 7

today is the hardest day..i have dreaded it all week. It is the first thursday i haven't binge drank in years.I will admit i had 6 oz of leftover white wine today after the gym. But i do not consider this a failure.It isn't the alcohol thats bad, it's how its used.

and, after all, even weight watchers allows a little chocolate once in a while.

A tiny bit of guilt lingers, but not much at all. My goal is no binge drinking for 30 days..not to be a tee totaler.Right now my nerves are flaming and my body hurts all over.This is difficult beyond imagining.I feel as though i have nothing to look forward to now on my days off. I suppose this is normal.

Yes, i know..i just need to change my thinking. Theres other good habits i can partake in to look forward some point, hopefully..but right's all i can do to not cry or scream..

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Day 6

My brain has been on fire since late in my shift last night..maybe its the nerve endings regenerating, maybe its the brain drying out process- who knows.All i know is it has been very difficult to sleep with the monkey mind and the increased awareness of physical pain. In many ways i realized this week that after i go to the gym i feel so much better- pain free, energized- all those endorphins and clarity of mind...this , so far, lasts a few hours each time.Then the pains creep back in, irritation rears it's ugly head, and exhaustion begins to turn into delusion and frustration.My brain and nerves under go attack.

I close my eyes but see only the things that unnerve and anger me,my mind questions all the things i have previously believed or was blinding myself to.As i truly begin this journey i want to assert here-THINGS ARE CHANGING.

In the coming days , not only will my friends, and facebook friends begin to see a new and different me..but also those in my immediate environment as well as my family. Perhaps they will be stunned, upset, happy, sad, shocked, or ultimately moved or inspired.I wish for them all whatever they wish for themselves..I am not in control of that nor do i have the energy to be burdened by trying to sort out their feelings and/or trying to please and appease.

What i have begun to feel is an awakening of sorts..not the kind that makes me smile either. The kind that will move me into a place/space of my own doing rather than one controlled by my fears, my environment, the media, other people and other outside factors.I intend to become who i was meant to be at this time in my life.

In this( my mental health at least) i will answer to no one.It is a day-to-day excruciating process- the realizations- about myself, about my choices, about my environment,about my own feelings are coming at me full speed. They are firing at me left and right, bombs are being dropped.It is very difficult to explain fully.

I will not apologize for finally trying to understand myself, and to make a better person out of this one. I may fail at times. But , truly, the enemy and the savior exist only in one place- OURSELVES.This was the first of my revelations and here is the second one-

Fear is the only enemy- i let that sink in.

Fear can create a lot of things- anger, hatred, apathy, violence, depression, withdrawal, insecurity..all of these and more..sometimes one leading to the other until there is a vicious cycle.But fear must not only be conquered, it must be harnessed, and used as a tool- for motivation, for positive change, and self examination.In that way, we defeat the enemy self and become our savior self.

I welcome the ones who will now say- perhaps she is losing her mind..because i say YES.I am. I am losing the mind ,by choice, that has not served me well and am busy creating one that will.

Sweet dreams!

The Impending Log

Well, today i will start my personal log of ( hopefully) a day to day status on my progress.I feel as though i need something to do with my time so i don't go nuts or give in to temptation. I want to be able to use this as a personal tool to review and remember the process( how i felt, what i noticed, things i did, my thoughts,etc)
 so here goes...

Day 5(no alcohol)

I have to keep saying the mantra"i am doing this for myself" to myself over and over because at various times i will slip into blaming others for things and trying to convince myself that i really don't need to do this if i can get other crap in my life fixed. Many times i have caught myself saying "well, if so and so wouldnt be doing this or if this and that didnt happen or wasn't happening then i wouldnt need to be doing this". So i must repeat my mantra.

When i realize this and say the mantra a few times i get to the point of "why" i am doing this for myself.Here's a quick list: so that my gut feels better, so i can say i did it, so i can see if it resolves any of my physical pain, so i know what it feels like to be clean for awhile.

Also, i have two leading to the other..they say set small goals first..So i am telling myself i will go two weeks first, then another two weeks equaling my 30 day goal. I really don't know what will happen in 2 weeks..i am not giving myself any permissions or excuses.This is just the best way i know how to deal with this minute to minute.We shall see.

Some of the things i will be doing to help with the excess time i fear are:

- changing my gym days to include my usual drinking night off (thursday)
- adding reading to my life again before bed in the mornings
- drinking more water, herbal teas and grapefruit/v-8 juice
- blogging:)
- sleeping more

I am sure this list will grow.I have other ideas that i am contemplating..especially because i know i have 3 days in a row off twice this month. This will be excruciating for me. .......