Monday, November 3, 2014

Need some Rainbows

Not sure i can be what everyone/ anyone wants me to be..i can barely be myself, and when i do it seems everyone gets offended. I am to the point of giving up and just saying to hell with everyone, and locking myself away. All i would do is work , sleep and paint and not have to answer to anyone but myself.
Why , i wonder, is it ...that at age 47, i still don't get to chose who and what i want to be? I waited a lifetime to be able to make my own choices, not have to worry about the responsibility of raising kids( now that they are on their own). I worked hard to put myself through school and get where i am. I have worked very hard to keep my credit clean.
I have made some mistakes along the way. Many in fact. I have made some bad choices, some difficult ones as well as some good ones.Who hasn't?
 And yet...i still get reprimanded as if i am 10 years old and do not know how to behave or speak .It not just one person -constantly wanting more than what i have to give, and wanting me to be someone i can't be. It never seems to end.
Not even sure what to do about it.
In fact, i am sure i'll even hear it about this post..some how someone will take it personally and be offended..when i really just need to be able to say my peace..i swear i need some peace and understanding, acceptance, and tolerance.But i suppose that will never happen.i hope soon ,someone sends me a miracle..or at least a rainbow.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

This is only a poem- so don't Shat yourself..lol

Not sure i want to paint today
The flower petals have all turned black
And i want to jump into the leaves and let myself
Be smothered

I am a sexual Dr. Frankenstien,, trying
To sew together pieces of what makes sense.
I exist in this house of emotional ruin
Seeing how the dead exists with the living

This mirror- This smoky grey blackness
Reflects something that bleats and moans
Scratching the dirt walls to get out
but, never quite making it at the end of the dream

"Malcontent"
I have been labeled
Along with "Goddess" and "Angel"
What of it?

When i wash my halo and horns at night
I think only of the new day
And how to still wander this earth
As owner of both.


The Great Possum Massacre of 2014

Ok, before i get started on that title, let me just relay the most interesting evening i have had in a while.
First of all , my DAUGHTER asks me the other day if i would like to go with her to Ladies night at our local Excitement Video.
Ummmm...wow..ok...I ponder this and try to remember this is an invitation from a daughter who, only a few weeks ago, posted "i just vomited a little in my mouth" when i posted a serious scientific question about sexuality.
So, ok..i agree to go.
As i am driving there, kinda scheming and chuckling about how i can potentially embarrass her (its my life goal) i pull into the parking lot and it's packed . 
Omg.... I am starting to panic a little.After all, last time i was here i entered in daylight, wearing a hat and sunglasses, and only 3 other people were in the store. My mind conjures up what kind of perverts must be sitting in their cars watching who goes in and out.... and we all KNOW what they are doing below the level of their car window.
Ok, i see my daughter..i ask her "Why are there all these cars ?" She rolls her eyes and says"Duh, Mom, it's ladies night", as if i am supposed to know better.We walk to the entrance as I eye up the creepster hanging out suspiciously -in a suit and tie in front of the shop right next door..doing absolutely nothing of value.....pervert!
We get our raffle tickets from a heavy set, but pleasant punky looking woman and a tattooed man before we enter. The opens the door and ....

MY JAW DROPS.

There are about 100 women in there...i am dying of anxiety, especially noting that at least 20 of them are wearing nursing scrubs.

What if they recognize me?..what if they say "hi"?... what if ??.......my sweat glands are starting to go into over drive. Not only am i at a SEX STORE with my DAUGHTER...but i have to navigate around all these strange woman looking at sex toys as well and try to pick out something....pant , pant...

Next we hear the raffles being drawn...mind you i have only been there 5 minutes and have not yet adjusted at all.I just want to shrink into a corner and die..So, of course my raffle ticket number gets called...and of COURSE, its not just a simple prize i have won but i have to get into a MONEY BOOTH...

Jesus is surely trying to punish me...

I have never been in one of these wild-air -flowing- circulating- fake money machine things before.  i am quickly adorned by the staff with some oversized goggles and a tool belt from Lowes..."for my safety"... Panic rising ..what in the hell...
Anyway, as the crowd watches me, they turn this thing on and like a monkey in a cage for the first time trying to catch paper bananas..i make it through the 3-5 minutes, i guess,  come out winning $25...and some choice photos my daughter took of me.Lovely.

I peruse the store a little more, pick a few items...noting that my daughter is completely unphased by my choices. I'm still feeling very insecure.How could my child be less conservative than me? This is insane.At one point, we stood by a rack and i said"Hey, wonder what those things are?" without batting an eyelash she says"oh they are probably penis sleeves"....how many times can a person say what the fuck in their mind in one night? i think i hit that limit and beyond.

So we leave and i ponder this event during my entire drive home, still a bit shaken as i walk through my door with my bag of goodies, noting some additional "samples" that were placed in my bag during check out ( again- "what in the hell" is a touch ring?) But i've since recovered, and am here to tell this story. Next time, i will be more prepared.

Now about those possums...driving to work tonight ( i always go real slow on this one road because its so picturesque and beautiful- covered bridge, starry open skies, corn fields) i come upon 5-6 dead possums in the road...
Slaughtered obviously by a passing vehicle...Got to wondering if they were in the same family.If so, I imagine the scene may go something like this...

"Hey ... Dads playing dead agin in the road..I'm gonna go get him"...SPLAT.
"Hey Look, Sis is playing dead too..maybe it's a game- hey guys!"...SPLAT
"Hey mom, DaD and Sis are playing dead again in the road. Can I go play?"
"Sure"
"YAY!"..Splat..
....and so on.
Gotta be bad genes or something.


Peace out.



Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I am such a loser

These past few weeks i have been really down and depressed about many many things. Even though some things have gotten better the past few months i realize i have a long , long way to go before i even start to see the light. I have been very sick with some respiratory issue the past few weeks, even whilst on vacation. It's gotten even worse since i've been home. i also realized that i was extremely sick last year at this exact same time for over 3 weeks and am wondering if its the pollens and molds in the air this time of year that contribute to it in addition to the kids going back to school(more germs being passed around).

I have blogged intermittently these past few months about some much needed changes and have made a few..thanks to a 5 night a week usual work schedule i haven't drank as much as i normally was, keeping it to one sometimes two nights a week. i had started down the road of quitting smoking but have failed miserably. Thats been a huge stressor and depressing factor.It's like i KNOW i have no reason to do it, i quit for 9 whole years, and theres nothing good about it at all.I keep re-commiting to quitting and keep getting off track.Today i smoked 9 cigarettes. UGH.i have a freaking vaporizer, why can't i just quit????

Additionally i realize that i haven't gone to the gym hardly at all over the past 3 years, i don't even have a tan anymore, and i still do actually drink too much when i do drink. I feel like i just can't get myself together at all anymore, no matter how much i try..it's always short lived. I just can't stay focused.

When i re- read my blog from past years, i seemed like such a good, humorous, intelligent and together person.It's even more depressing to see how bad i have become. How could i have lost myself this way? and why can't i get her back?Man, even worse..what my children probably think of me at this point.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I keep seeing how many times i have failed in relationships and most of the time lately i feel like i am failing in this one as well.I know what i want, i just never seem to be able to have it. The man i am with does absolutely everything for me..pays the bills, does tremendous amounts of work around the house, never let's me suffer for anything i need. He is faithful and loving, a good man in general, i can hardly fault him. But i get very upset about his lack of being able to be on time for anything, and getting side tracked by a million things he needs to "do" all the time that takes precedence over our time together( even though i know most of the time its being done for our benefit).I also get really depressed because i don't feel like he is all that inspired or impressed by my art at all. I mean, he tells me i am very good at it..but there's other things that i need from him to feel as though he truly supports my endeavors and creativity.He does not seem to understand my "insane" need for him to be around me while i paint and actually pay attention to what i am doing.And, when i hear myself complaining about it, i understand how selfish it sounds.But it is truly a need for me to feel as though someone is really enjoying watching me create, and is inspired by it.In other words, i feel very very lonely when i paint around him..as if there's someone "there" but not there.Difficult to put into words.

I have been mulling over the past 3 years of my life and my choices that have led me down this awful road into a downward spiral. I really do try to see the positives..like charity work, expanding my creative efforts, and helping others. But i guess in the end, it doesn't feel like enough to make up for the bad.I have made terrible choices, even getting further away from God and not attending church at all.I rarely even pray anymore. Yes, I suck.

I wish this was a more positive post. It seemed like things were going to get better a few months ago and i was making progress, but now, it seems like i am just spinning my wheels and every new plan always fails.

Tonight, i am sitting home ,after being off work , on vacation, at my favorite spot in the whole world(Outer Banks)  and am losing another shift of work due to being sick. As if i need this right now. I so need to get my finances back on track, and having basically two weeks of no pay does not help.I had a plan- get a job, quit drinking, smoking, and trade my car in for a 4wd vehicle, then start saving $100 a week so i can rebuild my savings. I am failing.Not completely, but partially.

All i can do is keep trying, keep praying, and keep starting over everyday .God help me.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Dragon

The Dragon has long teeth
The Dragon is merciless
He see the world as his own and
He means to take it that way

When you ride the silent burning embers of the night
You ride with caution
And quietly lay yourself on his back

In this way you see the world sufficiently
You learn not to expect
Your stomach is full of the mind
And your feet cease to exist

Because, or ..is there a "because"
You always question but accept all the answers
And you try to decide
if the ride is worth he price

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Battleground is being Prepared

due to the content of my day, i am writing to get out and release some of my feelings here..this is a simple purge of emotions, no real resolutions.
For some reason today, the deities of deep thought and philosophy/soul searching have laid their hands on my head.This morning a verbal/written battle began.I acted and reacted, prompting some real focus on both the determination of the whys , hows, and whats of recent events(meaning back to several years ago, and up to the current day).
I found several articles and began to peruse them, basically in the first hour seeing them through my own eyes, then seeing them through others eyes and applying them to myself.
I ran across articles on defense mechanisms, DARVO, etc. Denial definitions seemed to hit me the most at the end of it all.
At first , trying to understand the behavior patterns of someone else prompted me to look up said defense mechanisms and place a label on their behavior in an effort to learn how to best deal with them.I found what i was looking for then,in Wikipedia, a definition of defense mechanisms, and i added my thought on what purposes they served on social media.Then i found the actual term for people who use these certain mechanisms in the form of self -serving posts meant to elicit sympathy and validate one positions, there by feeding the ego like the hungry dog it is.
Next , i ran into DARVO…my most exciting discovery yet..i have rread and re read this article at least 10 times tonight..DELIGHTING in the fact that after all this time , i finally have a way to describe to others what i have been through for the past two years.Let me insert a small part of it here:

“DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, (sic), may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of “falsely accused” and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”-Dr. Jennifer Freyd

“It is important to distinguish types of denial, for an innocent person will probably deny a false accusation. Thus denial is not evidence of guilt. However, I propose that a certain kind of indignant self-righteousness, and overly stated denial, may in fact relate to guilt.
I hypothesize that if an accusation is true, and the accused person is abusive, the denial is more indignant, self-righteous and manipulative, as compared with denial in other cases. Similarly, I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior."also Dr. Jennifer Freyd
And here's the link to the entire article if anyones interested
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

It speaks so well to exactly the behavior pattern of some (not just one, but mainly one) of my exes.And i couldn't explain it to other people.It took too long, but now i have the actual term for it- they can look it up.
Next, i went into wikipedia again and looked at defense mechanisms.
Redaing through the list the most interesting thing was the different types of "denial" there are.While initially i didn't understand the depth of it, now i have a better insight. Again , here's a small expert:

Denial of fact[edit]

In this form of denial, someone avoids a fact by utilizing deception. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yessing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies to avoid facts they think may be painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility[edit]

This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by:
  • blaming: a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact
  • minimizing: an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be, or
  • justifying: when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation.
  • regression: when someone acts in a way unbecoming of their age (e.g. whining, temper tantrum, etc.)[6]
Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.
For example:
Troy breaks up with his girlfriend because he is unable to control his anger, and then blames her for everything that ever happened.

Denial of denial[edit]

This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.[8][9

at the end , i did also begin to look at my own defense mechanisms.I realized i had actually LEARNED to apply some  of the above myself as a result of being with someone who used these tactic on me chronically.I actually started to fight back using the same techniques after a prolonged exposure.So now i am in recovery, i need to unlearn bad habits and drop off the baggage before it affects the rest of my life and relationships. I truly hope this other person does also, although i doubt life long habits will go away, where as mine have been only a temporary coping mechanism.
sorry , so long..thanks for reading:)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Emotional Emesis

It's amazing to me how my attitude can change just by getting outside of my own skull. Before i left the house for work tonight, i was all depressed and kind of resentful about a few things that had happened earlier in the day relating to work. As I sat in thought in the breezeway, my mind had a great venting post about how people tell you to do one thing , then later admonish you for it, how i just don't understand what people want from me when all i'm trying to do is do what i'm told/ do the right thing, how people outright lie and/or twist your words,  how peoples perception of things make it a truth for them whether it is true or not ,and how i just can't win.
I still find this to be in the back of my mind. It applies to not just work but pretty much everything- relationships of all kinds,raising children, even going to the doctors.
Sometimes when my mind gets in these modes i really wish i was right at my laptop and had time to express it all in my fury and rage. Seems like i have more spitfire in me at those times to rationalize and justify my feelings. But usually i tell myself i'll do it later and the fire dies down bit. That may be a good thing, but also, I usually lose the good argument points i had(poor memory).

One of things i do remember is that i was also feeling very much like every time i think i'm doing the right thing, being a good(person, employee, daughter, mother, etc) it seems like i get backlash for doing or not doing something. For instance, if i put off a family member to help someone in the community,i'm being a bad family member.If i follow policy at work many times it doesn't add up to being caring and sensitive to the people i take care of.I would go on & on, but i'd dig myself a hole and have to defend it again later.

All i really need to say is that Thank God i came to work, did part of my online training and have had time to cool off and get my mind straight. I know i don't need another round of arguments or bad feelings any time in my near future. I'll just concentrate on trying to get by and please people so they don't come down on me. Perhaps i should begin each conversation by asking what they want to hear first(Sorry, i know thats sarcasm). Anyway, theres the emotional update.Now that i've purged, i can get back to eating at the restaurant of life..yay.