Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Irony of Criticism

I really need to write about this before i explode.

In the last few weeks i made the decision to cut someone out of my life who constantly gave me shit about offending them. The irony here is that it was the very same person who was a major contributor to the problem.It's upsetting and confusing. I spent most of our relationship feeling absolutely horrible about myself. It started almost from day one- i was constantly being reminded i wasn't behaving appropriately, my feelings and ways of expressing myself were unacceptable and everything the person initially seemed to like about me and fell in love with me for were no longer allowed and were wrong. From the way i dressed, spoke, acted and thought to things i posted on Facebook,wrote about here in my blog, said to my friends, or ..well you get the picture..i endured this for 3 years as it progressed and magnified and  no matter how many changes i made, there was always, always something more that i was or wasn't doing that displeased him..

Funny thing is, his last complaints about me were that i offended him when i drank..i was critical of him, etc..(mainly just off handed remarks i made were turned into major issues) .So the person who in fact formed me into a defensive and "mean " person because of the persistent humiliations and criticisms is trying to reverse the issue and place that on me.( google D.A.R.V.O.- the personality is real).Not having it...I have at last realized the issue is within the person themselves- its their own problem, not mine, and nothing i change about me will resolve it. It's on them.I could be mother theresa and daughter of Ghandi in all ways and there would still be issues.

Yes, i am a much meaner person when i drink these days, and i know i need to work on that. ..Because i never ever used to be this angry or mean when i drank. In fact i was more lovable and fun because i finally was relaxed.But over the years of unrelenting criticism, and having to be on the defense at all times..Ive gotten much worse, and usually theres a particular "trigger"---gee, is the picture becoming clear?Is there any reason to believe that there isn't a connection to the condition  as well with the escalation in my drinking , such as covering up my deep insecurities stemming from all of this?

Additionally i realized that my own mother was the same way, further creating the monster that i have become. I have fortunately gotten her as well as another" ego feeder" out of my life and i am now working, finally, on healing ME. The criticizer has continued to find ways to demean and under mine me, even finding ways around all of my communication blocks to do it.The last 3 emails i received, though, all nasty and condemning , i refused to feed into and did not engage in the battle as usual . I am finally done with poisoning my soul, and numbing my brain and body to deal with it.

I am on a sabbatical from alcohol for awhile( short goal of 30 days this time)  to focus on lief and clear my head without any unnecessary distractions- i have been adding many other healing things into my life.Meditation, art work and projects, honest discussions with my roommates, my new bed is still awesome, yoga..and oh! NO men!I can't even deal with any of that right now..So basically i am abstaining from sex, relationships and alcohol.

I have to get back to someone i can love inside, and theres a long long road of recovery ahead..Namaste!

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

The Journey

As i have continued to explore my meditation practice i have discovered the possibilities of going as deeply as i've previously read about( years ago and was unable to achieve) and possibly even as deep as some of the stories i have heard from those who take hallucinogens. In the last several weeks i have meditated at least 2-3 times per day with the exceptions of my first night off during the week( i reserve that for enjoyments of a different nature).

During these weeks i have had  3 very deep and fantastic journeys..

 It doesn't happen every time. It takes daily practice..and i never know when the experiences will come....It's extremely random and bizarre, but worth every single minute. I am given so much information, and am coming to so many new truths about life, my life, this world much.

I can only begin to describe these adventures. They are sincerely difficult to put into words..However the first journey i was able to write down immediately afterwards and post on my poetry/writing page on Facebook..i will copy and paste it here ( the 2nd and 3rd i will write about in future posts in a much different format):

Once upon a vibration a creature of the feminine was in repose. The creature had always manifested the feminine- sometimes fierce, sometimes vulnerable. Around her in the dimension she had chosen was the vivid waterfall and forest, the creatures therein, and the rocks. Feelings, as they are often called, of the bubbling liquids, cracks in the stones, translucency of leaves, and treks of tiny beings marching about permeated the air. The elements swirled casually pushing around the essences and acoustic extensions lended their symphonies to the environment.
A voice added to the knowledge plane:
Feelings aren’t a real thing- just a lingering vibration. Entities of nature connect with the vibrations at various times for various reasons…mainly to experience a specific sensation. The why’s are never important, nor are the circumstances. Involvement is the motivation.
The creature was drawn into the voice of wisdom: The rock – which spoke as an authority, being the oldest manifestation. She listened, the conversed, asking questions, receiving answers of great depth. The rock explained that he had birthed her, as well as all life coming after he himself was created. He had began as the foundation for many of the manifestations known to the visual world as trees, water, wind, fire, earth. All of those things were formed in order to nourish and nuture each one of the creatures known commonly as life forms. These are noticed in her current state usually as humans ..but also animals, insects, etc. Most of these forms move to our visible eye without effort, but the original manifestations are also moving at all times, just at such a slow rate it is often undetectable without special aids.When the rock commenced his oration, she then understood the connectedness of all, and how all are actually one.
Transported and transformed -the beginning of her own creation was revealed. A warm glowing and vibrant light eminated from her core. So amazed and awed ,she stayed in that state for moments of linear time…experiencing it.
Suddenly the connection she had heard of began to manifest at her own will, her feet grew into leaves , then branches, ..her arms formed into vines and her core into rock and water. She came to understand the power give to her- the ability for all beings ( all originating from a light form) have the power to manifest into any other form they chose, in order to experience the values of life .She began to ask questions again , can I become a tree? A waterfall? An animal?
Yes, indeed she and all beings can and chose throughout linear time which to become. She could not see herself as a crawling critter of the earth, no matter how she tried..the wisdom answered..”that is because you manifest as a bird, and that is because you are not bound to the solid. Not every creature is bound to one thing or another, yet some are- by choice from their origin”.
So overwhelmed by the knowledge gained, her mind almost heightened to exhaustion she asked to rest from it and immediately the rocks and trees again became solid and from her vantage point of the visual she saw the colors and vibrations of them for the first time. 
Slowly she came back to the vibration she had chosen for this life. Her fears of whether to share the knowledge came to light upon her shoulder, whispering quietly. She decided to give the fears no voice, but to use her own voice to share.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Binaural Puretones

This will officially begin my log of research concerning the most recent amazing discovery in my life.I am talking about the use of an ALL natural, chemical free, money free,guilt free way to achieve pain relief when you need it.

I ran into this method by accident approximately 2 weeks ago while one night after driving to work i was once again in such pain i could barely imagine making it through another shift of mainly sitting, sitting, sitting. Driving for me is even worse and i dread it every night and especially in the morning.

Anyway, i was in such desperation i was willing to try anything ( outside of narcotics-bad experiences)...i i have been using all manner of treatments for years and years with varying degrees of effectiveness - from daily prescriptions of arthritis/anxiety/muscle relaxer meds, to all 4 over the counter pain pills(aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen and naproxen sodium-rotating them throughout the day), heat pads, cold compresses, yoga,meditation, mild to vigorous exercise, many, many relaxation techniques..none of it lasted very long with the exception of yoga & mediation which i stupidly gave up years ago and am now revisiting.

So ,i was in an almost crippled state, including in the equation that the mattress i have been forced to use since july has contributed exponentially to my pain factor. I went online to find a youtube video about SOMETHING....ANYTHING different i could try. i typed in" extreme pain  relief"...the 1st video that came up was something i'd never heard of...binaural tones...i thought.."what the cant hurt".

I was stunned and amazed....within 15 minutes my pain had been cut in stretches, no 1 hr visualization..In fact, no effort at all on my part..just earplug in, listening passively..

so i continued to search through various videos and learned that the most effective were the PURE tones( no music overlays)..and i googled all the textual info i  could as well.I read about the different tones ( delta, theta , beta, alpha, gamma) and their effects, origin of discovery, uses, and physiology.

i used the same initial video 5 nights in a row with increasing effectiveness, then tried a second round in a row - discovering COMPLETE pain relief within 25 brain was reeling with excitement..I have not been pain free for decades, with the exception of my addiction to muscle relaxers over a decade ago and, well- we all know where that leads..Cold turkey was a bitch.

In the next week i discovered monaural tones...also very useful..then discovered isochromic tones..Insane....the more i experimented the more precise the effects. Finding the right ones for "me" was key, and i saved them in my bookmarks.
i have been trying them with and without OTC meds, heat/cold, etc....they were no more or less effective with them, so who needs the chemicals?Hooray!

i did learn also that they absolutely do NOT work with alcohol, caffeine,nerve or anxiety meds, etc.
Reclining is essential for me, closing my eyes is helpful but not necessary. Distractions and interruptions can decrease the effects drastically.

At any rate i continue my search daily..this morning and tonight i tried an SMR pure isochromic tone for anxiety and depression- i believe i will be able to actually replace my use of sleep meds with these pulsing tones.I continue with daily sessions of the extreme pain relief original video with wonderful results.And i am just getting ready to use a 40Hz Gamma pure tone for "the brains operating system". i want to log my own effects without reading any info first or other feedback so it will be purely result oriented and in my own words/experience- then check out what others say.

Additionally this has motivated me to look into other methods of self healing including a return to the newer biofeedback tools, flotation/sensory deprivation tanks, salt rooms/salt lamps, as well as inversion tables and TENS units..oh and a damn new mattress...Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Dating Life

In the past month i decide i would try..yes, i said TRY, to's a little something about my experiences

I tried to date casually by picking some random person on my Facebook page who seemed to be very nice and i had chatted with a  few times...we met at a group event and it was a pretty decent evening. The next date was him coming over to hang out with my roomie and i for the evening and that was ok, altho we were drinking and he spent the night on my sofa..drooling, snoring, and otherwise not being very attractive. The next time he came over to just hang out with me, got too drunk, kept making inappropriate advances until i finally had enough and made him leave. He got DUI on the way home.Lovely.We are still friends online but , no thanks.

Ok , so i go on two dating sites..started getting over 3oo messages a day and mostly form unacceptable persons who did not even bother to read my profile...they had kids at home, and were way over the age limit i i went ack in to change a few things..I got a few nasty comments that i ws demanding( owing to requiring the basics of having ones own car, their own place, a cell phone , and a job) wow....

I did meet  3-4 fairly nice guys and began chatting with them on Facebook..after a few weeks i made a date with one of them and we met at an event. It was pretty cool but he left early and i wound up having an awful evening after that(not his fault).In the next several weeks we dated casually and it was ok, but there were some obstacles and red flags. In the end , he decided he was homesick for his home town and was moving back in a was kind of a relief. I really didn't have much time for him due to our opposite work schedules and my other obligations. We are still friends.

Then i went on a very casual date with someone i dated a few times about 2 summers ago. It was a quick dinner at a local bistro and we had fun catching up, but when he came over for "just a few minutes" afterwards..he started trying to make out with ready for that and not interested in doing that stuff for a while., i am back at square one.. trying to decide if i want to pursue the other 2 guys i met..i am really kind of down about it has such bad work schedule we were never even able to set up a coffee date and usually just chat online at night. the other one lives in maryland and has a busy life as well..even though he seems like a decent choice..the distance and schedule are almost too daunting.

I am still in contact with my ex and we are always up and down in the friends vs. enemies department..and i hope that finally we have at least reached a stalemate or some loving civility.But i never know from day to day..He runs hot and cold.

I am starting to think i am doomed.I really don't want to get back on a dating site( i had disabled those two) and i will not date in my local community /area because of potential conflicts.


Friday, April 21, 2017

Free and Dark?

The weirdest thing is chasing your obscenities, as an have to go into the deepest darkest hole of humanity to get there...then when done... drag , scrape, and screech your way out of it...

how to connect with the darkness of art, yet not become it?

you go to the rabbit hole, ask it to suck you down and sign a contract ..that u will not hold it responsible..then digging upward..u find a way to day light..

from creepy doll music, to pipe organs to serial killer confessions (all on you tube) you descend..

then ...reach, claw and scramble to the surface with circus music and some Lurch music..maybe some steam punk giraffe, or Joe Satriani

you go to bed drunk or already hungover...

Maintain "innocent but obscene"..rearing and lassoing that Halo...

Thursday, April 6, 2017

I am Old but not Invisible

I am old, but not invisible
I am tired , but not invincible

While in the mirror the signs may be seen
At my feet lay the crown of a Queen

My love has travelled thru many a Heart
My body has been cast in many a part

From mother, to wife, to nurse to artist
The best is yet to come, and maybe the hardest

I will yet be a force with which to be reckoned
I will not be commanded , but i will be beckoned

The past, present and future are all team players
My home, my friends , and lovers are surveyors

Not everyone will see, but the best of them will
The courageous, the daring, the ones who thrill

I am old but not invisible
My soul remains true , and is indivisible...

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Rebel for Life

Last week i got kicked out of a bar. Yup, me...age 50. First time ever...The weirdest part was, i had nothing to do with it!.it was both devastating ..and exhilarating.That part came later...Read on.

When it first happened i was in a complete state of shock and confusion. I had attended a charity event nearby earlier in the evening and walked over to may favorite bar for the event after party on a first date with someone. About 200 of my local arts/music friends had gone to both events. I was having a wonderful time. I love this bar. Been going there for years.The bar maid was friendly and knew me by name shouting out "heyyyyy lovie!" when i came in and was  pleasant with me for the first few hours whenever i came  up to order a round. At some point, around 1130pm, i realized my friend had disappeared. I looked all over the bar then went outside to look and call  where i could hear. I came back inside a few times through the back entrance, figuring maybe they had gone home or had run out for something and might be back. I sat with friends for awhile then eventually went back out to call.This time i came back in through the front.It was about 130 am and so i figured i would either order one more beer or close out my tab so this time i went up to the bar.The aforementioned bar maid began screaming at me that i need to close out my tab and get out. What? i asked what i had done, she would not say, she just kept saying"Just get out, you need to leave NOW" was unreal, like i had slipped into an alternate universe. At first i thought i had been ruffied and had blacked out and done something insane.. but everyone i asked said they had seen nothing, that they hadn't seen me behaving badly , just sitting at a back table  as usual, chatting with one could even get a straight answer out of the bar maid or bouncer.So i was a mess...i ubered home alone and broke down crying from humiliation and astonishment.THANK GOD my roommate was there to comfort me.

Over the next day or two i was able, thanks to a few friends who stepped up( privately )to help me, i was able to piece it all together. A friend of mine, who has a reputation for being drunk and aggressive anyway, had copped an attitude with the bar maid at some point ( she had gone outside with me the last time since i didn't want to be standing alone outside a bar at night in the city), who was already completely stressed out with the unexpected volume of people there. So, she snapped, and kicked us  out. Next i found out she did this to a few other people that same night-well known and respectable people in the community. So I was not alone. My roommate messaged her the next day and she stated it was my friend who was rude and that we were both barred for a explanation as to why "i " was taking the brunt of it as well. So there it is.

i have finally gotten over it, and it is now tuesday. It took that long. But heres where a moment of clarity and serendipity occurred. I had spent all of those days wallowing in self pity, blaming others , feeling like a victim, and bemoaning how unfair the whole situation was. Then  2 other things occurred..TODAY

My mother decided to harass my daughter for something concerning me for the umpteenth time, even though i had asked, and out right told her over the past year or two to stop going to her when it concerned me. I realized how much of a drain in so many ways my own mother has been to me all my life, a tremendous negative force which has created a lifelong sense of guilt and low self esteem, not to mention anger and an almost complete inability to have a normal relationship with anyone.

 my recent Ex of 3 years ( yes, you've heard a lot about him on here) dropped off a box with a note in it also reinforcing the years of guilt tripping he had been laying on me over just about everything since we began as a couple..actually blaming me for trying to "steal his soul" .


I blocked my mom, totally cut her off. Refused to respond to my ex anymore and play the blaming/ guilt game. And i put a HUGE psychological barrier between the  friend who got me into all of that at the bar - because i realized she has been doing  horrible stuff like this to me for years  and i was just putting up with it.

In fact, i was putting up with  these 3 for way way too long and all it has done is held me down and made me miserable.. Guess what? i feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted. I feel 15 years younger , and as if i am floating..

Sometimes all you have to do to keep from hanging yourself is let go of the rope...and thats what it means to have more, by having less:)