Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I am such a loser

These past few weeks i have been really down and depressed about many many things. Even though some things have gotten better the past few months i realize i have a long , long way to go before i even start to see the light. I have been very sick with some respiratory issue the past few weeks, even whilst on vacation. It's gotten even worse since i've been home. i also realized that i was extremely sick last year at this exact same time for over 3 weeks and am wondering if its the pollens and molds in the air this time of year that contribute to it in addition to the kids going back to school(more germs being passed around).

I have blogged intermittently these past few months about some much needed changes and have made a few..thanks to a 5 night a week usual work schedule i haven't drank as much as i normally was, keeping it to one sometimes two nights a week. i had started down the road of quitting smoking but have failed miserably. Thats been a huge stressor and depressing factor.It's like i KNOW i have no reason to do it, i quit for 9 whole years, and theres nothing good about it at all.I keep re-commiting to quitting and keep getting off track.Today i smoked 9 cigarettes. UGH.i have a freaking vaporizer, why can't i just quit????

Additionally i realize that i haven't gone to the gym hardly at all over the past 3 years, i don't even have a tan anymore, and i still do actually drink too much when i do drink. I feel like i just can't get myself together at all anymore, no matter how much i try..it's always short lived. I just can't stay focused.

When i re- read my blog from past years, i seemed like such a good, humorous, intelligent and together person.It's even more depressing to see how bad i have become. How could i have lost myself this way? and why can't i get her back?Man, even worse..what my children probably think of me at this point.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I keep seeing how many times i have failed in relationships and most of the time lately i feel like i am failing in this one as well.I know what i want, i just never seem to be able to have it. The man i am with does absolutely everything for me..pays the bills, does tremendous amounts of work around the house, never let's me suffer for anything i need. He is faithful and loving, a good man in general, i can hardly fault him. But i get very upset about his lack of being able to be on time for anything, and getting side tracked by a million things he needs to "do" all the time that takes precedence over our time together( even though i know most of the time its being done for our benefit).I also get really depressed because i don't feel like he is all that inspired or impressed by my art at all. I mean, he tells me i am very good at it..but there's other things that i need from him to feel as though he truly supports my endeavors and creativity.He does not seem to understand my "insane" need for him to be around me while i paint and actually pay attention to what i am doing.And, when i hear myself complaining about it, i understand how selfish it sounds.But it is truly a need for me to feel as though someone is really enjoying watching me create, and is inspired by it.In other words, i feel very very lonely when i paint around him..as if there's someone "there" but not there.Difficult to put into words.

I have been mulling over the past 3 years of my life and my choices that have led me down this awful road into a downward spiral. I really do try to see the positives..like charity work, expanding my creative efforts, and helping others. But i guess in the end, it doesn't feel like enough to make up for the bad.I have made terrible choices, even getting further away from God and not attending church at all.I rarely even pray anymore. Yes, I suck.

I wish this was a more positive post. It seemed like things were going to get better a few months ago and i was making progress, but now, it seems like i am just spinning my wheels and every new plan always fails.

Tonight, i am sitting home ,after being off work , on vacation, at my favorite spot in the whole world(Outer Banks)  and am losing another shift of work due to being sick. As if i need this right now. I so need to get my finances back on track, and having basically two weeks of no pay does not help.I had a plan- get a job, quit drinking, smoking, and trade my car in for a 4wd vehicle, then start saving $100 a week so i can rebuild my savings. I am failing.Not completely, but partially.

All i can do is keep trying, keep praying, and keep starting over everyday .God help me.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Dragon

The Dragon has long teeth
The Dragon is merciless
He see the world as his own and
He means to take it that way

When you ride the silent burning embers of the night
You ride with caution
And quietly lay yourself on his back

In this way you see the world sufficiently
You learn not to expect
Your stomach is full of the mind
And your feet cease to exist

Because, or ..is there a "because"
You always question but accept all the answers
And you try to decide
if the ride is worth he price

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Battleground is being Prepared

due to the content of my day, i am writing to get out and release some of my feelings here..this is a simple purge of emotions, no real resolutions.
For some reason today, the deities of deep thought and philosophy/soul searching have laid their hands on my head.This morning a verbal/written battle began.I acted and reacted, prompting some real focus on both the determination of the whys , hows, and whats of recent events(meaning back to several years ago, and up to the current day).
I found several articles and began to peruse them, basically in the first hour seeing them through my own eyes, then seeing them through others eyes and applying them to myself.
I ran across articles on defense mechanisms, DARVO, etc. Denial definitions seemed to hit me the most at the end of it all.
At first , trying to understand the behavior patterns of someone else prompted me to look up said defense mechanisms and place a label on their behavior in an effort to learn how to best deal with them.I found what i was looking for then,in Wikipedia, a definition of defense mechanisms, and i added my thought on what purposes they served on social media.Then i found the actual term for people who use these certain mechanisms in the form of self -serving posts meant to elicit sympathy and validate one positions, there by feeding the ego like the hungry dog it is.
Next , i ran into DARVO…my most exciting discovery yet..i have rread and re read this article at least 10 times tonight..DELIGHTING in the fact that after all this time , i finally have a way to describe to others what i have been through for the past two years.Let me insert a small part of it here:

“DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, (sic), may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of “falsely accused” and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”-Dr. Jennifer Freyd

“It is important to distinguish types of denial, for an innocent person will probably deny a false accusation. Thus denial is not evidence of guilt. However, I propose that a certain kind of indignant self-righteousness, and overly stated denial, may in fact relate to guilt.
I hypothesize that if an accusation is true, and the accused person is abusive, the denial is more indignant, self-righteous and manipulative, as compared with denial in other cases. Similarly, I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior."also Dr. Jennifer Freyd
And here's the link to the entire article if anyones interested
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

It speaks so well to exactly the behavior pattern of some (not just one, but mainly one) of my exes.And i couldn't explain it to other people.It took too long, but now i have the actual term for it- they can look it up.
Next, i went into wikipedia again and looked at defense mechanisms.
Redaing through the list the most interesting thing was the different types of "denial" there are.While initially i didn't understand the depth of it, now i have a better insight. Again , here's a small expert:

Denial of fact[edit]

In this form of denial, someone avoids a fact by utilizing deception. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yessing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies to avoid facts they think may be painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility[edit]

This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by:
  • blaming: a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact
  • minimizing: an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be, or
  • justifying: when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation.
  • regression: when someone acts in a way unbecoming of their age (e.g. whining, temper tantrum, etc.)[6]
Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.
For example:
Troy breaks up with his girlfriend because he is unable to control his anger, and then blames her for everything that ever happened.

Denial of denial[edit]

This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.[8][9

at the end , i did also begin to look at my own defense mechanisms.I realized i had actually LEARNED to apply some  of the above myself as a result of being with someone who used these tactic on me chronically.I actually started to fight back using the same techniques after a prolonged exposure.So now i am in recovery, i need to unlearn bad habits and drop off the baggage before it affects the rest of my life and relationships. I truly hope this other person does also, although i doubt life long habits will go away, where as mine have been only a temporary coping mechanism.
sorry , so long..thanks for reading:)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Emotional Emesis

It's amazing to me how my attitude can change just by getting outside of my own skull. Before i left the house for work tonight, i was all depressed and kind of resentful about a few things that had happened earlier in the day relating to work. As I sat in thought in the breezeway, my mind had a great venting post about how people tell you to do one thing , then later admonish you for it, how i just don't understand what people want from me when all i'm trying to do is do what i'm told/ do the right thing, how people outright lie and/or twist your words,  how peoples perception of things make it a truth for them whether it is true or not ,and how i just can't win.
I still find this to be in the back of my mind. It applies to not just work but pretty much everything- relationships of all kinds,raising children, even going to the doctors.
Sometimes when my mind gets in these modes i really wish i was right at my laptop and had time to express it all in my fury and rage. Seems like i have more spitfire in me at those times to rationalize and justify my feelings. But usually i tell myself i'll do it later and the fire dies down bit. That may be a good thing, but also, I usually lose the good argument points i had(poor memory).

One of things i do remember is that i was also feeling very much like every time i think i'm doing the right thing, being a good(person, employee, daughter, mother, etc) it seems like i get backlash for doing or not doing something. For instance, if i put off a family member to help someone in the community,i'm being a bad family member.If i follow policy at work many times it doesn't add up to being caring and sensitive to the people i take care of.I would go on & on, but i'd dig myself a hole and have to defend it again later.

All i really need to say is that Thank God i came to work, did part of my online training and have had time to cool off and get my mind straight. I know i don't need another round of arguments or bad feelings any time in my near future. I'll just concentrate on trying to get by and please people so they don't come down on me. Perhaps i should begin each conversation by asking what they want to hear first(Sorry, i know thats sarcasm). Anyway, theres the emotional update.Now that i've purged, i can get back to eating at the restaurant of life..yay.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Freedom to Roam without Reprise

The last few day have been interesting and amazing. My life has been peaceful and full of blessings. Financially, i have had several unexpected windfalls.I have started a new blog..(if i can ever get it up and running) and i and very happy with some new developments. I wish I had the freedom, however, in this format to go into detail. But there are several readers I would not feel comfortable with reading those epiphanies.
Let me just say , I have ventured down a new road in my personal life which is unbelievably exhilarating and freeing.I have never known such peace in this way.
Other than that, i am actually coming to closure on some other areas, and focusing on a future that seems promising.
Right now, in this moment, i have nothing but peace:))

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Yin Yang

When i got home this morning i was dead tired, almost wrecking on my way home. I knew i had to get to bed right away as i had a doctor appt at 330, requiring me to rise at 1pm.I slept horribly, waking every hour or so- my nose stuffy or some noise, movement, etc. Finally i got up 3 minutes before my alarm went off.
I groggily made my way to the kitchen, bumbled through making coffee( yeah, even though it was a keurig, i was THAT tired). I get online and see smart comments on a post from someone that were completely unjustified.I felt like crap.

But as i was wallowing in misery, i got a call and found out 6 of the 12 pieces i just hung at a wine gallery saturday had sold! and, even better, to a fairly prominent person in the community who gushed to me on the phone about my work! I was so unprepared i thought i was possibly dreaming.

Anyway, i hd a somewhat negative text conversation with someone , then left to the perils of driving to my doctors on almost no sleep for 24 hrs. I arrived half an hour early.The good thing was that i was able to get in and out before my actual appointment time even started and had no issue getting the script that i needed for insomnia.

I drove in a trance homeward, stopping at the pharmacy who had received the script over an hour prior. I was so close to being able to get home to nap before work. Well, as it turns out it took me longer in the pharmacy than the doctors..i waited 40 minutes for the script..ugh..i almost fell asleep in the chair.
So i get home , it's 5pm…i get into bed and cannot sleep again. I didn't want to take a pill because i only had about 3-4 hrs til i had to get up and wanted to feel refreshed.Not happening. I started coughing and getting a sore throat. i slept less than 40 minutes the entire 4 hrs.

Now i am at work. Driving here was a task in my delirious state. I am stuck wearing a mask so as not to  spread my germs.And find out the parents won't know til friday if they are going camping or not so i don't know if i'm going to be off saturday thru tues.

On the other hand, the baby is sleeping quietly for the 4th night in a row and i am grateful for that.

and this has been the balancing of my life lately..up, down, up, down.

AT least i think its slowly going in my favor:)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Venice Beach

Here's a view from the beach..beautiful, lots of sailboats, clean…not to overcrowded..but very windy.
And the run down of how our time went:
1. Thursday-In spite of all the rushing around at the last minute , we actually made it to the airport for a 1pm departure fight…while we are there and waiting to board, my mom calls to tell me my grandmother has passed.
Our flight was pretty cool..i got to sit at the window from Cinncinati to Los Angeles and viewed the beautiful mountains and deserts below.
When we arrived , a friend picked us up and drove us to our motel..a very nice guy- old Hippy type, and a childhood friend of my boyfriend.We met his wife and 3 year old daughter on the way.
The motel was sadly lacking in a great many amenities including room to move, hot water, air conditioning and a bathtub. We stayed the night and decided to check out in the boring if possible.
The board walk was cool…many varieties of people and art..but lots more homeless people than i expected
2. Friday- we check into a new, much better hotel..Thank GOD!.We spent the day checking out the area, the boardwalk, the eateries, etc.We did a lot of walking. Also got some groceries for our room, and did some misc. shopping.
3. Saturday- The all day Arts & music Festival ensued..a great variety of music and very well put together for all age groups and tastes.Very tired in the evening but attempted to attend an after party..we left when we discovered our host was no longer there.
4. Sunday, spent the day on the beach with the friends…nice day, a bit windy.But enjoyable.
5. Monday-scheduled to leave on a noon flight, missed it due to a taxi/traffic dilemma and had to wait for the Red eye flight 12 hrs later..spent time on the beach again ,but extremely cold and windy this time..then a nice dinner with friends and dropped at the airport at 9m
6. Arrived at BWI at 9am , drove to my grandmothers viewing (arrived about 11am) then home to sleep a few hours before my night shift.
Yup I know this was pretty boring but basically i just wanted to remind myself how things went…Back to work...