Saturday, June 2, 2018

Once Upon a Midnight Dreary..

i am home, off work and sick..Havent been this sick in a long long time...and aside from all the physical pain and misery , i am anxious, alone and depressed . This totally sucks and i am powerless to do anything about it. Until now i have even felt too weak to watch netflix, draw or type much.I have been in bed most of the night and today.I have missed out on First Friday, Dinner with my daughter, and annual pig roast, and work. I just feel so alone, yet being around people would just spread my germs so i isolate. No one takes care of nurses when they get sick( i know- boo hoo- feeling sorry for myself).

On that note i may as well express my other  poor poor me feelings.

Although i can usually suppress my self pity and pick myself up using mantras and positive self talk, sometimes i have to let out my internal grief. I won't do it on social media, that makes everything worse.So here goes.

In the past month or so its really been hitting me how angry and depressed i have become over the past few years. I can blame it on many things- but mainly realizing that i have allowed people to take advantage  of me so much all my life. Not that i am alone in that, or special.More specifically though, i have allowed so many people to basically ignore me, walk all over me, or humiliate me without any consequences or reprisals.At times, i just want to scream and throw things and slap people.Even though this gets exaggerated when i drink, the feelings are still there when i am completely sober.Its easier to repress them, block them out by staying busy or distracting myself with art or housework and such- but they never really go away. I am constantly torn between maintaining the peace and really letting some people know how i feel.

Now i do admit i am not innocent. I am guilty many times over of causing people pain and anguish . I have never done so intentionally however. Maybe this is instant Karma, who knows?I also realize that i bring some of my own anguish on myself- by pushing people away, making honest statements as i see things ( which could have been let go or left unsaid) and at times, even brushing people off that i don't wanna deal with.

But in this moment, i am allowing myself to feel. Feel the sadness and loneliness and anxiety, as well as the pent up anger. I probably, in all likelihood, need a therapist or counselor. The obstacle being money to do so.Cheapest i can find is $65 a session. Insurance covers nothing.So, along with having these feelings about everything else, i am also pissed that i have no access to help within reason.I have felt suicidal at times ( rarely) and once even called crisis intervention which was a total joke.They said they could only refer me to someone, but wouldn't take time to talk to me at all.i hung up and cried for hours.

On the regular, i deal with life going through the motions. I am not an addict. I am not on psych meds. I do drink heavily one night a week, but do not crave it any other time.i am trying desperately to improve my health and stress level and decrease my body pains. I work out, i meditate, i take vitamins, and do my best to eat well.I keep a full time job, pay my bills and attempt to be social and care about others.In all of this, i still wonder if anyone truly cares about me, even though i know some do.On top of it all and probably most significant, i am going through menopause, meaning my hormones are uncontrollable- all. the. time.

So many times, i wish i had been born a man.i know they have emotions and pain as well but it seems they deal with them differently. Some use anger and violence, yes. But in general it just seems most block things out and go on. Deep down inside , i'd like to inject them with estrogen randomly, in random doses for a few months so they could more easily understand what we deal with. as well as making them bleed once a month with cramps etc for approximately 40 years of their lives, have them give birth and be forced to be "the weaker sex" physically. Lets not even mention the daily and constant sexual harassment. This is part of my deep seated anger, for sure.

Also, i would like to take some of todays youth who constantly whine about how depressed they are and how bad their life is at , say, age 23..and force them to suddenly , physically and mentally become age 50- maybe their perspective would change.Funny thing is, most of them don't even have children yet. The ones who do rarely see their own kids.They are pretty much free of serious responsibility, have very little experience in the world , yet some how feel they have it sooooo bad.Make me wanna throttle them sometimes."i cant even get out of bed today"- oh.my.god.

Next up, this whole issue with all "white" people being racists.That just irks the shit out of me. Seeing people post "you white people"or starting a post with "white people" really just sets me off.In my whole life i have never repressed a person of any color, and in fact have supported more diversity than 90% of those i know and i never questioned it, or thought about what was or was not racist until the past few years when its been thrown in my face.Everyday, no matter what a person does , someone is calling it racism. You try to help and you are patronizing..you ignore it and your are called out...you try to talk about your feelings as well and all it does is generates defense mechanisms and hatred because its misunderstood or turned around.

A lot of things in my life are in a state of confusion. Relationships in particular. I never know what to trust in, or believe or what to allow myself to believe in. And it sometimes has nothing at all to do with the other person.I have come to realize in the past few days that i was never this angry of a person before my last relationship and it has somehow stolen a part of my soul. Im scared i will never get to back, and that i, along with others will suffer for that.There was so much humiliation, lies, and manipulation. My entire being was ripped apart from top to bottom, and i allowed that. How, then, do i even recover?

Also, this fucking administration and idiot president..i could go on an entire platform, but i'll refrain.Worse than even the president himself are the uneducated red neck white trash idiots that support him. Monkeys, every last one of them. Evolution missed some people.


The best thing in my life right now is my roommate Natalie . In my entire life i have never had one close female friend- ever.So this is new to me- being able to trust another female, to know that she genuinely cares about me and my well being, and is always willing to listen- even when i'm being pathetic or venting. I feel safe with her. And i will always look out for her.

In addition , i do know that there are people who genuinely do care about me.Its hard to think about that sometimes, but i try to remember it.I guess I'm about done feeing sorry for myself so ill just close with this-

i am alive today because God says so. I cannot refute his judgement. There is a reason and purpose for my life, even if i never know what it is. so as long as another breath is given to me i must survive and do my best.Praise be.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Could This Be Love?

I'm having an old familiar feeling..and it's kinda scary...

It's a spark of hope, and an almost hesitant willingness to admit that i maybe- possibly - please-god-let-it-work feeling.

After the past few years of horrible relationship strife, i feel like i might finally be able to allow myself to love again..MAYBE.

Unbelievable  how frightening this is. I've become so skittish...I remember a few years ago( about 2011) i just let go and flew like a bird set free into a new love, and actually truly enjoyed life for awhile . Then , everything went to shit . Because of all that hell, i've been single for the past 2 years( mostly- outside of non committal dating stuff) and have somehow UNtrained the part of me that allowed"love and letting myself be free".I have been so angry, so scared, and so unwilling to allow anything past the front door in my life..it's sooooo hard to try to let go.But i can say i am on the verge of doing just that.

Somehow i can sort of see a tiny crack of light - something saying it's possible to fall in love again, and enjoy life again...Can it be true? Oh God help me - it's too soon to tell for sure.

A few times a day i let a tiny thought pass through my brain...just a short , small remembrance of sorts...but so far , i haven't let it go any further..all i can say is


UGH- praying really hard!


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Sore/Not sore

i did  it..i made it through my first gym night on years. I am not too sore yet but i am sure that is to come , and probably today when i wake up...I am excited that i will be finally taking more steps to regain the person i lost so long ago..and, its unbelievable to me that i weigh so much now.Insane in fact. I've really got to do better with my diet. I'll start that today also..just a little at a time.No plans to quit smoking again yet.But i know for sure at least the exercise will help with focus, pain, energy , anxiety , etc:)

For the first time in a long time i feel like i can finally open my heart as well, even though i will likely get hurt again.I cant keep it closed up forever. We shall see.

Also on my brain is getting back to church..i just don't know how i can swing that with my schedule but i feel that missing in my life.And continuing to save money to either move or buy some property( land or a home). Yup, sure am doing a lot of thinking...haha!

i'll going again tonight and tomorrow- this week is just getting re- acclimated to the equipment and weighs/reps. In the next few weeks the challenge will be making it a routine/habit..

boring post, but...updates anyway:)


Tuesday, May 15, 2018

New Beginnings

 Today I start the gym once again, to refocus myself, to look forward to regaining a lost purpose, with health and a positive attitude. Along my path I will love again, hurt again, learn again, and so shall I then live again.

Since July of 2016, I have spent a lot of time re-visiting some old paths..some good, some bad..But mostly I tried new ones, and have come to have many new insights on life .I know that I can survive on my own. I know that I can walk away from toxic people and calm my emotions 90% of the time. I know that I do not need to drink 6 days a week, and that i can enjoy beer on my night off without guilt, because I have gained that control. I know that meditation is a practice that helps immensely, and that practicing my art/drawing daily has paid off. In these things I will continue to grow and change as needed.

New to me- menopause. I need to address it.It is definitely in progress. If anyone notices iIhave finally changed my blog list on here to include informative and funny relevant blogs.At some point, I need to update my picture- the current one is 5 years old.

Relationships have taken on a whole new meaning for me, in many ways.I will continue to stubbornly refuse drama, even if it means being alone. But I will also reinforce my love, and maintain what is truth.No games, no manipulating, no guilt trips. It is done.

I look forward to a new chapter in  my life, a new journey, new freedom and new adventures. Namaste.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Of lost hearts and dream cars...

I once owned a car that had been owned several times before it got to me.I loved that car, even though it wasn't brand new, because it was still nice looking and ran beautifully. For the first year or so, i took very good care of it- regular oil changes and maintenance , car washes, and interior cleaning/vacumming. I hung sweet air fresheners, bought some seat covers, played with all the options and was ecstatic that it got me wherever i needed to go without any issues.After a while though, i started taking it for granted. I started skipping or putting off maintenance, stopped washing and vacuuming it all together and over time, even started leaving trash in it and not emptying the ashtray.Really, i figured, it didn't need all that much attention- as long as i kept the gas tank filled and it had decent tires and passed inspection- we were good to go.

Another year or so went by and occasionally it had a hard time starting or some minor problem , but i only dealt with it when i had to.As long as it kept running and getting me where i needed, i was content.One day it started harder than usual. I kept trying and trying and after about 8 tries, it finally started roughly and we were down the road..for the first few miles it seemed ok but then it started making funny noises, they got louder..i turned the radio up and tried to ignore them. I tried to keep my mind off the possibility that something was wrong because i really really really didn't want to deal with it.

But suddenly a squirrel ran out in front of me. As i tried fervently to brake i realized that something was wrong-- very wrong..i couldn't stop..and as i pulled on the emergency brake too late the car smashed head long into a traffic sign , rolling over on its side . Scared the crap out of me.I was ok, but shaken and got out . I called triple A, then my insurance company. The police came , took their report, and i Ubered home. The next day i rented a car, had mine towed home.I was devastated, i prayed and prayed that the car would magically fix itself, or that some angel would just come down and forgive me and i would wake up to my car being exactly as it used to be."i'm sorry, i'm sorry- i made a mistake"- i kept repeating . But alas i realized it wasn't going to happen.Over the next few weeks i found out how much it would cost to repair, and how much time it would take..i didn't have the time, and even though the money was doable i just gave up and went directly to a dealership and obtained another car .

The new car was great at first, even though i was paying a HUGE monthly payment and higher insurance. It didn't really have all the cool, quirky features as my old one but it smelled nice, and all my friends ooh-ed and ahhh-ed over it. I kept looking at the old car thinking i would get it fixed.After about 3 months i realized that i could no longer afford the apartment and the new car so i decided to move and down size. the old car remained in the driveway and i cut a deal with my landlord to sign over the title in lieu of my last months rent.

The new apartment was only a few blocks from my old one, so i still drove by my old car almost every day, and for almost a year it sat there. Then one day, it was gone.I really didn't think too much about it until i happened to drive by the apartment one saturday morning to see the garage door opened and there was my "old" car. I just about passed out. The person who lived there was outside sitting on the porch so i took a chance and stopped in.

I explained what happened and the man listened intently. I couldn't believe the car in the garage was actually my old car. It looked brand new- new paint, lots of new parts and was running without a hitch. worst of all i found out from the new owner that it was a rare model and after a few repairs was worth thousands more than it cost to fix, and far more than i had payed for it.The man said he absolutely loved the car, he had had it photographed for magazines and entered it into some contests and drove it daily to work. He had even taken it on a few vacations. He was obviously so in love with it, i didn't dare ask to take it for a drive or even touch it. I was humiliated, angry at myself, and depressed.And as i got into my new( now older) car, i felt like i was driving a bargain basement Chevette. I no longer enjoyed it or even wanted it. But i was stuck..with the payments, costly maintenance and repairs and high insurance premiums.

What amazes me about this story , is that it shocks me to this day how some people treat relationships in exactly the same way. They pay attention to it for awhile when its new , then start taking it for granted. They let maintenance issues go,dont put any effort into fixing problems, pray for forgiveness for wrong doings and just hope it all goes away without any effort, time or pay out on their part.They believe if the ignore it, and just feel remorse instead of taking action there will be no consequences and the relationship will still be there when they need it.They don't feel like taking any responsibility  for any problems and even when they do, it's only to say they are sorry.

Then one day, they wake up to find that relationship, like the car, has been acquired by someone else who truly cherishes it, spend time caring for it, and feels lucky to have found it.

If i am ever lucky enough to have a car like that again, i will certainly not forget the lesson i learned. I will not let it go, and i will do whatever i have to to keep it well maintained,running and happy.Because in the end, theres nothing more worth while than something that takes care of us as much as we take care of it, or them.


Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Pride and prejudice ?

People , men especially, never really give me a chance..

Its like looking at the first stages of a piece of art and judging the artist- when in fact the final piece may be a masterpiece.

I never thought about this before in my whole life until recently.
In fact, i truly thought i was the impatient one.
In fact, i was often TOLD i was impatient.But it has just occurred to me, that when it comes to relationships..i am the most long suffering , tolerant, and patient part of the equation.

Consider, i rarely have gone into any relationship actually believing it to be one. I can only think of one- ever.

Usually, it all starts out as a friendship, or an obligation and just sort of "becomes" a relationship by proxy.And in that way, i wind up having put way more into the relationship prior to it even becoming one.But also, resenting that it became one almost immediately upon realizing it.So, starting with all of that, here is my point.

Many times i have spent a night or even a few nights with someone over the years..one of 3 things generally happen...either, they give up because i won't immediately commit..OR they walk way because they decided  ahead of time i was their fantasy  and i disappointed them in so many ways.. OR ( less common, but it does happen) they just wanted a quick fuck.

Yup.

Now this is not counting the actual relationships previously mentioned.Because here is the tie in...at times i have felt ..umm..strangely disappointed when someone has given up for the above reasons, so i figured out the best way to work them over( even if i really didn't want them, but just on the manner of principle to pay the back for being such assholes)..Usually, it worked..the downside was, dammit- then i was stuck in a relationship i didn't want and had to spend even more time getting out of it.
Make sense yet?


The saddest part of all of it is that its getting even worse with age...men, i mean..they are so so so ultra impatient - it's like they are going to die if they don't have a partner..and they will take just about ANYONE who will have them, no matter what the warning signs....in this past year alone, I've ruined countless "chances" to have a partner..because i pushed them away from the onset.It was a pain in the ass..they kept pursuing me no matter how mean or distant i was..eventually though, most finally left.At first, a relief..because i wasn't battling it every day..second a new sense of self purpose & doing my own thing for once in my life..now...i'm just not even sure.

I mean, i am sure i am heterosexual..thats an absolute fact..i have tried and proven it. I lean towards  polyamory but that is so ultra sketchy..it has to be just right and that is extremely rare.But , monogamy..thats where i start to falter..Im not into swinging( anymore) -it empty . And i don't know about the open marriage thing..

Sigh..i guess i will,just have to take some more time..i will likely end up alone.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Patience , patience....

I really wanna do this hair thing sometime this summer..I've had the same hairstyle and color for decades and I've wanted to do it since the 80's but have never been brave enough.I've basically kept the blonde thing/no style for so long out of insecurity- white hairs, and the whole thing of the way guys act towards blondes..they always get more attention. But lately i'm starting to change my attitudes about many things. I want to live and make decisions based on MY needs.

For once in my life, i am starting to be able to actually walk away from things that i know aren't right for me, or that i'm not ready for.(Also drama...i have enough without even trying..All i have to do is open my eyes and breathe some days and along comes Little Miss Drama, all on her own).

Mainly my concern right now is that so many people are unable to be patient with me, or things. In the past, i allowed their dissatisfaction and needs to come before my own, and out of guilt or feeling pushed, i jumped into situations that hurt me greatly in the long run. Much of that has drained me emotionally and spiritually . Additionally, i am going through menopause and it truly affects me daily.I am on a roller coaster at least 2-3 days a week on average and nothing controls it.This Monday i am going to check out a local gym..I know exercise has helped with stress and energy in the past.Its just a matter of committing to it.

I have been putting more energy into getting out and involved in the community again..doing my art thing, and choosing my friends wisely.Yet, a part of me remains skeptical and hesitant to immerse myself in that world too much again. This past year has done a lot of damage to my psyche, and my reputation. It's like, the more you put yourself out there, the more likely it is that you will get hurt and disappointed.On the whole , i have really toned down any personal posts on Fb. 90% is just art related. I've stopped responding to things that have any controversy whatsoever no matter how tempting it is to do so.And i have directed my energies towards people i know are "good" people, with good hearts and intentions rather than the psychological vampires i've hung around in the past.They no longer deserve my time and attention.I will not let their drama suck the life blood out of me any longer.

i simply walk away.

This isn't to say i am not civil and friendly towards them,or angry. I just keep my distance for my own sanity.

On another note( speaking of stress) i did have dinner with my mom last evening. I had every intention of setting things straight . Initially i thought i would start with my childhood and cover that, leading up to the present. Then a few days before the dinner i decided to just narrow it down to discussing the issue of her with my kids. Then when we actually met, she did as she always does. Talked the entire time about herself and her problems and i could barely get a word in edge wise..she interrupted me constantly, and if i responded to something and she did not like my response she got defensive and defended her position  even more.I just about gave up.Everything is always about her, no matter what.After about an hour of this i just loudly interrupted her and said "MOM..i have cancer". That kind of shut her up for a bit..I described when i was diagnosed and why i kept it from every one for so long and still do not want it "out there" nor to discuss it all the time.She paid attention for about 5 minutes then turned the conversation back to herself and her problems..Seriously, i am done. But i did let her know i wouldn't be doing the holiday family stuff any more and she shouldn't expect me to be in touch with her much anymore, that i was living my own life now.It ended well, and i didn't say anything angrily. So i can only hope she took it to heart.

Well, back to work for another 5 nights tomorrow..gonna watch some movies online then try to sleep. Namaste.